The only picture I have with Alex is one we took after our first school year together, one I still have with me, even to this day. After passing our first year of school together, we were invited to a party with many of our teachers, colleagues, and other dignitaries who attended as well. We took this picture at that party; sadness is clear on our faces!
"I love him; I love him; I love him. Is it a fault to love this man", I would repeat it every night.
But then unexpected thoughts would come into my mind;
"Your religion, your family…Stop all of what you're thinking of".
Every time I looked into his eyes, I experienced real happiness; the type of happiness I never knew was possible. He is my happiness, and his happiness meant the world to me. Unfortunately, my family couldn't understand this.
I loved him a lot because of that I was afraid I would forget that I am a Muslim girl who shouldn't shake hands, shouldn't think of hugging, kissing or doing anything bigger than that. But I broke a rule that says; I shouldn't gaze into his eyes. My heart was pushing me to do crazy forbidden things…
We were alone after the party; Alex and I. We were sitting together in a garden near a lake; there were many types of trees in this garden including flower bushes and trees. It was a calm night; we were sitting on the green fresh grass; under the full moon and thousand stars that lighted our night; the flowers were dancing a particular rhythm made by the soft blowing of the wind. Both of us were quiet; my big deadly eyes were killing him and his calmness and silence were the things I loved the most about him. I couldn't say anything. I was just staring at the green grass and tall trees; I was trying to forget that I was leaving and going back home the coming day; while, Alex was looking at me deeply without trying to close his eyes.
"Alex! Let's have a walk!"I asked him randomly.
"Yes, sure!" Alex agreed while still staring at me.
It was 1:00a.m; the tree branches were slowly growing; the birds were sleeping; the sky looked like an attractive dark blue carpet which is decorated by hundred stars that appeared closer that night; the moon was bright, sparking, and gleaming. Everything seemed entrancing, peaceful, serene and tranquil. I was looking at his hand's veins silently pumping blood; trying to say a word to break up the silence. We walked for an hour without getting tired, I could feel nothing but something deep down inside of me was getting hurt, being ruined; I may say I was dying every single second. I knew it very well; I felt it deeply; it was obvious that I will never see him again; I knew it! While I was sinking in an unlimited number of thoughts, Alex said quietly;
''You look so beautiful, tonight!"
I looked at him sadly and whispered;
"Thank you!"
After a moment, I said crazily;
"Alex! Let's run!"
What a crazy request I had asked; I didn't think before asking this question. I usually make decisions so quickly; decisions that I regret at last. But, I was living different quarrels inside; my heart was saying something and my rational mind kept of reminding me of who I am because of that I asked to run; hoping that I could forget my hurting thoughts.
Alex was crazier when he accepted to run with me. The real enjoyment like that of romantic series started the moment Alex caught my hand and said bravely;
"I love you, Aisha… I really do!"
His eyes were like a knife that wounded my pure heart and convinced me that I was really in love with him.
"Stop it, Alex!"I replied seriously then turned my back to him.
I was crying inside all the previous hours, but I didn't want to show him that I was dying; I didn't want him to feel my pain, but now I could no longer hide my tears and my soreness;
"Everything I did is Haram! I'm dying slowly!"I said with teary eyes.
"Don't cry. I beg you''; he said gentlemanly.
Alex turned me and rapidly brought me to his warm embrace. Every broken piece in me was sunk into his chest; His muscles had hidden my face and took my tears away. I hoped I could ask him to not let me go; I wanted to put my arms around him, but I couldn’t. His strong arms were so protective when wrapped around my fragile body. It was the first time he pulled me so close to him. I couldn't resist what my heart was saying; I looked at him with twinkling tears falling from my eyes; wishing he could read my every want. All I wanted was for him to never stop hugging me ever. Then he pulled me softly and whispered into my ear;
"I love you!"
I could feel the life in him; the real meaning of being alive. I awkwardly remained silent, knowing that if I spoke he might stop hugging me. I was like a dead body that could not move.
After some minutes he touched my face and pull it up saying;
"I don't want you to cry. I will do anything that makes you happy. I'll always be with you".
I still like a druggie; still within this euphoria of happiness. I cried. Continuously I cried because I knew that I was not doing the right thing…
No-one of us had recognized how this could have happened. It was my first kiss. He took me out of a world where I was a dead queen who needed that kiss to get back alive, and he took me out. My heart was beating right next to his; our breaths were mixed together, his eyes sent billion arrows that shattered every single thought my mind stated, and my eyes were sending different messages sometimes they begged him to stop doing what he was doing, other times they supported him not to stop it ever.
"It's enough, Alex!"I pushed him aside.
I felt several mixed feelings; sinful, happy, regretful, guilty, confused and much more I could not understand. However, Alex looked straight into my eyes as if he wanted to say;