"I want you, girl!''
At that moment; he told me those exact words.
"I'm sorry for everything, Aisha!"
Honestly, I regretted what I had done. With a goodbye, I left him alone and I ran inside the campus building. I ran passed the garden; not looking back, passed the people that were still around, who were looking at me, but I just kept going. I kept running away from him.
I cried whenever I thought of what I had done; I couldn't even pray that night because I was so ashamed of Allah; I shouldn't have done it; till now I blame myself whenever I remember that moment.
"Why is that happening to me", I said regretfully.
I couldn't sleep the whole night; I was thinking of him every single second…
"You are unlike any girl I have ever met", were the words that would continually echoed through my head
I had to stretch my back; breathing heavily, feeling guilty, blaming myself within every pulse, I began crying whenever I thought of my family and of becoming one of those Muslim girls, who changed their personalities drastically all while studying in foreign countries. I didn't know whether the oxygen disappeared or the guilt had taken my breath away; I was thinking of the same man, but sorrowfully; thinking of my faults, of that kiss, his warm hug, and his breaths I swallowed lovingly while I was kissing him. While I hugged the pillow I remained weeping long tears just before someone who kept making repeating taps at my door.
"Who is it?" I said with a calm voice
.
"Open the door, Aisha! It's me, Alex", a lovely voice replied.
I had passed all the red limits following the instructions of my heart, but my mind decided to take action now.
"Alex! I can't…I can't open it up!"I responded to him.
Alex seemed really drunk when he called for my name but his voice remained calm;
"Aisha, Aisha…"
I stood by the door; I couldn't shed a single tear, and whispered;
"I love you, man! I love you…"
I think I felt him sitting down outside my room’s door. I could hear nothing but the sound of his voice calling my name.
After very few minutes, the sounds stopped. He couldn't say my name anymore; maybe he fainted or felt asleep or something bad happened to him. I hurried up to put on my scarf to see what had happened to him. When I opened the door I found nothing; no one was there; the lights were off; it seemed as though all people had disappeared. I forgot that I was on campus and that he couldn’t get in. Everyone inside the building had already gone to sleep. Yet I was going mad. Indeed, I was crazy for thinking of making such sins; forgetting about my religion. May Allah forgive me for what I had done!
I spent the night thinking and weeping furiously; I had never cried this hard before; preparing my luggage for the trip home, with my love made into ashes hoping for it to be taken by the wind, unknowingly that it had permanently stained my soul, my memories of Alex were memories that could not be erased, with his unique hug and sensational kiss, his witty remarks, his contagious laughter, his innocent wide yet striking eyes, his unforgettable fresh masculine perfume, and his breathtaking smile.
"I should tell him goodbye", I said sadly.
It was 6:00am when I took a shower. I wore a dark blue large Hijab and put a red scarf. It was the first time on which I change the colors of my Hijab and scarf after one long year. I wanted to show my family that I lived an exciting and happy year and that I was all right even though I felt the opposite. But the exhaustion marks were clear on my face; puffy eyes with dark grays under them, pale face, and a fragile body. I carried my bag and with a bitter smile I closed my room's door; wishing I could leave every single memory I had with Alex behind.
The first person I saw when I left campus was Alex. I don’t think he slept the whole night, his whole appearance looked exhausted and heartbroken; I never saw him this way and hated doing so. Alex still had the same clothes from the previous night, he was mumbling, not organized as he sat cornered in the party; his tie was not tightened; some of his shirt’s buttons were opened, and I noticed some dust on his trouser. Alex's hair was messy; his eyes' color changed into a red color, his face was obviously pale; he looked as fragile as autumn brown leaves. I wish I had died before I saw him this way. I was standing in front of him; looking at him miserably without saying a word;
"I don't want you to go", he finally spoke.
I couldn't look at his eyes, but now I really wish I had done so, and without gazing at him; I started walking away slowly. Unexpectedly, He held my arms saying;
"I said I don't want you to go!"
With teary eyes, I said heartbrokenly
"Do you think I want to go? Do you think I'm happy going back home? Do you think I'm not dying every single second of my life because of this?"
Then I walked away;
I was taking short steps; I really wanted him to stop me and hug me for the last time. At that particular moment; something had taken my innocence away, burning it deep inside his chest; his heart's beats were pronouncing incomprehensible words, his warm body was holding me back and forth; I could do nothing; at that very moment, I turned to a vegetable that had no will power to move; my mind stopped thinking and giving me any logical advice, we kept hugging for few minutes then I looked at him and desperately said;
"I want to go now!"
I'm sure that they were hurtful words for him, as he lowered his gaze and tried to put his hands around me, but I placed my hand between us, took my bag, and with teary eyes I ran straight inside the taxi to leave this country forever. While doing so, deep down, I wanted to stop and ask him to take me away;
''Kidnap me!"; I wanted to tell him.
Within the deepness of the pain originating inside my heart; I was really tired of all the tears and of the pain that covered every single beautiful piece inside of me…I was wrong to think that he could let me go alone because he had followed me too, so we took the same taxi to the airport.
He was dying slowly, and I was bleeding swiftly. Nothing could be heard but his long sad sighs and me; breathing with difficulty.
"I love you, Aisha!", he repeated kindly.
"Stop loving me, I beg you!'', I replied sorely.
"It's too late to say this… I beg you back to let me love you'', he added with teary eyes.
It was the time for my flight. I swear that I wanted to stay with him, and forget every single person I knew in my life. But I had to think twice; think of my religion, my family, and our reputation. I had to stop taking quick decisions, and be logical again!
"Don't go!" Alex said sorrowfully.
I tried to hold on, so I looked at him deeply for the last time and said;
"I wish you all the best, Alex!"
Alex couldn't say anything; he was gazing at me sadly then said judiciously;
"But we will meet next year, Aisha! ...I will be here waiting for you!''
I couldn’t reply to him; the shadow of sadness was obvious in my eyes, I felt no wisp of relief, I don’t know why felt that I would not see him again even though I had another opportunity to go back to New York; to finish my second year. I told you before that my intuition was always right…I knew that my happiness would be left there and that I won't love any man as I did to Alex. I couldn’t tell my family that I love a Catholic man who is convinced by his religion. I know they won't accept this! They aren’t willing to accept such things…
We talked before about religions; Alex and I, for hours at a time.
"Alex; I can't be your wife if you don't convert to Islam! “I said kindly.
At that time, he told me of his great faith in God but he also said he would think of converting if it was the only way to be together. This meant he might convert to Islam just to be with me and not because he liked being a Muslim or was convinced by Islamic principles. So I refused this; and right from that time I knew that we will never be together. I can't oblige him to convert as he must have deep intention first.
I thought of all the da
ys I spent with Alex. How at first, as classmates we never talked with each other, but how in the end our relationship ended up flourishing like magical beanstalks. I started to silently cry, and then I began to smile, but I kept blaming myself for everything that happened, all the way home I blamed myself… I really need my Allah's mercy and forgiveness.
I will never forget the moment I went back to Algeria, where I met my family already waiting for me at the airport. We took this picture together with big smiles on our faces, but mine was secretly a fake smile. Sarah became fat while getting pregnant; I attended her wedding party then traveled to New York, last year. Ahmed seemed so strict and controlling as usual. Mohammed looked handsome and pretty as always. I love them so much! My angels; daddy still the same tall caring man; hadn’t changed, and my mom looked really slimmer than ever!
I hugged them warmly one by one. They were so happy seeing me again. I thought I could forget Alex when I got to see my family, but I was wrong because the memory of him was more vivid and alive than before.
I told my family about everything I saw and of the wonderful things I experienced, all the different social customs and how people lived there in harmony.
"Do you have friends there!"; my sister, Sarah, asked lovingly.
When I looked at her; a tear trickled down my cheek but I wiped it off, fiercely away; all of my family gazed at me shockingly except for my elder brother, Ahmed, who didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me at all. I knew he was preparing something bug, and I knew it was going to be something bad. No one asked why I was crying, but just stood there in salience, and in that moment I remained silent; thinking, again, of Alex.
By the way, Ahmed didn’t accept the idea of me continuing to study in a foreign country.
"Algeria is full of universities!"; he said seriously
But my father wanted me to get a high degree and to fulfill my dreams, so he supported me with every fiber in his body.
I spent the first-day sleeping because I was so tired; physically and mentally. I was exhausted for everything that had happened in my life. I was tired of blaming myself and for leaving Alex, fatigued for disobeying Allah's rules and for betraying my family. My mom begged me to eat something, but I choose not.
I woke up early, the next day. Washed my face, but I was surprised as I found no one home except my mom who didn’t seem to be fine. I was scared that something bad had happened like if one of my family members had died. I asked her what was going on; she was hesitant at first to tell me anything. And I was frightened for the first time in my life. I was really scared.
"Is everything ok, mama!''I asked this time, with a more serious tone.
"Look; Aisha! Ahmed has asked his friend's; Abdullah, family to visit us today"; she replied sorrowfully.
"Why?'' I asked while warm tears started rolling down my cheeks because I knew the reason behind their coming.
Mum couldn’t say anything; she was looking at me and crying.
"Mama! Tell me, why?"; I shouted out nervously.
After a while, my mom explained to me what was happening. I knew it, I knew that he was planning for something.
"But don't worry, Aisha! Abdullah says that you can continue studying after your wedding!", my mom said tenderly.
"What about Alex; mama!"; I cried out in pain.
My mom was stunned; breathing with difficulty, gazing at me shockingly, and couldn’t say a word.
"I love him; mama! I love, Alex! Tell them this, mama!", I shouted sadly.
My mom didn't even ask me who Alex was because it was obvious his name is a foreigner name. She was sure that I met Alex in New York; it was clear. I laid on the floor weeping tears, screaming out in agony as if I needed this opportunity for so long to cry in my mom's chest. She cried with me, hugged and kissed me constantly. I was depressed; my mom couldn’t hear anything except my sighs that were echoing between my lips; tormenting me. Then I started repeating the same words that mum barely heard;
"I love him, mama!"; I breathed heavily.
My eyes began to flutter closer when I remembered that no one can break a men's decisions in my city concerning serious issues and because of that I obeyed the rules; I remained silent in order not to give people a chance to talk badly about me or my family; for our reputation must not be tarnished.
Abdullah's family visited us to ask for my hand, and like that, I was their daughter in law without my acceptance; I was obliged to not let people talk badly about us at the expense of my happiness…
Girls usually put on makeup and dress well when people come to ask for their hands. But this is what I did, I was sitting in front of my room's window looking at the trees, thinking of Alex and how I could tell him that I was getting married. Suddenly, my mom knocked on the door saying that they want to see me. My hair was pulled up, my face was as yellow as a lemon, my eyes were red and puffy from crying, and my lips were as white as those of someone who sees a ghost in the middle of night. I looked so slim while wearing my black pajamas. I was walking slowly; head down, feeling nothing as I was already a dead person who felt, heard, or said nothing. When I entered the sitting room, I didn’t greet them, just went right through next to the guest's room without making any contact with them. I felt the world crushing down on me; noticing their looks. They were looking at me dreadfully as if they seen a torn pale ugly doll.
Everything was great; he liked me, the groom I mean, and his family as well while my mother was giving them a bunch of excuses for why I looked like that; she was studying, was sick, and couldn’t cope with the new place and so on. They fixed the date for the wedding and it was going to be in three weeks.
I didn’t do anything but stay in my room all day. I didn’t call or message Alex for a long time; almost for two weeks. And then; I did it. I deleted his number and broke my sim card from my phone because I knew there was no hope for us to be together. I miss him a lot but I am now married, so I shouldn’t try to message or contact him ever again. I hate being a cheater or a liar that goes behind someone’s back! I really wish he could find the right girl who deserves to be with him. I want him to be happy and safe.
I spent the previous five years praying for his protection and happiness; I will never stop doing that till my last days. I never cheated on Abdullah and I won't do it now; I don't like to call him my husband; even after five years of marriage. And after being the father to my son.
"Give me one reason to refuse Abdullah!''; Ahmed told me seriously.
I was looking through the window; at the endless blue cloudless sky, the sun was streaming through the leaves of trees; the air was crisp, yet I seemed like a person who was being treated in a sanatorium of lunatics; having no reactions, no feelings, and no thoughts to say. I actually was hearing the birds chirping and scarcely heard his words;
"You will live like a princess; he'll allow you to continue studying abroad. No power on earth can stop this marriage; I told him that you'll be his wife. The discussion is over", he added critically.
I didn’t take his words into consideration because I had already decided to commit suicide; getting married to Abdullah.
My father told my mother that he can do nothing to stop this wedding since Ahmed gave a word to Abdullah that I will be his wife; he couldn’t break his word.
I didn’t want to wear the white dress or put on makeup at all, and I told my mum and Sarah that I don’t want any guests for my wedding;
"I will go to my future home wearing my pajamas; with this pale face!";I told them seriously.
My mom got out of my room without saying a word, but Sarah stayed with me. She told me that they wouldn’t invite anyone for my wedding, but with one condition; if I decline, they would invite hundreds of guests. I was put in front of very harsh choices. After a deep thinking, I found that I have to accept their condition.
Sarah chose me a long off-white dress for my wedding when I accepted her condition which was either I accept wearing the white dress and putting on makeup
, or they would invite as many guests as I can't imagine.
"We'll invite them to laugh… You will be like a clown among them!", Sarah threatened me using her index finger.
I have only one picture of myself as a bride. My wedding dress was traditional, breathtaking, elegant, ultra-feminine, floral beading, the flower on the side; thin white braided V-neck, the back has a low V-backed style, with a short veil. It made me look very bridal, skinny, totally gorgeous, and awesome. I really didn’t want to look pretty, but I was.
I won't talk about my first night with Abdullah because I spent it crying in the bathroom. I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t allow him to take Alex's strong cologne that still embraced me; I didn’t let him place his hands on my arms as Alex did; I didn’t want him to do me anything that Alex did because I was all his, and I will; forever. If not physically, it will be emotionally.
"Aisha, are you okay!"; Abdullah said gentlemanly.
I couldn't reply to him; I was burying my mouth with my hands to muffle out the little noises I kept making; I was dying in great despair. I was in turmoil, knowing, I was about to lose every single wonderful dream I’ve ever had; losing my real self. I can't live without Alex, my goals, and without realizing the things we dreamed of doing together.
"Aisha; I promise that I will give you everything you want. I do love you…I really do!"; Abdullah added kindly.
I didn’t say anything, but kept on crying thinking of my future and of my father's promise he had made to me when I was a child;
"… I promise I will take you wherever you want and allow you to be with anyone you want to be with!"
But this time; I couldn’t stay calm anymore as I broke down entirely and sobbed like a child. I collapsed on the floor; hugging my knees like if I wanted to hide my face from the coming storm. I felt weak, powerless, and devastated. I was screaming out in agony, my eyes bleed with pain; my tears flowed down my face like a river. Fortunately, Abdullah got out because I didn’t hear him saying or trying to do anything to help.
My happiness was buried that day, in New York City, at the airport five years ago. I lost myself, my feelings, my heart, my being, my dreams, my ambitions, and my soul, even when Alex had left me, he had taken everything with him including my smile.