Sometimes we argue over things that don’t even make sense—things so unimportant that they should be left entirely alone. Dave and I used to argue over directions on how to get to a place we were going; he wanted to go one way, and I thought another way was a little bit shorter. It would have been better to take a little longer to get there, if that ended up being the case, rather than argue about it. Most of the time there is more than one right answer, and peace is much more important than having your own way.
The Word says that a servant of the Lord must “have nothing to do with trifling (ill-informed, unedifying, stupid) controversies over ignorant questionings, for you know that they foster strife and breed quarrels” (2 Timothy 2:23). Staying out of strife is not a suggestion; it is a command from the Lord.
We lose our power when we lose our peace. We hinder the flow of our anointing, which is one of the most precious treasures we have, and we also hinder our blessings from flowing in abundance. Remember the example I gave in the beginning of the book about Abraham and Lot? Abraham was so determined to stay out of strife that he allowed Lot to choose the best part of the land for himself, while he (Abraham) took what was left. God blessed Abraham and rewarded him for his right choice by telling him he could have all he could see as he looked north, south, east and west.
We can be prideful or peaceful. Pride says, “I am right” and has no willingness to even consider it might be wrong. Humility says, “I may be wrong, and it is not that important whether I am right or not.”
I believe you can see why humility is the basis for any successful relationship. Even if only one person in the relationship will treat the other with loving humility, the relationship will flourish, because God promises to lift up the one that is humble (see Psalm 147:6). The Word also says that the one “who is of a humble spirit will obtain honor.” In this light, we should never fear the consequences of adapting ourselves to the needs of someone else. In the next chapter, we will look at the rewards of being Peacemakers by remaining flexible and encouraging others.
PEACEKEEPER #16
Adapt Yourself to the Needs of Others
The Word says, “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). First Peter 3:11 makes this very clear: “Let him turn away from wickedness and shun it, and let him do right. Let him search for peace (harmony; undisturbedness from fears, agitating passions, and moral conflicts) and seek it eagerly. [Do not merely desire peaceful relations with God, with your fellowmen, and with yourself, but pursue, go after them!]”
Peaceful relationships seem to be fading away in our society. The divorce rate is still climbing, and the percentage of failed marriages is said to be even higher among Christians than other people in the world. What is wrong? Is it the stressful society in which we live, or is selfishness still on a rampage?
The Word says that in the last days will come “times of great stress and trouble [hard to deal with and hard to bear]. For people will be lovers of self and [utterly] self-centered” (2 Timothy 3:1-2). They will love money, be greedy, hard-hearted, disobedient, immoral, lacking self-control, and they will have no desire to make peace.
We are living in those times. These are days of great moral darkness, and we, as believers in Jesus Christ, must let our light shine out in the darkness. In practicality, that means we must let our behavior emulate that of Jesus and not be sucked into the world and its system. If people treat us badly, we cannot return evil for evil, but rather forgiveness and love so that others will see God’s love in the way we treat people.
Unity among people is pleasant. It releases blessings from God and the anointing power of His presence (see Psalm 133:1-3). Unity, harmony, and peace in relationships won’t just come to us; we must go after them with all of our might. We must not wait for someone else to make the first move; we must be Peacemakers; we must make and maintain peace.
One usually must be spiritually mature before he will choose aggressively to be the peacemaker. Jesus said the Peacemakers will be called “the sons of God” (Matthew 5:9). As I have mentioned before, He said “sons,” not children, indicating maturity. We are called to lay aside childish behavior and make and maintain peace as responsible sons and daughters of God.
Not all people are as easy to get along with as others. It seems we all have some people assigned to us in life who are like sandpaper. They always seem to grate on us and make a habit of being difficult. They are never happy, no matter what we give or do for them. They regularly find fault and rarely, if ever, encourage us in any way. They are takers and not givers.
Then there are the people who have irritating habits. We love them; we may even be married to them, yet they have one or more idiosyncrasies that continue to rub us the wrong way. An example is those who feel they must give their opinion on everything, whether anyone asks for it or not. Then there are the people who dominate all conversations, to whom we rarely, if ever, get to express ourselves. Even when we try, they interrupt us. They may not even realize they are making conversation difficult; they may be doing something as simple as slurping their soup or popping their chewing gum, but the distraction throws off our concentration and frustrates us.
My point is that we all get opportunities to hold our peace and to be Peacemakers. I dare say that every person in this world has some challenging people in his or her life. Of course, we must remember that we are also challenges to others. Someone struggles with us, with our personalities and habits, just as we struggle with others.
ARE YOU REAPING WHAT YOU HAVE SOWN?
We like the law of sowing and reaping if we are reaping good seeds we have sown, but we will also reap from the bad seeds we cast along our paths. I remember a time when I felt Dave was being particularly crude and rough in the way he was speaking to me. I immediately felt offended and began to complain to the Lord. He quickly reminded me that I had talked to Dave the same way for years and was only reaping on seeds I had sown in the past.
Actually Dave rarely talked to me in that brisk way, whereas I had probably spent many years being grumpy with him. I had improved and had forgotten about all the years I had spoken that way to him. We want other people to be patient with our faults, but we are not always willing to give others the same mercy and grace we want to receive.
Facing truth is one of the most beneficial things we ever do in life, but it must be truth about ourselves that we face. Truth sets us free; self-deception keeps us in bondage.
Why is it so painful to see ourselves as we really are? Simply because of pride. When we see ourselves in reality, the way others see us, our pride is hurt and we are embarrassed.
When someone talks unkindly about me, is he sowing seeds to reap unkindness, or am I reaping on what I have sown in the past? When we have an appointment and the other person is late, is he sowing seeds that will cause others to be inconsiderate, or are we perhaps reaping on times when we have been late for other appointments? These are questions we must ask ourselves.
We must be honest with ourselves and not go through life blaming others for everything that goes wrong in our relationships. Pride causes us to be blind to our own faults, but God’s Word encourages us to be careful when we think we stand, lest we fall. In other words, we shouldn’t think more highly of ourselves than we ought to because this type of pride will also cause our own downfall (see Proverbs 16:18).
DON’T FORCE YOUR CONVICTIONS ON OTHER PEOPLE
It is arrogant of us to try to make other people agree with our convictions. For example, I try to eat reasonably healthy meals, and I have studied nutrition and its effects on the body. Consequently, I have strong opinions about how we should take care of ourselves. I do eat sweets, but only small amounts, and I am usually concerned when I see anyone regularly consuming large amounts of sweets and other foods that I know to be unhealthy.
I have tried to tell people that they are eating poorly, and they have not received my advice well, to say the least. I even had one person say, “If we ar
e going to spend time together, I don’t want you telling me what to eat all the time and making me feel guilty when I eat something you don’t approve of.”
The person went on to say, “I know I don’t eat right, but I am just not at the place yet in my life where I am ready to do anything about it. I have lots of things wrong with me that I feel are more urgent than my appetite. So I am concentrating on what I feel God is dealing with me about, and I have no time to pay attention also to what you are dealing with me about.”
The person sounded pretty harsh and actually did not display a good attitude toward me, but I got the point, and I have been less likely ever since to tell anyone how he or she should eat. We all tend to put our convictions on others; we think if they are priorities for us, they must be priorities for everyone.
The fact is that people have a right to make their own choices, even wrong ones. God will actually protect people’s right to go to hell if that is what they choose to do. In other words, even as much as God wants them to spend eternity with Him, He won’t force them, and we cannot force people to do things we want them to do either.
Romans 14 shares examples of how people were in a quandary about whether or not they should eat meat that had been offered to idols. Some thought it would be a sin, and others said the idols were nothing anyway and therefore could not harm the meat. Some could not eat because of their weak faith, and others ate because of their strong faith. Paul told them to let them each be convinced in their own hearts and not try to force their personal convictions on others. God seems to meet each of us where we are at in our faith. He begins with us at that point and helps us grow gradually and continually.
GIVE PEOPLE FREEDOM TO BE THEMSELVES
One of the most devastating things one can do to a relationship is try to make the other be what he or she can never be. We must accept people and not reject them when they don’t change to suit us. We all seem to look at the way we do things as the standard for everyone, which is, of course, another manifestation of pride. Instead, we should see that God created us all differently but equally. We are not alike, and we all have the right to be who we are.
I am not speaking at this point about faults that God will deal with in time; I am speaking of our inherent, God-given traits that vary from person to person.
I talk a lot; Dave is quiet. I make decisions really fast, and he wants to think about things for a while. As I’ve mentioned, Dave loves all kinds of sports, and I don’t really like any of them—at least not enough to put much time into them. Dave wants each item in a room to stand out, and I want everything to blend. I am sure you could tell similar stories about personal differences you have in your relationships with others.
I am a serious person (sometimes too serious), but I know people who seem to be serious about nothing. There are people I can say almost anything to and they are not easily offended, and then I know others who are very sensitive and I have to be more careful around them. I am blunt and straightforward, so sometimes I struggle with those who have tender personalities.
Why does God make us all different and then put us together and tell us to get along? I am convinced that it is in the struggle of life that we grow spiritually. God purposely does not make everything easy for us. He wants us to exercise our “faith muscles” and release the fruit of the Spirit, including love, patience, peace, and self-control.
If everyone pleased us all the time, if our faith was never stretched and our fruit never squeezed, we would not grow spiritually. We would remain the same, which is a frightful thought. There are two kinds of pain in life: the pain of change, and the pain of remaining the way we are. I am more fearful of remaining the same than I am of changing.
Dave and I argued and lacked peace in our relationship until we agreed to accept each other the way God had created us. I cannot say things were perfect after that, but they certainly improved. People cannot change people; only God can. We discovered it would be wiser to accept and enjoy each other while God was making whatever adjustments He wanted to make in His timing.
I learned that all people have God-given variations in their temperaments and therefore realized I was expecting people to be something they couldn’t. I was asking for a response from them that they did not know how to give.
Some people are gifted with thoughtfulness, and others rarely think about doing things for other people. They are willing to do thoughtful acts if someone suggests it, but they don’t take initiative on their own. The person gifted with thoughtfulness might also be impatient, while the person who is not very thoughtful (he will always forget your birthday) is extremely patient in every situation. We all have good qualities, but none of us is gifted in them all.
Accept people where they are, and trust God to change what needs to be changed in His timing, His way. Rejection is one of the greatest emotional pains we endure in life. I don’t want to be the source of that kind of pain in anyone’s life ever again. I finally realized I have more than enough faults of my own; I don’t need to magnify anyone else’s.
Tell people the good qualities you recognize in them; don’t point out what you think they need to improve. Compliment, don’t find fault. Accept, don’t reject. Be positive, not negative. Be encouraging, not discouraging. You and I will never lack for friends if we will practice giving people the freedom to be themselves.
I honestly believe acceptance is something that all people crave. We cannot endure a person who constantly wants to turn us into something we don’t know how to be. To be around such a person for too long is like living in prison.
We can easily fall into the trap of trying to change our children, as well as spouses, friends, and coworkers. We should merely encourage others to become all God has intended them to be. We must not expect to live our unfulfilled dreams through the lives of our family or friends. Everyone has a right to his or her own life.
BE ADAPTABLE
One of the major ways to avoid strife and stay in peace is to be adaptable. We always want others to adapt to us, but they want us to adapt to them. Until someone decides to be adaptable as unto the Lord, strife and contention will rule, or in reality, the devil will rule because he is the one who instigates the turmoil to begin with.
The Word says, “Readily adjust yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble tasks. Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits” (Romans 12:16). This Scripture has been very helpful to me. It is amazing how peace increases when we make the simple act of adapting or adjusting to someone else. This principle was once foreign to me. I wanted everyone else to do the adapting, and it never occurred to me to try adapting to other people’s preferences.
When I tried, my flesh screamed out against it, because we are inherently selfish and our flesh always wants what it wants when it wants it. However, God calls us to follow the leading of the Spirit, not our flesh. The flesh was legally nailed to the cross with Jesus, and we have been resurrected to a brand-new life. We are called upon daily to put off the old man and put on the new man. This literally means to ignore the pleadings of the flesh and follow the Spirit of God.
Paul talked about buffeting his flesh, keeping it under discipline and self-control. This is all part of pursuing peace. For example, Dave and I planned to watch a movie tonight. We agreed to take our showers and prepare for the evening so we could begin the movie. I got ready, and Dave was sitting on the couch, reading a travel brochure about hotels around the world. I kept asking him to get ready because it was getting later and later. He kept saying “Uh-huh, okay” but was not moving. I could feel my flesh getting irritated, so I made a conscious decision to say nothing more and remain in peace no matter what happened.
Once I would have simply followed my feelings, and the entire evening would have been ruined. I would have nagged him until he either got up or got mad. I finally realized, somewhere along the way, that getting my way is highly overrated.
In other words, relieving the pressure the flesh feels when it does
get its own way is not worth the pressure we endure from arguing and losing our peace to get it. When the flesh rules, everyone loses, except Satan.
An adapter is a device used to bring compatibility between two totally different parts. We use electrical outlet adapters when we travel to foreign countries. The outlets in the walls are different from the plugs on our electrical appliances, so we always take our adapters. One side plugs into our appliance and the other into the wall outlet, thus bringing the two into compatibility.
When we enter any type of relationship, we need to become willing to adapt simply because no two are ever exactly the same. Dave and I have recently become friends with a married couple. We like a lot of the same things, and it appears it will be a great relationship; however, we do have differences and will therefore need to adapt to one another. I am also certain from my experience with other relationships that the longer we know one another, the more things we may need to adapt to in each other.
What happens when one person in a relationship is willing to adapt, and it seems the other person never does? This, of course, makes it more challenging, but it has been a great help to me personally to remember that I am responsible to God only for my part, not what the other person does or does not do. We are not liberated to do wrong simply because someone else chooses to do wrong.
BE HAPPY FOR PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE BLESSED
I love to be around people who are really happy for me when I am blessed or have something wonderful happen in my life. Not everyone is like that. We should pay heed to the Scripture that says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (see Romans 12:15).