I received a very special gift a while back, and it was interesting to see how different people responded. Some said, “Joyce, I am so happy for you. It really blesses me to see you blessed.” I knew they were sincere, and it increased my joy. It also made me want to pray that God would do something awesome for them too.
Another friend said, “I wish someone would do something like that for me.” Actually this particular person almost always responds in a similar fashion when I receive nice things. Even when my husband does lovely things for me, the individual will say, “My husband just doesn’t seem to know how to do things like that.” These responses indicate a spirit of jealousy or some deep-seated feeling that she is not getting what she deserves in life.
At one time I was like that: I pretended happiness for people when God blessed them in some special way, but inside I didn’t really feel it. At that time in my life, I compared myself to others and always competed with them because the only way I could feel good about myself was if I was ahead of or at least equal to others in possessions, talents, opportunities, and literally anything else you could think of.
I am grateful that God has worked in my life, and I can be genuinely happy for others when He blesses them. I must be honest, though, and say I still sometimes have a little problem if the blessing comes to someone I might consider an “enemy.” You know the type—someone who has hurt you in some way. I am not responding perfectly yet, but at least I have made progress.
I love the friend I just mentioned, and in many ways she meets my needs. I know this friend loves me and this is just a small character weakness, so I let it go. But I also know it prevents me from wanting to share what God is doing in my life because I know she cannot be truly happy for me. I also believe it prevents her from being blessed. Dave and I both feel strongly that we will not receive blessings until we can be truly happy for the blessings of others.
All of these areas are ways in which we can adapt to the needs of others. When we can adapt ourselves to both their needs and their celebrations, we will enjoy lasting peace with them. If we are struggling in our ability to adapt to the needs of others, we must be careful to avoid foolish, unproductive comments that will quickly tear apart even close relationships. Next, we’ll talk about how idle words can steal our peace.
PEACEKEEPER #17
Beware of Idle Talk
The Bible teaches us to beware of idle talk—vain, useless words that do not minister life to either the speaker or the hearer. Believers are to speak words that are full of God’s truth, that build up and encourage, but idle words cause life to drain out of relationships with one another. The Word says, “He who guards his mouth keeps his life, but he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin” (Proverbs 13:3).
Some people really seem to know the Word of God; they appear to have good relationships with God, yet when we are with them, we sense death instead of life through the words they speak. There is something about them that just doesn’t seem right. Many of these people leak life and have nothing left but death because of their idle talk. They have received life from God, but they drain it away through unguarded, careless comments.
I believe that idle words can affect our health and even the length of our lives, but it is our spiritual lives that are quickly emptied when we indulge in vain, useless, idle talk. Other than obvious sin, idle words cause the most damage to our lives.
The Word says, “But I tell you, on the day of judgment men will have to give account for every idle (inoperative, nonworking) word they speak. For by your words you will be justified and acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned and sentenced” (Matthew 12:36-37). Imagine having God judge every idle word that we speak. This Scripture is not talking about unclean words, evil words, negative words, or even slanderous words. It speaks of ineffective, unnecessary words; idle words are those that have no value and are the faithless things we simply did not need to say.
What does the phrase mean, “They shall give account thereof” (Matthew 12:36 KJV)? I believe it means that we pay for them. They actually bring a curse with them, and in some ways, we endure the effect of it. Idle words steal our lives. The Word says clearly, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]” (Proverbs 18:21).
You have probably heard the phrase, “You will have to eat your words before it’s over,” and this Scripture backs up the statement. We do eat our words! What we say not only ministers life or death to the hearer but also to us who speak them.
We can literally increase our own peace and joy by the things we say or the ones we don’t permit ourselves to say. God’s Word encourages us to think about what words we will use before we speak:
• The mind of the wise instructs his mouth, and adds learning and persuasiveness to his lips. (Proverbs 16:23)
• Be not rash with your mouth, and let not your heart be hasty to utter a word before God. For God is in heaven, and you are on earth; therefore let your words be few. (Ecclesiastes 5:2)
• Let every man be quick to hear [a ready listener], slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry. (James 1:19)
Words are containers for power, positive or negative. Words actually are a tremendous responsibility, and we should be more careful how we use them. Proverbs 6:1-2 says, “If you have given your pledge for a stranger or another, you are snared with the words of your lips, you are caught by the speech of your mouth.”
Many relationships are destroyed because people speak foolish words that they don’t even mean. People blurt out hurtful words that are very damaging. Wrong words cause a lot of problems because they are not easily retracted or erased from our memories.
As individuals, we are often uncomfortable if we are with people and nobody is talking. We seem to feel someone should be saying something all the time. During these times when we simply try to fill up the air space with words, we may speak idle words that cause problems. We can chatter on and on about things that don’t even deserve discussion. Idle people with lots of idle time usually say lots of idle things.
Paul gave instructions about widows whom the church leaders were to support. He said younger widows should not be put on this list because they might become idlers and spend their time talking about things they should not mention. I believe Paul was assuming that younger women would have enough energy to work and be active. If they had nothing to do because the church was supporting them, it would lead to trouble. He wrote:
But refuse [to enroll on this list the] younger widows, for when they become restive and their natural desires grow strong, they withdraw themselves against Christ [and] wish to marry [again]. And so they incur condemnation for having set aside and slighted their previous pledge. Moreover, as they go about from house to house, they learn to be idlers, and not only idlers, but gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not say and talking of things they should not mention. (1 Timothy 5:11-13)
I have been practicing thinking before I speak, and it is amazing to me how many times I realize that what I am about to say simply does not need to be said. It won’t do any good; it does not build up or add to anyone. In many instances, what I was about to say could have been downright harmful, or at least useless. I believe forming this habit is adding peace to my life and the lives of those around me.
Idle words are one of the easiest ways to break unity and sabotage the power of peace. Apologies don’t quickly repair the bad impression that heated, foolish words can leave. We can confess our sins, but how can we ever make amends for idle words spoken against other people? How can we repair someone’s reputation that we have destroyed with foolish accusations? We may go to the person and ask forgiveness, but we cannot take the words back. Their message has already entered people’s ears, and we have no way to eliminate them. You can pay someone back for something you steal, but you cannot repay the damage done by idle, careless words.
People who talk a lot (like me) are more apt to make mist
akes with their mouths than quiet people are. Those of us who talk a lot will need to exercise even more caution than others. With much speaking, the tongue becomes heated, and in being overheated, it loses gentleness. Proverbs 15:4 says, “A gentle tongue [with its healing power] is a tree of life, but willful contrariness in it breaks down the spirit.” We should strive to keep a gentle, wise tongue, for idle words are the opening through which our power for life leaks away.
GUARD YOUR HEART
Out of the heart the mouth speaks. If we permit wrong thoughts to dwell in our hearts, we will ultimately speak them. Whatever is hidden in our hearts, our mouths will sooner or later express openly. Satan may make an evil suggestion to us, he may try to plant a wrong thought; however, we need to be diligent to guard our hearts.
There is too much at stake not to use diligence in keeping our hearts full of God’s truth. Our outer lives are only visible representations of our inner lives. If a tree is rotten, it will bring forth diseased and rotten fruit, and if it is good, it will produce good fruit.
We’ve seen that we must cast down wrong thoughts and bring them into subjection to God’s Word (see 2 Corinthians 10:5). If we are thinking things that are contrary to God’s Word, we must renew our minds with proper thoughts. We should think on good things, excellent, and noble things (see Philippians 4:8).
If the attitudes of our hearts are not in line with the heart of God, neither will the words of our mouths reflect His Word. Although you may sometimes say things in the heat of emotion, don’t excuse yourself by saying that you did not mean what you said. Take responsibility before God, and ask for His grace to change if you are speaking idle words that are not full of faith or edifying to others.
Another example of idle words is those we speak to ourselves that upset us and get us in a bad humor. For example, we may have been dealing with a particular upsetting issue, which we have prayed about and have even cast our care on God. By doing so we have enjoyed peace even though we have an unpleasant situation. But then someone asks us about it, and in talking about it, we give gruesome details and discuss how unfair and painful the entire thing is. Soon we find ourselves upset once again.
We can actually upset ourselves by how we choose to talk about our situations. When we are filled with life, we are filled with peace; when we leak life, we experience a loss of peace.
SAY THINGS THAT EDIFY
Speaking idle words can become a bad habit. Thankfully, we can break bad habits and form good ones. Let us strive to form a habit of speaking words that edify people. Words of edification minister life, not death. Make a commitment to spread good news, and let all bad news stop with you. When someone tells you some kind of an unclean, unkind, or negative story, don’t spread it to anyone else.
If you have an opportunity to stop people before destructive words escape their mouths, do so. To have these leaks in us completely stopped, we must get rid of our curiosity.
Most people are full of curiosity; even Christians are nosey. People tend to enjoy knowing all that is going on in other people’s lives. Being delivered from this morbid curiosity, we will sin less. We will have less opportunity to speak idle words if we know less.
I must admit I have always been a curious person; I’ve said already that once I liked to be “in the know.” But I discovered that I could be very peaceful and thoroughly enjoying my life and then find something out that immediately stole my peace. I then wish I had never asked a question or listened to what I just heard, but it was too late.
I have often paid for my curiosity with a loss of peace. I may have heard a negative or judgmental comment about me or someone else I love, and then suddenly I lost my peace. If only I had not heard it, if only someone had been wise enough not to speak it—but it is too late. The words have done their damage and cannot be retracted. We can help one another stay strong and enjoy the peace of God by not speaking idle words.
Our challenge is to “make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” (Romans 14:19 NIV). The Amplified translation says we are to “eagerly pursue what makes for harmony and for mutual upbuilding (edification and development) of one another.” I have made a point to repeat, throughout this study, that we must pursue peace. It seems that we must pursue all good things. The flesh has a natural negative bent; without restraint it will always go in the wrong direction, just as water will always flow to the lowest point unless a dam is built to prevent it from doing so.
Edifying others not only increases their peace and joy, it also increases our own. We feel better when we are saying kind things, things that minister life. We are to help develop one another, not destroy one another.
There are times when we think good things about other people we are with or know, yet plain laziness prevents us from opening our mouths to say the good things that are in our hearts. Be aggressive in saying good things and passive concerning saying evil things.
I am not naturally an exhorter, but I have developed a habit of looking for good and expressing it. Some people have this gift; they are called to be encouragers. It is, of course, easy and natural for these people to do what God has gifted them to do, just as it is easy for me to teach and preach the gospel.
For a long time, I simply made an excuse for not being exhortative by thinking, I’m just not that way. I just don’t think about it. It even seemed uncomfortable for me to try to do, but God corrected me and told me to start doing it on purpose. There are many things we can choose to do on purpose that will help to increase our peace immensely. Saying good things to people is only one of them.
Establish a boundary in your own heart, and determine that you will not cross the line and speak careless, destructive words to or about others. As you will see in our next chapter, boundaries are important to protect peace in all of our relationships.
PEACEKEEPER #18
Establish Boundaries with People
To enjoy peaceful lives, we should learn how to establish and maintain boundaries. Without boundaries, we have no ownership of our lives. We need to learn that even though people may be good at heart, without boundaries most will go farther than we would like them to, and they may even try to control us. Boundaries protect us.
Having an unlisted telephone number is a boundary. If I didn’t have one, many people would call me all the time, asking me to meet their needs, and my own life would fall apart. We cannot be available to people all the time and enjoy peace in our lives. Saying no when we need to is not wrong or unchristian.
We are not offended to see the boundaries of fences on someone’s property. They communicate “You can come this far, but no farther.” Signs that say “Keep Out” are boundaries telling us “This is private property, and you are not welcome here.” We accept boundaries in other areas of life yet often fail to establish them in our own lives.
Home owners who have boundaries on their properties are usually strict about maintaining them. People who put up fences might become angry with neighbors who violate their boundaries. People don’t want their neighbor’s dogs to do their business in their yards. People usually don’t want the neighborhood children playing in their yards. People don’t want their neighbors’ daily newspapers collecting in front of their houses. When people purchase property, they pay for surveys to make sure their boundary lines are what they think they are, so they get all they are paying for.
We want to know our property boundaries—so why do we care more for a piece of property than we do our own personal lives?
Like many people, I was guilty of not establishing and maintaining boundaries in relationships for many years, but after seeing how this adversely affected my health and peace, I made some drastic changes. People don’t always like boundaries, but we are definitely wise to establish them.
ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES TO PROTECT YOUR PRIVACY
We live very close to all of our children and our eight grandchildren. We wanted to live close because most of us in the family travel, and living near each other a
llows us the opportunity for quick visits. I can go to a son or daughter’s house with my coffee cup in hand and chat for thirty minutes and return home. This helps keep our relationships strong and healthy.
When we first made this decision, I was a bit concerned about how I would handle the grandchildren wanting to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house all the time. This is certainly a normal desire for a grandchild. I knew I would not be happy if they just started showing up whenever they wanted to, so I talked with my children, and we agreed they would not let their children come over without asking or calling first. To some people that might seem strange, but it was vitally necessary for me because of my busy schedule.
Dave and I and our children talked about our boundaries, and as long as everyone respects them, we get along great. It is not wrong to have personal boundaries; it protects the privacy to which we are entitled.
What should you do when people don’t understand the boundary you have set? Most of the time, when this is the case it is simply because it is not a boundary they need in their lives, so they don’t understand why you do. People have different needs because of the differences in their personalities, as well as lifestyles.
We should respect each other’s needs, not judge and criticize them. Some people are just plain selfish, they want to do whatever they want to do, whenever they want to do it, with no regard or consideration for anyone else. This, of course, is a wrong attitude, and being forced to respect other people’s boundaries is actually good for these types of people. Selfish people can certainly steal our peace if we allow them to do so.
As I stated, everyone has different needs and boundaries. This is true even of our four grown children. One of our daughters wants people in the family to call her before stopping by, and the other says, “Come by anytime, the door is always open.” We improve our relationships with others by respecting their boundaries. Respect is vital for good relationships.