I was so unbelievably thankful that neither Erica nor Taylor was on the ferry ride back to the island after school. They were pretty pissed at me and wouldn’t even look at me in the hallways for the rest of the day when I walked past them. It didn’t help that they saw me move over to the popular jock table with Tessa after they abandoned me.
I know I shouldn’t have said what I said to them, but who did they think they were telling me who I could or couldn’t hang out with, whether it was with Tessa or anyone else? Plus, who designated them to be the holders of the moral compass by which everyone else around them was judged? I wasn’t perfect and was sure neither of them was either. Taylor and Erica needed to lay off Tessa, especially if she wasn’t bothering them.
Luckily, no one was sitting near me on the ferry. I wanted to relax and reflect on the day that was almost as crazy as the night at Rocky’s.
Reluctantly I had followed Tessa over to Rocky and his entourage’s exclusive VIP area. I sat there quietly while Tessa chatted it up with everyone. I didn’t feel comfortable being at their table, but was glad that none of the guys were paying any attention to me. There were some senior girls at the other end of the table who seemed annoyed that Tessa and I, two lowly sophomores, were infringing on their territory. They didn’t need to worry. I hadn’t set my sights on any of the muscle heads. I couldn’t speak for Tessa, though.
At one point, Rocky looked over Tessa and me who were in the middle of a conversation.
“Tessa? What up?”
Tessa looked at Rocky and smiled. “Not much, big guy. Rocky, you remember Willow, don’t you?”
Rocky threw his fabulous smile my way and winked. “How could I forget?”
What!! My mouth hung open. I thought he had no recollection of me from the other night. Why else would he have completely ignored me in the hallway when I had seen him earlier that morning? Maybe his memory of my inconvenient vomiting and me came flooding back to him when I sat closer to him during lunch. Either way, I was totally mortified and glad that there was only a minute left in the period.
I didn’t say a word, just gave Rocky my most confused, horrified-looking smile, as if I just caught a whiff of a dozen rotten and decaying, hardboiled eggs.
I could not wait to get out of there and had to stop myself from getting up and running away. Thankfully the bell rang and I didn’t need an excuse anymore. Without saying good-bye to Tessa, I got up and bolted outta there, as fast as could, acting as if the whole lunchroom was on fire.
• • •
As soon as I got home, I went upstairs to sign onto MyWeb to check out the photos Taylor and Erica insisted existed of me at Rocky’s party. I was sure I had looked through all of them, but apparently I hadn’t.
I followed the link, again, through Tessa’s home page. I clicked on the pictures, one at a time, and saw the same ones I had looked at the day before. I kept clicking and realized that there were some new ones I hadn’t seen yet, but none of me.
Just when I thought I was at the end of all the new pictures, one popped up that made me gasp out loud. There I was, whooping it up and partying, right in the middle of the picture, pushing my boobs together, trying to give the illusion of bigger cleavage. The side of Rocky’s face was in the foreground, and to the bottom of the picture. He was sticking his tongue out toward me to make it look like he was licking my left boob! I was mortified, especially because I didn’t remember doing any of it.
I was terrified to click on the next picture, but thankful when I saw it was of Tessa smiling and posing with Josh. The next one made me gasp even louder. I was sitting on a barstool in Rocky’s authentic looking English pub, my head thrown back, laughing hysterically as Rocky did a body shot, licking a dab of salt from between my genuine, adequate cleavage. I almost fell off my bed as I clicked back and forth between the two.
Luckily there were only two incriminating photos, but to me, that meant that there were two too many. No wonder Taylor and Erica insisted that I must have had a great time at Rocky’s. From the pictures, it sure looked like I did. Too bad I couldn’t recall any of it, but the more I thought about it, the more I was actually grateful that I couldn’t.
• • •
The rest of the week passed without much incident. I couldn’t stand drama of any sort, so I chose to keep to myself. I tried my best to steer clear of Tessa, Taylor, Erica and even “The God,” preferring the quiet and calmness that accompanied the life of a hermit, which I had become.
All I did was go to school, go home, eat dinner, do my homework, go to bed and repeat it all the very next day. I wouldn’t answer any texts, from anybody. My life felt similar to when I first moved to Pike’s and had no option but to lead a boring existence. The fact that I now had a choice was empowering, but I wanted to concentrate on my schoolwork and try to reach a decision as to whether or not I was going to meet up with Michael on Saturday.
I was so torn about it. Part of me wanted to see him and spend time with him since I genuinely enjoyed talking to him. All we seemed to do was laugh when we were on the phone together. But the other part of me was scared because of Michael’s elusiveness, of not being able to understand anything about him.
I didn’t want to set myself up, as I had before, by letting my guard down and opening up, only to have him suddenly disappear from my life again. I guess deep down I was scared, not of what I had to gain, but of what I had to lose. I couldn’t bear the thought of loving someone and losing them. I had already done it once in my life and that had been enough. I knew I wouldn’t be able to survive it ever again.
I found myself unusually tired for a Thursday night. My mom and Brian went out for an early dinner right after school because they both needed to attend a meeting at the education department in town.
My mom left money for James and me, so we ordered a pizza. I headed back to my room right after I ate and decided I would try and go to sleep early. With my homework done, I put on my only pair of warm and fuzzy feety pajamas, the pair that made me feel like a little girl again.
I climbed under the pile of covers, turned off the light and got all snug in my bed. I tried to think happy thoughts, not about Michael or our potential rendezvous. I had to forget about him entirely and clear my head so I could get a peaceful night’s sleep.
I must have fallen asleep rather quickly. I remember feeling like I was being lifted off of my bed, while still in a deep sleep, as though someone were carrying me. Slowly I opened my eyes and found myself staring into my father’s adoring face.
I was surprised and looked around us. My father was carrying me up a steep flight of stairs, a set of stairs that seemed to have no ending. There was nothing else around us, except blue skies and white clouds. I looked back lovingly at my father and he spoke to me without words, just thoughts. He told me he loved me and always would, to not be afraid of love and that he was always with me even if I didn’t know it.
I smiled at him and told him I loved him, too. I touched the side of his soft cheek as we as ascended the staircase and used my fingertips to trace the rest of his face so I would never forget it.
He kept smiling at me and his blue eyes twinkled like never before. I smiled back. I didn’t want him to stop carrying me. I wanted to remain in his arms forever.
Finally we reached the top of the stairs and came upon a pure white bed, surrounded with white, fluffy pillows and a soft, white lace blanket.
He bent over to lay me on top of the welcoming bed, but I quickly protested. “No,” I shouted. I wanted to stay with him. He let me know that wasn’t possible, said that we both still had more work to do, his in heaven, and mine on Earth.
He lay me down as gently as he could, while I kicked and screamed and cried. He leaned over and kissed my forehead as I objected and writhed on top of the celestial bed. It was no use. My father turned away and descended the steep stairs and left me all alone as I held out my arms toward him. I continued to cry out to him, to come back, to never leave me again as a torrent of tea
rs streamed down my face.
I suddenly bolted upright, looked around my room and realized that I’d been dreaming. I touched my face and found it wet with tears. It took me a moment to stop crying. I lay back down and tried to make sense of it all. As I relived the dream, I felt that it was both one of the best dreams I had ever had, but also one of the worst. My dear father had come back into my life so unexpectedly and left it, again, just as abruptly.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE