Chapter 10
Visiting Mom and Dad
Today was New Year’s Eve, and having no one to turn to, I wanted to see my parents. As grateful as I was for Sarah’s friendship, I needed to be with family. After leaving the rental agency, I drove all night, eager to be with my parents. If timed perfectly I could be there by New Year’s Day and spend New Year’s with them. That would give me just enough time to get back for school. This would be a great distraction from my sorry life.
Struggling to smile, I tried not to think about the pain that lodged back into my heart. I wondered if Jake was worried about me right now. Would he call soon to reconcile? Or was he so angry he simply stopped caring?
The drive through Arizona was a peaceful one. It was a bit windy at times but the serene setting was much needed and appreciated. To distract myself, I marveled at the beauty and diversity of plant life. One would never find such huge cacti in Southern California, but Arizona was filled with them at every turn. My stomach growled, signaling that it was running on empty—a highly unusual occurrence for me. Jake and Max would have both laughed at this notion.
I forced myself to think about everything but Jake. Unfortunately, when not thinking of Jake, my mind wandered to the confusion I’d caused with Max. What would I tell Max when I turned him down?
Sigh!
Thinking over all the fond memories created during college, there could be no other resolution than to tell Max that I loved him. But, no amorous love existed between us anymore. We loved each other like the five of us, Peter, Charlie, Sarah, Max, and I loved each other—as the best of friends. Max and I would always love each other since we knew no other feeling when it came to one another. A passionate love that bonded a man and a woman to live happily with one another for the rest of their lives, was not a part of us anymore. Ours was the kind of love family members shared. There was no set beginning and no direct course but it would always be there. I would always love Max, but only as a friend.
Hopefully, I could also convey that I had moved on and found a new and deeper love. One that made me feel joyful and content, safe and protected, one that I knew could be there forever. Why couldn’t I have mentioned this to Max in the morning? Just a few hours earlier and I could’ve avoided this chaos. My fiasco with Jake forced me to view life more objectively—finally with clarity.
With Jake, I saw love in the future tense.
With Max, I saw love in the past tense.
I woke up New Year’s Day in a hotel in Texas after a long drive. A pinch of hope mixed with a cup of pessimism, I checked my phone to see if I had any missed calls from Jake. There were none. Too afraid to call, I texted Jake before visiting my parents.
Happy New Year, Jake. I’m alone in Texas right now visiting my parents. My parents would have liked meeting you. You three would’ve gotten along well. I thought this new year would bring us closer together. I guess I botched up my own hope. My new hope is that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I would like to share with you what’s in my heart right now. Please call me.
Soon after I sent the text, my phone rang and I nearly jumped out of bed thinking that Jake was responding.
“Hello?” I answered without checking to see who was calling.
“Hi, Emily,” said a cheerful voice. “It’s me, Jane.”
“Hi, Jane, how are you? Happy New Year.” Though it wasn’t Jake, my heart thrilled at the possibility of Jane calling on Jake’s behalf.
“Happy New Year to you too. Where are you? Aren’t you going to the chief’s tailgate party? Everyone will be asking for you.”
“Um, I’m in Texas right now visiting my parents’ grave. Have you talked to Jake?” Would she shed some light on his feelings toward me? I could only hope.
“Yeah, I talked to him, but he wouldn’t say much. He’s such a grouch and a loner when things don’t go his way. He’s a bit moody. I figured you two must have had a fight. I warned you he’s no fun when he’s mad.” Her words sounded so innocuous. Little did she know she and I would never become sisters.
“Jane, please tell everyone I wish them a happy New Year and have a great time.”
Before visiting my parents, I stopped by the gift shop and purchased a new outfit, as I’d lived in the same clothes for three days. I also picked up a bunch of yellow Gerbera daisies my mom liked. The last time I was here was soon after Max and I broke up. I felt bad only coming to them when I was in need.
With the flowers placed in a vase beside their graves, my fingers quickly cleared away all the dried leaves that had blown onto them. Tears began trickling down my face, and soon I couldn’t stop crying. I told them about my life since Max.
“Momma, Daddy. I’ve missed you! I’m a bit sad right now, and I needed to talk to you, so will you please hear me out for a while? I met a wonderful man two months ago. You both would have loved him. He’s been so kind to me. He took me on an amazing date up to San Francisco. Mom, remember how you used to say that I had a certain look on my face when I coveted something? Well, Jake also figured out this look and gave me what I coveted every time. He told me this look was wistful. I felt so loved by him.
His family is also wonderful. Jake has a younger sister and a younger brother. His mom and dad invited me on their family trip and took me to Hawaii. I learned to scuba dive and got up once on a surfboard. They treated me like a member of their family. I hadn’t felt like I was a part of any family since Dad died. When we got back from Hawaii Jake proposed to me, and stupidly, I turned him down. I didn’t think I was ready.
Yesterday, it all came to a terrible end. You remember Max, don’t you? Well, he also proposed to me, but I didn’t turn him down even though I don’t want to marry him. Jake saw everything that happened with Max, got mad, and left me. Momma, he left me stranded at the Grand Canyon. For eight hours I waited for him. He never came back.
Momma, what do I do when a boy breaks my heart this badly? You never taught me this lesson before you left. Why did you both have to leave me so early? I’m so lonely right now, and there’s no one I can turn to. Maybe I was never meant to keep the love I find. Maybe anyone who’s ever loved me will leave me, just like you both did. I’m sorry to come all the way over here and blame you for my woes, but I’m really mad at both of you. You’re up in heaven happy with one another while I’m down here miserable by myself.”
What was I doing? I snapped myself out of my childish tirade.
“I’m sorry, Mom and Dad. I’ll be OK. I’m sad now but don’t worry about me too much. You know I’m a survivor.”
I cried on them till the sun went down.
Though physically and emotionally exhausted from all the crying, I chose to fly back home tonight. Home provided stability and warmth, and I desperately needed to be back in my own surroundings.
My phone rang many times. No doubt, they were all calls from Sarah.
“Hello?”
“Emily, are you OK? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all yesterday and today. Why aren’t you picking up your calls? I’ve been worried about you.”
“Hi, Sarah. I’m sorry for worrying you. I saw my parents today, and now I’m at the airport.”
“When does your flight land in LA? I’ll come get you.”
“I get in late. I’ll catch a cab home.”
“Emily, who catches a cab in LA? Text me your flight information, and I’ll pick you up.”
“Ok, thanks. I’ll do that. See you soon. Bye.”
I hung up the phone wondering when this sadness might leave me. Perhaps when I got home, Jake and I could resolve our problem and go back to loving each other again. Sadly, I believed our time was done but with forced optimism I texted him even before sending Sarah my flight information.
Hi, Jake. I’m at the airport coming home after visiting my parents. I’d hoped that you might have called by now—but you haven’t. I know I messed up our relationship, but I’d really like to try to work it out with you. Please forgi
ve me. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be right now. Believe me when I tell you I love you. Please call me.
Before I hopped on the plane, I had one last call to make.
“Hi, Max.”
“Em. Where are you? Sarah told me what happened. I’ve been worried sick about you. I’m so sorry I left you back in Arizona. Peter forced me back to LA and I had no idea that you were left stranded. What happened to Jake? How could he just leave you there?” Max’s caring voice turned to anger. “Emily Anne Logan, why didn’t you call me when you needed help?” He got even angrier.
“Max, I’m OK. I’m on my way home right now. I was hoping we could talk sometime soon? You and I need to resolve our issues.”
“Sure. I’d like to meet with you too.”
“As soon as I get back, I’ll call you. Do you have a hectic school schedule this winter?”
“Yeah. School’s going to be hard, but I’ll make time to talk with you. Em?”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, and I’m sorry for taking so long to get my act together.”
“I know, Max. I know you’re sorry.”
“Em?”
“Yes, Max.”
“I love you.”
“I know that too. Bye.”
It felt good to have a conversation without choking up. Letting any emotion overpower common sense would result in disaster for me. From now on, I needed to find strength in myself, and only myself.