Chapter 11
Lost
The flight back was pleasant, and though I was tired, I looked forward to opening up to my best friend. Sarah came over equipped to spend the night and go to work the next morning from my house. Her wrinkled forehead and pronounced frown demonstrated her own heartache and distress for me. Between hearing bits and pieces from Max and Peter it was my turn to fill in the blanks. Whether or not I had the emotional capacity to tell the entire story, Sarah deserved to know the truth.
After a late dinner, Sarah was ready to be my crying shoulder.
“What happened? Start from the beginning when you and Max disappeared Saturday morning.”
The entire story spanned from breakfast to Grand Canyon to the night we spent at the ranch.
“Sarah, did you know that Max was going to propose to me?”
“Yeah, I found out after he broke up with you. I figured it would do you no good to know this information since he was dating Jennifer.”
“Did you also know that he was going to propose again?”
“No. I think Peter was the only one who knew. Peter told me he tried hard to convince him otherwise, but Max wouldn’t listen. Max heard our conversation when we first got to Vegas, and he got nervous when he heard that Jake had proposed.”
“I really messed up, Sarah. I don’t think Jake will ever speak to me again. He was so angry and hurt when he left.”
“Explain to me how he can leave you stranded for eight hours. It doesn’t matter how upset he is, his actions were inexcusable.” Her clipped tone matched her anger.
“I don’t know what happened exactly. I’m sure he wouldn’t have left me if he knew I would be alone…would he?” No, Jake would never do that to me—regardless of the reason. My chest felt the throbbing again.
“So what are you going to do? How do you feel about both men?”
“Max and I don’t have a future together. I’ll meet with him soon and let him know. I love him, but not the same way he loves me.”
“As for Jake, I’ve tried to contact him, but he won’t respond. I don’t know what to do.”
Sarah and I talked deep into the night and by the time I got up; she had left me breakfast and a kind note.
Emily, regardless of what happens, I love you!
Ready to start the new school year, I jumped out of bed and mustered up every ounce of excitement. As a New Year’s resolution, I decided I would not cry anymore and would work toward being a strong person. It was no man’s duty to take care of me. That would be my job alone. I had been on my own before, and it was time to do this again.
I also decided nothing was final with Jake. There was still hope he would come around. He was just taking a bit longer than usual to calm himself down. As soon as my resolution to be a stronger person was set, laughter followed as I texted Jake before leaving for school.
Hi, Jake. School starts for me today. I’m quite relieved to have twenty-four kids clutter my mind from now on. I see that you haven’t found it in your heart to forgive me yet. It makes me sad, but I understand. I still have hope that your love for me will win over your anger toward me. I hope you are doing well. I miss you. I love you.
The first day back to school, it rained, the kids acted like goons and I wondered why I became a teacher. For the first time in a week, I didn’t check my phone twenty times in the morning to see if Jake had texted back, and my mind was preoccupied with everyone else’s problems. My kids at school were the solution to my problems.
Every day I came to school looking forward to new joys, new issues, and a respite from my love life, or a lack thereof. I ignored calls from Jane and Max and concentrated my efforts on my kids. Of course, the call I wouldn’t ignore never came. My day started at 6:30 am and didn’t end till after sundown. Throwing myself into work helped ease the hurt, somewhat. Sarah called daily to check up on me, but every phone call only acknowledged the call that never came. Neither of us spoke his name. Sarah saw through my pretend bravado and tried to come over as often as possible. Since she lived and worked almost an hour away, the only way to discourage her was for me to stay at work even later. My students were the only beneficiaries of my pathetic life.
My texts to Jake continued. I looked at it as a daily page in the diary. More than anything, I missed talking to him and it made me feel a little less lonely texting him—like I was still a part of his life.
Of course the lack of response mocked my lonely heart.
Hi, Jake. How are you doing? I hope you are not working too hard. What a silly thing to say, of course you are working hard. I, too, have been working hard at school. Today was an ugly day, as my student Jimmy got sick and threw up on me. It’s been a while since we last spoke. Wow, you can hold a grudge. I thought you might have responded by now. I know I hurt you and don’t have a right to say this, but I hurt, too, as you don’t respond to any of my messages. Please call.
Today, I got another phone call from Jane. This time I chose not to ignore it. She had been patient enough. I didn’t want to run away from her just like Jake was running away from me.
“Emily! Where have you been?” Jane asked in utter exasperation.
“Jane. I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy with school,” I fibbed. She saw right through me, even though we were on the phone.
“Don’t lie to me. It’s because of Jake, huh? I finally got Jake to give me some answers, and all I could figure out was that you two weren’t seeing each other anymore.”
Heaven came crashing down. Tears automatically poured from my eyes. Jake had told his sister we were no longer together. Why hadn’t it occurred to me that we had broken up? Simple as that—we were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. In my optimistic mind, we were still together, just working out a kink in the relationship. The tears continued in response to this truth—Jake no longer wanted me. That was why there had been no response to my texts. I felt stupid for realizing this so late. I sat quiet for a while.
“Emily, I just e-mailed your plane ticket. You’re coming to see me this holiday weekend.”
“Huh?”
“Remember you promised to come spend the weekend with me? You promised!”
Was it that time already?
“Jane, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Your brother will be there…”
“No, he won’t,” she cut me off. “I know for a fact that he’s working this weekend and I won’t tell him that you’re coming. Will you please come?”
I did want to spend some time with Jane, as she was my last link to Jake. It was wrong of me to do this, but if Jake wouldn’t listen to me, I wanted to at least tell Jane everything that was in my heart.
“Are you still there, Emily?”
“Yeah, I’m here. Jane, I’ll go if you promise not to tell your brother that I’ll be there, not that he’ll care. As soon as I get home, I’ll buy a ticket.”
“Don’t be silly. This is the ticket my dad purchased for you back when you first said you’d visit. It’s yours. Only caveat, it’s a red-eye early Friday morning.”
“All right, I’ll see you in a couple of days. Bye.”
Excited to see Jane and to get some of this grief off my chest, my mind raced throughout the night wondering what to say first. I know I promised to be strong, and I had been. I hadn’t cried…much; nor wallowed in my sorrows…much; nor looked for texts that never came…much. But, I needed to vent. I’d ignored my hurt and frustration too long. Jane would be my shoulder to cry on this weekend and afterward I would start the healing process. If Jake had closed me out of his life, I needed closure as well.
Authoring one last text to Jake, I promised myself not to bother him anymore. Obviously he was either irritated by me, ignoring me, or wasn’t receiving my texts because he changed his number to get away from the stalker who was me. It was probably all of the above.
Hi, Jake. I spoke with Jane a few days ago and she told me you said we were no longer seeing each other. I don’t know why it never occurred to me you didn?
??t want to be with me anymore. I sent all those texts thinking you still cared for me. I understand, and I don’t blame you. I’m sorry I’ve continually bothered you. This will be my final text. I want to say I’m sorry one last time and ask you to forgive me. You have been nothing but kind and loving, and I’ve only returned it with pain and uncertainty. I want you to know you are the only man I love. I wish I had figured this out sooner. Be well.
Pain burned in my chest while writing this last text. I sobbed uncontrollably and went into hysterics. It hurt knowing that Jake could let go of me so quickly. Nervously twirling the eternity band around my finger, reality set in that the ring needed to come off. We would not love each other eternally. I guess I didn’t mean as much to him as I’d believed. We had both hurt each other badly.