Chapter 13
Time to Say Good-bye
The flight back home gave me a chance to calm down and think through the conversation I needed to have with Max. I hoped that I wouldn’t lose him as a friend after our talk. We were past the point of marrying each other, but he would always be part of my intimate circle of friends.
Once home, I took a last look at my cell phone before shutting it off for good. Fifteen missed calls lit up the screen. Even Jake had called, no doubt feeling guilty about leaving me in Arizona. I chose not to listen or read any of them. Where I was going, there would be no need for a cell phone, and dwelling on my life here would do me no good. I texted back a simple message letting Jane know that I was OK.
Just got home. Thanks for being my friend. Enjoy your dinner. Tell Nick I’m sad I missed it.
She immediately texted back.
I need to talk to you. CALL ME!!!
I ignored the last part. Of course, she called right away, but I declined the call.
One unreturned phone call still haunted me.
“Hi, Max. It’s me, Em. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. How are you?”
“I’m busy, but doing well. How are you doing?”
“I’m doing ok, I think.” I hated lying to people, but lying was the easiest way to get out of drawn-out explanations.
“Are you ready to talk, Em? Can I come over?”
“Yeah, I’m home. Come over if you’re not too busy. Or, I can come to you.”
“I’ll come to you. Have you had dinner?”
“No.”
“I’ll bring something over. See you soon. Bye.”
I sensed a change in Max’s tone during this conversation. Peaceful? Yes, he sounded more peaceful talking to me. Perhaps this conversation wasn’t going to be as hard as I expected.
Max came over within the hour and we had dinner. We had gone through almost a pot of coffee before I found the courage to bring up the topic of us. In the meantime, we conversed about his school year and all his classes. He told me that he wanted to be a pediatrician, and wanted to eventually go overseas and help children in impoverished countries. I could see that Max had matured since our college days. He knew what he wanted out of life, and he was willing to give more to life than take from it. He had found his peace.
“Max. I’m happy to hear about your plans. When did you decide all this? And what brought on this change?”
“I did some soul searching after Vegas, and realized that I wanted to make use of being a doctor. So many children don’t have proper medical care. I want to go and help these kids. My mind is finally settled on what I want to do the rest of my life. The question is, will you be there with me?”
“Max. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching as well, and let me share my heart with you. That morning on the Skywalk, a lot happened to me after you proposed. Did you know Jake saw you propose to me?”
Max shook his head no.
“Because I turned down his proposal but not yours, he got upset and left me. We are no longer together.”
Max looked guilty and surprised.
“Since then, I’ve been thinking about us and what you mean to me. You know I still love you.” This brought a smile to Max’s boyish good looks. “I still love you, Max, but not the same way I did back in college. If you think about it, you and I know no other feeling for each other. We saw each other our freshman year, and boom, we were in love. I don’t know what it’s like not to love you. But, sometime even before I met Jake, my love for you changed. There was no more physical love. I just continued to love you like my family or best friend. You have always been like family and one of my very best friends. That’s how I love you and that’s the only way I see us staying.”
Max looked hurt.
“When I think of the past, I reminisce about us and smile. When I think of the future, the only person I see is Jake. I’m sorry, but I have to say no to your proposal. My big regret is that I didn’t tell you this back in Arizona.”
“Em, think about it some more. You and I loved each other deeply for four years. It can’t be over for us. I know I haven’t been fair to you. I understand now what you meant when you told me the other day that you always thought you loved me more than I loved you. I never fully showed you how I felt. I didn’t think I needed to. I just assumed you knew. Truly, my love for you was over and abundant. Let me show you this love, now and for the rest of our lives. Please, reconsider.”
“Max. Not to make you feel any worse, but I wish you had told me and shown me these feelings when we were in college. I would have been a lot less paranoid.” Max gave me a regretful smile. I accepted this as an apology.
“I don’t think you love me anymore either, not in that way. Jake brought out a jealous side of you. I was jealous too when I first saw you with Jennifer. It’s only natural.”
Max tried to argue with me, but I didn’t let him continue.
“I think both of us couldn’t let go of the thought of being in love with each other. And I’m happy I got to share such a special bond with you. I can’t marry you, but I’d still like for us to stay good friends. Would you be OK with that? I really missed you, and I need your friendship more than anything right now.”
I moved over and hugged him.
“I don’t know, Em. You might have moved on, but I’m still where we left off two years ago. I guess your friendship will do for now. It feels weird to finally have this all out in the open.”
“I know, I feel weird too. We finally have closure. We should have done this a long time ago.” I sighed.
“Wait, so tell me about Jake. You two aren’t together anymore? Why did he leave you stranded in Arizona?”
I didn’t really want to relive me and Jake. My head felt battered, and my heart felt bruised.
“I think he got tired of my crazy life. If only I had known sooner he was the only man I loved, I wouldn’t be in such a predicament. Only after he left me did I realize this. As for Arizona, he thought I was with you so he didn’t come back for me.” I didn’t know if I truly believed this explanation, but it was the lesser of the two evils—that he didn’t return because he didn’t care anymore.
“So you haven’t spoken with him at all?”
“Well, I actually ran into him in New York this morning. Jane sent me a ticket to come see her, and I left yesterday planning to stay till Monday, until Jake and Nick surprised Jane and showed up at her apartment. We were all in shock. I left, obviously, but got a chance to end everything with Jake in person. He was in a state of shock when I told him that I had waited all day for him. I think he felt really guilty.”
“Well, what did he say when you explained everything?”
“I don’t know. I got into a cab and left.”
“What did you do that for? Weren’t you curious to know what was going on in Jake’s mind?”
“No, I figured he had moved on with his life. I felt like a stalker with all my texts. A big part of me didn’t want to know what he was thinking. It was better not to get hurt again. I’m so done being hurt by you men,” I said pointing my finger at Max.
“Oh, Em. Why do I keep doing this to you? I guess I owe you another apology. Not only did I break your heart the first time, I broke it again by making Jake go away. I’m sorry.” Max leaned in to hug me, but his hug did little to console me.
“It’s not your fault. I created this mess. One good thing came out of this fiasco. Jake’s absence forced me to look at my feelings objectively. My head is clear, even if my heart is mangled. I’ll be OK.”
“Em. I wish I could make everything better for you.”
“I know. I know you care and want to help.” I forced a smile.
The phone rang, relieving my heart of this awkward conversation. It was Sarah. She sounded ecstatic.
“Emily! You’re home! Can Charlie and I come over?”
“Sure. What’s going on?”
“We have exciting news. See you soon.” She h
ung up immediately.
“What was that all about?”
“Not quite sure. Sarah is excited about who knows what, and she and Charlie are coming over. Maybe they’re finally engaged. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?”
That really would be wonderful. Sarah had been looking forward to this day since high school. I hoped this was true for her. I couldn’t wish marriage on a better person.
It took no more than ten minutes for Sarah and Charlie to knock on my door. She was bouncing up and down, elated about her engagement to Charlie. She showed me her diamond ring and couldn’t wipe the bliss off her face. Her ring reminded me of the engagement ring Jake bought for me in Hawaii. My heart ached, but my faced glowed with joy. My best friend deserved many blessings.
“I’m thrilled for you, Sarah! And Charlie, good job on the ring. How did you keep this from all of us? I surely thought you would need my help pulling off a proposal. So how did you propose?” I asked Charlie.
“Well, we were up in Napa this weekend,” said Charlie.
The word Napa made me wince, as I remembered my time up there with Jake. We had made so many indelible memories during our two months together.
Sarah continued the story. “We got on a hot air balloon. The scenery was breathtaking, though I feared we might fall off and die. I also got a bit airsick. I was about to throw up over the balloon when Charlie got down on one knee and proposed. What timing. My body was practically convulsing trying to keep down the upchuck, and he’s on his knee asking me to spend the rest of my life with him.”
“Oh, Sarah. Ew. It’s romantic and gross at the same time. But I’m happy for you. You deserve it.” I hugged Sarah and Charlie at the same time. My best friend was getting married.
“Of course, I want you to be my maid of honor.”
“I would be honored. So when’s the wedding?”
“Memorial Day weekend…this year.”
“What? That’s four and a half months away. Why so soon?”
“Charlie got a job up north and we’ll be separated as of June. I didn’t want to plan this wedding without him. We’ve booked the wedding and reception already. I just need to find a dress, and the rest is easy.” Sarah beamed with joy. I felt terrible having to rain on her parade.
“I have some bad news, Sarah.” Ugh, what terrible timing. “I’m leaving for Japan in ten days and I don’t come back till mid-June. Of course, I’ll be back for the wedding, but I can’t help you with much of the planning. I’m so sorry. I’d understand if you wanted to ask someone else to take my place in the wedding.”
“Why are you going to Japan, and for five months?”
“I applied for a job teaching English last year, and they called me to tell me that there’s an opening. I’m going to take a leave of absence at my current school and go abroad for a few months.”
“How are you going to be away from all of us for so long? You’ll be so lonely. You hate being alone.”
“I know. I’m really going to miss you all.” I glanced and saw the guilt in Max’s eyes. “This isn’t your fault. I applied for this position awhile ago, and it’s finally happened. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while,” I explained while putting my arms around him.
Without a word, he left the house. Charlie went after him.
“Emily, does Jake know you’re leaving?”
“I just got the call today. You guys are the first to know. I doubt Jake will care that I’m leaving. I don’t think he would cut off all ties with me if he still cared.”
Another apology was in order for the bride to be. “I’m really sorry I can’t be there to help you plan your dream wedding. I feel selfish and guilty for leaving you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’ve been nothing but a dear friend. I’m glad you know what you want. Go and get away for a while. Go clear your head and come back rejuvenated. Jake’s an idiot for treating you this poorly. How he could ask you to marry him, and then disregard you so easily, is beyond me.”
“It hurts to think of it that way, but I don’t blame him. I hurt him badly. I was greedy and wanted both men to love me. That wasn’t acceptable and I agree with him. I deserve it. I never thought he would cut me off so coldly…he promised me that he wouldn’t let me be alone anymore…let’s not talk about this.”
Sarah agreed. We both said at the same time, “Let’s talk wedding.”
We talked endlessly about dresses and themes and flowers. As soon as the sun rose, we were going to hit every bridal shop. Sarah was going to be the most beautiful bride. With only one week to help Sarah create her dream wedding, we were determined to get as much of it done as possible.
My principal graciously gave me the second semester off and there was no issue getting a visa on such short notice. I bought my plane ticket and to my good fortune, a businesswoman from India wanted to rent my house immediately till the end of summer. That took care of my worries about having to pay my mortgage out of my savings account. Everything fell into place for me to leave. I was also glad that I got a chance to go visit my parents before leaving for my extended trip. I hoped they weren’t too sad at how life turned out for me. I would be OK.
Since all of Jane’s messages went unanswered, this was a loose end I needed to tie up before leaving. I knew I was hurting her the same way her brother hurt me, but I couldn’t call her. If I called and she asked me not to leave for Japan, there was a good chance I’d listen to her and stay. She was not only my dear friend, but also my closest link to Jake. But, she was not Jake, and I couldn’t deviate from my plan. More than anything, I needed to get away and heal myself. Peace became a necessity. Japan would be my place of respite.
It made me sad to leave Jane without a proper explanation, but this was for the best. She would be fine with or without me. She might even be better off if I weren’t around. There was no telling what kind of strife I was causing between the siblings. Tomorrow morning, I would tie up the last loose end and leave for my new life.
Unable to get a good night’s rest, I rose before the sun, packed the rest of my clothes, and sat down to write Jake’s letter. Even though he probably didn’t want to hear from me, I wanted to say good-bye.
January 27
Dear Jake,
I’m sorry we had such an abrupt ending in New York, but it makes me happy to know I saw you one last time. You’re probably wondering why I’m writing you a letter all of a sudden. With much hesitation, I thought it’d only be proper to say good-bye. Since you don’t answer any of my calls, I decided to send you a letter instead.
By the time you get this, I’ll be on my way to Japan. I got a wonderful job teaching English in a small village. My principal was kind enough to let me take off the rest of the year.
Please accept my apologies one last time. You were truly the one person who understood me like my mom and dad. I will miss that sense of belonging. Please thank your family for their kindness toward me. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was part of a family. I will miss that as well. I hope you found the eternity band. I’m sorry I threw it at you in New York. I’m also sorry I kept it so long. That ring made me feel like I was still a part of your life. I know now it was inappropriate to think this way. Although the band couldn’t hold true to its name for us, I hope you will find someone who will wear the ring with confidence, knowing that you two can love each other eternally.
Thank you for loving me. You’ve touched my heart deeply. I take many beautiful memories of us to a foreign place. Be well.
Fondly,
Emi
With the letter sealed in an envelope, Sarah drove me to the hospital so I could drop it off before leaving for LAX. On the way, I also called Max to say good-bye, and I told him that I would write.
Chief Reid’s grin greeted me in the foyer of the hospital. “Emily. What a wonderful surprise!” The chief hugged me.
“Hi, Chief. How have you been?” I asked politely.
“I’m great, now that I see you. Where have you b
een hiding yourself? I keep asking Jake about you, but he won’t give me a straight answer.”
“Oh, I’ve been around, here and there, but nowhere in particular. Could I ask you for a favor, Chief?”
“Sure, anything.”
“Could you give this to Jake for me?” I asked handing him the envelope.
“Why don’t you come up to OR and hand it to him yourself? He should be out of surgery soon.”
“I’m actually going out of town and have a plane to catch. If you could give this to him, I’d be grateful.”
“Emily, come on up. Jake has been really upset with me for keeping you two apart, he says. You’d help me get back in favor with him if I brought you up to see him. He will be out any minute now.”
Desired. Craved. Longed.
That’s what I’d felt since breaking up with Jake. I followed Chief Reid up to OR like a helpless sheep looking for her shepherd. My mind yelled at me to get out of the elevator and to head straight for the airport, but my heart hoped for another chance with Jake. We got off the third floor and the chief had me wait with one of the nurses while he went to find Jake.
Nervously, I stood at the station. I didn’t know whether it would be better to see Jake and possibly be rejected again or not to see Jake and never know the answer. From down the hall, I saw him looking at a chart, walking my way. He would reach me in seconds, though he had no idea I was standing there. It took all the strength I had not to throw myself at Jake and beg him to love me again. I thought maybe I could persuade him to reconsider our relationship.
Suddenly, I woke up to the reality of no communication for three weeks and our disastrous meeting in New York. He wouldn’t want to see me, and I didn’t need another heartbreak. I left the letter at the nurse’s desk without any explanation, and ran into an open elevator. As it shut, I caught a glimpse of him looking straight at me and the tears fell without warning. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why had I done this to myself again? Why? Trying to regain composure, I stayed in the lobby briefly before going out to see Sarah.
“Where were you and who was that?” Sarah questioned.
“That was Jake’s uncle. I asked him to give the letter to Jake, but I was stupid enough to follow him to the third floor where Jake would be.”
“Did you see him?” Sarah looked happy for me.
“Yeah…but I left before he could see me.” I wanted to sound casual though I knew I had failed.
“Emily. Do you want to go back and see Jake before you leave? We have some time before your plane takes off.”
Truth be told, I desperately wanted to see Jake one last time. My heart hoped if he saw me, he would welcome me back into his life. Maybe he would even tell me he missed me. I knew I would be crushed when my hope remained only that—a hope.
“No, Sarah. What good will that do? I’d only be hurting myself again. I just wished I knew how much I loved Jake before Max proposed. I didn’t realize losing him would be this hard. Let’s go.”
At the airport, Sarah and I said good-bye and I handed her my contact number.
“This is the phone number to the place where I’m going to stay. I’ll call you often to get updates on the wedding. There will be no cell or e-mail access, and when I write letters to people, I’m not sending a return address. Will you promise me you won’t tell anyone, not even Charlie, that you have my contact info? Please promise me.”
Sarah appeared annoyed with me. “Must you go to this length to forget a man? You’re so ridiculous. I have a good mind to call Jake and chew him out for forcing you into solitude. You’ll be so lonely there by yourself. Don’t do this. You don’t have to go.”
“Sarah, I want to go,” was all I said, walking toward my new life.