Chapter 12
The End
With no one left to text, my cell phone stayed at home and I boarded the plane bound for JFK. Although my seat was more than comfortable, I couldn’t sleep. Part giddy, part scared to see Jane, it was anyone’s guess what Jane’s reaction would be once she found out about the love triangle that should never have been. Our friendship, our promised sisterhood, was all in jeopardy.
I landed in JFK early Friday morning and found myself in familiar territory, as Jane had sent a car to pick me up. Of course, only a Reid would be so considerate and generous. The driver dropped me off at a beautiful old building in Soho. Jane lived in a two-bedroom spacious apartment—spacious by New York standards. As soon as I arrived, Jane took my bags to the guest room, sat on the sofa, and grilled me about past events. Neither my grogginess from the plane ride nor the nausea from lack of food mattered. She needed to hear my story.
“Emily, my mom and I are going bonkers trying to figure out what happened between you and Jake. He’s hardly ever home anymore, and when he is, he will not say a word to Mom. Can you please fill in all the blanks? Please?”
At first I thought it was just curiosity, but I soon realized that Jane and Sandy were desperate to understand Jake. I felt obliged to tell her everything.
“Oh, Jane. Where do I begin?” The well broke immediately. Jane ran over with a box of Kleenex.
I started to babble incoherently. “During my trip to Vegas, my ex-boyfriend, Max, proposed to me. He was my college sweetheart, and I thought that we would get married after graduation. He, too, intended to marry me, but got cold feet on graduation day, and didn’t propose as expected. He broke my heart. I was broken for almost two years till I met your brother. Apparently, Max had this engagement ring since graduation day, and he was tormented about breaking up with me. He decided during our road trip to propose and to try to win me back.”
Jane looked thoroughly confused.
I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down.
“Let me backtrack a little. The morning we came back from Hawaii, before the road trip, your brother proposed to me in his car, on the way home. Did you know this?”
Jane’s mouth dropped, and for the first time, I saw her speechless.
She finally asked, “What did you say to him?”
“At that time, I said, no. I thought it was way too early. We had just started dating, and it scared me that your brother was so sure about his commitment toward me. To be honest, I doubted his love. I was scared he would one day wake up and decide he didn’t love me anymore—just like what happened with Max.”
“Your insecurities again?”
I nodded yes. “Jane, Max pretty much mauled my heart. It was so damaged. I didn’t think that I would ever recover. Knowing this, caution was my guide. Possibly, a too eager of a guide, for Jake’s liking.”
Every time Jake told me he loved me, I was too frugal with my love. Frustration and hurt must have built up inside of him.
“Anyhow, Max and I visited the Grand Canyon, and kind of got stuck there. He used this time to stun me with a proposal and between the confusion of this proposal, and with Jake questioning me about what had just occurred, the answer that should have been no, never came out. I still haven’t answered him.”
Jane looked at me with sympathetic eyes.
“Jake came at that very moment to the Skywalk to witness Max on his knees proposing to me. He first assumed that something improper happened between Max and me the night before, then he was livid when he saw the proposal. But more than livid, he was hurt when I told him I hadn’t given Max an answer yet. Of course, that’s when he went into shutdown mode and stopped talking to me.” The tears came back like a hurricane. “He left me, Jane. He walked away and never came back. I waited for him for ten hours in the middle of the Skywalk thinking he would return for me. I’m such an idiot, huh? Why am I so naïve all the time? After a couple of hours, I should have known it was over.” My face fell into my hands and I cried again for a while. The tears wouldn’t abate. “You want to hear what’s even more idiotic? I’ve been texting him every day hoping, believing, trusting his love for me would prove stronger than his anger toward me. He hasn’t responded…not once.”
Jane looked horrified at my confession. “Even still, I miss him so much, Jane. Why was I so stupid and insecure about us? After all those weeks together, I only got up the courage to confess my love to Jake on Christmas day. He was ecstatic when I told him that I loved him.” My own confession tricked me into an aching smile. The image of Jake staring in adoration and amazement at my profession of love brought a split second of happiness.
“To the wrong guy I gave my heart so freely, and yet to the right one, I was so stingy with my heart. What I’d do to talk to him one more time and tell him how I feel.” My tears went everywhere. I had been holding back this dam for too long. It didn’t take much pressure for it to break. Jane rubbed my back with her hands and tried to console me. It was useless. No one could console me.
Finally, I calmed down enough to answer some of Jane’s questions.
“So why could you answer my brother’s proposal but not Max’s proposal? Do you still love Max and my brother?”
I knew the answer to this but wasn’t comfortable admitting this to even myself. Max had been my true love for so long; I didn’t want to erase his place in my heart.
“No. I don’t love Max anymore. I haven’t loved him in a long time. I realized after Jake left me that the way I loved Max was purely platonic. You know, like the love you feel for your family or best friend. I met Max and fell in love with him soon after my mom died. Not having a family, he became my only family for four years. If Max had proposed, I would’ve said yes and we would be living a happy life right now, I’m sure. But he didn’t, and I let go of the physical love a long time ago. Only, I just couldn’t let go of the bond that existed between us. However, I only love him like family—no more, no less. And I now understand it’s not wrong for me to love him this way. He was my best friend, and in many ways, he still holds a dear place in my heart. That will never change.”
It felt good to say this to someone. The truth finally came out.
“That’s how I feel about you too. I love you like a sister.” Jane hugged me in response to those words.
“Does this make any sense, Jane, or have I gone crazy?”
“I’m still a bit fuzzy on why you couldn’t answer Max right away.”
“In all honesty, there just wasn’t a chance to say no. It all happened so fast. Max proposed; I got angry at him for doing this two years too late; your brother came and pulled me away; we got into an argument; and next thing I knew, I was alone.”
“So, if you got a chance to talk to Jake…” Jane shook her head and stopped her train of thought. “…no, let me put it this way…if Jake asks you to marry him again, what will you do?”
That was an easy answer…now. “When I said no to Jake the first time, I knew it was only a matter of time before I accepted his proposal. I love your brother but I was scared back then. Now, if I got another chance, there’s no way I’d let him go. But, that’s just wishful thinking. When you called me about this weekend, I told myself this was my chance to let out all the pain and start letting go.”
“Emily!” Jane pleaded. “Don’t do this to yourself. We promised to be sisters.” She lightly smiled and wiped away my tears. “Jake can be stubborn, but I know he’s dying inside right now without you. He’ll come around.”
“No. He’s made himself pretty clear. Since he told you we weren’t seeing each other, I don’t know what else to think but that he’s moved on. All this time, I thought that we were still together, just going through a rough patch. I’m such an idiot. It never occurred to me that in his mind, we had broken up. He’s probably so tired of my emotional ups and downs. He probably thinks that I’m a serious nut job.”
We both chuckled.
“Emily, Jake didn’t say in those words that
you guys had broken up. You need to understand something. Jake shuts down completely when he’s upset. It drives my mom batty that he stops talking to her when something sets him off. When we were younger, if he thought that he was wronged somehow, he would march up to his room and not talk to anyone for days. I guess old habits die hard. I thought he might have grown out of this by now.”
“He might have shut down on me initially, but I really think he’s moved on with his life. I’ve been nothing but heartache to him.”
The truth hurt.
“Jane, will you do me a favor?”
“Sure,” she answered gladly.
“Please don’t repeat any of this to Jake or to any member of your family.”
“Why not? Shouldn’t Jake know how you feel?”
“Yeah, he should, but evidently he doesn’t want to know. If he does have a chance to hear it, I’d like for him to hear it from me. Please?” I begged.
“Oh, all right! I’ll keep my mouth shut. By the way, you must be starving. Let’s go get something to eat.”
We filled the rest of the day with food, sightseeing, food, shopping, and more food. We attempted to go see a show, but my lack of sleep snuck up on me in the cab on the way to the show. Jane turned the cab around and headed back to her apartment. Sleep—which had avoided me since Christmas night—became my best friend tonight.
Early the next morning, the phone rang, and Jane yelled so loudly I quickly ran to her room to see what was going on. She began apologizing as I calmed her down.
“That was Nick on the phone. Jake and Nick are in town and they’re on their way here. I’m so sorry, Emily. Please believe me when I say that I didn’t know that they were coming. I checked with my mom, and she told me that Jake was scheduled to work all weekend.”
My knees buckled at the thought of seeing Jake again. I panicked and ran to the guest room and started packing my belongings.
“Emily, I’m so sorry!” Jane began crying.
I comforted her and told her not to worry. Of course I trusted Jane. I knew that she wouldn’t trick me into coming to New York to meet up with her brother.
“Jane, it’s OK. I’ll leave.”
“Emily,” she cried some more. “No. Don’t go. This is your chance to talk to Jake and resolve your problems. You have nowhere else to go. Please stay!”
She could tell by my doubtful expression that her words were not convincing.
“Where will you go? Don’t you want to clear up this misunderstanding?”
“I don’t know where I’ll go. And yes, I’d like to go back to my life before Christmas, but I think what’s between me and Jake is a bit more than a misunderstanding,” I answered as curtly but politely as possible, trying to squelch any emotion, lest I cry again. “I’ll call you when I figure it out.”
I had no idea where I would go. To a hotel? Back home? As much as I wanted to see Jake one more time, I didn’t think my feeble heart could handle it. I thought it best to leave before they arrived.
Ding Dong.
Too late. My heart beat a million times a second. I felt faint and nauseous again. My face turned red from the tears I held back and my body began to shake. The moment I had dreamt of for the last three weeks crept up on me in the last thirty minutes. How was I going to handle seeing Jake without crying? I wanted to be strong but didn’t know how.
“What are you doing here?” Jane yelled after slamming the door.
“What’s gotten into you?” That sounded like Nick fighting back.
“Why didn’t you let me know you were coming?”
“We did. That’s why we called when we landed at JFK. Why are you so angry we’re here? I have some good news. Jake agreed to keep our reservation at Masa so we’re basically here to eat dinner. We’re both leaving first thing tomorrow morning.”
“It might have helped if you had called.” Jane was still angry.
“We left at midnight. That’s three in the morning your time. I didn’t think that you’d appreciate that call. Anyhow, why are you really angry? Are you hiding a boy in the other room? Is that why you’re so upset? It’s all right. I won’t tell Mom.”
Nick continued to speak and I didn’t hear Jake outside so I thought maybe he hadn’t arrived yet. Thinking the coast was clear I got my suitcase and came out of the guest room. Everyone—Jane, Nick, and Jake—stopped talking and stared at me. Though I saw Jake, I didn’t look at him. My eyes stayed on the ground until Nick came to give me a hug.
“Emily, when did you get here? It’s so great to see you!” His bear hug reminded me of my first encounter with the Reid family. It was so warm and loving.
“Um, I um got here yesterday,” I stammered.
“Why do you have your suitcase in your hand? Are you going somewhere?”
“Yeah, I was just leaving. It was nice seeing all of you.”
I gave Jane a quick hug and darted for the door. As I opened the door, I could hear Nick calling me back saying, “Emily, don’t go. We’re going to Masa for dinner. You have to join us.”
Jane simultaneously yelled at Jake. “Jake, you’re such a jerk! How could you leave Emily stranded in Arizona? Why are you ignoring her when she’s been trying to get a hold of you for weeks? How can you be so cold? How do you propose to Emily and then completely disregard her? That’s not love.”
Not able to endure any more, I shut the door and ran down the hallway, half hoping Jake would follow me, and half scared he wouldn’t. I got in the elevator and ran out the front door, walking as fast as I could to the biggest intersection to catch a cab. Nearing the end of the block, I heard the voice that stopped my heart.
“Emily!” Jake yelled out at me.
I stopped in my tracks. His one word paralyzed me. I have to be strong and not let him break my heart again. My legs wanted to buckle under and collapse to the ground. I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to cry. This was all I could promise while he ran over to me. I flailed my arms, caught a cab, and started putting my suitcase in when Jake caught up with me. He started our conversation with much tenderness in his eyes and love in his voice. I wanted to fall into his arms and tell him how much I loved him…just how terribly I missed him.
“Emily. Please, don’t go.” He grabbed my hand and tried to get me to take my suitcase out of the taxi.
“I should leave. You three have a great time.”
“I feel terrible interrupting you and Jane, but I’m glad you’re here. You didn’t mention you were coming to see my sister… Regardless, we need to talk.” So I guess he did read my texts. He just didn’t feel the need to respond. Why would he? Why should he?
“Emily, what was Jane talking about me leaving you in Arizona?”
I didn’t answer him because I felt foolish waiting for a man who never returned for me.
“Answer me! What was she talking about?” He soon did an about-face once Arizona became a part of the conversation. He remembered our abrupt ending.
“What do you care?” I answered shutting the trunk.
“Tell me!” he demanded, but quickly softened. “Please?”
“I waited for you to return,” was all I wanted to say, hoping he would let me go without asking any more questions.
“What do you mean you waited for me to return? For how long?”
I stayed silent.
“Damn it, Emily, how long did you wait for me?” His icy demeanor melted as soon as he saw tears well up in my eyes. Though he demanded, he knew he didn’t want to know my answer.
“…till it closed,” I answered quietly, hoping he wouldn’t hear.
“What?” Terror struck him. He understood what he had done. “How could you have waited for me till closing time? Didn’t you realize after a while I wasn’t coming back? It was freezing that day. You didn’t even have a jacket on.” His voice began with regret, only to hurt me with his next question. “How stupid can you be?”
How can you be observant enough to notice I didn’t have on a jacket that day but not obse
rvant enough to know I would be waiting for you? Tears kept surging but I forced them back just long enough.
“Yeah, I was stupid all right.” I was angry right back at him.
“Stupid enough to believe you when you said you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. Stupid enough to trust your words when you told me you would never let me be alone again. Stupid enough to think that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with wouldn’t abandon me—that after he calmed down—would come back for me. That’s how stupid I was.”
He groaned my name in anguish. “I left you by yourself at the Skywalk? You mean you didn’t go home with Max?” He really sounded tormented at this point. “I’m sorry, Emily. I didn’t mean to leave you there. You know I would never abandon you. I really thought you were with your friends. I can’t believe I did that to you. How did you get home? Oh, Emi.” He moved closer to embrace me but I pushed him away.
“I don’t want your sorry or your pity. My breakup with Max was a walk in the park compared to what you put me through. You made yourself clear by not returning for me, and by not returning any of my messages. I was right to doubt your love. There was no way you could have loved me as much as you said you did!” Tears went everywhere as I fumbled to take off the ring I didn’t want to let go. “Here! I don’t think this belongs to me anymore.” I handed him the ring not so gently as I heard it clang onto the cement and roll down the sidewalk.
I saw a torn look on Jake’s face trying to decide whether to chase after the ring or keep an eye on me who was halfway in the cab. He chose the ring.
“JFK” was all I could say to the cab driver before I began hyperventilating.