Chapter 3
Closure
“Let’s continue this party. We can’t separate just because the ball is over,” Peter announced.
Everyone loved the idea since many of us hadn’t seen each other in years. I tried to bow out with the excuse that I had a 7:00 a.m. date, but my friends wouldn’t have it. I hesitantly agreed to meet them at a bar. Searching, Peter’s absence was beyond noticeable. In fact, everyone had left except for Max, even Jennifer.
Peter had purposely left me alone with Max so we would ride together to the bar. Jake was wrong to trust him with my well-being. Against all odds—a current girlfriend, an eighteen-month absence, and me dating Jake—Peter seemed to believe that we could still get back together. My head shook thinking about this ridiculous idea.
“Get in,” Max told me as the valet brought the car around.
“Where’s Jennifer?”
“She left a little while ago. She’s working a night shift at the hospital tonight.”
“Oh, that’s right. She’s a nurse. You seem to like girls with homey professions.” We both chuckled as I finished this thought.
I led Max toward my house, which was a few miles away from the hotel.
“Can we stop by my house so I can change? I don’t want to be in this dress the whole night. Also it’s a bit cold.”
“Sure,” he answered, taking off his jacket. “Here, take this for now.”
It felt good to be in his jacket, but the warmth of his scent evoked memories I wasn’t ready to face. We got to my house within minutes, and I could tell by Max’s face, he wondered where we were.
“Do you live here, Em?” He studied the living room while following me toward the bedroom.
“Uh-huh. This is my house.”
Max spun his head around and looked shocked.
“When did this happen? You’re not living with Sarah anymore?”
“Has Charlie not told you anything about me the last year and a half? I bought this house in June. I finally left Sarah’s lair.”
I gave Max a change of clothes and showed him the guest bathroom while I went into my room to change into a pair of jeans and a comfy sweater. Max had another bewildered look, as he had just changed into a tailor-made outfit. It looked nice on him.
“Are these Jake’s clothes?” He had a hard time spitting out those four words. I saw what Max was envisioning. Finding this situation highly humorous, I contemplated letting his imagination aggravate him but thought it would be better to clear the air.
“I bought these to give to you before we broke up. I didn’t have the receipt to return them and felt silly about giving them to someone else, so they’ve been sitting in my closet for a while,” I confessed.
“Oh…” He sounded relieved as he thanked me for the clothes. “Can you give me a hanger for my tux?”
I reached into my closet for a hanger but noticed something had fallen out of Max’s pocket and onto the floor. A small blue felt pouch—something that looked like it belonged in a Tiffany’s box with a ring or some small jewelry in it—screamed for me to pick it up. Before my hand got anywhere near the mysterious item, Max swooped in and shoved it back into his pocket. His abruptness startled both of us. What was in this pouch that had made him so jumpy?
Pain and guilt riddled his face, though I couldn’t understand why. Before I broached the subject, he interrupted my thought. “Hey, Em? You want to go get something to eat instead of going out for drinks? You didn’t eat much tonight.”
The growl in my stomach gave me away. “I am hungry. Where shall we go?”
“How about a bowl of noodles? You’ve always had a weakness for something soupy at a late hour. What time is it? Is the ramen house still open?” he asked.
“I think it’s about 11:00p.m., they should still be open.” A bowl of noodles sounded delicious right now, especially on an empty stomach. “Great idea. You mind driving? I’m a bit tired.”
Before we got into Max’s car, he texted Peter our situation, my number, and my home address. He told him if we didn’t make it to the bar, they’d meet back at my place and go home together. In the twenty-minute car ride, neither of us uttered a sound. Instead, I looked out the window, wondering what we would talk about during our meal if we couldn’t stand a twenty-minute ride together. Max looked over at me, stared briefly and sighed quietly. He was probably regretting the predicament we found ourselves in.
Luckily there was a parking spot right in front of the restaurant, and we sat down immediately at the noodle bar. The server came and welcomed us. “Hey, long time no see! You two haven’t been here in a while.”
“Great…,”I thought. If this weren’t awkward enough, the server recognized that this used to be our late-night food joint back in college. This night wasn’t getting any easier. She didn’t need to ask us what we wanted. She automatically put in an order for two bowls of ramen and an order of gyoza, along with iced green tea and Sapporo on tap. We both started to laugh, realizing we were so predictable. The server helped lighten the mood and we started feeling comfortable with one another again.
“So, what have you been doing the last year and a half?” Max asked with genuine curiosity.
“Well, let’s see. After we separated in June, Sarah and I went to Europe for about a month.” I quickly wiped away a tear that trickled down my cheek as I talked about last June. Max seemed oblivious to my pain, but my flushed cheeks signaled my weakness. Regardless, I continued my story. “We started in New York for a few days, then went to Rome, Florence, and Paris. After Paris, we biked through the South of France, and then we sailed to Greece. Sarah and I fell in love with the oceans of Greece, so we stayed there the last week of our trip. Charlie actually met us in Greece. We all had a blast together for a few days, and then I separated from them.”
“What did you do when Charlie came? You must have been lonely.” His face turned somber. I briefly imagined how fantastic it would have been if Charlie and Max had met us in Greece. The four of us—like it used to be.
“I actually did a lot of sightseeing by myself and gallivanted from island to island. It wasn’t too bad. Sarah really needed Charlie there. They’d never been apart for that long. After summer, I returned to school and got to teach fourth grade instead of first, as originally planned. It was challenging coming up with new curriculum at the last minute, but it was a fantastic year. I didn’t realize I would enjoy fourth graders so much. They start developing a personality and a sense of humor at that age. But at the same time, they’re still innocent and sweet. Life hasn’t jaded them yet.”
“How did the house happen?” Max sounded impressed that I was on my own and doing so well.
“I randomly found my house while driving around the neighborhood. Between my earnings in college, my pitiful salary, and selling my grandparents’ condo, I scrounged up enough money to put in an offer. Luckily, the sellers accepted, and I moved in all summer. It took a little while getting used to living alone, but I have to say I’m enjoying it now.”
“It’s a great house. I’m really happy for you.” Max sweetly smiled. I felt my heart melt, as it always did when he smiled.
Max reproachfully asked about Jake. This shouldn’t have been a surprise—but it was still disconcerting to hear Jake’s name coming from Max’s lips.
“How long have you and Jake been together? I didn’t realize you were seeing someone.”
“Did you never ask Charlie or Sarah anything about me since our breakup? I can’t believe how indifferent you were to my well-being. I kept tabs on you from time to time.” My lips surprisingly formed a slight pout. With a new girlfriend, there really was no need to ask about the old one.
“We just started dating a couple of months ago. I met him at the grocery store and we’ve been seeing each other ever since. He’s so busy at the hospital that we only see each other maybe once a week. We try to talk on the phone and text, but for the most part, I barely see him. It will be a real treat to have him all to myself tomorr
ow.” This last statement produced a big smile on my face. Tomorrow would hopefully deepen our relationship and give us more stability. We had had too many misunderstandings on where we stood as a couple, assuming we were a couple. This trip would answer all the questions hovering over us.
Max continued with his twenty questions.
“You seem happy with Jake. What about him do you like?” I never liked this pensive look that registered on Max’s face. This look always meant that there was more on his mind than he was willing to share.
His question took me by surprise. I never thought about why I liked Jake. Even if I had thought about it, never did I imagine having to explain it to my ex-boyfriend. While pondering my answer, Max conjured up his own crazy ideas.
“It couldn’t just be his good looks or the fact that he’s an established doctor. That’s not why you’re attracted to him, is it? How old is he anyway?”
“Max. You can be so silly at times. He’s thirty and you know, you’re pretty high up the totem pole in the looks category, yourself.”
That brought back his good-looking smile.
“I guess if I had to answer your question, I like the fact that I don’t feel the need to take care of him or please him all the time. I feel secure with him. He takes care of me.”
“Are you trying to say that I never took care of you? You never felt secure with me?” His defensive and angry tone startled me.
“That’s not what I’m saying,” I stammered. “When we were dating, I was crazy in love with you.”
“And I loved you too,” he shouted back.
“I know you did, but I always felt like I loved you more, a lot more. Many times, I thought that my love for you bordered on obsession. My main concern was to make you happy. I wanted always to please you. My world revolved around you and your needs, and I probably choked you by being so needy.” Suddenly, I sat back in my stool and stopped my defense. “Wow, I think I just had an epiphany. I see now why you said you needed your freedom on graduation night. I suffocated you.” Relieved to finally understand our separation, but aching like I did on our broken night, I quickly changed the subject so I wouldn’t hurt so much again.
“So, tell me about Jennifer. She seems like a really nice person. I got to talk to her a bit during dinner.”
Max didn’t confirm or deny anything I said. He looked visibly upset, but answered my questions.
“After we broke up, I actually ended up in the hospital.”
“What! What happened? Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” he answered reluctantly. “I got into a car accident and Jen works in orthopedic rehab, and that’s where we met. She really helped me through a tough time. I thought I wouldn’t be able to use my legs again.”
“How did this happen? How did you get so hurt?” Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I hurt knowing that Max hurt. No matter what our relationship, I still saw Max as an extension of myself—even with Jake in my life.
Silently, I chided myself.
Emily, why can’t you get a hold of yourself? Why do you have to wear your emotion on your sleeve?
Vulnerable. Transparent. Weak.
That was me in a nutshell.
With a comforting smile, Max placed both hands on my cheeks and wiped away my tears with his thumbs. He then pulled me toward him and held me.
He whispered, “It’s OK. I’m fine now. It was a freak accident, and I’m completely rehabilitated.” He slowly added, “It feels nice to hold you again, Em” and didn’t let go of me.
His words created an unwanted spasm in my heart, making me pull away from him. My eyes were down, embarrassed I was crying.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to get so emotional. I think two glasses of wine and no food are getting to me. I’m glad you’re OK. Go on.”
“Jen helped me rehab daily and her kindness won me over. I guess you are right. I do like being taken care of by women.” He chuckled lightly.
“Max, everybody likes to be taken care of, it’s not just you.” In my heart I wondered why Max couldn’t have taken care of me just a little bit more…
With a look of regret he continued his story. “After the car accident, I finally decided I wanted to go to medical school, and I studied hard for the MCATs, then applied everywhere. Once med school started, I realized this was where I should have been all along. It’s been a long time coming for me. My big regret is that I didn’t get my act together back in undergrad, but I suppose it’s better late than never.”
“I’m very happy for you. You finally found what you want to do with your life. I’m sure you will do well in school, since you are the brightest person I know.” I was truly thrilled for Max. It made me happy to know he had found a career path and would make something of himself. I always knew he would.
After our meal, we walked a little and continued our conversation. I could tell by his pensive look that he had something else on his mind but was afraid to tell me.
“Em?”
“Yes?” I replied, my eyes staring into his soft brown eyes.
He stopped walking and held both my hands. In all ways, I feared what would come out of Max’s mouth, but I also hoped that perhaps I could find closure. I wanted to start again without baggage. My feelings for Jake blossomed with each date, but I couldn’t comprehend this last hold Max had on me.
“I know I really hurt you on graduation night. I want to say I’m sorry for messing things up so badly. You believe I loved you with all my heart, don’t you?”
Max could be so tenderhearted when he wanted to be. He put both his arms around me and held me against his body. My arms went limp—a dead weight hanging by my side. I bit down on my lips to stop from crying. With resolve, I vowed to end all emotional ties with this man whose chest heaved a large sigh against my heart. There would be no more tears, no more hurt.
“Em, I’m so sorry for hurting you. That was truly not my intention graduation night. Please don’t believe that I didn’t love you as much as you loved me. I was just too stupid and immature to know what I had. You were my world.” His broken face broke my heart.
I stopped him from saying any more.
“Max. Thank you, but your apology is unnecessary. You didn’t feel as deeply about me as I’d hoped. That’s not a crime. I don’t blame you for my pain. It took awhile but I’m OK now. I hope one day we can be friends again. Let’s go home. It’s late.”
The car ride back was a quiet one, though Max looked like he still needed to talk. I thought through what Max finally admitted and how I handled the situation. Was this the closure I needed?
Max apologized, I accepted, end of our story? I was going to accept tonight as closure and move on with life.
Luckily, when we got back to the house, we found a distraction in Peter and James who had passed out at my front door.
“Pete, James, are you guys OK?” Max asked.
“I need to sleep,” Peter slurred. “We both drank too much, so Will dropped us off here. Emily, can we spend the night at your house? I’m so tired I don’t think we can make it home.”
“Um, I suppose you guys can spend the night. You know that I’m leaving early in the morning?”
“Yeah. Can you open the door? It’s cold.” Peter and James crawled into the house but never made it into the guest bedroom. They both fell asleep on the living room floor.
Max didn’t have much of a choice but to settle into the guest bed. It was 3:00 a.m.