“You would, if you paid more attention to me,” I murmured. I realized it was true. Chris didn’t care about what was going on in my life. It took him two and half years to show his face to my family. He never asked me about the friends I saw, hung out with, or caught up with. He was always content with the fact that I was changing myself and my ways for him.
“Damn it, Brianne!” he cursed. “How could this guy ruin us? He was stealing you from under my nose!”
Travis was right. Our relationship was difficult for some guys to understand or accept. That’s why he kept a safe distance from me. Without telling me, I realized then that he’d drawn boundaries between us. He hadn’t turned up on my dates with Chris. He only showed up once or twice a month, and he didn’t demand that I spend too much time with him. Because he wanted to give me a chance to make this work. But still…my relationship with Chris was pretty messed up. Because Chris was one insecure, self-centered man. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.
“I meant it when I said that I wasn’t cheating on you. I’ve never cheated on anybody. Travis and I are friends…the best of friends. He didn’t want to touch me! But I asked him to, because I was young and stupid and under the pressure of high school immaturity. Maybe Cindy should have told you that part. Maybe you should have asked her for the full story.” I was sobbing but fought to keep a steady voice. “I love you, Chris. But I choose Travis.” And I hung up on him.
I stared at Eric brokenly. He inched closer and put an arm around me. I rested my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my raging emotions. I didn’t know how to feel. Devastated? Confused? Angry? Relieved?
“Things will be okay,” Eric said. “Either Chris comes to his senses…or Travis comes to his—although I’m hoping it will be the latter.”
I pulled away from Eric. “Shut up, Eric! You know very well that Travis and I are just friends.”
“I know you are,” he said. He sighed. “But nobody could take care of you better than Travis could, you know?”
“I don’t need just that, Eric. I need somebody who could also love me…exclusively. Somebody I can fall in love with, and somebody who can fall in love with me.”
“What did you and Christian break up over?”
I took a deep breath. I could feel something twist inside my chest. If I hadn’t been resting my head on Eric’s shoulder, I would have been afraid of fainting. “He found out about prom.”
“What about it?”
“Travis…and I…we slept together at prom.”
There was silence and Eric stood still. I pulled away from him and stared at his shocked expression.
“That’s bad!” I groaned. “But I was young. I was…immature! I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. I’d been hoping to sleep with him. I was probably the only girl in school who was a virgin! And then the guys were making bets on who could take my V-card. I was stupid!” I sighed. “I asked Travis to help me out. He didn’t want to. But when he found out that the guy taking me to prom was in on the bet, he beat him up and told me to dump the guy! He took me to prom instead.”
“And so…he took you to bed, too?”
I sighed and then I nodded. “But it was just one night. It was against his will! He almost couldn’t do it!” I laughed humorlessly. “I have no memories of Travis’s face in bed. He wanted both of us not to remember that night. He blindfolded me. He kept his eyes closed during the act. He didn’t want us to mention each other’s names. He turned off all the lights afterward, and it was impossible to see the face of the guy sleeping beside me.
“Then he didn’t show up for weeks. When we saw each other again…all memories were forgotten. I’m not even sure it was Travis at all! All I know is that…I was with a guy on prom night. He made love to me. He taught me what to expect when a man and a woman come together in bed. He made my first time romantic because he said I deserved it.” I shook my head. “But I’m not supposed to remember. I’ve never spoken about it with him. Travis and I don’t see each other that way.”
Eric stared at me wearily. “Did you forget?”
I laughed humorlessly again. “I didn’t have a choice! I…was blindfolded! I never saw his body touching mine! I didn’t see him over me, kissing me, or entering me. I have no memories of making love to Travis. I have memories of making love for the first time…being with a guy for the first time…but I can’t place Travis’s face with the memory. I’m sure he didn’t even take a peek at my face that night. Otherwise, he would never have been able to touch me. He’d be too guilty. Travis valued his friendship with Tom more than anything. He felt he was betraying Tom by touching me.”
“Why did you choose Travis?”
I sighed. “Because I cannot be with a guy who could ask me to give up whatever is left of my ties with my family…whatever is left of my ties with Tom,” I replied. “Travis took care of me when my parents couldn’t…wouldn’t. When I lost Tom, Travis eased so much of the pain! We may not be related by blood, but we have this bond now. I cannot be with a guy who would be selfish enough to ask me to sever those bonds!”
Eric nodded. “I understand. Chris is insecure, but that’s not reason enough to ask so much from you. Give him time. He might come back to his senses.”
When I went home that night, my heart still felt heavy. I wanted to strangle Cindy for betraying me…for not leaving it up to me to tell Christian about that night with Travis. But then again, I wasn’t even sure I planned to tell Christian…or anyone for that matter…about prom night. I was not supposed to remember…I was supposed to forget.
And although that night was probably the most amazing night I’d spent with a man…I couldn’t remember Travis in it. That guy had unnerved me, brought my emotions back to life, made me scream, made me whimper, made me want to stay in his arms forever. It was romantic, sensual, terrifying…it was exciting, addicting…it was everything I’d ever dreamt of and more…so much more.
I was pretty sure no other night with any other guy could measure up with that night. But I didn’t know that guy’s name. I couldn’t place Travis in that memory. He was so much different from that guy I went to bed with. The Travis I knew now would never touch me like that. Even if I begged him to!
I thought about Chris and all his promises, all the nights that we spent together. I realized that I was counting on the relationship to last. Long enough to get me through my family tradition. I realized that I was hoping that after one more year with Chris, he’d be ready to propose to me. But even that would have been a mistake. Travis was right. I did change so much because of him.
Another pain stabbed through my heart. I remembered decorating the apartment with him. He helped me choose the furniture. The whole apartment was a shade of earth tones. Formal. Calm. Professional. So much like Chris! He had such mature taste. I gave up the neon lights because I wanted to fit into Chris’s world…to fit his taste. So he would love me enough to want to marry me and save me from my family’s curse.
I was deeply saddened, and I felt alone. I wanted to cry, but the tears still wouldn’t come. Maybe I was mad at Chris! Maybe it hadn’t sunk in yet. Maybe I was in shock!
I had a hot bath, and then I slipped into a comfortable cotton spaghetti-strap cami and matching shorts. I sat on the couch and closed my eyes. I didn’t think I could sleep in the bed now. The memory of Chris would haunt me, and I knew I would never be able to sleep.
The doorbell rang and I jumped in surprise. I looked at the clock on my wall; it was one in the morning. My heart pounded in my chest.
Chris!
Had he changed his mind? Had he come to tell me he was sorry?
I was shaking when I went to the door. I took one deep breath before I turned the knob and opened it.
My breath caught in my throat. All of a sudden, I realized just how lost I’d really felt all those years. And how sad I really was. It felt like my world was crumbling! I felt like I’d lived in Chris’s world for two
years, and now I was on my own in the world he molded for me, and I didn’t know how to live there alone. And I needed someone to hold me and tell me that it was going to be all right.
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be caught by Travis. He enclosed me in his arms, kept me warm as if he were telling me that I didn’t have to worry. Even if my deadline was looming over me, I didn’t have to worry about another failed relationship. He was there. And no matter what happened, I would be safe.
He lifted me off my feet and carried me. He settled me on the couch, took off his jacket, and gathered me in his arms again. I closed my eyes, inhaled his scent, lost myself, and finally…I was able to cry my heart out.
Chapter Fifteen
We had a dance show the next day. Before going to the theater, I dropped by Chris’s apartment to pick up some of my stuff. I’d left some of my dance clothes at his place.
He wasn’t there, but the girl named Alana was. I was tempted to ask her what she was doing in Chris’s apartment, but I guess I didn’t have to be a genius to guess that.
I was even more heartbroken than I was before. We’d been broken up less than twenty-four hours, and there was already another woman in his house.
Sarah was close to berating me for showing up a few minutes late.
“I dropped by Chris’s apartment to get my stuff,” I said, motioning at the box on the floor.
“Wow! That does not look good!”
I laughed humorlessly. “It doesn’t. But I can’t think of that now! I need to dress up!”
I focused on my dance pieces. I had one with Sarah and some guys. It was a contemporary piece that told a story of a girl who was in love with a guy all her life, but he didn’t have eyes for her. He wanted another girl who was coveted by many others. I was the coveted girl. Sarah played the lead part. It was a difficult piece with many twists and turns and some lifting. It was acting, not just dancing.
We got an encore at the end of our performance. Sarah performed brilliantly, and I was pretty sure I provided a good supporting performance.
We rushed backstage. I had another piece coming. It was a lyrical hip-hop dance. Until a month before, I hadn’t even known I could dance hip-hop.
“What happened?” Sarah asked me as we changed into new costumes.
“We broke up!” I said.
“Why?”
“He didn’t want to be pressured about marriage at this stage. You know I have a deadline. And then he was so insecure about Travis! He asked me to choose between the two of them.”
“And of course you chose Travis,” she concluded.
“You know how important Travis is to me. He may be a difficult man who seems like he doesn’t have a care in the world, but for years, he’s taken care of me. He’s kept me safe, made sure I was provided for.”
“I know,” she said. “Even though you say you cannot love each other romantically, I know he’s just as important as the air that you breathe. But I can’t blame Chris, either. Travis Cross is one guy you hate to compete with!”
“But he isn’t competing with Chris!”
“I know. But Chris would never feel that way. He’d always think that no matter what he did, there was another guy in your life who would always do better! Always smarter, always richer…has that amount of history with you. He could never measure up.”
“Does it even matter that he’s the one I was in love with?”
“It should. But maybe some things are more important to Chris than…the fact that you’re in love with him,” Sarah said.
I finished fixing my hair and stared at myself in the mirror. I had on a lot of makeup. It was necessary, if I didn’t want to look like a corpse on stage.
Just then, one of the production assistants approached me with a bouquet of roses in her arms.
“This came for you, Brianne,” she said.
I stared at the roses and then at Sarah.
“Maybe Chris wanted to apologize,” she said.
I shook my head. “There was a woman in his apartment when I went by. Two words: revenge sex. How could I forgive him for that?”
“But didn’t you say Travis stayed with you last night?”
“But I didn’t sleep with Travis!” I argued. “I fell asleep on the couch beside him. When I woke up we were still on the couch, and we were both fully dressed!”
Sarah giggled. “All right, all right! Case stated. Read the card!”
When I read the message, I was surprised to find that it hadn’t come from Chris.
You were lovely onstage. I’ll wait for you after the show.
Love,
Travis
I was smiling widely, and tears welled up in my eyes. I was deeply touched by his thoughtfulness. I never told him about the dance shows I was participating in. How could he have known?
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Oh, my God! Will you please just snap out of it and marry the guy?”
I laughed. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect it.”
“He’s always watched you! What do you mean you didn’t expect it?”
“No! I don’t even tell him about the shows.”
Sarah was taken aback. “But…he…” She trailed off.
“What?”
“He asked to be on our mailing list a couple of years ago,” she said. “He purchases tickets in advance. I get contacted by his secretary for every show. I’m pretty sure he’s seen all our performances. I thought you knew!”
I was shocked. I shook my head. “No. I never did.”
Our conversation was interrupted by a production assistant calling us to go backstage to wait for our cue. And as we danced into our finale, I had a big smile on my face. I knew, for the first time, I had somebody in the audience watching and cheering for me.
***
I couldn’t help crying while in bed that night. I remembered being there with Chris…all those nights he kept me warm. All those nights we shared our thoughts and dreams with each other. And now, I couldn’t help thinking that he was sharing the night with Alana!
They could be having mindless sex right now! I thought. Alana seemed experienced enough. She might be a tigress in bed. I’d be out of Christian’s mind in no time.
Suddenly, my bedside lamp was turned on and I felt Travis sit on the bed beside me. I was really glad that he’d stayed with me. I was pretty sure I couldn’t do this alone.
He gathered me in his arms and allowed me to cry on his chest. The expression on his face was dark, cold…fathomless, and I knew he was trying to control his emotions.
“When I went to his apartment to get my stuff, I found one of his lady colleagues there. It looks like…he’s sleeping with her now,” I said. “She’s blond. She looks tough, and smart. She’s sophisticated. Professional. She’s a lawyer as well. Her personality is quite strong. She’s very pretty!” I whimpered. “I guess he was telling me he could replace me with someone prettier…someone who has more…success, much more going on in her life. I really felt small…and I couldn’t believe it only took him a couple of hours to throw it all away. Two years!”
Travis didn’t say anything.
“Chris is a very ambitious guy! He’s got so much control. He wanted me to be…a lot of things. I tried to change that. For two years, I built my life around him. I just didn’t expect it to end this way.”
Still, Travis kept quiet. But he continued holding me against his chest. I stared up at him. Usually, he would offer a sarcastic remark or tell me what a moron Chris was. But now he wasn’t saying anything. “Are you okay?” I asked him.
He took a deep breath. “I was trying my best to tune it out,” he said in a harsh tone. “Because I’m a few seconds away from hunting that moron down and punching all his teeth down his throat!”
I smiled at him. “Thank you,” I said to him. “I don’t think I can be alone for this. Not here,” I said. I looked around my apartment. “We painted these walls, you know. He chose the colors. He chose the bed…he chose almost every piece of furn
iture that I have here.”
“Thank God!” he said sarcastically. “I was afraid your taste had gotten boring! It’s a relief to know you weren’t the one who decorated your apartment.”
“Is it boring?” I asked him.
“It’s not you,” he said. “I noticed it the first time I came here. I know you would never settle for colors this…safe. You’d be more creative.”
“He didn’t come to a single show I had,” I said. “I didn’t play a major part in any of the shows, but it would have been nice to have someone in the audience cheering for me.”
“You had someone,” Travis said quietly.
“I didn’t know that,” I said. I stared up at him again. His expression was sober. “Thank you for watching me, Travis. Even if I didn’t know it, you were always there. Did you really come to my shows?”
He nodded. “Every single one of them,” he replied. “You were brilliant! I wonder why you haven’t had a starring role in the dances.”
“I am a part-time member,” I said. “I did it for fun. Sarah and the others work there full-time. They do it for a living. I was doing it to keep myself sane. Now I realize I was dancing to get in touch with whatever’s left of the real me. The me that Chris never really appreciated.”
“Do you even like managing a gallery?”
“I don’t hate it. But I always feel it could be my paintings I’m selling,” I said.
“Why don’t you pursue that path?”
“I need the money,” I replied. “I’m not as rich as you, Travis Cross.”
“You don’t have to be to pursue your dreams,” he said.
“I need to do it for Mom, too,” I said. “She needed help managing her galleries.”
“You can do that and paint, you know.”
I sighed. “Chris would never approve.”