It made him wonder if all of this was still salvageable and that he may still be able to get his life back on track. He had always allowed his heart to dictate how he was feeling.
He never really allowed his brain to speak up and put a stop to his childish thoughts of Karen and what might have been. Even after seeing her again, he still wanted what he and Sheila had together to work.
"James," she whispered, "this was really nice. I had a wonderful time with you."
James did not know what to say, part of him wanted to ask her what she had really been doing here and tell why he had really been here too. Another part of him wanted to forget all of that and just focus on what was right here in front of him.
He couldn't help but think that it may have been too late for them, but he pushed those thoughts aside and tried to really make his heart feel what it had always felt for her. He had really enjoyed lunch also; he had really enjoyed reconnecting with the person in his life that had been with him through it all.
"I had a good time too. We should do this more often, just you and I" he replied.
James caught a brief look of sadness that crossed her face, before she smiled gently.
"James, can we go home?" she asked "The girls aren't done with camp until three, right?"
The look on her face said it all.
James was floored, he did not care at that moment that she had been waiting for Will and that he had already met with Leah earlier. All that mattered to James was getting his wife home and showing her how much he still loved and cared about her.
He promised himself as they made love again for the first time in how many months; he would be a changed man. He was going to reevaluate everything in his life and make sure he started focusing on the important stuff.
Their kisses were passionate and her hunger for him actually surprised him. Their unspoken words of desire and need combined to create a very physical and intense sexual exchange between them.
James collapsed unto his side and lay with his arm across her chest. He could feel her heart beating in rhythm with his own, and their deep breaths slowed as they both succumbed to the sheer exhaustion of the moment.
It was not until the phone rang that James was aroused from his slumber, still holding his wife close to him and realizing that there was truly no where else he wanted to be.
Leah was vibrant and exciting, and the memory of Karen was always there in the back of his mind, but James came to understand that Sheila had always been the one that he was meant to be with.
James dropped the cordless phone once before he could answer it and when he finally answered, was shocked to hear the girl's camp counselor on the other end.
He immediately looked at the clock and it registered that it was twenty after three.
He made his apologies and promised that he would be there in fifteen minutes.
As he pulled on his jeans and an old t-shirt from the drawer, he noticed Sheila staring at him.
"I love you James," she stated simply, "I really do. I am sorry that I take you for granted and I truly want to work on getting back to you and me, to really remembering why we fell in love and got married."
James could see the tears in her eyes.
He leaned down and kissed her gently on the forehead.
"I am sorry too. I want to get back to you and me too," he replied, "are you going to head back to work or will you be here when we get back?"
His heart was ready for the disappointment and hoped that today had not been too good to be true, but she surprised him.
"No, I think I am going to lay here in the afternoon sunshine and read. And when you guys get back, we should all make a picnic dinner together. Wouldn't that be fun?"
James just smiled and felt deep in his heart that things might just be turning around. He felt nothing more than a dull ache in his head and couldn't remember that last time he felt so good.
This day had been what he had been looking for; confirmation that their love was still there and that he was crazy for ever wanting anything else.
Sheila was still home when he got back with the girls, as promised and they had shared a picnic dinner as a family in the backyard.
That evening, after putting the girls to bed together, she and James had made slow, passionate love again under the stars while they lay naked wrapped in a blanket on the deck.
The moonless night allowed the stars to shine bright in the ink black sky, and it was then that James decided that no matter what happened from this point forward, he was going to be faithful to Sheila. He was going to be the husband she wanted and the dad that his girls needed.
****
Amazingly the rain continued to fall as James drove home from Gene's bar.
It had been really nice to see him again.
James had forgotten what a kind and gentle soul he was. It hurt James to think that his father was so confused about his mother's and Gene's relationship. He could tell that Gene had genuinely cared for his mother but also cared for them as a family.
Gene had gone to great lengths to make sure the their family was taken care of at all costs and still today he was offering his assistance in any way it could be used. James could have only hoped to have ever been as good a man as Gene was. He could have spent his whole life striving to be like his old friend, but he would never have measured up.
James' eyes stung from all of the tears he had cried and his head was almost numb with pain. Each passing set of headlights sliced through his skull and made him wince. He wished he had a pair of sunglasses in the car, the pain was so bad.
He was headed home now.
There were things he needed to take care of before the day was through.
James was weary from the day of emotions and wished more than anything that he could just lie in Sheila's arms again. He wanted to hold her and tell her he was sorry for all that he had done to her and the girls. He knew there was no going back for them now.
He had tried to explain to her that he had been ready to move forward together, but after she had found the note, she was hurt and enraged.
They had opened up to each other and he felt like they were on a new path in their lives. She had opened up about Will and he had opened up about Leah. There was shouting and there had been tears but over the last couple of weeks, James felt things had been progressing between them.
It was only after she read the letter from Karen, that she had packed up the girls and left.
It hurt James more to know that his girls were gone then he could have ever imagined. He was sorry for what he had done to Sheila, but he couldn't imagine any forgiveness for hurting his girls. She had taken the girls to her sister's house in Hawley.
Sheila had made no mention of his illness before she left, so he could only assume that Will had not told her he was sick. It comforted him to know that neither she nor the girls would ever know that he had been suffering all this time. He felt that it was punishment for what he had done in his life; it was fitting he should be made to endure the pain alone.
After all that they had discussed, Sheila had made it clear that she wanted nothing more to do with him and it was over. She had mentioned that they could work through things for the girls but James knew that it would have never worked between them ever again.
His heart was torn in two forever.
He still had a deep love for Karen that, even through all the years apart, was reignited after seeing her again.
There was also the part of his heart that loved and adored Sheila and his girls; the part of him that wanted more than anything to be a happy family for the rest of his life.
It had become apparent to him today that his heart would never heal from the marks left by Karen.
Even in her death, she was still able to control his heart.
The words she had written him resonated in his mind. She had truly loved him and had spent the last years of her life searching for the same thin
g that he had been searching for as well. Destined soul mates lost in life, continually seeking the love they had once shared.
Sadness and sorrow took over again, the emotional storm inside is mind was almost too much for him to take. James pulled his car into an abandoned lot and killed the engine. For the second time that day, he found himself alone in his car unable to control the overwhelming flood of feelings assaulting his every thought. As the rain washed over his car, he sat in silence and cried.
****
It was a couple of days after the day he spent with Sheila that James called Karen.
He was not sure why he called her, but the number had been in his pants pocket and he found it when he was doing laundry.
The idea of speaking to her and finding out exactly why things had happened the way they had was too enticing.
His fingers dialed the number and he waited, listening to the rings and he suddenly hoped she didn't answer.
"Hello" she said and James' heart stopped.
"Um. Hi Karen, it's James, James Matheson" he stammered, "How are you?"
His hands started to sweat around the receiver and his throat felt dry.
"Oh, hey Jimmy!" she replied, "I am fine, so glad you called."
Pleasantly surprised by her response, James found himself more relaxed.
"Yeah, just doing laundry and found this old receipt that says 'call for a good time' and I thought what the hell, right?"
She laughed, "You could call me for a good time anytime you want."
"Oh really, well I will have to keep that in mind" he replied.
Their conversation flowed easily from there.
They talked about that summer and they talked about their lives. She opened up about her ex-husband and why their marriage had never lasted.
They shared kid stories about late night throw up sessions and missing blankie emergencies.
James thought it was really nice catching up with her. It was like reconnecting with a long lost friend. They didn't talk about feelings; James was not sure how to broach the subject. He was worried that it was not going to be the same for her and he would just sound like a complete fool. He was unsure if he would ever be able to tell her how he really felt about her after so many years.
His life had become so complicated.
He could not understand why he had never been able to get over her; why he had never been able to let what they had shared go. It seemed as though he had spent every minute after that summer trying to put distance between them and to forget all that his heart had felt in holding her.
The way they had connected was what some people would spend their entire lives looking for. He had found that one person in this world that made his heart and soul feel complete. After she was gone from his life, he had spent so much time trying to find that sense of completeness within his life and had not succeeded. Life continued on and priorities changed, but she was always constant in the back of his mind and deep inside his heart. He had walled her off in hopes that she would never haunt his thoughts again, but inevitably she always resurfaced making him realize that he would never be rid of her.
Now, he was on the phone chatting with this woman who had changed his life and he worried that it had all been for nothing; that she had not felt the same way for him.
Irrational thoughts clouded his mind.
Thoughts that he had ruined all that was good in his life for a chance at knowing if true love had been waiting for him.
It became very clear to James that she may not feel the same way about him and that all of his life he had been holding on to a fantasy. The words that Tim had spoken to him whispered back again. Tim had told him to get over it and move on; to be right with it all before he made his life with Sheila. James had not heeded his friend's advice and now was faced with potential heartbreak.
James was now concerned to even talk to Karen about any of this; he felt as if he should just let it go. After all this time, he wanted to leave it alone and not risk having to deal with the truth. He wanted to keep what they had between each other as special and not find out what she did or didn't feel now.
"So Jimmy, listen," she said, "I think we should get together and have lunch or something. What do you think?"
The idea was not at the top of James' to do list at the moment.
He thought they might talk once or twice and try to find some answers between them about what had really happened that summer and get some closure. And with the risk of finding out his feelings had not been shared after all these years, terrified him. Also, thoughts of complete disappointment and sadness were quickly joined by guilt. He and Sheila had really been trying to work through things at home. He had promised to end things with Leah and she had done the same. James had told Leah that they needed to take some time away from each other, and he had hoped she understood. Sheila had been coming home more frequently for dinner and they had shared some really nice family time with the girls. They had made a promise to each other to be honest and open with one another moving forward. It was agreed upon between them that they had lost that open communication and that is where their marriage had started to dissolve. They needed to work on their relationship as husband and wife for there to be any sort of relationship as mom and dad for Miranda and Kayla.
James could not allow this turn of events with Karen to stand in the way of what he and Sheila had been fighting to save.
"Lunch?" he replied, "well I don't know, it's…"
She cut him off before he could continue, "Jimmy, it will be innocent, just two old friends catching up."
She paused, waiting for him to reply. When none came, she continued.
"Jimmy, at this point in our lives there is nothing we could want or need from each other, if that is what you are worried about."
James thought about it, she could not have been more wrong.
"I just want to see you again, to look into your eyes and just catch up with you, really catch up."
He could feel himself hesitating to tell her no, he did want to see her too. He wanted to be near her and to let his heart remember all that it was about her that made it so hard to forget.
"Listen, I … well, things have been sort of complicated on my end with Sheila and we are trying to work through some things and getting together with an old flame would not sit well."
It felt like he had just tossed a grenade in her bunker and was waiting for it to detonate.
He waited for her to say she understood and that it was nice talking to him, have a great life, etc. etc.
"I understand Jimmy, I really do. If me and my ex had talked more, I would not be the spot I am today, I understand" she replied.
"But I promise it will be nothing more than lunch, you and I are way passed all of the things we did that summer aren't we?"
She was wrong again.
"We are adults now, with children and lives. It would just be nice to be able to talk to you face to face one more time, whataya say?"
His defenses crumbled and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest.
Of course he wanted to see her again, and it didn't matter if she shared his feelings after so long, he needed to tell her how he felt and try to put the memory of what they shared to rest. It was important to his relationship with Sheila that he closes this door in this heart forever
"Lunch right? Just two old friends catching up?" he asked.
"Yes, just lunch."
"Ok, it's a date."
They say you can hear a smile over the phone.
It was clear that she was beaming as she exclaimed, "Yes! That is great. When and where?"
The lunch date was set for the following week on Wednesday. James knew Sheila had a lunch meeting with clients; they had started sharing their calendars and plans in a show of trust and respect for each other. The girls were still in camp for another week and James would be free to have lunch with no interruption in their schedule. They had said goodbye that day and James
found himself constantly thinking about Karen after their phone conversation. The days passed slowly, and eventually it was Wednesday morning and James could think of nothing else but seeing her again and finally telling her the truth about his feelings, no matter what the outcome. He had talked himself into it and he knew this was going to be the only way he and Sheila could move on with their marriage.
****
James had no idea what time it was or how long he had sat in his car.
The shrill ring of his cell phone shocked him back to reality and pierced through his pounding head like lightning.
He looked at the caller ID and it read Sheila Cell.
He flipped open his phone.
"Hello" he answered, his hoarse voice cracked.
"James, it's me."
Sheila sounded tired.
"Are you ok?" she asked with concern in her voice.
He wanted to tell her no.
He wanted to tell her everything that had happened to day and tell her that he loved her more than she would ever understand. He wanted to scream out that he was sorry for all that he had done and that he wanted nothing more than to have the life they once shared back again.
He couldn't say any of those things, he could only reply, "Yeah… yeah. I'm fine. How are the girls?"
She hesitated, almost as if she knew he was lying.
"They are fine, a little confused but happy to be with their cousins."
He smiled thinking of his girls in spite of all the pain he was feeling.
"James listen, we need to talk. I should not have taken the girls and left, I know that," her voice wavered, "but it hurt me so bad to read that letter you had hidden from me, to know that after all we had promised each other in the past weeks…"
She broke off and started to cry.
His heart was breaking.
He knew she had read the letter from Karen, the one he had received in the mail.
He had opened it in the morning and tried to hide it his sock drawer before going to the CT scan Will had ordered.
Sheila had found it putting some laundry away and they had fought about it that evening after the girls were in bed.
James tried to explain to her that it meant nothing and that she was wrong in accusing him of doing anything behind her back, but it was not worth it.