The next day she had come home from work and taken the girls to her sister's. He had been out food shopping, and when he got home the note had been on the counter waiting for him.
"Dibbs listen. Please don't cry…" he tried to say but her sobs where all he could hear.
"Sheila, please calm down, please."
He could hear her trying to get a hold of herself as she stifled her sobs.
"James, what has happened to us? Why has it come to this between us?" she whimpered.
James didn't have an answer; he was at a complete loss for words.
"James, I am sitting here on the turnpike trying to figure out where I should go and what I should do?"
She continued "Part of me wants to come home to you scream at you and make things better, but then Will calls out of the blue and says that he would like to see me tonight."
"Will called you tonight?" he asked.
He could feel his senses sharpen through the haze of pain in his head.
"Yes, he called and said he needed to talk to me."
"First of all, where are the girls Dibbs?" he asked.
His thoughts became clearer.
"Tina has them. She took all of the kids to a movie. She wanted me to have some alone time to think."
James had no idea why Will would have called her or why she was on her way back down the turnpike.
"Why did he call you? What did he want?" James could feel the anger and betrayal building inside of him and he knew that it came out in his voice.
"I have no idea James… he just called me and said that he wanted to see me."
She started to cry again.
"James I am so confused by all of this" she tried to catch her breath, "I know I was wrong too, I was wrong to do the tings I did to you but it was only after I had found out about you and that slut from school. I just met Will one day and I was mad and hurt by you."
James just listened; he knew she needed to get it out.
"He was so dashing a handsome, he made me feel beautiful and sexy" her voice changed, she regained some of her composure.
"James, he said all the right things, the things that you were not saying to me because you were running around with that husband stealing tramp."
James fought the urge to defend Leah at that moment, he knew that he deserved to have Sheila yell at him and in one respect she was right. Leah had known James was married, but that never seemed to matter to her.
"Will knew all the right things to say and he made me feel alive again. I know that is horrible and I am so sorry for ever letting him get to me, but I was hurt James, I was hurt and felt very alone."
James cleared his throat. He didn't know what to say to her.
"I don't expect you to say anything, just listen, we have both made some mistakes, but we were trying to work through them, what you and I have is more important than the mistakes we made. But to find that letter from that other woman… well, it hurt, it hurt me more then I could have ever guessed"
She stopped talking to try and collect herself again.
"Who is she James? Who is this new woman? And how can she feel so strongly for you? How long has this been going on with her?"
James' voice almost failed him as he tried to explain everything to Sheila.
"Dibbs, she was an old friend that…" his voice cracked again and the pain in his head was agonizing.
"Ok, listen" she stated, "I am going to come home and you and I are going to talk about this. I care about you too much and I care about our family too much to let this destroy all that we have worked for."
James wanted that more than he knew, but he also knew that it would just complicate things.
"You don't have to do that Dibbs. It's raining and you're upset, you should just go back to your sister's and have a glass of wine. We can talk tomorrow."
He lied to her, but he knew if she came down tonight he wouldn't follow through with his plan.
"No" she said, "we need to talk and tonight is as good a time as any. I haven't slept a wink in two days and we need to talk about this."
He knew it was a lost cause to argue with her at this point.
"Where are you now?" he asked.
"I am at the rest stop near Jennersville, the one with the Arby's you used to love."
That gave him about forty-five minutes until she was home, maybe an hour with the weather.
"Ok" he replied, "please drive safe and I will talk to you when you get here."
He would make it home in plenty of time before she got there.
"I will James, see you soon" she said, "and James?"
"Yes" he replied.
"I love you… that has never changed."
"I love you too Dibbs, I love you too."
He meant that and hoped that she would always remember it.
He ended the call and stared out across the empty lot where he was parked and wondered about all that had transpired today and all that he still needed to do.
James started the car and turned back onto the road headed towards his neighborhood. The house would be cold and empty when he arrived and he needed it to be that way.
****
On his way out the door to his lunch date with Karen, James tossed his fishing gear the trunk. It had been too long since he had wet his line. And he figured he might need the time to think after talking to Karen.
They had made arrangements to meet at a place over in Fairview; it was a small Italian place that made the best garlic knots James had ever tasted. It was a little out of the way and James didn't need to worry about running into anyone he knew.
On the way there James blared the radio. He jammed out to some of his favorite classic rock tunes.
He was drumming on his steering wheel, waiting at a red light, when a sharp pain started to radiate from behind his left eye. He could not remember ever experiencing anything like that before in his life.
James was temporarily blinded.
He was nervous and confused by the sensation.
The pain dissipated and his vision slowly returned. His head felt numb and his thoughts were momentarily jumbled and confused.
It took a moment for him to take stock on where he was and what he was doing.
The light changed and he drove off.
James gave little thought to the pain he experienced and it wasn't until later in the week that it happened again with more severity.
He arrived at the restaurant early and waited in the parking lot for Karen to arrive. He had nothing to be concerned about, but if she did stand him up for whatever reason, he didn't want to be sitting at a table alone when it happened.
He sat and listened to the radio, he had turned the station to country after the pain in his eye, his head just felt heavy and loud guitar riffs from classic rock bands were not what the doctor ordered.
Kenny Chesney was singing about his life and the changes that had occurred when he noticed the same familiar mini-van from the post office pull into the parking lot. He was now nervous, faced with seeing her again, James got that same dry mouth feeling and his hands started to sweat.
He got out of his car as she was walking to the door of the restaurant.
He called to her, "Hey lady, weren't you the one that almost ran down that guy in the post office parking lot the other day?"
She turned, smiled at him and James felt all the walls, he had worked so hard to build around his heart, collapse to dust.
There was the one person in James' life that had made his heart feel whole. Standing in the bright summer sun, shading her eyes with her hand, was the only woman that had made James truly feel alive and in tune with his mind and body. He was sure that there was a reason he had held on so long to her memory.
She was wearing a pair of linen slacks that hung freely at her ankles above her flip-flops. The light material of her loose fitting tank top left little to the imagination as the soft breeze teased the fabric around all of her curves. She was fit and her body was ton
ed. James felt out of shape; he was not in the same shape as she had known.
She looked amazing, he found himself staring, taking her all in as he crossed the lot towards her.
"Yeah" she replied, "that was me. What's it to ya?"
James could do nothing but smile as he approached her.
They instantly embraced with no questions asked.
"You look stunning" he whispered as they held each other close.
"Why thank you Mr. Matheson, you don't look so bad yourself."
Their hug lasted longer than it should have for old friends, but it didn't matter to James at that moment. He was holding in his arms again, the woman who had haunted his dreams and controlled his heart for over ten years.
She backed away from him first and he was sad that they could not have held that embrace longer.
It wouldn't be until much later that he would realize that it was the last time he was able to hold her.
"Well, shall we?" she asked.
"We shall" he replied and opened the door for her.
The small restaurant was quaint. Decorated with old black and white photos of Mediterranean landscapes and aged Italian men on benches. The ceilings were low and the light from outside was diffused by rustic wooden shutters. Each table was set with fine white linens and the centerpieces were old wine bottles with candles burning from their necks; wax dripped down around the bottle like magma rolling from an active volcano.
They were seated by an elderly woman with a friendly smile.
Her hands were the shade of seasoned leather and her knuckles were large and rounded from arthritis.
"Right this way please" she said, "I always save this table for lovers."
She smiled and helped Karen with her chair.
"Oh no, thanks we are not lovers" James replied, somewhat embarrassed.
"We are just old friends, thanks."
The old woman nodded and seemed to listen to James but not hear him.
"You both have a look of love in your eyes, you may be friends, but I think there might be more feelings than that between the two of you."
The old woman scurried away before he could rebuttal and all James could do was chuckle at her observation.
It was true that there was more between them. It was unmistakable and the hug they just shared in the parking lot confirmed to James that Karen still had feelings for him.
"She may be right you know" Karen stated, "We both probably have the same goofy smile on our face right now."
"Well, she may be right, fine. Either way, it got us a really nice table for lunch" James joked.
She smiled again and his head was sent spinning. He felt as if he needed to pinch himself and he would wake from this dream. He had always thought he may see her again, but now here they were sitting together, having lunch and she looked as radiant as she did years ago.
****
The house appeared like a phantom in the night as he pulled into the driveway.
Completely dark, the house looked unwelcoming and almost menacing.
James never thought that he could ever feel that way about his home; it had always been a warm and friendly place. He had shared the humble home with his family and there were many memories stashed in the walls and tucked under the floorboards. He had always thought of his home as his refuge, the escape from all else. He and Sheila were raising their daughters under that roof and living their lives.
Now it sat as an empty shell, vacant of all the love that they had all shared under its roof. He remembered what the previous owner had told him about the house.
"This house is a strong, sturdy home. She will take care of you if you take care of her" the old man had lamented.
"Remember that home is where the heart is and where a family grows."
A fresh set of tears stung James' eyes as he rolled into the garage and out of the miserable weather. It had meant so much to him when they had bought the house. He had taken pride in the house and wanted his girls to have the very best he could provide. He could put into words how much it meant to be able to care for his father when he had needed James the most. Sheila had been so understanding, and their home was big enough that it never seemed like a burden to have his Dad living with them.
But now the house was empty, cold and lonely. Sheila had taken the girls and James had been here in the house alone and miserable.
He had gotten the news about Karen from the obituaries of all places. It had been the morning after Sheila had left, he was sitting at the table in the kitchen reading the paper and trying to keep so sort of normalcy in his life that seemed to be careening out of control.
He had not spoken to Sheila or the girls, his friend and doctor was screwing around with his wife or his father who was deteriorating both mentally and physically.
James could not understand all that was happening and why.
There was a constant throb in his head now and no medication whatsoever seemed to help the pain.
James entered the kitchen from the garage and noticed that the paper still lay open to the obituary section where he had read about Karen's death.
The empty bottle of whiskey and broken glass lay on the floor.
Glass crunched under his shoes as he moved across the tiled floor and into the family room.
James was surrounded by pictures of his family. Candid shots of the girls in the backyard and family photos from vacation covered the walls.
Sheila loved to be surrounded by photographs, she had always said that those memories would be captured forever and could be remembered that way. His heart was heavy as he sat down on the couch and looked at all the pictures of his family. Images of a happier time in his life spiraled around him and mocked him.
His whole life had come down to this moment where he realized that his conflicted heart had driven him to ruin all that was good in his life. He had destroyed the wonderful marriage and relationship he had with Sheila. He had never been the truly exceptional father that his girls deserved. His desire to recall and relive those moments under the stars with Karen had caused James to take his whole entire life for granted. He never truly realized how much Sheila meant to him or how important she had been in his life. His daughters would never understand what type of man he was or why he had done the things he did to up heave their childhoods. How could never explain to them that sometimes there is a person in your life that touches your heart so deeply that you may never be able to get that person out of you. And if that person, your soul mate, is not the one you end up spending the rest of your life with, no matter what you do or where your life takes you, that one person will always be with you.
James had love and still did love Sheila very much, but he could now honestly say that she was not his soul mate. She is his best friend and he cared very deeply for her but he had done too much wrong to her. She could never forgive him for all that he had done to hurt her and the girls.
James was stirred out of his thoughts by the slash of headlights through the window and across the wall.
He had been trying to write a quick note to Sheila, one that expressed his true feelings. He wanted to write her a note to help her try and understand everything and why he did what he had done.
The splash of headlights across the room changed that and he wondered how Sheila had gotten home so fast. He knew from speaking to her earlier that she was still a good forty five minutes away from home. James waited for her to turn off the car and come inside, but there car just sat in the driveway with its lights glaring into the house.
James walked out of the garage door and was surprised to see a large, white SUV sitting in the driveway.
****
It was several days after they had first had lunch that Karen invited James to her house for brunch. They had enjoyed such a nice time at the quaint restaurant with too much food and way too much wine; it was hard for James to refuse the invitation.
Being with Karen was easy; it had always been that way. Th
ere was something about her that relaxed James and made him feel at ease and comfortable. James was aware of the position he was putting himself in, but he felt good about all of it. He had no intentions of hurting Sheila again, and he had no intention of doing anything to further jeopardize his marriage.
During their lunch together they had reminisced and shared memories Orion. They laughed at the good times and cried when they talked about Tim. It had been so nice to just catch up with her, to see her again and to know that she had moved on and lived her life after that summer.
Karen met James at her front door in a light cotton tank top and a denim skirt. Her hair was up in a pony tail, high on the back of her head. She looked ten years younger; much like the girl James knew and fell in love with under the hot summer sun.
She smiled carelessly and offered him a drink as she led him through the first floor of her small, humble townhouse.
Evidence of her boys cluttered the corners of the front family room and their school pictures covered the refrigerator.
Karen brought James a cool glass of iced tea with a fresh slice of lemon floating amongst the ice cubes. It tasted cool and refreshing. James was amazed at how good she looked, and how much he still adored her. Their conversation was light as Karen prepared the meal for them to share.
"I hope you don't mind omelets" she inquired.
"Absolutely not, I love eggs, from my head down to my legs" James quipped, it sounded corny before he even said it.
Karen smiled at him and just shook her head.
"At least some things will never change. You are still a complete and total dork Jimmy."
"Hey" he responded, "I take offense to that. I am pretty sure you liked all the jokes I used to tell. And If I remember correctly, this big dork won you over didn't he?"
"Yes. Yes you did win me over."
Karen served a fresh cut fruit salad and egg white omelets with cheese and tomatoes. They ate out on her back deck under the shade of a huge silver maple that covered her backyard with its immense leaf covered limbs.
The morning had turned out to be absolutely spectacular and a light breeze shifted through the trees as they enjoyed good food and friendly conversation together.