James had tried to get Karen out of his head. He had done everything he could to put that part of his life behind him and move forward. He told himself time and time again that it had meant nothing more to her than what it was. James was unable to ever really convince himself of that. He had the note to go by, the one she wrote; that was her chance to tell him how she really felt and she didn't have anything to tell. James had left it as it was. He had made it through the first semester of grad school and was pushing on into the second half of the year. Things with Sheila were going well, she had gotten a great job and he was working nights to help offset the cost of living and going to school. He had started saving for a ring and was planning on asking Sheila to be his bride at the end of this school year. She had always talked about a spring or summer wedding and this would give her about a year to plan. James was serious about his decision and the way his heart felt about Karen would change in time; he told himself that fact over and over again.
Tim entered the restaurant and James immediately flagged him down. The two embraced and exchanged "Good to see you's" and "How ya doin's."
James was surprised to see that Tim had put on a little weight from the last time they had seen each other.
"Damn it's good to see you. How have you been man?" Tim asked.
"I have been really good. Sheila and I moved in together in the fall and I am in the second half of my first year of grad school. How about you?" James replied.
"I am doing great!" Tim exclaimed, "My new job is sending me all over the country for training and informational talks. I love the travel. Hey, Renee and I are engaged."
"That's awesome, why didn't you write and tell me?" James asked.
"It just happened over the past weekend, I was headed out here for another trip and she was really getting on my case about all of the traveling, so I popped the question and that seemed to settle her down" Tim said as he smiled and winked at James.
"We are living in California now, she moved out to look for work and be close to me after camp. We have not left each others sides since. How about you? You and Sheila, is that pretty serious?"
James could see the question in his friend's eyes and didn't necessarily want to go there with him.
"Yeah, it is. She really means a lot to me and she has been there through it all. Hell, she stuck with me being gone for almost four months last summer and still wanted me when I got back."
Tim looked straight at James with a slight smirk on his face, "Have you heard from her James?"
James hesitated for only a second or two, pretending he didn't know who Tim was referring to.
"No. I have not seen or heard from her since I left that day" James paused, "I really don't think I ever will hear from her, it was just one of those things you know."
"Is that what you have gone on telling yourself, does that help you forget her?" Tim asked.
"No, it doesn't help but it gets me by" James said looking down at the menu in front of him.
"She was different wasn't she? She meant more than just a summer fling, didn't she?" Tim asked, probing deeper.
"Yes she was. And now I don't know what to do about it. Man, you could even see it, although it wasn't like we were hiding it towards the end there."
Tim shook his head and looked James in the eyes, "You have got to be sure about your heart on this. You can't let this thing hang out there for the rest of your life, it will drive you crazy."
James knew what his friend was saying and understood.
"Renee told you to ask about her, didn't she? Has she talked to Karen since the summer?"
Tim's eyes darted away from James' and he looked a tad ashamed.
"It's okay Tim, just tell me. I will not break down and start to cry on you."
Tim stiffened his back and looked at James again, "Renee talked to her once or twice, but you know girls, they don't tell us guys anything. She and Karen kept in touch until after Christmas, she came out to visit. She has family in L.A. But I don't think Renee has talked to her in over a month now. They just seem to be drifting apart."
James was surprised to hear that Tim had seen Karen since the summer.
He mustered up the courage to ask, "Did she ask about me?"
Tim rolled his eyes and laughed out loud, the same laugh that had ignited many late nights of fun in their cabin.
"James, are you sure that her feelings were the same as yours?" Tim asked.
James didn't know how to respond; he wasn't sure of anything. He knew how he felt about her and he had always hoped she had felt the same way.
"I can't be sure dude, but we shared something that neither of us could deny. I think what we had together meant more than either of us could see at the time" James replied.
Tim looked at James across the table and sighed, "Look James, I never wanted to be the one to tell you this, but now that I can see that you can't let this go, I am going to have to be the one."
James was intrigued by what Tim had to tell him that could be relevant to his situation.
"Listen man, remember when you left early, you left before the rest of us did after camp so that you could get back to school on time?" Time stated.
"Yeah, I remember" James replied.
"Well," Tim said, pausing only briefly to collect his thoughts, "the rest of us stayed a couple more days, tried to get the most out of the summer and hold on to what we had right then and there."
James was sure Tim was referring to his relationship with Renee and not wanting to let go of that time together.
"There were some long nights over those last few days, and well, I am pretty sure that Karen and Dave did more than share their thoughts on the summer, if you catch my drift."
James' breath caught in his throat at the sound of Tim's words.
He felt betrayed; a feeling of disgust came over him. He felt that slick, oily emotion of hurt and jealousy creep in.
"Are you bull-shitting me Griz? Are you being serious?" James asked bluntly.
"She apparently found comfort in Dave's arms after you left and well, I had hoped that you still weren't carrying a torch because it looked like, at that time that she was over you real quick."
Tim looked at him, and James knew he could see the hurt in his eyes.
"That's messed up. What the fuck is up with that?" James found himself suddenly trying to control his temper.
"Easy Killer," Tim responded, "you guys met for the summer and hooked-up, she moved on to the next after you went home to your girlfriend."
It was clear to James right there that Karen had just used him for the summer and there was nothing more to what they had shared then the physical stuff.
"That is hard to swallow Griz. I truly thought there was more to her. I really thought that we had something more. She fooled me, huh?" James tried to laugh it off.
"My friend, you have got a major issue on your hands and until you solve it, there will never be a moments rest for you. I didn't want to ever tell you about what happened after you left but, I really think you needed to hear it. And who better to hear it from than me," he smiled his wide grin, "now, let's order some food, I'm starving."
James shrugged off Tim's comments and agreed on ordering dinner. It ate at him that Tim had seen Karen and that she possibly could have mentioned him, but he didn't bring it up again.
They shared memories over dinner and laughed about good times. They spent the rest of the evening just talking and reminiscing. Tim was the first to call an end to the night, he had an early presentation in the morning and then he was headed back to California. Tim hoped to be back east over the summer and promised that he and Renee would come and visit for a couple of days.
James looked forward to seeing Tim again, and as they left the restaurant that night, he knew Tim was one of the best friends he would ever have.
****
James awoke to the soft drumming of rain against the windows.
It continued to rain h
eavily outside and left James wondering about that movie, he couldn't recall the title, but the one character always said, "It can't rain all the time…"
James unfortunately felt, deep inside, that it could. He felt as if it would never stop raining and his days were destined to be gray and gloomy for a long time to come. Not unlike the cute gray donkey from Winnie the Pooh, James was doomed to be Eeyore; with a dark rain cloud over his head everyday.
His life was dreary, yes he had a loving wife and children that loved him, but his heart was broken. The sadness that came from James' broken heart consumed him and controlled all that he did. James felt like he had a grasp on his life, he had come to realize what was important and he thought he knew what made him happy. James' heart had other ideas and only made them known fully to him when he had heard from Karen four weeks ago. His life had been going in a direction he wanted and the decisions he had been making were always for his family and their future. His job was not the greatest but it helped pay the bills. James had friends that loved him and respected him and his extended family was supportive and loving towards everything he did. James' father had been particularly supportive of James and for that, James was always grateful. Being his only son, James knew his father always wanted the best for his son, and would have tried to help him through any turmoil life threw at him. James felt ashamed of the things he had done in his life that his father would not have approved. These were the things that had started weighing very heavily on James' mind and heart. He had always meant to be a faithful and loving husband. He strived to be the best dad that he could to his kids, but he always felt he fell short. Most things he hardly talked to his wife about, and some of those things he never would.
Tears started down his face again as he lay in the warmth of Leah's embrace. James had begun to doubt the type of man that he had become. He had never meant to hurt anyone and wanted only the best for the ones that he loved. Many things in his life had changed around James; most were out of his control. James felt that he was at a crossroads in his life; any decisions that he made from this moment forward would affect everyone he loved.
James slowly got up from the couch and made his way into the kitchen. The day had passed into late afternoon and the autumn sun had fallen from the sky behind its veil of gray. The kitchen was dark but for the glow of a small scented candle Leah had lit on the counter. The light that shone from the windows was dull and cast deep shadows into the corners and under the large oak cabinets. The soft music from the radio filled the room but did little to ward off the darkness.
James needed something for his head. The pain was worsening and he had to take the edge off. Leah kept the medicine in one of the cabinets, but James couldn't remember which one. He started with the far left cabinet and got lucky after the second door he opened. The first cabinet contained cups and mugs, with one missing; the one that was in the living room holding his long, cold coffee. James returned to the first cabinet to retrieve a glass after he shook some Advil tablets into his hand. He knew this was the strongest stuff Leah had and it would have to do. James' headaches had been getting worse over the past couple of days and he wished that a good amount of it could be attributed to stress.
He and Leah had been fighting, and that, in turn, made home life miserable too. Work was a continuing stress on James, he did his best to leave the stress of his job at work, but it came home; his personal life and family ended up paying for his frustration in the end. There was also Karen, her brief entrance back into James' life and her even quicker, painful exit. Those brief moments spent with Karen, as it seemed to James, were the toughest thing he had ever dealt with; his ultimate realization of love and how it affected one's heart and soul. Karen had been his true love, he was sure of that now. She had been the one in his life that all others after were compared. She had left a hole in his heart that was only recognized after she returned to his life. James had been living his life as though it were already scripted for him. He married and had children. He pursued a career and worked his hardest to do the best he could. He gave his all to his family and to his friends, but in that time since he and Karen shared their love under the stars, James had lost sight of himself. James didn't know who he was anymore and was unable to recognize true happiness and love. Karen had allowed him to see that part of himself again; allowed James to see what he really wanted in life. Now all of that was lost. Karen was gone and James was left to ponder his life.
Leah appeared in the doorway of the kitchen with the blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She looked at him quietly as he stood facing her in the dim light of the room. James felt a sad, guilty sorrow for Leah. He had never meant to hurt her. She came into his life at a time when he had begun to question himself again and her love had filled the spaces left empty by James' past. Leah was someone who loved truly and wanted to be truly loved. She sought that in James and found someone who longed for her attention and needed her desires. James wanted to fill his empty heart with Leah, he wanted to make her happy and be the best lover he could for her. It was not a true love James had for her and over the past couple of months they had both started to see it. James saw it as an answer to some of his questions about himself, but Leah refused to see it as what it really was. She wanted them to last; she wanted their relationship to be what she had always longed for in her life. Leah wanted James to be hers forever, but James knew it could never be.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
Her eyes looked red and James could tell that she had been crying again.
"I am fine. My head hurts, but I took some Advil."
She looked at his face; he could see the sadness in her eyes. "You loved her didn't you? She was the one before me, wasn't she?"
James didn't know what to say to her. They had spoken of each others pasts and knew a great deal about each other, but James had never spoken of Karen before to Leah.
The words of a new song came on and broke the silence between them. "Sometimes late at night, I lay awake and watch her sleeping. She's lost in peaceful dreams so I turn out the light and lay there in the dark, and a thought crosses my mind, if I never wake up in the morning…"
The words kept coming from the radio as James looked at Leah; seeing the hurt in her eyes and feeling the hurt in his own heart.
****
It was later that next summer when James proposed to Sheila. He had made up his mind that she was the woman for him. She had been through everything with him and he felt that she deserved to be taken care of; to feel a love from him forever that she gave to him. James still thought about Karen and the love that they had silently shared, but she was no longer in his life. What they had was brief, very powerful but too short to base the rest of his life on. James tried to look her up a couple of times, even asked Renee if she had an e-mail address or phone number for her. The address that Renee provided him didn't work and at that he quit trying. He constantly replayed the words that Tim had told him over in his head. James had a very difficult time believing that Karen would have done that, and maybe it was just Tim's way of helping James move on. He still found himself thinking of what she might be doing with her life and if she had ever done the same thing to another.
James chose to ask Sheila to marry him one summer night under a full moon. He had spoken to her father and mother; both were delighted to have him as their son-in-law. James had told his father he was going to propose and he offered James' mother's diamond ring. James was touched by his father's gesture and they both went to the jeweler's and had the stone reset for Sheila in a ring just for her. This meant more to James than he could put into words. He tried to express his feelings for Sheila while he was down on his knee, but the words felt jumbled and confused. The look in her eyes and the answer he got was enough to let him know that she was really touched by his proposal and the ring that came with it. She had said yes a million times over as she hugged and kissed James that nig
ht. She stared at the ring in the moonlight and it sparkled with a beautiful, radiant light.
They had spent the rest of that evening calling family and friends; informing everyone they knew about their engagement. James was overjoyed to see Sheila so happy; he was moved by her overwhelming response to the whole evening. She immediately started talking about the wedding and making plans. James told her to slow down and take it one day at a time; he still had school to finish before the wedding was going to happen. Unfazed by his attempts to rein her in, Sheila set out to make their wedding the best it could be for the both of them.
Tim and Renee had come in from California to visit at the end of August. James had relayed the news of his engagement to Tim via e-mail and he seemed happy and excited for James and Sheila. They had both agreed on a time when Tim and Renee could come out and stay a couple of days with James and Sheila at their place. Their small apartment was meager and offered little in the way of extravagant amenities but they called it home and it suited them well. Tim and Renee came in on a Wednesday night red-eye flight and planned to stay through Sunday of that week. Sheila was excited to finally meet Renee, a girl she had heard so much about through James and Tim. James was a little apprehensive at first, he worried that the two friends from last summer would happen to mention Karen and leave James with some explaining to do. Both James and Sheila had taken Friday and the weekend off to be with their guests. Sheila planned meals and day trips while James brooded over discussion of the events of last summer.
His mood didn't put a damper on the whole weekend, but by Saturday afternoon Tim had started to notice James' darkened mood. Tim asked James to take him to the local fish and tackle store, he was looking for some new flies for his collection and he just couldn't find any on the west coast.