April tilted her head back in a hearty laugh. Shaking her head, she shrugged. “Well, I refuse to recycle.”
Kai laughed back at her, shaking his own head. “See, April, you and I are really not compatible at all.”
She sighed, relaxing into a hip and shoving her hands back into her pockets. “Yeah, I know.” She grinned crookedly. “You’re just hot enough that I was willing to overlook that fact. Plus, I’ve learned the value of a man who knows how to kiss well, and you…” She trailed off and bit her lip.
Kai smiled, shaking his head as he studied their shoes. He peeked up at her. “We good?”
April sighed, looking over him forlornly. “Yeah, we’re good.” She extended a hand out to him. “It was nice getting to know you, Kai. Thank you for being a decent guy.”
Kai smiled as he shook her hand. “It was my pleasure to get to know you, April. I know that you are going to make some man very, very happy.”
April grinned, then cocked her head. “Just not you.”
Kai laughed, shaking his head. “Not me, not in that way. But I’d like to think that we can still be friends?” He raised an eyebrow at her.
She smiled and wrapped an arm around his waist. “I can always use another friend, Kai.” He smiled down at her, his arm coming up over her shoulder. She grinned at him, then her face turned serious. “I hope you get your girl. You deserve to get the girl.”
Kai forced a smile on his face and nodded. It wasn’t the fact that he couldn’t get her that was bothering Kai. No, if things were different, he and Jessie would be together, and be happy too. Getting her wasn’t the problem. It was that he shouldn’t get her. Dating his cousin was just not something that Kai was willing to do. No matter how much that thought hurt.
Chapter 16
A Clean Break
Kai awoke early the next morning and stared at his ceiling. He felt like he’d been staring at his ceiling all night long. It was the last thing he remembered doing – staring at his ceiling, his mind spinning with thoughts and emotions he shouldn’t be having, that he wished he could turn off. As he awoke in the exact same position that he’d fallen asleep in, Kai wondered if he even had slept. Maybe he’d only briefly closed his eyes. If his room hadn’t been filled with a gray, pre-dawn light, he would have believed that. But the last time he’d stared straight above him, he hadn’t been able to make out the splattered texture on the walls in the pitch-black room. Now his eyes could easily distinguish each knobby glob in the surface.
He’d been debating what to do last night, after the incident with Jessie. Did they just ignore what had happened between them, and continue on with their camaraderie? Could he go to the zoo with her, laughing and joking, and not think about the way she’d moaned in his ear? Would that sound ever leave him?
Sighing, he shifted in his bed. And how could they ever be trusted to be alone again? Not when the memory of that passion, boiling just under the surface, was still there. Kai closed his eyes, remembering slamming her back into the door. She ignited a primal part of him. He’d wanted more than anything at that moment, to rip off every piece of clothing on her and drive deep inside of her. He‘d never wanted anyone so intensely. And sickeningly enough, even just lying in bed thinking about it, he still wanted it; he could even feel his body responding.
Staring back up at the ceiling, he exhaled slowly as he tried to calm himself. He couldn’t think about it. He had to stop seeing her that way. For a second, Kai cursed the fact that they’d grown up so far apart from each other. If he and Jessie had known each other as kids, he would only see her as family. But they hadn’t. She was a virtual stranger to him, family only because someone had named her as such. He felt connected with her, but not in a purely familial way. No, he felt connected to her…as a man to a woman. And he couldn’t. He couldn’t knowingly be with her. It was wrong. It was twisted. It was sick.
And yet…
Sighing again, he sat up and scrubbed his face. No. If he couldn’t stop thinking of her romantically, then really, there was only one way for them to both get out of this. Staring at his cell phone, Kai desperately did not want to have to make the call that he knew without a doubt he had to make.
His eyes watered just looking at the time on the screen. Time…he wanted more of it with her. But, more time would only lead to more chances for them to cave. And they’d already proven to each other, over and over again, that they could, and would, cave to the desire between them. He had to stop it. He had to do the right thing, just like with April.
Picking up the phone, his hand started to shake. In his head he scrolled through a list of alternative solutions. He wasn’t finding any. Closing his eyes, he pleaded with himself to not do this. Opening his eyes, he knew he had no choice.
Flicking the phone open with his thumb, he pressed the sequence for his speed dial - position one. Jessie Harper flashed on the screen, along with a calling icon. His hand still shaking, Kai slowly brought the phone to his ear.
His breath increasing as his nerves spiked, he heard the line pick up and a groggy voice mutter, “Hello?” The voice sounded thick with sleep…or emotion.
“Hey,” Kai said quietly. “Did I wake you?”
Bringing his knees up in bed, he slung his free arm around them. He could hear Jessie wrestle around too as she sighed softly. “No…I couldn’t sleep.”
Kai looked down and nodded. “Me either.”
A few awkward moments of silence passed as Kai worked up the nerve to say what he had to say. At the same time that he heard Jessie start to say, “About yesterday…” he blurted out, “I broke it off with April.” He bit his lip, wondering why he couldn’t just tell her what he’d decided, point blank.
Another moment of silence passed as Jessie absorbed what he’d said. “Oh,” she said quietly. “You didn’t have to…” Her voice thickened up as it trailed off.
Kai sighed. “Yeah, I did.” Running a hand through his hair, he wished his heart would stop hammering so hard. “I couldn’t let her keep thinking that our relationship was going to go anywhere. And I don’t feel for her what I feel…”
He let that die. Saying his feelings for Jessie now, wouldn’t help with what he had to say later. Clearing his throat, he quickly added, “I never should have let it go on for as long as I did. It wasn’t fair to her, to keep stringing her along.”
He picked at a loose strand of fabric in the sheets as he waited for Jessie to respond. When she did, it was with a subdued voice. “Yeah, you’re right. I shouldn’t have asked you to keep seeing her. I just…I wasn’t considering her in all of this, I guess.”
She sighed sadly and Kai had the sudden urge to run his hand back through her hair, cup her cheek, whisper that everything would be okay. But it wasn’t. Not with what he was about to do. In a whisper, he started the process. “Jessie…about us…”
His voice cracked and he found he couldn’t speak. Kai swallowed several times and in the silence of that, Jessie spoke. “I know, Kai. I know it was…wrong. And I know I shouldn’t have said…what I said. I know we can’t do that. I’ll try harder to not…be jealous or possessive of you. It just hurt to see you with April, but I know you’re going to be with someone, and I promise I won’t-”
Kai cut her off, wishing he could just agree with her. “We can’t see each other anymore, Jessie.”
Silence filled the line again. A horrible, aching silence that made Kai’s pounding heart sound like a bass drum, filling the room with an ominous, heavy beat. When she still didn’t respond, he whispered, “Jessie?”
He heard her choke, then sputter. In a tightly controlled, warbling voice, she said, “What do you mean? We can’t be alone anymore…or we can’t…”
Kai felt his eyes get heavy with tears. His own voice tightly controlled and warbling, he managed to somehow say, “We can’t see each other again…ever.”
Jessie gasped, then muttered, “But…no…”
Kai felt his heart break, felt the pain of it slice right through
him. He didn’t think he’d ever be the same person again. Everything he had been before was now different. Everything was different. Jessie was a highlight in his life. Without her in it…Kai almost didn’t see the point. He swallowed, those tears finally dropping to his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Jessie. You don’t know how much this kills me, but, you and I cannot be together. And we’re heading that way. Can’t you feel it?”
He waited for her to acknowledge it. For her to admit to herself that the path that they were on was going to end up with them in such a twisted, ethically and morally wrong relationship, that it pained his stomach. Finally, she whispered, “Yes.”
Kai exhaled, relieved that at least she understood. “We have to stay apart. We have to go back to when you had your life, and I had my life, and they didn’t intertwine.”
She exhaled brokenly. “But, Kai…we’re family. Family doesn’t abandon each other.”
Again, Kai wanted to be able to reach out and stroke her, run a finger down her cheek. “We will still be family, Jessie. We will always be that. And we won’t abandon each other. If you need me, if you really need me…I’m there. But Jessie…we need to let this die, before we can truly be…just cousins.”
Kai heard Jessie start to break down. As she started to cry, he sniffed, his tears falling freely too. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated.
Through her broken sobs, he heard her say, “I’m going to miss you, so much. I don’t know how I’m going to…” Her voice trailed off as waves of crying took her.
Kai clenched a knot of sheets in his hand. He didn’t want to hurt her. He didn’t want to make her cry. He didn’t want to cry. He wanted to tell her that he was wrong - that they couldn’t do this, that they shouldn’t be apart. He wanted to rush over to her and sweep her in his arms. He wanted to kiss away her tears. He wanted to lie her down and make her feel only the warmth and love between them. He wanted to make love to her, over and over again. And that was exactly why he had to do this.
“I’m going to miss you too, Jessie. You’re so important to me. You’re…everything to me.”
Biting his lip, he stopped himself from pouring anymore of his heart out to her. It would only hurt them both if they started confessing their feelings for each other. And while Kai was pretty certain that Jessie cared deeply for him, he was one hundred percent certain now that he was in love with her. Breaking it off with April had helped him to see it. He loved Jessie, in all the ways he shouldn’t.
Her sobs only slightly easing, she timidly asked, “Can we still talk? Can I call you?”
Kai thought of having these heart wrenching phone calls every day; he didn’t think he could. “Jessie…” he pleaded, not wanting to have to say it. A clean break was best. A clean break healed quicker.
Jessie sniffled. “Right…that probably wouldn’t help anything.”
Another long silence filled the line, as both of their hearts silently broke apart. Feeling a rising nausea in his stomach, Kai knew it was time to end the call, end his connection with the only woman he wanted in his life. His voice breaking, he softly said, “I wish you only happiness, Jessie.”
He could not imagine his life without her in it.
“Kai…”
Steeling himself, his fingers already moving to snap shut the phone, he closed his eyes. Picturing her one last time - her smile, her beautiful face framed in dark, curly locks, the sound of her voice when she said his name - Kai imagined that she was the one person on this earth that he would like to experience everything with. He couldn’t think of anyone he’d rather have on this twisted, rollercoaster of a ride called life, than her.
Whispering passionately, he ended their relationship with, “You’re my best friend, Jessie. I love you.” Then he snapped the phone shut.
*******************
It was a little amazing to Jessie how so much could change in her life, while at the same time, nothing changed in her life. She went to her job, rubbing out the kinks in Mr. Tinley’s sore lower back. She went to the movies with Harmony and April, April always sitting as far from Jessie as possible, still peeved about Jessie’s heated comments to her, comments that Jessie seemed to apologize for daily. She checked on her grandmother, who had completely bounced back from her recovery and was as feisty as ever. She even repeatedly shot down Grams attempts to set her up with “nice” boys.
All of that was routine for Jessie. The only thing that wasn’t routine, the only thing that had changed completely for her in the past three weeks, three achingly long weeks, was the fact that her cousin had all but vanished. She hadn’t seen or heard from him since their last painful conversation on the phone.
She knew he was around. Grams told stories about him constantly, inquiring about his level of happiness on a more and more frequent basis. From all Jessie could gather, he didn’t appear to be doing very well. Grams was convinced that it was because of his work, convinced that his boss was an ass that was making Kai’s life miserable. She noted on more than one occasion that she wished he’d head home to work with his parents, where Grams felt he belonged.
Jessie wanted to curl into a ball at the thought. Even though she and Kai didn’t speak, it comforted Jessie to know that they were staring at the same sky and breathing the same chilly air. She couldn’t stomach the thought of him being so far away that time was actually pushed back four hours.
The thought of him leaving made her feel worse than whenever she thought of their last horrid conversation - and that had been awful. Already revved up from a sleepless night and memories of both of them heatedly crossing that line that they shouldn’t ever cross, Jessie had been a wreck when he’d called her. Her heart had easily shattered into a thousand pieces when he’d spoken the words that had changed their relationship forever:
“We can’t see each other again…ever.”
Jessie was quite certain that those were the worst words ever created in the English language. But then he’d followed them with even worse words. Worse, because they were so wonderful:
“You’re so important to me. You’re everything to me. You’re my best friend.”
And then the kicker, the one that always punched a hole through Jessie whenever she thought about it, both because of what it could mean, and the fact that she wasn’t entirely sure what it did mean:
“I love you.”
If he’d said it as a standalone sentence, Jessie would have been positive that he’d meant that he was in love with her – man to a woman. But he’d lumped it together with, “you’re my best friend.” To Jessie, that meant that while attracted to her, he loved her in a friendly way. It warmed and hurt Jessie, because she loved him that way too. He was her best friend too, and she hadn’t gotten a chance to tell him.
Jessie couldn’t imagine not ever seeing those tropical eyes again. Not ever getting to laugh with him over dinner. Not ever getting to take care of him. It had only been three weeks, but it may as well have been three years. He’d wanted to go back to a time when their lives hadn’t intertwined, but the problem was they already had intertwined. Distance didn’t stop Kai from being securely wrapped around her soul. It only made hers ache. And she knew it was wrong to feel that way.
Forcing herself to go through the motions of life, she showered and dressed for her day. Just another Saturday. A Saturday in a long line of Saturdays. Nothing interesting or special about it. No playful smile on a certain boy’s mouth to make the day noteworthy. Just another day.
Glumly, Jessie started walking down the hall into the living room. She tried to not think about the way Kai could perfectly curve his lips into the sexiest smile she’d ever seen. No, she definitely shouldn’t be thinking about his mouth.
“…no, Kai, don’t be ridiculous…”
Jessie paused in the hallway at hearing her cousin’s name. She could just make out April with her feet up on the couch, apparently chatting on her cell phone with him. Jessie had come across them talking before. While she hated that April got to talk to him when she c
ouldn’t, she almost always paused whatever she was doing to listen. Not out of jealousy, Kai and April’s relationship had shifted into an easy friendship, something their phone calls clearly showed. They’d talk about trivial stuff, April’s work, a current movie playing, last night’s episode of ‘The Office’ – all standard “friend” conversations.
No, jealousy wasn’t why Jessie intently eavesdropped. It was because, if she listened hard enough, she could hear Kai’s voice through the phone. She hated feeling so pathetic that she was actually clamoring to hear the tinny sound of him while he talked to someone else, but she couldn’t help it. She missed him.
April seemed to sense that she was there and twisted her head to look at her. Minutely, she frowned at Jessie. Things were still a little awkward between the two girls. Twisting her head back to stare out the slider, Jessie heard her say, “What, Kai? Sorry, Jessie distracted me.”
Jessie’s heart started beating a little harder; Kai knew that she was there now. As she finished walking into the living room, casually turning on the TV and sitting down opposite April, she listened for his voice as hard as she could.