Chapter 4
Ready to rock and roll?
Shortly before sunset, Alaric sJakeJugg Jake awake. The elf said nothing about the previous night. Jake was unsure if anything had actually happened. Maybe he had dozed off and dreamed the whole episode. The whole thing might have been a complete fantasy about what he would like to do rather than what he could do.
He headed for the toilet and inspected his ears. The peculiar,oversized ears still jutted out. That was an unfortunate fact. However, nothing could be done until he could somehow get an ENT operation .his own ears back. Presumably that would be in a joint operation with the actual owner of the ears, and elf who still had to be found. He hoped it would be painless…
Jake returned to the table. The dwarves were all seated with Alaric .
He passed FIDO, busy cooking in a tiny galley. FIDO now had two arms and two hands. The robot suddenly held out one metal hand and offered Jake a wristwatch! Jake assumed that the watch was some kind of gift offering.
It was presumably a way of thanking him… for what?
Jake could think of nothing.
He slipped the watch onto his wrist. The watch showed the time to be 6.45pm and the sky was darkening. The rail yard became deeply shadowed as the sun set. In the carriage, the lights and heating came on, generating a cosy, convivial atmosphere. “Breakfast” was a substantial meal of orange juice, followed by toasted Waybread, baked beans and tinned sausages all cooked by FIDO on his nuclear stove. Presumably, this feast came from “travel rations” held in miniaturized form or possibly from the “food bay” which was presumably now.somewhere aboard the train. The Waybread was spread with a selection of Dwarvish jams and marmalades which had been contributed by Stumpy. The meal was washed down by excellent fresh, hot coffee. Once they finished, FIDO cleared the table.
Jake now regarded the robot with different eyes.
FIDO had always been an excellent train spotting companion.. However, he FIDO had proven to be a remarkable robo warrior, capable of fighting a fortified castle and putting it out of action. Jake now constantly thanked the robot, thanking him for the table service, for clearing away dishes, for washing up.. In fact, he had said “Thank you FIDO!” so often that the three dwarves eventually parodied him. Little Sam pretended to approach the table with a robotic walk. He served an imaginary drink to Stumpy and Grumpy The two dwarves immediately chorused: “Thank you FIDO!” in assumed, falsetto voices.
Once the companions finished the meal, CLEO made an announcment.
“There has been a slight miscalculation,” said the computer. “The next Gateway was believed to be near Granite station.. However, new data shows that particular Multiverse Station has been closed, as part of an economy drive carried out in 250 B.C. local time.. The only remaining Multiverse Station I can locate is at Maindample. It is in the opposite direction on the Mansfied line.I suggest you water the engine and get moving!”
Alaric stood up, followed by Jake. The three dwarves followed Alaric and Jake out of a side door, jumping down onto overgrown gravel alongside the track. Jake’s previous viewing of the engine had been affected by the army cars on fire, so that he now saw “his” engine for the first time. The engine was decorated with a headboard announcing that it was the Multiverse Express. Below that was the picture of CLEO, formerly in his bedroom but now showing the computers idea of herself as a punk. Jake walked around the engine and saw yet another picture on the tender. ItThis seemed to be a picture of himself wielding a sword.
Jake stood staring at the tender as Stumpy and Grumpy climbed up onto the tender and fitted a hose into position. Their next task was to turn the water on—an operation which required the combined effort of all three dwarves. The flow was controlled by a hydrant wheel. The dwarves strained to turn the wheel. They refused to accept any assistance from Jake or Alaric, as a matter of dwarvish pride.
Jake was totally preoccupied. He now sat on the drivers seat brooding. He still had major concerns about his lack of knowledge about himself. In terms of identity, he still knew only the ridiculous claim that he was an elvish prince. Surely this “Prince Jake” caper must be a case of mistaken identity? But.. in his current situation…should he pretend to be Prince Jake? He might get away with it for a while….It was difficult to know how to get out of the mess he was sliding into. He was getting deeper and deeper into trouble. He might be executed by the elves for pretending to be the lost prince! Or he might get caught by the UFO soldiers and executed as an elvish killer!
He might get trapped by the trainee wizard and turned into a slave!
He seemed to have no option apart from simply carrying on.
Alaric sat serenely on the fireman’s seat, apparently filled with joy and certainly emanating light. He seemed to be convinced that he had found the right person. He seemed to be certain that everything would be solved once they reached a working Multiverse Railway Station everything would be OK. But finding a working Multiverse Station also appeared to be a very long shot! So far none of the stations had opened. The only thing Jake had seen was half a sign melting into a blob and another sign which had almost immediately vanished. Plus one fake sign!
On a command from CLEO, FIDO climbed down from the carriage and moved silently to the rear of the train, ready to change the points once the train had reversed back onto the main line.
With steam up it was now 6.15PM.
Jake said: “Are we ready to go?”
“Yes, Your Royal Highness!” said Alaric.
CLEO suddenly spoke through the loudspeaker in the cab.” Warning! The Definitely Enchanted Area continues to expand. The trainee wizard may have gained highly classified information about our Journey. He intends to intercept this train and seize its passengers to promote his maniacal plans!”
“Why does the trainee wizard want us?” asked Jake.
Alaric: “Possibly because he is aware that when we reach Central Power, I will report his activities to the relevant authorities who reside on a special facility called MARS. This is an acronymn for Magical Acolyte Recovery Sanitarium. Once he is forced to have treatment, all his earth gear will be forfeit.His power base will be immediately destroyed! His domain will vanish. His castle will disappear like a puff of smoke. Enchanted servants and vassals will be freed. The trolls will resume their previous forms as ticket inspectors on the railway!“
It was obvious that the trainee wizard would be strongly motivated! An air of foreboding seemed to permeate the carriage as they all Stared at the map. The line marking the edge of the DEA kept advancing. The pink area was gradually encroaching, creeping ever closer to the barred line indicating the railway they were travelling on.
He turned on the I/I device and the train abruptly vanished, leaving only a black shadow etched out by moonbeams on the ground.. They were ready to move. Again, in the uncanny silence created by the I/I device,Jake turned the reversing handle, released the brake and opened the steam injectors. FIDO hopped back aboard onto what appeared to be a shadow passed over the points he had recently switched. FIDO seemed to see the invisible train quite clearly through his peculiar eyes. They did not appear to be affected by the I/I device. And once again, they were on the move! The train rolled onto the main line now going north west.
They rolled past the old station. Level crossing gates on Kerrisdale main street automatically closed as the train approached. A number of cars and trucks stopped. Apparently nothing happened, for no human eyes could see the strange opaque shadow as it sped silently over the crossing. Cars were hooting as annoyed drivers reacted to an apparent failure of the gate mechanism.The drivers were cursing VicRail and several used mobile phones to complain.
After the invisible train passed, the gates auJakeatically reopened, leaving the impression that the system was faulty. As the line was normally disused this seemed to be an entirely reasonable conclusion.
Soon the train reached open country. About a mile out of town Alaric turned off the I/I device and the thunderous sounds of the engin
e returned with full force. The wind was blowing strongly, with high scudding clouds frequently obscuring a full moon. In the carriage the dwarves had dried off. Baccy pipes had been lit and after a consultation Stumpy and Grumpy said: “After Due Consideration they would again allow young Little Sam to join a Game of Stuff It. They were obliged to remind him that he could not be lucky forever! His streak was in the past and the sun would shine on the affairs of his elders and betters!”
The dwarves then beganStarted another loud and riotous game. Burning baccy filled the carriage with a haze of blue smoke. No one noticed that CLEO was constantlyagain upgrading the map. The area indicating the DEA was constantly advancing. The perimeter had now passed over the barred line which denoted the railway track. A glowing dot showed the current position. It was The dot was steadily approaching a point of contact inside the Definitely Enchanted Area.
Oblivious to the threat, Jake was again enjoying himself. He Despite the cold draft, he was quite warm. In fact, the entire cab was comfortably heated by the remarkable thermal output of the nuclear device. Jake was again enjoying the sensation of controlling a large, powerful, real steam engine. He adjusted the regulator delicately and professionally from time to time, peering down the line. It ran almost dead straight ahead, showing in the moonlight as a pair of dull rusted lines bisecting a virtual forest of small weeds, grasses and saplings. He could only see the tracks for a short distance ahead. Reality was quite different from the computer training program. In the computer version, tracks were shown as two shining steel lines which had been visible for miles ahead.
There had been signals and trackside signs. But now there were no signals except for broken metal structures rusting away. or signs. This was a pity, since he could have used his knowledge of signal codes to good effect. The few signals they did pass were all bare steel uprights with peeling paint and large areas of rust. They had been left to perish with the rest of the abandoned railway. If there were any remaining signs by the track they were totally invisible, covered by thick undergrowth.
Occasionally, they ran alongside a main road and cars passed. On each occasion, Alaric seemed to know in advance when a car or truck would appear. He activated the I/I device ahead of the actual contact. Once the vehicle had passed, Alaric would turn off the device, much to the relief of the dwarves in the coach. When the I/I device was on, all sound stopped both outside and inside the train. The invisibility device left the exterior of the train totally invisible to an external viewer.
The train moved on, past a ghostly row of old grain silos, now disused and appearing as bleached shadows in the moonlight, They passed an ancient quarry, abandoned and derelict In the stokers seat, Alaric maintained a sharp lookout down the line, frequently glancing across the landscape for any road in case a car or truck might suddenly appear. Jake began to feel more confident. His train was running well. He had a full head of steam, a full tank of water and an apparently inexhaustible supply of heat from the tube in the fire grate.
His new wristwatch suddenly rang like a phone!
CLEO’s voice said: “The device on your wrist is a personal communications unit with a number of additional functions! You are now approaching a point of contact with the DEA. Anything that you see or hear may be an illusion.”
Trust CLEO to come up with some new gibberish!
The engine continued to move forward.
Jake turned up the regulator. The engine immediately responded. The staccato beat of the exhaust sharpened and speed began to increase. The sound of wheels running over lengths of rail was almost hypnotic. They came to another deserted station. For a change this one still had a battered sign announcing itself as Granite. Jake decided to stop the train and repair to the carriage for a strengthening cup of herbal tea. He wound down the regulator, applied the brake and brought the train to a screeching halt. The place where they halted appeared to have been abandoned many years ago. The platform itself was cracked. The roots of a nearby tree protruded through the bitumen. The track, which stretched ahead towards Yea was overgrown with tall weeds waving in the breeze. The engine stood blowing steam from its safety valve.
“I thought we might go back to the carriage and have a cuppa?” said Jake, responding to Alaric. The two stepped off the loco and walked down the weedy platform to the carriage. They opened the door to a barrage of shrieks and a thick blue haze of baccy smoke. The dwarves had just completed another round of their apparently endless card game.
They were now getting set for: “The Championship Round.” This basically meant that Little Sam would bet all his winnings—which again included everything the two older dwarves had previously owned - against the two older dwarves hats!
Such a bet represented a truly monumental wager. A dwarvish conical hat represents its owners personal life story. The cunningly woven threads give full details of his bank account, his income tax returns, his birth certificate, his blood type and which sporting teams he barracked for. As Jake and Alaric came into the carriage, along with a blast of cold air, the dwarves stopped the game and sat looking enquiringly at them. “What’s up then?” asked Stumpy. “Come in for a warm?”
Grumpy said casually: “Wanna join the game?” This last question was undoubtedly motivated by guile— the chance to fleece two innocent newcomers before they got as good as Little Sam (who, despite his youth had proven to be an expert player, well deserving of the title card sharp.Alaric answered: “We have no time for cards—we have just popped in for a quick cuppa before continuing the journey.”
FIDO appeared with five cups of Travellers Elvish Brew -- the tea that makes your hair stand on end. The card game stopped as the dwarves eagerly took the cups of that fabulous refreshing brew. They all drank appreciatively and Jake felt a surge of new inner warmth and vigor. Jake was now full of good cheer. The comm device on his wrist felt heavy and he decided to remove it. He put it on the table and then pulled down his pack to retrieve his new ABC’s.
Suddenly, there was a sharp rat a tat on the carriage door.
Immediately, the door opened and the tall figure of a railway inspector climbed into the coach. The Inspector smiled pleasantly, showing rows of even white teeth. He wore an old fashioned railway uniform. A black peaked cap crowned with a silver badge, announced the wearer as the Victorian Railways Inspector General.
The Inspector General carried a battered leather satchel strapped around his chest. He also wore a white beard which ended in a point just above his neatly knotted tie. He seemed vaguely familiar. Jake caught the smell of Old Splash aftershave along with a strange musty aroma that seemed to suggest marsh and fog. The inspector stood over the table seating the party. He produced a glowing jewel on the end of a chain and began to spin it in a slow circle as he spoke. “Tickets please, I must see your tickets!”
“We haven’t got tickets!” said Jake. “This is a private train.”
“NoYou cannot travel without tickets!” said the inspector in a droning voice.
He continued to spin the jewel slowly. It glowed and spun with a peculiar hypnotic aura. Jake suddenly felt drowsy. The jewel seemed to be getting larger. It filled the whole coach with a light which drew him…drew him in…. a land where there were no worries and nothing mattered, nothing at all….
Next to him Alaric was also staring in a glassy, wide eyed way at the jewel and his head drooped as he sank down to the table. Shortly, Jake’s eyes closed and he fell into a deep trance. Stumpy and Grumpy were already well entranced and snoring. Little Sam was gazing at the jewel, with his eyes wide open. Shortly he also toppled over. Abruptly, the “inspector” put the jewel back into his pocket and opened a nearby carriage door.
A pack of trolls stood around a small cart.
“Get in!” hissed the “Inspector.
“Load these mongrels onto the cart and take them to the castle!”
He indicated Jake and Alaric. The pack of hideous trolls streamed aboard the train. They all reeked of dreadful Troll Body Odour (TBO
+) supplemented by Troll Underarm Stink (TUS ++). In seconds the entire carriage reeked. But while smelly, the trolls were also efficient. The recumbentJackt forms of Jake and Alaric were quickly carried through the open carriage door and loaded onto a handcart. The dwarves were left apparently asleep in the carriage.
Jake and Alaric slumped in the handcart like two limp marionettes.
“Go, go, go!” shouted the Inspector, ripping off his uniform and hat. This action revealed his undergarments - a kind of combo vest and underpants known as Long Johns, an item no longer in general use nowadays. The “Inspector” disguise had not allowed the trainee wizard to wear his Wizards shirt and his magical cloak. In addition, he was not carrying his magic enabling staff (or M E S.)
Under menacing scowls from the trainee wizard, who looked as if he had just got out of bed and was not in a good mood, the trolls fled. They pushed the unconscious bodies of Jake and Alaric on a rough cart mounted on a pair of old bike wheels. They rattled off down thea pitted pathway.
The trolls faced a long trek while their recumJackt cargo faced a very bleak future.
The trainee wizard was about to leave the carriage when he suddenly spotted FIDO. The robot was calmly washing dishes in his tiny galley. “YOU!” screeched the trainee wizard. “You castle wrecking rotten mechanical creep! You beastly armored tramp! You fiendish nig nog! I will use a giant tin opener on your armor! I will hang you from the gibbets! I will roast you in boiling oil! I will reduce you to molecules—nay! Less than molecules! AJacks! Even less than that! You will become a vacuum!” FIDO simply ignored this tirade and continued calmly washing up the dishes. He proceeded slowly and methodically, removing every last crumb and smear, ensuring that the dishes would be perfect for the next programmed meal.
The trainee wizard took this badly.
He was not used to being ignored.
In his domain, his slightest whisper brought instant action.
His anger was now becoming incandescent!
CLEO was listening and watching events via Jake’s comm unit, which was standing on the table. CLEO used digital reasoning to deduce: a) Jake and Alaric had fallen asleep and had been removed by force b) The dwarves had also fallen asleep c) It was not yet bed time d) Robot FIDO was being threatened
Of course, the robot was well able to defend himself. He was equipped with a wide range of weapons. But the use of such arms inside the carriage was not advisable. There was the threat of collateral damage and possibly fatal results to CLEO!
The computer instantly issued a radio command audible only to FIDO.
“FIDO! Assume military mode. Exit via the nearest door. Move to the far edge of the platform and light up at full power! Assume insulting posture No 12 (a). When the person facing you tries to apprehend you, run away. Allow the person to make chase! Use more insulting postures as required in order to ensure that he continues to chase. Once he is almost exhausted find a suitable site and cause him to fall into the river! Return for instructions. GO!”
The robots eyes gleamed red. Like a streak of metal lightening he shot across the carriage, brushed past the shocked trainee wizard and vanished through the still open carriage door. The trainee wizard let out a bellow of rage and climbed down after him. FIDO was standing at the far edge of the platform. He suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree and stuck out a metal tongue! He made that uncommonly rude sound known as a metal raspberry. The trainee wizard was now beside himself with fury.
He advanced towards the robot. FIDO waited until the trainee wizard was almost on him then turned and loped slowly down the railway track. The trainee wizard followed, attempting to recall spell 352, an incantation which would, in theory, disable any robot. FIDO was moving quite slowly. The trainee wizard was rapidly gaining when the robot suddenly vanished into thick bush. Recklessly, the trainee wizard ran after him, relying totally on a string of incantations.
His spells had no effect at all on the robot. FIDO simply ran, waited until the trainee wizard puffed into view and then did a rude V gesture, waving two fingers of his hand (insulting gestue 13.) Robot and pursuer ran on until they were both deep in the bush. Suddenly the robot vanished!. Crashing noises continued ahead. The trainee wizard ran on blindly.
Shortly the trainee wizard came to a deep river, with a metal bridge stretching over it. The sounds of the robot running appeared to come from the other side of the bridge. Without hesitation, the trainee wizard ran onto the bridge. As he reached the centre section, the “bridge” suddenly telescoped into itself! It revealed the form of FIDO clinging to a bush on the far bank. The trainee wizard attempted to hang on but the shiny metal offered no purchase. The trainee He wizard fell headlong into the river!He was carried downstream by the fast current. FIDO then ran back to the train. He was still in Military Mode, a status revealed by his glowing red eyes and astonishing speed. FIDO reentered the carriage and said: “Mission complete. New instructions?”
CLEO was attempting to decide on a course of action based on digital reasoning. (1) Alaric and Jake had gone off with the trolls. Neither had given any instructions.
Conclusion. They should be retrieved and put to bed.
(2) Going up the line was causing substantial problems with the traineed trainee wizard. Conclusion: they should go back to Kerrisdale and regroup, The train could then resume its journey to a Multiverse Express station..
“Advance down the track on the far side of the railway. Locate a handcart!” said CLEO. “Disable the trolls propelling the cart. Pick up Jake and Alaric and return them to their bunks. Cover each sleeper with a blanket. Then assume normal operating mode before taking control of the locomotive and proceeding back to Kerrisdale.! On arrival at the station, stop the train and await orders! Proceed now!”
Again, on full emergency power, the robot shot out through the carriage door and set off down the pathway. The trolls had managed about a half mile and were trudging along slowly when the frightening golden metallic figure of the robot appeared. FIDO’s eyes were glowing in full military killing mode. The trolls turned to face the robot. “Resistance is futile!” said FIDO in a deep, booming voice. “Leave now or be destroyed…destroyed in five seconds.four seconds..three seconds….”
Before the robot could say two seconds, the trolls were fleeing down the track in a wild panic. FIDO picked up the unconscious forms of Jake and Alaric, tenderly tucking one under each arm. He ran back up the track at maximum speed, re-entered the carriage and put the two bodies onto seats which served as beds. He covered each form with a blanket and tucked them in carefully. Finally, he put the three dormant dwarves to bed, each with a blanket.
FIDO then switched down from military mode. His eyes resumed their normal yellow glow. The robot leftexited the carriage, climbed up into the stationary engine, retracted the brake lever and opened the steam regulator. The engine snorted and puffed steam vigorously, generating an impressive wheel spin. FIDO eased back the regulator and applied a blast of sand to the contact area between wheels and rails. As he reapplied steam the driving wheels bit and the engine began to move, hissing gouts of white steam.
The engine accelerated as the robot opened the regulator.Soon the train was once again heading toward Kerrisdale, wheels thrumming and steam hissing from the cylinders.