“Tell me about your mom.”
“She’s in prison. She’s never coming out.”
That took me off my game for a second. I had no idea what I can of worms I was opening, but a million horses couldn’t have stopped me from cracking that lid. “Why? What happened?”
“She killed my baby brother. I’m cold. Can I go inside now?”
My head nodded, but no words came from my mouth. There was no rebounding that one. I was shocked beyond belief, never expecting that. A lot of things crossed my mind. She was the product of rape, she herself was raped, her mom committed suicide, she killed someone in self-defense. Not that.
I watched her walk away, to Quinn sleeping on the banister. She scooped her up and called for her puppies. “Goodnight, Ollie. I’m sorry I hurt your eye.”
As much as I tried to smile, I couldn’t do it. My heart ached for her, empathy like I had never felt before, raw like an opened wound. It knocked the breath right out of me, and I didn’t know how to react to it. It fucking crushed me. “It’s fine. Goodnight.”
I cleaned up and went to the table with my laptop, knowing before I looked, she was locked in the bathroom. A deep breath filled my lungs and an empty feeling burned in my chest. I flipped opened my notebook and took a few notes from the day, and went to the camera in her room. Nothing. A vacant room. At least she had company. That held a little comfort. My eyes scanned through my notes, looking for anything I had missed, a hidden clue.
Remembering the night I called her, seeing her crying and chanting, something about someone bleeding, I read through my notes. Was that her brother? Did she watch it? I figured Jaq’s age with the number six she’d thrown out and did a search on that year, looking through newspapers and county records. My search ended when something came over me, something very un-science like. The search was stopped because I didn’t want to know, not like that. Experiencing it with her overpowered my need to judge. She trusted me, and I was going to give her the same respect.
That mattered because I knew firsthand what that felt like. Newspapers and reporters lied. Police officers and the FBI told them. I closed my laptop and let go of the ores, animatedly raising two fist into the air, letting it go, and handing it over to the universe. My thoughts went in another direction and my feet followed.
First I poured her a glass of wine and grabbed a beer for myself, and then I went to her, tapping two fingers on the door.
“What? I’m taking a bath.”
“No you’re not. You already did that before we ate pizza.”
“I’m taking another one.”
“I have a glass of wine for you. Please come out. We should let the puppies out to pee anyway.”
The latch clicked and Jaq opened the door, Quinn in her arms, and Cleo and Leo running out the door. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay.”
“Okay, do you want to sit outside? The moon is beautiful and there’s a billion stars.”
Jaq stuck her head out, peering out to the glass doors to the dark lake. “It’s dark.”
The words came out before I could stop them, falling out all on their own. “I’ll hold your hand.”
“Okay,” she agreed sidestepping me.
We sat on the porch swing, and I did what I had offered. Like a nervous teenager, I ran my sweaty palms over my jeans and slowly moved my and to hers.
Her small fist fell into my hand and my fingers blanketed it, my stomach doing that fluttering thing again that I didn’t understand. Part of me heard Silas, and his judgment of her, of me, of my intentions. They made me not feel very good about myself, but something deeper than that didn’t care. This was a feeling, not a choice. Something I could never get Silas to understand. Something I didn’t understand. Something that consumed me to my very core.
Quinn took off for the night, and the puppies played in the yard before tiring below our feet again. I started the conversation, wanting her to trust me, assuring her in a roundabout way that she could talk when she was ready. “You remember when I told you my dad died.”
“Yes, an explosion.”
“Yes, only I never did believe it was an explosion. I think it exploded, why is still debatable. Anyway, that’s not what I was going to tell you.”
“What?”
“You know that cop that came here today?”
“Yeah, I don’t want him to come back here.”
“Me either. He held me back. He kept my arms locked, keeping me from my dad. Silas and I stood right there while it happened, while they all stood around and listened to his screams, none of them tried to help him, not one.”
“Ollie, I don’t like those stories. I like the funny ones you tell me. You scare me when you’re not happy. I don’t like it, but I’m sorry. You know, about your dad.”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry and I am happy. Seeing you happy makes me happy.”
“I don’t understand that. Nobody’s ever fought for me like this before. I don’t know how to take it.”
“Don’t think about it. That’s what I’m doing because I don’t know the how to take it either. I’m just enjoying the time with you, seeing you smile, and breathe.”
“I like it here, and I do breathe better here. I didn’t take an anxiety pill all day, and it was sort of crazy, not even when you left me alone.”
“Good girl.”
Jaq gasped and straightened her posture. “Did you see that? I’ve never seen a shooting star before.”
“Wait until August. Watching the meteor showers are magical here. Silas and I used to stay up all night, counting into the hundreds. Did you make a wish?”
“It can’t come true.”
“Sure it can. Tell me. What’d you wish for?”
“Nothing, because it can’t come true. I don’t believe in that stuff. Do you?”
“Of course, I study quantum physics and I was raised by a philosophy professor, but I forgot about it for a long time. I lost my way because of overwhelming circumstances, I did what I promised my dad I would never do. I followed the heard.”
“What do you mean?”
“When my dad was alive, he made me feel like I could conquer the world, that there was nothing that I couldn’t do. He limited how much dumb time we were aloud, and encouraged us to spend our time reading and venturing out doors. Silas and I had to move in with our Uncle Martin, but we mostly stayed at boarding school. Uncle Martin was too busy for us. I dealt with my new life, trying to be half a smart as my dad, and Silas realized he only needed girls. I think he still thinks that s, sometimes,” I said through a snort.
“You don’t think you can conquer the world now?”
“I don’t want to. That’s the thing. The realization. I’ve been doing what everyone else does every day for so long that I forgot about the simple things.”
“Like me.”
“You’re far from simple.”
“I know; that’s why I’m confused about why you want me. Do you think this is a relationship?”
“It is; I just don’t know what kind. Let’s not do that. Why do we need to label it? Let’s just roll with it. Live right now.”
“Okay, tell me about the meteor showers.”
I sat on the swing with Jaq, telling her stories about Silas and me growing up there, our summer adventures, and of course, the magical meteor showers. She asked questions about my life, but I didn’t counter back with any of the inquiries I wanted to know. All in due time, but this wasn’t the night.
Jaq yawned just before eleven, way later than I thought she’d stay with me. She stood from the swing and both puppies stood with her. “Well, goodnight.”
“Goodnight Jaq,” I said sadly, unsure why. She was about to lock herself in the bathroom for the night. That’s why. I yawned, too, walking in behind her, and watching her disappear with her new friends. Two of them, talking to them like they were humans, understanding every word she said. I locked up, turned off the lots, and checked on her one more time.
Sure she’d already l
ocked herself away for the night, I smiled at my laptop and her puppy chatter. “Cleo, you stop that. You have to share with your brother. He had it first,” she said through a laugh. A real laugh. Jaq tugged on her flip-flop and little Cleo growled. Another sadness fell upon me when it I saw it in her own eyes. Shoving the accent chair in front of the French doors, she called for her Cleo and Leo to follow her into the bathroom, but they didn’t listen. They were too busy playing tug of war with her shoe.
“Come on, you two. I’m brushing my teeth and then you better be ready for bed.”
Jaq left the room, and I left the kitchen. I had no clue what the hell I was doing, what I was thinking, or how she would react, but I was going to try. I opened her bedroom door, instantly being attacked by Cleo and Leo.
Jaq peeked her head out, a frown on her face, and her toothbrush between her teeth. “What’s wrong?”
“Where’re these guys going to sleep?”
“I made them a bed in the bathroom,” she said around the paste in her mouth, ducking back in to spit.
I followed, looking at the makeshift bed, scooping Cleo up from biting my heels. I carried him to the corner and set him down on the old army blanket. He did three spins and plopped to his belly, a deep doggy breath and his sister followed.
Jaq rinsed her mouth and then turned to me. “Ollie, what are you doing?”
An unnoticeable breath filled my lungs and I closed the gap between us in two steps. “I want to try something different tonight. Will you let me?”
“Tonight? Try what? What do you mean?”
“Are you done in here?”
“Why? And no, I have to pee.”
“Go to the bathroom and say goodnight to your puppies.”
“Why?”
“Just do it.” I growled with a smile and teasing tone.
I nervously waited in her room, my heart beating in loud thumps through both my ears, filling my head with a steady, thump, thump, thump. What if she freaked out on me? Maybe this was too soon.
“Okay, now what?”
My internal dialog stopped when I turned to see her thin silhouette in the doorway, the bright light behind her. Had I not known who or what she was, I would have thought she was stunning. Wait, I still thought that. Her small breasts were outlined by the light behind her; her hips, always hidden behind baggy sweats, actually did have curves. The thin cotton pants portrayed them very well.
“You’re so pretty.”
Jaq’s eyes immediately dropped with her head.
“Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that out loud, but you are. I wish you would see that.”
“I don’t want to see that. Being pretty is what got my mom caught. I don’t want be like her.”
“Caught?”
“Yes, like a trap. Never mind. What do you want? I’m ready for bed,” she said, her feet carrying her to the bed where she turned down the covers like she planned on using it.
I slowly walked toward her, praying for the courage we both needed. “Remember how you fell asleep this morning?”
She knew. She knew exactly what I wanted as soon as I touched her fingers. “I can’t do that, Ollie.”
“Will you try?”
Her words came out shaky and her tone pleading, insecurities enveloping her every being. “Ollie.”
I moved in and wrapped my arms around her from behind, feeling her body tremble. She didn’t freak out or pull away, that’s what mattered. “I’m not going to touch you. I’m just going to lay with you. That’s it. I promise.”
“Ollie.”
“Lay down, Jaq,” I ordered, fighting the urge to move her with the thrust of my hips.
Jaq crawled into bed without another word, stopping me from turning out the bathroom light. “I like it on.”
I turned it off anyway, catching a glimpse of Cleo and Leo, sound asleep in the corner. “You don’t need it on. You’ll sleep better without it. They sure are wrinkly.”
Jaq tensed, her body transforming into rigid and stiff when I slid into bed, omitting the normal habit to slide out of my basketball shorts and tee-shirt. I moved her close to me with one pull, placing her right in my arms with my lips on her forehead. “Relax. We’re just going to lay here and talk until we fall asleep. That’s it.”
“Talk about what?”
“Skittles.” I teased. Sort of. She did need to count Skittles. Her body was straighter than a board.
“You are my Skittles. I don’t need to do that with you.”
That made me feel like I had when I was a kid. When my dad taught me how to conquer the world. It had nothing to do with degrees, jobs, or fancy condos. Condos and street noise I never did get used to. It was this. This was what he meant, and Jaq made it so easy to do. Living for right now, for this exact moment, these feelings. That’s what he meant. Nothing else mattered and things would never be the same again. I was one-hundred-percent sure of that. This was my purpose. This right here.
“Funny you should mention that. I’m going to change your medications.”
Her body relaxed a little, falling into mine just a bit more. “Your dad’s? The one from when the FBI got involved?”
“Something like that. It won’t be right away. I have to do some work first.”
Again, she fell into me a little more, the tension releasing from her frightened body. “Like lab stuff?”
“Yes, I just have to come up with the lab. That’s what I wanted the garage for, but now I’m half afraid to. I don’t want that idiot sheriff snooping around here.”
“Is it illegal to have a lab in your garage?”
“No, but he’s already got a hard on for me. I mean, he’s already got a problem,” I said, my mind chastising my big mouth. It wasn’t the lab I was worried about. The drug that I needed was the problem. The exact same one that killed my dad. Never in a million years did I think I’d be following in his footprints. Never.
Jaq giggled in my chest and I felt the lingering tension release from her body. “I’m not three. You can say hard on.”
Jesus. I could say it. Not her. This was totally not about that. It was never about sex, but it kept happening. Like this. I feigned a cough in order to shift my hips away from her, but that only landed my hand on her lower back, making it even worse.
I hadn’t had sex in almost four years. Not since I quit my pharmacist job and Silas talked me into doing a business deal with him. I tried to be like him, indulging in parties, having sex with random chicks, and spending money on things I really didn’t care about. That lasted about as long as the pharmacy career. I couldn’t even remember the last time I jerked off, never really had the desire. Until now…
Instead of carrying on that conversation, I switched gears, mostly for my own benefit. I had things going on that not one of those random chicks had pulled from me, not like this. “You never told me what you wished for. Tell me what you dreamed of as a little girl. Like what did you want to be when you grew up?”
“You’ll think it’s silly and absurd.”
“I’m not going to think it’s silly or absurd. I wanted to be a Superman, so I promise not to judge.”
One day I would learn not to be shocked by her words. One day. Not this one. I thought she wanted to be Snow White or Cinderella.
“A mommy. I used to dream about having my own little girl, only I was different than my mom. I would love her and take care of her; I wouldn’t lie to her and scare her. I would play with her and make her happy and make sure she never cried. I wouldn’t ever let her cry.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. It wasn’t like I could tell her she could still do that, and I sure the hell wasn’t going to burst her dream by telling her it was indeed silly.
“You think it’s ridiculous too, huh?”
“Of course not, but you sort of are a mommy. Do you have any idea how much work two puppies are?”
“And kittens. Don’t forget about those.”
“Yes and those,” I agreed, relief and dread
felt at the same time. If taking care of these animals was what made her happy, she could have all she wanted without me batting an eye. No protests from me.
Jaq talked about nothing and everything. The flower garden outside, the bed we needed to make for Quinn the cat, the lake we were going to show the puppies, and the birds nest over the outside light where the little blue eggs were ready to hatch.
As hard as it was, I refrained from moving my hand, or brushing my thumb over the patch of skin I felt on her back. No matter how much I tried to focus, the urges wouldn’t stop. They were so strong; uncontrollably strong.
I laid there with her in my arms long after she dozed off, trying like hell not to think about it. Concentrated thoughts moved in and out of my mind, everything that had happened throughout the day, the dogs, the cat, the sheriff, the goose egg below my eye, anything and everything to stop the thoughts sending blood to the intense growth behind my shorts. I couldn’t talk it down to save my ass.
Jaq did absolutely nothing to help. After I tried to move my sleeping arm from below her body, hoping to create a little space between us, she rolled over. That was way worse. Her face turned away from me, but her ass shoved against me. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any harder, it did.
I didn’t move, not at first. My hips stayed very still, my teeth sank into the side of my jaw, and my dick flinched. That’s when I slowly slid from the bed, leaving her purring like a kitten in a deep sleep.
Flipping on the television, I turned it to the Animal Planet channel and released my erection to my hand, stroking it in long slow movements. My eyes closed and I pictured touching her, tasting her, and fucking her. Letting my mind take me to forbidden places, I stroked myself, almost feeling her. Tight and wet. My mind led my fingers to her slit and they glided, spreading her wetness around her puckering nub. Her mouth was next. Right there in front of me on the couch. First, I coated her lips with pre-come, and then I placed my hand on the back of her head, shoving down while my head slid between her lips and to the back of her throat. The fantasy lived long enough for me watch her straddle my lap and sit on my cock. That’s when I jerked, stroking come to the palm of my hand, three squirts and a load of built up tension releasing from my shuddering body.