That’s what she did to me, and that’s what I didn’t understand: the unison I felt around her. I never felt like she had a debilitating illness, or maybe I didn’t want to see that. Regardless, she did things.
Things that left me breathless.
Things that I didn’t understand.
As a scientist, that in itself was debilitating. It’s what I did. I analyzed things until I figured them out, but not this.
Not Jaq.
Chapter Fourteen
I swear our eyes opened at the exact same time. Jaq was on her side, I was on mine, and we faced each other. Cleo and Leo may have been the reason for our instant arousal, noisy puppy-romping from the floor.
Jaq’s hands were below her cheek, her smile the highlight of my day. “I slept.”
“You did sleep. That makes me happy. How do you feel?”
Jaq’s eyes moved from mine to the ceiling and back. “Hungry.”
I could have stayed in bed staring at her pretty face all day. “Come on. I’ll start coffee and you can take the puppies out.”
“By myself?”
“Yes. You did it last night.”
“But you were right inside the door.”
I stood, instantly being attacked by puppies, catching the two puddles of puppy pee on the hardwood floor. Not sure what I was trying to say, or what I even meant, I spewed some sort of hidden metaphor that she seemed to decipher. Geesh, I was turning into my dad. “I’ll always be right inside the door, and you have a couple puddles to clean up.
Jaq smiled the brightest smile ever, sitting up and looking to the floor. “What did you do, huh? You want outside, don’t you? Yes, you do. Good morning to you, too.”
I watched her drop to her knees and love them, letting them kiss her face and crawl all over her. She looked up to me, laughing at one falling over the other, flat on his back, and then it was gone. Her eyes drifted to my shorts, to my morning wood, the smile gone in an instant. Of course, my face turned five shades of red, but I didn’t dare comment on it. What the hell would I even say? Nothing. Not to her.
Jaq scurried off one way, and I darted out the door, listening to her puppy talk as I left, wondering what went through her mind.
I made coffee, started a pan of water for boiled eggs, and watched, unable to hide how happy I was. How much joy she brought into my life, and I didn’t even know why. To the outside, the rest of the judging world, she was different, flawed, and defective. Not to me. She was perfect in every way possible. Without a miracle drug, Jaq was perfect.
In the eye of the beholder.
Dashing toward my phone, I slid my socks across the hardwood floor, a giddy, playful side of me coming from somewhere.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Making some breakfast. What’s up with you, man?”
“Not much, making plans with some friends to climb Machu Picchu next month. You really need to go on one of these trips with us. It’s so liberating.”
“Yeah, fifteen hours on a plane to Peru to climb a mountain with a bunch of guys. I’ll jump right on that,” I replied sarcastically, my eyes and a smile on Jaq who was now loving on Quinn, the puppies off exploring a few feet from her.
“You don’t know what you’re missing. You’ve got a package arriving today. It’s going to come wrapped like a birthday present.”
Thoughts of how I had just done a mental perfection assessment on her moments before wrapped around my mind. I wasn’t sure how much the magic pill mattered anymore. Changing her didn’t seem as important to me as it had earlier. She didn’t need changed. She needed loved.
The mountain in Peru was stepped over. There was no need for that conversation. I wouldn’t be going there to climb any mountain. “Yeah, okay. Thanks, man. You taking some time off work?”
“Not really, but I’m not looking for it either. I have an investment deal with some new birth control drug I have to tend to before I take off, but everything else sort of runs itself, ya know?”
“Yeah, I hear you. Have fun. Send me some pics.”
“I’m not going tomorrow. I said next month. You’re blowing me off? For what?”
Jaq’s name and her pretty face instantly crossed my mind, but that’s not what I said. Not out loud. “It’s eight-thirty in the morning. The coffee isn’t even done yet.”
“You’re such a pussy. Keep an eye out for the package.”
“How’s it coming?”
“UPS, but there was a slight problem.”
I frowned at Silas and smiled at Jaq, a big smile. She had her back to me, sitting in front of the impending garden when Cleo ran up behind her and dove on her back. Quinn jumped out of her arms and hightailed it out of there, and Jaq rolled to her back, Cleo right on top of her. “What?”
“It’s in Gummy Bears.”
“What’s in Gummy Bears? What the hell are you talking about?”
“The LSD. That’s all I could do.”
“You’re serious? You sent me Gummy Bears laced with LSD? What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”
“You don’t just buy liquid LSD. People laughed at me. It’s not around. Now if you want to try some Molly, I can hook you up.”
I rolled my eyes and replied sarcastically. “Thanks for the help. Catch you on the flip side.”
“See ya.”
I did get the package that day, a pretty pink box full of more boxes, pink and purple tissue paper full of different candies and chocolates, tied with white ribbon. The fake candy company was the perfect disguise. Even the logos looked authentic, and had I not already known the Gummy Bears were tripping, it looked like something I would send as a gift. To Jaq even. It was very well put together. Nonetheless, I placed the glittery lid back on the box and stuck it inside the pantry, right next to the cereal.
Jaq and I lived a life away from society. We worked on the flower garden together. Well, mostly I did. She just told me what to do and played with Cleo, Leo, and Quinn. Every day was a milestone, and like a morning rose, Jaq began to open up to me, and to her animals, but that was it. I couldn’t even get her to come outside if the crew was there working on the dock, way down by the lake. The day the roofers came she was a ball of nerves all day, refusing to leave her room, pacing the floors, and wringing her hands. That was the first day since we’d gotten there that she asked for an anxiety pill. Keeping her busy, and her mind occupied kept her calm and thriving. People made her anxious. Most of the time she was fine. She just didn’t like to be around people. Except for me, of course.
Within three weeks the work was done, and so many things had happened. Things that I wrote in my notes after Jaq had fallen asleep in my arms, only lately it had turned into more of a journal than investigating notes; a journey I never saw coming. We had adopted a cat, paid too much money for the worst puppies in the world, watched five little kittens be born, burying one. We paddled out into the lake in our new boat to fish, but Jaq hated it. She thought it was cruel and as soon as she asked me how I would like to be hooked in the mouth with a sharp hook and reeled in until I dangled in the air by my face, I knew there would be no more fishing. Not with her. We did something else though, something I didn’t even do when I was a kid. We paddled out to the far corner of the lake to watch swan eggs. Every single day.
An old beaver dam hosed what started out as three eggs, but over three weeks became twelve. We learned from Google that after three weeks of laying, it would take another six before they hatched. That didn’t stop Jaq though. We still had to paddle out there to check on them. Every single day. I learned things about her every single day, but nothing she didn’t want to talk about.
That bomb shell came one evening after I had just scolded Leo for chewing up another shoe. I took them outside while Jaq showered, lecturing both of them about the toys they were allowed to chew on, threatening to euthanize both of them if they didn’t stop. It was like any other night. She fell into a deep sleep in my arms, and tried like hell to talk down the urges. I was fine until she
rolled to her back, landing my hand right over her breast. A hard, dry lump stuck in my throat, my eyes dropped to her closed eyes and then her lips, and my hand felt the bead behind her shirt.
I slowly moved from the bed, my hand gliding across her chest on purpose. Sometimes writing about our day helped cool things down, but we hadn’t done much that day. It had rained most of the day, and we were stuck inside.
Watching the sci-fi channel, some low budget film, did nothing for my problem. I finally gave up and slid my shorts down in order to stop thinking about it. My head dropped to the back of the sofa, my eyes closed, and my shaft grew in my fist. Jaq’s mouth replaced my hand and I imagined holding her hair back while I watched her suck, swallow, and lick, a soft moan escaping from my throat.
“Ollie? What are you doing?”
My eyes popped opened, my body stiffened, and my hand tried like hell to get my hard dick behind the elastic in my shorts. “Nothing. What’s wrong? What are you doing up?”
“You weren’t in bed. I saw you.”
I had no idea how to respond to that. She just stood there, staring at me, waiting for something. Something that I didn’t know. “I—I—I.”
“I told you this was a bad idea. Whether you believe me or not, I’m not stupid. I know what you were doing. I saw you, I just don’t understand why. You’ve known from the very beginning that I couldn’t do things with you. Why are you doing this? You tainted it. Everything. You’re ruined it. Now what? Now what am I supposed to do?”
Telling her that I had just imagined her on her knees in front of me didn’t seem like the best response. “Nothing is tainted, Jaq. We’re fine. It’s nothing. I’m a guy, and guys have needs. That’s it. Nothing more.”
Jaq reached down and picked Cleo up from jumping up her leg, her eyes watery, never leaving mine. She rubbed under Cleo’s neck, trying to find the words to say to me. More words that felt like a ball bat, right to the back of the knees. “You don’t know everything, Ollie. I’m not a girl. I’m a boy. I’ve always been a boy. I mean; I know I’m a girl, but sometimes I can’t help thinking about being a boy. I don’t want you to think of me like that. I’m never going to do things with you. I never am.”
I just stared at her, no words. Nothing came to mind, nothing rolled off my tongue, and my eyes wouldn’t even blink.
“I don’t need you in bed with me. I’m a big girl.”
“What the fuck does that mean, Jaq? You’re a boy?”
“Nothing, forget it. I knew you wouldn’t understand. Come on, Leo, let’s go, buddy,” she called to Leo chewing on his own toy for a change.
I let her go because I didn’t know what else to say to her. Hell, I didn’t even know a transgender. But, it did put things into prospective a little. She wore torn boy’s jeans, baggy sweats, and tee-shirts big enough to fit me because that’s how she felt inside. My theory of her dressing like that to keep from being noticed went straight to hell. There was no feminine side to hide. Jesus Christ. What the hell did I get myself into?
Things changed in an instant after that. I changed, and I was sure we would never be the same. I would never jackoff with her on my mind again. It was just too weird. All of it. Every one of our steps forward were gone, wiped clean by a confession I didn’t ask for, nor did I want.
I stood, feeling like the oxygen in the room had changed too, my fingers running through my hair, trying to grasp what she’d just said. No wonder she was so fucked up, but now...so was I. There was no coming back from this. So many missed signals or was it denial? Did I see it weeks ago? No, no I didn’t, and I could have sworn she had flirted with me a little the day before. Her long eyelashes even batted when she laughed at me for stepping in dog shit.
Rather than opening her door, I looked in on her through my laptop. She wasn’t in her room, not that I was surprised, but I didn’t go after her. I chose to let Cleo and Leo take my place, keeping her safe. I couldn’t do it. My mind needed a minute to process the new information. Surely she expected that.
I walked out to the porch, needing a breath of fresh air for a second to regain my composure, think things through, and figure out what the hell to do now. I sat on the steps, instantly being attacked by tiny little kittens, growing by the day. When I pushed one away, two more would climb up my legs. We played this game for a few minutes until they tired of me, Mama Quinn calling them to the crate Jaq had made for them in the corner.
Evidently the lesson wasn’t learned here. I went to bed in my old room, but I didn’t think about the news I couldn’t quite handle. Instead, I reached my hand inside my shorts and stroked my limp dick. Bringing it to life, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes only to open them right away. Her eyes were right there, her smile, and her lips were closing around the head of my cock. Giving up after trying to replace her with Astrid Bergès-Frisbey, Charlize Theron, and Carrie Underwood, I let Jaq wander into my mind and take over. Choosing the path of least resistance, I pretended it never happened. That Jaq wasn’t what she thought she was. She was a girl with big blue eyes and pouty lips, body, mind, and soul, not this other person.
Regardless of how much I tried to remember the transgender surprise, substitute her with imaginary hot chicks, I couldn’t do it. It was her mouth sliding over my shaft, it was her pussy I sank balls deep into when I came in my hand, and it was her body shuddering below me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My boring job county data suddenly didn’t look so bad anymore. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?
My night was long, very long. I’m not sure I slept more than a couple hours, and my mind never did shut down. But…Even with the little bit of rest, I woke feeling different, like I had to do what I had to do. I made a promise, and Jaq wasn’t the one who changed. She was still the same girl she had been since I met her. This was my problem, not hers. I showered and started coffee and then breakfast just like I did every morning, and then I woke her.
Jaq was on her bed asleep, but not below the covers. She slept sideways with one arm hanging over the side.
I watched her closely while walking to the door, shoving the chair from in front of the door to let the dogs out. “Jaq with a Q. Come on, breakfast in ten.”
Her eyes formed a frown before they ever opened. “Why? I thought you were mad at me.”
“I’m not mad, come on. Let’s eat. I’m hungry.”
“Are you taking me back?”
That tugged a little, my heart aching from her pain. I smiled and reached for her hand. “Of course not. I’m not mad at you. I was just—I was shocked; I wasn’t expecting that.”
I watched her swallow, her eyes widen, and eyebrows stretch. “You think I wasn’t shocked? It’s kind of big.”
There was no holding that one back, I gut laughed and pulled her to her feet, feeling my face flush and once again I knew that I was indeed doing the right thing. The way the stress left her expression and the fear left her eyes assured me of that. This was right. It felt to right to be wrong. I made a promise, and come hell or high water, I planned on keeping it.
“I’m not commenting on that. Let’s just forget it ever happened. Come on, we have eggs to check on.”
“They’re going to be the same as they were yesterday.”
That surprised me. She was the one who insisted on checking on them, every single day. “What? You don’t want to go?”
“I’ll be out in a minute.”
I left Jaq alone, happy and sad all at the same time. Even after burying the hatchet, I knew things had changed. I felt it, and I knew she felt it too. It was different.
Breakfast was strained, the ease we had worked so hard on was gone. Jaq ate her egg sandwich in silence and I read the paper, but not really. My mind was too busy trying to think of something to say to her, and I hated it.
We also went out on the boat, out to the beaver dam to see the swan eggs that hadn’t moved, Cleo and Leo following along the edge of the lake.
“Did you know swans mate for life?”
Jaq’s smile left th
e puppies, a puzzled look to me. “Yeah, we read all about it, remember?”
“Yes, but did you also know they can have transgender tendencies?”
“Okay, that’s great.”
“Look, I’m trying to tell you it’s okay to be who you are.”
“Who I am?”
Jesus, did I have to spell it out for her? “I’m cool with you being who you are. Nothing is going to change.”
“Who I am?”
“Seriously? I’m talking about what you told me last night. I’m okay with it.”
“I didn’t tell you anything.”
I wasn’t really sure what she thought she was doing, but there was no taking that back. As much as I wanted her to tell me it was a joke, that she was only messing with me, I wouldn’t have believed her. “What? Now you want to take it back?”
Jaq’s face skewed even more if that was possible. “Wait. Do you think I’m a transgender?”
And here we go… “It doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is you being happy. If it makes you happy, then be you.”
Jaq covered her mouth with her hand, tears swelling in both eyes. That was the first time I had ever heard it, her gut wrenching, eye crying, laugh.
“What? You could at least let me know what’s so funny.”
She couldn’t even say the words. “You—you.”
“I’m going to dump us in the lake if you don’t tell me what’s so funny.”
“Ollie—.”
I rocked the boat, when she started laughing again. Whatever was so funny, I was okay with her giggling like that again and again and again. Jaq had the most intoxicating laugh I had ever heard.
“You thought I was a transgender?”
“Well, yeah. That’s what you said. You said you were a boy, but not really because you know you’re a girl. That’s what you said.”
I really wanted to tip the boat when she busted another gut, but truth be told, I hid my own smile. Not because I thought anything about this was funny; I didn’t. It was the tears streaming down her face, the way her shoulders bounced up and down, and the cackling sound she made. That’s what was so contagious.