having a hard time concentrating today!”
The laughter that erupted rang in my ears and I sat there appalled.
“This can’t be happening! It just can’t!” the thoughts raced through my mind as I put my head down trying to avoid any more attention.
“You guys get on with your work!” Mr. Ryland’s voice sounded over the noise. But then thankfully, the bell rang to signal the end of the lesson.
I quickly stood and made my way to the door, eager to escape, but I was stopped short by a strange sensation. It was that feeling one gets, knowing that someone else is staring. Sharply, I looked back, only to realize that Blake’s eyes were focused intently on my own, almost as though he were seeing into the depths of my soul.
I held his gaze for just a moment. But then, recognizing that it was pitiful sympathy in his eyes and nothing more, I hurried out the door. His glance had only succeeded in humiliating me further and I fought my way through the throng of students to the safety of the lunch area, where I could hide amongst my friends and feel invisible.
Reaching the group, I sat down and tried to put the humiliation of the Math class and Blake’s sympathetic stare out of my mind. As I listened in on the conversation and attempted to show an interest in what was being said, we were abruptly interrupted by the loudest and most outgoing member of the group, a girl named Lisa.
“Who is that?” she asked excitedly, in a voice that sounded like a freight train and could probably be heard right across that entire area of the school.
It seemed that everyone, including the groups of students who were sitting a distance away, abruptly turned in the direction she was pointing. To my horror, I could see that Mr. Ryland was on lunch break supervision duty and was obviously right in her line of vision. He was the one she had noticed and if others around us had not previously known he existed, they certainly did then.
“He’s the new Math teacher.” I mumbled quietly, trying to keep my voice down and avoid the stares that I could feel coming from almost every direction.
“OMG!” was Lisa’s reply. “He’s hot!!!!”
“I know,” I said back to her. “That’s the problem!”
Dad, where are you?
Rolling over in bed once more, I stared out the window. There was no moon but I could just make out the dull shine of one lone star in the far away night sky.
“That star resembles me,” I thought. One lonely star desperately trying to find her place, but feeling completely isolated. Alone in a universe that is busily humming along each day with no thought for the lost soul who has no one to turn to and nowhere to go.
Tossing and turning once more, I recalled the day’s events. The humiliation I had felt during Math filled me again with the burning shame that was becoming all too familiar. I simply could not believe that my past history and experiences with Sara were being repeated. Memories of the tortured nights where I had laid in the same bed and stared out the same window, haunted by the same mean girl at school who was making my life miserable; the recollection was way too intense to be forgotten.
Was this karma? Had I done something in a past life so that I was to be forever doomed to this life of misery, repeated over and over and over?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Sara!!
I have no idea where the abrupt reprimand came from, but there it was, clear and simple.
In the past, I had managed to survive and even conquer the demons in my life. Surely I was capable of doing it again!
To be a victim was a choice. I knew that was the case. If only I could once again become that strong, confident person I had been in middle school.
But so much had happened since then. And slipping back into self-pity mode, I thought about the support I once had; a best friend who I could always rely on, a boyfriend whom I adored and with whom I could share my heart and soul and a mother who actually cared about my well-being. These days she barely seemed to acknowledge my existence. She was there in body, but certainly not in spirit. Not for me, anyway!
Visions of Mom at the dinner table earlier that evening made me want to throw up! Who was that person? She seemed like a complete stranger to me!
I recalled glancing across the table at my brother, Matt, who seemed oblivious to what was actually going on in Mom’s head. He was too concerned with his own life to be worrying about his mother and sister. It was his final senior year at school but that wasn’t what was concerning him most. There were parties galore and too many good looking girls to consume his thoughts these days, so school work had been moved to the bottom of his priority list. He made it quite clear that moving back to our home in Carindale was the best thing that could ever have happened. His focus was on the prettiest girl in his grade at school and she was all that mattered.
“I’m going to ask her out!” he’d announced confidently to no one in particular as he excused himself from the table.
I had frowned at him and asked what on earth he was talking about.
“Do you think she’ll say yes, Julia?” came his dreamy response.
“Yes, of course she’ll say yes!” His own answer seemed to satisfy him and he had wandered off upstairs to the privacy of his room under the pretence of having homework to do.
But I knew that very little schoolwork would get done. Between Facebook, Instagram and all the other social media sites he regularly frequented along with the stupid games he still played on the computer, there would barely be time for homework!
Mom had fought a losing battle there. She’d tried to control Matt’s computer use but soon found that defeat was inevitable. In the end, she had simply given up.
I was a completely different scenario. Where she had failed with her son, she seemed determined that her daughter was going to be her success story.
However, this ideal seemed to have gone by the wayside. Dramatically! I now appeared to be her last concern. In the past forty-eight hours, she’d become foreign to me. I mean, she still looked exactly the same, but she was definitely not the same person.
It was during dinner that she decided to share the events of her day. I was shocked to hear that Barry had been back. “There’s so much work to be done around here and he’s such a good tradesman. By the time your father gets home, the house will be looking as good as new!”
I had just stared at her, trying to figure out what was really going on in her head.
“He’s so funny, Julia! Such a funny man!” Her fond recollection of this stranger was making me ill and I suddenly lost my appetite.
Then, as an afterthought at the end of dinner and as if abruptly remembering that she actually had a daughter who was experiencing the worst trauma of her life at this point in time, she asked, “Oh by the way, how was school today?”
“Fine,” I replied, as I stood to clear the table.
“That’s great, Julia! I knew that you’d settle in quickly!”
And that had been the end of the conversation.
Problem solved. Daughter okay. Son in room, doing homework. All the boxes ticked. Now I can focus on myself. And Barry!
I knew beyond any doubt that was how her mind was working. It was like she was suddenly facing some mid-life crisis or something and literally overnight, her needs had to be met, at all costs; even if that meant alienating her family.
“Daddy where are you?” A vision of my father floated into my thoughts. He had called earlier and told me that his week away had to be extended. It could possibly become two or even three weeks before he returned. But Mom didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she appeared to welcome the idea.
As I lay there, thinking wistfully of my father and wishing he was here, I was abruptly transported back in time and became the little girl who once sat on his lap while he read a bedtime story. That had been my favorite part of the day during my childhood, but it now seemed like an eternity ago.
“You’re such a daddy’s girl!” Mom’s words came back, haunting me now.
I rolled into my pillow, desperately trying to muffle
the sobs that I was unable to prevent.
“Dad, please come home!”
Fear…
Hanging out with friends at the local shopping center after dark was a whole new experience for me. I’d never had the opportunity when we lived in the country because there were no large shopping complexes nearby. We had to go to the nearest city for that but I was too busy with my horses anyway.
However, it seemed that on Thursday evenings in Carindale, when the shops offered the luxury of late trading hours, this was what everyone did. At first I thought my mom would probably say no to the idea. In the past, schoolwork always came before anything else, especially on a week night, but she must have been way too preoccupied because to my complete surprise, she didn’t even hesitate when I asked for permission.
I’d arranged to meet Lisa and some of the others from our group but it turned out that actual shopping was the last thing on their minds.
“We just come here to hang out and meet up with everyone,” Lisa shook her head and frowned when I suggested that we scan through the sale items I had noticed hanging in a nearby store window. And as I looked around I could see various familiar faces, all sitting or standing in groups.
“It’s a good place to check out the guys!” giggled Lisa as she sat eyeing off a tall, muscular looking boy probably two years older than her. It appeared that for high schoolers in Carindale, this was the whole aim of ‘late night shopping.’
“See that guy