He shrugged, shuffling some papers and making a big deal out of straightening the ones laid out in front of him. “I’ve always been this way. People who can’t adapt and move on get left behind, and I’m not getting left behind.”
I sighed, very frustrated. “Could you stop with the papers for a second?” His casual attitude was really worrying me. Before, I’d always thought Peter having a breakdown would be all about hysterics and girly screaming. Now I wasn’t so sure that it wouldn’t be a lot of hyper organization and planning like what I was seeing here.
“I’m busy right now. Maybe we can continue this conversation later.”
“No, maybe we can continue it now,” I said, more firmly this time.
He stopped and put his hands on his hips. “You’re getting a little high-handed, don’t you think?”
“You haven’t even seen high-handed, yet. Trust me. Either talk to me now and cut the crapola or I’m going to carry you out of here and force you to talk. And I’m warning you … there could be possible cuddling after.”
“You wouldn’t,” he said, his nostrils flaring.
“You sure about that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. I widened my stance, preparing to grab him around the middle and haul him out of there.
He wilted like a newly airless balloon. “Fine.” He dropped his gaze to the floor. “But I’m not going to like it.”
“Come on, you don’t have to like it.” I took him by the elbow and led him out of the lobby and over to the front gate.
Once we were out of everyone’s earshot, I spoke again. “Listen, I know Trip was a total douchebag blowing you off like that. But you have to admire him for doing what he believed in, even though it was obviously tearing him up inside.”
Peter snorted. “Yeah right. Tearing him up? I don’t think so.”
“I talked to Rob. He said Trip was miserable after you left. It was obvious to everyone he was very upset about you leaving.”
“It wasn’t about me.”
I laughed. “What? You think he was upset to see me go?”
Peter tried to keep frowning but he couldn’t totally pull it off. A tiny smile appeared. “No.”
“Jamal? Ronald?”
Peter’s smile got bigger. “No.”
“Bodo?”
“Definitely not.”
“Buster?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe he misses Buster, but he wasn’t standing out on the riverbank as we drifted by for the poodle, you dork, and you know it. He was glad to be rid of me. He was mad at Rob, Fohi, and Winky for leaving, but he knew he’d see them again. It was you he was upset about.” I shook Peter gently. “And you pretending that’s not the case is just stupid. You’re just bringing the drama.” I tickled his ribs a little. “Drama queen.”
“Stop.” He pushed my hand away, still smiling but trying not to.
“Drama queen.” I tickled him some more, using two hands now.
“Stop. I’m serious!” He tried like heck to push me away, but I wasn’t having any of that nonsense.
“Admit it!” I yelled playfully. “Admit you’re a drama queen!” I was getting him so good he was close to falling down.
“No! Never! And you’d better watch out before I start defending myself!”
I laughed with glee, so busy tickling him I wasn’t paying attention to the obvious signs of his impending revenge. “Go ahead, drama queen, give it your best shot.”
I had expected him to try and eye gouge me or palm thrust me like I’d taught him, foolish girl that I am. The revenge he’d planned so sweetly didn’t hit me until the intense burning flashed out from my chest.
“Titty twister! Ah ha!” he squealed, dancing out of my reach. “Take that, you smelly beast!”
“Oh my god!” I yelled. “You just pinched my nipple!” My jaw dropped in shock.
He held up two sets of pinching fingers in front of him. “Stay away or you’ll suffer the worst purple nurple of all time. I don’t play.”
I put my hands over my breasts. “Dude, you so fight dirty. I had no idea you were that vicious.”
He giggled. “That’s pretty rich coming from the girl who kicks testicles up into throats.”
I shrugged. “A girl’s gotta do …”
“… what a girl’s gotta do,” he finished, wiggling his pinchers around a little.
I held up my hands in surrender. “Fine. You’ve got me. No more tickling, no more boobie pinching.”
“You surrender to my superior power. Say it.”
“I surrender to your dirty fighting tactics.”
“Good enough.” He dropped his hands. “Were you telling the truth about Trip? About what Rob said?”
“Yes, I was. I swear.”
“And you said you’re going to go get him?”
“I’m going to try. Rob says they’re planning on coming here. I need to help them if that’s what they want to do.”
“It’s going to be dangerous.”
“Yes.” I moved closer to stand in front of him.
“I want to come.”
“Absolutely not.” I put my arm around his shoulder and steered him towards the front door.
“You can’t stop me.”
“Probably not. But I have important reasons for not wanting you to go. The group needs you here. I’m going to come back with a buttload of kids, and they’re going to need homes, showers, food, clothes, and everything else. There’s no one I trust more to make that happen than you.”
“That’s a lot of trust.”
We reached the door and I turned to face him. “You’ve earned it.”
“I trust you too, you know.” He looked at me with those adorable eyes of his, and the memory of his sister’s story made my heart spasm a little.
“I hope I can keep deserving that,” I said.
“I know you always will. It’s just who you are. Now tell me … what do I need to do to get you ready for your trip?”
I grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”
***
I spent over an hour with Peter and his group discussing the plans that we’d need to put in motion to prepare for the mass influx of new settlers I expected to start arriving any day. We had to set up the logistics not only for people but also animals and everything those two groups brought with them. It was a nightmare of details that I was more than glad to leave in Peter’s capable hands. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised, but he was already on top of things and had somehow managed to find the other OCD kids in our community to jump on all the details and scheduling with him. They were all shiny happy people on a mission when I left them to go find Bodo.
I’d avoided looking for him earlier because I figured he was probably out just doing his morning thing, and if he was taking extra long it was because he had a lot on his mind. But when it became obvious he was missing for a much longer period than he should have been, I knew I couldn’t avoid our confrontation any longer. It was time for me to pay the piper for my serious lapse in judgment and control.
I walked outside and started a tour around the exterior of the compound. It was a huge place, but something told me he’d be in the spot we’d talked about making into a garden. Sure enough, as I came around the corner of the building I saw him there, just standing and staring at the ground.
The closer I got to him, the more nervous I became and the sicker I felt. Is this going to be the end? Is he going to tell me he doesn’t love me anymore? We lived in this strange, new world where the rules of our former society didn’t necessarily apply in a lot of ways. But I was pretty sure that me kissing another boy would feel the same for him, regardless.
I’d hurt Bodo, and I couldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was going to have to live with whatever decision he made, but I hoped it would be to stay together. I couldn’t imagine how awkward and painful it would be to see him every day and not be with him, or worse, to see him with another girl. Even the thought of it made me want to
barf.
I walked up beside him and stopped. I said nothing, hoping he’d start the conversation, but after a while I couldn’t wait anymore. Someone had to break the ice.
“Are you willing the ground to start growing things?”
“No. I am making plans in my head.”
“What kind of plans?” I hated how weak my voice sounded. How needy it was. I’d somehow turned a conversation about vegetables into a plea for our future or something.
“Some plants need a lot of sun. Some need da shade. I haff to arrange da plants so dey can help each udder.”
I nodded, not really sure what he was talking about but just grateful that he was speaking to me.
“Whenever you’re ready for the seeds, just let me know.” Of course he knew this already, that all he had to do was ask, but I was trying to fill the space between us with words. The silence was so awkward it was painful.
“We needt water first. Enough for the peoples and the plants.”
I nodded. “Tell Peter. He’ll make sure it makes it into his plans.”
I stood there, staring at the ground with him for a while and then at the sky. It was blue as far as I could see, perfect weather for burying bodies. I was looking forward to getting that grisly task finally done.
My mind eventually came back to my more immediate problem, and I took a moment to look at Bodo’s profile. His face was set in a stern mask, all traces of humor and playfulness gone. He was like a different person - older, intimidating almost. He was beautiful, too. The angles of his face, high cheekbones, and strong brow hinted at his German heritage. The outline of his well-muscled chest was easily visible beneath his thin t-shirt. He’d make a great partner in this new world and a great dad if he ever wanted to have kids. It made my heart ache that I probably screwed it up with him. I couldn’t stand there silently anymore, or I was going to start bawling.
“Are we going to talk about this, Bodo?”
“Talk about what?” His jaw muscle twitched in aggravation.
Maybe I should have ignored it, but I figured it was better to just get things over with, whatever they might be.
“Us. About what I said to you last night.”
“What is there to say?” He shrugged, like it didn’t matter, but his muscles were so tense they screamed angry boy at me.
“Plenty, probably. You could say I hate you, or I never want to see you again, or I think we should see other people …”
He looked at me, all seriousness, the only visible sign he was feeling emotion the flaring of his nostrils. “There are other things, too.”
“Like what?” I felt like I was walking a high wire, ready to fall to the ground from really high up. It was dizzying and terrifying. I realized in that moment that I was more confident dealing with a hungry canner than a boyfriend with hurt feelings.
He shrugged once more, looking out into the distance. “I could tell you dat I luff you, no matter what you do.”
My heart soared for a brief moment - the period of time before he finished his thought.
“But dat would not be entirely honest. I want it to be da truth, but it is not.” He looked at me again. “I find dat I can luff you if you are luffing me too. But if you do not luff me, den to be with you is just the pain for me. Just the pain. My world hass enough pain for me right now, even without you. If you bring pain to me, it is too much. Too much for Bodo.”
Tears rushed to my eyes. I looked away from him to stare at the ground, trying to get myself under control. “I understand. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring you pain.”
He reached out and patted me on the shoulder, which only made me cry more.
“I know dat. It wass only a kiss, and you thought I was deadt. Dat’s normal. I know dat.”
I was so confused now, I didn’t know what to think. I looked up at him as I wiped the tears off my face. “I don’t get it. Are you breaking up with me or not?”
He smiled humorlessly, staring at me for a few long moments before looking away. “I don’t know what I’m sayingk. Dis iss a complicated life we haff, isn’t it?”
I huffed out a frustrated breath. “You’re not kidding.”
“No, I am not kidding. Da problem for me is dat Paci is here. If he wass in da swamp, maybe I could chust be a guy and be Mr. Bryn. But now, when I see his face, I just want to punch him very hardt. Veeeery, very hardt. Until I make him bleeding. Dat is a problem for me. Dat is a problem.”
I nodded. “Yes. You can’t do that. You can’t punch him in the face. But not because I’m protecting him, but because it’s a bad precedent to start here … physical violence I mean. We have to show everyone we can resolve our problems with talking.”
He looked at me, smiling bitterly. “Dat is an interesting plan comingk from you, Bryn.”
He seemed mad, but I ignored that emotion and stayed as neutral as possible, even though it made me want to cry. “The way I fight is designed to be defensive, not offensive. Yes, I go for the eyes or balls right off the bat, but that’s only to stop the fight in its tracks. I’m not a violent person.”
“No, you are not. I know dat.” He turned and began walking around behind me, headed towards the prison entrance.
“Where are you going?” I asked, feeling suddenly all alone and abandoned.
“To eat my breakfast and to get ready to transport dose bodies to da grave.” He didn’t look back, he just kept walking.
“So where does this leave us?” I shouted at him.
He threw up his arms, but said nothing.
I picked up a rock and threw it as hard as I could out into the open space on the side of the building. It sailed over the weeds and finally landed about thirty yards away, quickly disappearing in the tall weeds near the back of the building.
I didn’t know who to be mad at, Bodo or myself. I knew I was to blame for what I did, but I also felt like I had an excuse. As soon as I started thinking of that excuse though, I felt guilty that I’d kissed another boy so soon after thinking my boyfriend might be dead. There was no winning for me in this situation.
“Love sucks,” I said out into the air.
I didn’t receive an answer back. Not that I had expected to, but it would have been nice.
As I trudged back through the sandy, weed-covered ground, I thought about my dad, imagining us doing a workout and discussing my current situation. What should I do, Dad? What’s the solution to this problem?
The answer didn’t come to me in his voice, but it came to me nonetheless. Accept what you cannot change. Have the courage to change the things you can. Be smart enough to recognize the difference.
Bodo needed time to figure out what he wanted to do about us, and we had time in spades. Now I just had to keep myself so busy, I wouldn’t have a moment to think about how my heart was breaking in half.
***
It took a group of ten kids and me about six hours, but we finally moved all the ashes and bone out of the crematorium fridge and into the pit we’d dug the day before. Kids who hadn’t taken part in the actual transportation of remains filled in the hole with the dirt we’d kept from our excavation.
Peter stood by with a clipboard. “Excellent work, everyone. That looks great.”
I walked over to him and watched as the last shovels of dirt were packed into place. The bare earth stood out in stark contrast to the heavily-weeded surroundings. I lifted the mask off my face so he could hear me better.
“So what’s next, commander?”
“What’s next is we get into that freezer and kitchen and bleach the heck out of every single surface there is.” He gave an exaggerated shiver. “I for one will not be supervising that task.”
“What’s the big? All the bodies are gone now.”
“The big is that it’s probably haunted, and I’m allergic to ghosts.”
I grabbed his arm and pushed him back until we were farther away from listening ears. “Don’t say that, you dope!” I whisper-yelled. “You want everyone in here afraid to g
o into sections of the prison because of imaginary spirits?”
He half-frowned and half-pouted at me. “No. Not necessarily.”
“No, not at all, you mean. Geez, Peter. Use your head. You’re the big cheese out here. You have to hold your crap together or you’ll start a friggin pandemic.”
“Do you even know what that word means?”
“Maybe not, but you get my drift. Man-up.”
“I prefer the term cowboy-up if you don’t mind.” He lifted his chin a fraction of an inch and looked back out towards the work crew.
“Fine. Cowboy-up, then.”
“What’s your problem, anyway?” he asked, turning his attention back to me. “Who doodled in your Wheaties?”
I sighed heavily. Normally I wasn’t one to share my feelings or wallow in the boy-girl drama, but I was so lost on this one, I didn’t see any other way to manage it. “Bodo is thinking of breaking up with me, I think.”
Peter snorted. “Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious. We talked this morning. He’s being very cold.”
“He’ll get over it. It’s not a big deal. So what if you kissed a guy one time when you thought your boyfriend was dead? He needs to get over it. For serious.”
“Yeah, but it was wrong. I should have waited longer at least.”
Peter turned to me, his face all scrunched up. “Are you kidding me? What? Like you’re supposed to wear widow’s weeds and mourn for a year? Shoot, if we had to do that every time someone we cared about died out here, we’d never not wear black.”
“Widow’s weeds?”
Peter rolled his eyes. “I’m going to stock some historical romances in our library so you can expand your vocabulary.”
“Weeds?”
“Yes. Weeds.”
“Weeds.”
“Stop saying weeds!”
“Weeds. That makes no sense whatsoever. Did they cover themselves in grass or what?”
“No, dipdork, weeds is the current version of the word in Old English spelled w-a-e-d-s. It just got changed to w-e-e-d-s somewhere along the way.”
“Who changed it?”
“How the heck do I know?” Peter turned to me, all red in the face from frustration. “You’re just messing with me, aren’t you?”