I smiled. “Maybe a little.”
“Don’t you have boyfriend drama to go fret over or something?”
I lost my good humor immediately. “Thanks. Yeah, for a second there I forgot how miserable I was. My bad.”
I turned to go, but Peter caught me by my arm and pulled me back.
“Sorry. That was poopy of me. I’m a jerk. Come to papa.” He dropped his clipboard to the ground and grabbed me in a hug, patting me on the back. “Everything’s going to be fine. Either that stupid German goofball is going to wake up and realize his jawbreaker candy is still the only sweetness in town, or he’ll walk away and try to find happiness with someone less worthy. And if that happens, well, we’ll just wish him good luck and move on.”
I smiled over Peter’s shoulder, adding, “And we’ll maybe eye gouge him once.”
“And that, too.” Peter drew away and looked me in the eyes. “Don’t forget that Paci is standing on the sidelines, just waiting for his chance. He’s prime beef, too. I mean, Bodo’s no slouch, don’t get me wrong, but Paci …” His eyes took on a dreamy look. “He reminds me a little of Trip, actually.”
I kissed Peter quickly on the cheek before stepping away. “Keep your thoughts clean, Peter. Trust me, you don’t want to be confessing to your boyfriend that you were lusting after someone else while he was temporarily out of the picture. The guilt isn’t worth it.”
Peter blinked a few times rapidly before coming back to earth. “You’re right. Even though I can do whatever the H-E-double hockey sticks I want right now since Trip passed up his chance. But I get your meaning. Besides, Paci isn’t my kind of guy.”
“Meaning he likes hoo-hoos and not ding-a-lings.”
“Yes. Ever so eloquent, as usual, Bryn. Thank you for that reality check.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“By the way, speaking of the-boy-in-the-swamp-who-shall-not-be-named…”
“Do you mean Trip?”
Peter rolled his eyes. “Yes. I mean Trip. When are you planning on going there?”
“Is four days too soon?” I kind of said it as a joke, but as soon as the words left my lips, I thought, Why not? No reason for me to hang around here now that the bodies are buried and my boyfriend thinks I suck.
“Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much work we have to accomplish before everyone gets here?” He took off at a rapid clip, walking so fast it made his butt wiggle in an exaggerated fashion.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Slow down before you throw a hip out of joint!” I yelled after him.
“No time! I have to get the plans together!” And then he was gone. I could see him through the glass in the lobby, scampering over to talk to his planning group. His hands were fluttering around his face as he explained their predicament and soon the whole group was up and moving around.
I didn’t hear Paci come up until he was standing right next to me.
“Looks like you got him all excited. What did you say?”
I was instantly nervous and sweating, wondering if Bodo was watching us, worried I’d do something innocent that would come off as bad or cheater-like. I kept my eyes on the lobby, not looking at Paci. “I told him I wanted to leave in four days to go get the kids in Kahayatle.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes. I don’t see any reason for me to stick around here right now. The remains are in the pit, and Peter has all the planning for the community started. He can handle things from here, and I trust Derek to keep the place standing while I’m gone.”
“I don’t know him at all. You think we can trust him?”
“Yes, I do. Him and the people he brought with him. The only one I’ve ever had a problem with was that girl, Gail.”
“Yeah. I hear ya. She was … different.”
I looked at him, drawn away from my attempts at seeming nonchalant by his tone. “Different? Different how?”
“Different in that she had a chip on her shoulder, like all the time. And she said things that made her seem really harsh. Like she didn’t entirely blame the canners for doing what they do. At least in theory.”
“You think she’s a canner?” The very idea made me sick. That plus my nervousness at having Paci so close was adding up to severe heartburn. My chest was on fire.
“No. I wouldn’t have let her travel with me if I had. But I think she’d be easy for them to recruit, especially now that she’s been rejected by our group.”
“She wasn’t exactly rejected.” I felt guilty about that, turning a person away in this world. What kind of jerk am I? I pretty much either turned her into dinner or added to the canner army.
“Yeah, she was rejected. But for good reason.” He put his hand on my shoulder, forcing me to look at him. “You’re a leader now. You have to make tough decisions that are going to haunt you if you let them. Kowi always said that he had to do what was necessary and then walk away. Regret is too heavy a burden for a chief.”
“I’m no chief,” I said, almost bitterly. I didn’t want to be in charge; I just wanted to live my life in peace. It pissed me off that a peaceful life was just a dream - a fantasy that would probably never come true for me or any of the others here.
“Sure you are. You may not call yourself that, but that’s how everyone here views you. Don’t look so down about it, though. You’re a natural. Leadership looks good on you.”
I looked up to his brilliant smile. He didn’t give them very often, more likely to remain stoic than anything else. I was struck by how it transformed his face. He was already gorgeous, but a smile made him beautiful.
“What?” he asked, his smile slipping. “Do I have something in my teeth?”
“No,” I said, punching him lightly in the chest. “I was just thinking … never mind.”
I started walking away, but was stopped when he grabbed my hand and tugged me back. “You were thinking what?”
I pulled my hand away. “I was thinking that I shouldn’t be out here talking to you like this.”
He frowned. “Really? No. That’s not what you were going to say.”
I changed tack, knowing he’d keep bugging me until I fessed up. Paci was nothing if not persistent. “I talked to Bodo last night and this morning.”
“Soooo, how does that figure into what we were just talking about?”
“I told him about us … about what we did.”
“What’d you do that for?” Paci seemed totally mystified.
“Because! It was the right thing to do!”
“All you’re going to do is hurt him with that story. You should have just left it alone.”
“No shit, Sherlock. Thanks for the relationship tips. Not that they help me now since I’ve already blown it.”
Paci was back to grinning now. “Feisty, aren’t we? So what’d he say?”
“Not much. I’m pretty much counting on him dumping my ass.”
“And you’re sad about that?”
“Of course I’m sad. I love him, Paci. You know that.”
“I do. I know that. Don’t get mad at me. I’m just … you know, what you did with me wasn’t that bad.”
“How so? I kissed another guy. That’s bad in anyone’s book.”
“No, that’s not what happened. What happened is, you thought your boyfriend was dead, and all the evidence suggested he was dead, so you kissed a boy who threw himself at you. Once. That’s nothing to lose a relationship over.”
“Says you.”
“Says anyone with a brain. Says anyone who really loves you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He shrugged. “It means that if you were my girl and you thought I was dead and kissed Bodo once or even a couple times, I’d forgive you. A justified kiss is a stupid thing to destroy a relationship over, especially with a girl like you.”
His explanation floored me. Part of me wanted to stand up and yell, Yeah, Bodo! What he said! and another part of me wanted to curl up and cry my eyes out. Is Paci right?
Is Bodo’s love for me so shallow that it can’t weather even the smallest storm? I was so confused, I didn’t know which end was up.
“I gotta get out of here,” I said, walking away quickly, lost in my miserable thoughts.
“I’m coming with you. To Kahayatle.”
“I know!” I said, yelling but not looking back. Talk about a complication. I was about to head out into the badlands with a gorgeous guy who was crushing on me and not afraid to show it, while the love of my life was giving me the cold shoulder. This was making my former high school life seem like a piece of cake in comparison.
***
Peter had us packed and ready to go by first light, five days later. I’d hand-picked my team with care, selecting kids I knew I could trust and who had the skills to hold their own against canners and whatever nightmares we’d probably encounter on our trip.
I had a private meeting with Derek, who assured me he’d hold the fort down and work with Peter until my return. Flick stood as his second in command, anxious about getting as much of Peter’s planning done before we got back. I felt really good about leaving Haven in their hands.
Fohi got left behind along with Yokci, who promised to take care of the feisty Little Bee. Even though his wounds had not yet healed, and he was barely strong enough to stand for longer than thirty seconds at a time, Fohi kept insisting up until the minute we walked out the door that he was coming with us.
“What are you going to do about any demolitions work you might need? I’m the expert, you know. I’m in charge of that.” Fohi was standing up with his arms crossed in front of him, trying to act like his legs weren’t shaking with the effort. I might have taken him seriously regardless of the tremors if he hadn’t been standing there with Fuzzybeans balanced on one shoulder and Freak-the-Cat on the other. Something about fuzzy kittens as shoulder ornaments took all the seriousness out of what he was saying.
“Dude, that kitten is giving you a shoulder massage,” said Rob, laughing at how Fuzzybeans was kneading the material on Fohi’s shoulder with a singular focus. It was like she was in a trance.
Fohi reached up and fluttered his fingers in her face, easily distracting her and starting her on a new course of play - the attack Fohi’s finger game. “Cut it out, Fuzzybeans. Daddy’s being serious right now. Play later.”
“I can’t take you, Fohi. Peter needs your help here. As demo expert, it’s your job to guide the teams who will be building your traps.”
“My traps?” His fingers stilled, making them easy prey for the kitten. She reached out and grabbed one with her claws, bringing it to her mouth for a bite. Fohi didn’t even feel it, he was so focused on my response.
“Yes. Peter’s going to sit with you and discuss them today. Or tomorrow. He’s sending over paper so you can sketch out your designs.”
Fohi chewed on his lower lip for a few seconds. “You serious?”
“Yes. As a heart attack.” Or as serious as a cut in the gut, like you have, dope. I pushed the kitty to the side a little and put my hand on his shoulder like my dad used to do to me when he was talking heart-to-heart serious. “So handle that for me while I’m gone, would ya?”
“Yeah, no problem, Bryn. You can count on me, you know that. Like for whatever. Demolitions, traps, managing the armory.”
“Armory?” I asked, my hand sliding from his shoulder.
“Yeah. You know, where all the guns and bullets are kept?”
“Yeaaah, okay ...”
Rob was standing behind Fohi, waving like mad and making a cutting motion across his own neck.
Fohi turned around when he noticed I wasn’t focused on him anymore and caught Rob in the act. He twisted around to punch him, swinging and missing. “Shut up, dicksack! I’m in charge of the armory, you heard her!” He was out of breath from the effort of trying to get to Rob, but gamely stayed on his feet.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, Rob. You dicksack. Fohi’s in charge of the armory.”
Rob had danced out of his friend’s way and was still bouncing on his toes a little. “Whatever you say, boss. It’s all on you though when he blows the whole place to the moon.”
I looked at Fohi through new eyes. “You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?”
He frowned at me like I was crazy. “Whaaat? You can’t be talking to me. I never do anything crazy. I’m totally serious. You can count on me, I already told you.”
I didn’t bother reminding him about the pit of sharpened sticks we’d both almost died in - the pit that had given me a permanent scar down my leg. He would have wondered how that applied in this situation, being that he was Fohi and mostly clueless.
“Just be careful, would ya? I don’t want you overdoing it with your injuries. Just rest and help Peter do your stuff, okay?”
“Yeah, okay sure. I’ll do that and manage the armory, no sweat. I’m on it. You can count on me. Like I said.”
Winky came walking up. “You ready to go?” She had a big backpack over her shoulder and was wrestling with it to get it on the rest of the way.
I helped lift it up onto her other arm. “Yeah, I’m ready. What about the others?”
“Just waiting for you.”
I stepped out of the alcove and saw them all by the gate. Bodo and Paci were as far away from each other as they could be without looking painfully obvious about hating each other. Rob hurried past Winky and me to join Paci, throwing his backpack on as he ran out the door.
“You seriously ready to do this?” I asked her as we walked over to join our group.
“Hell yeah, I’m ready. I can’t wait to get my loom and have it set up in there. Peter has a weaving room all planned for us.”
I laughed. “I’m glad you’re happy about weaving.” It was funny to me to think about my berserker fighter friend at the very passive loom, just passing the thread back and forth all day.
“You should try it sometime. It’s very calming. I’m going to do some crochet too this summer.”
“Crochet?” It was like a foreign concept to me, from another planet, even. “Isn’t that what old grannies do?”
“No. It’s a hobby good for all ages. And what’s better than a fuzzy, crocheted blanket to warm your toes in winter?”
“Uh … an electric blanket?”
She smacked me lightly on the arm. “No. Don’t even go there.”
We got to the gate and waited as Peter unlocked it for us. Everyone passed through, wheeling bikes by their sides, leaving me to go last. Ronald wheeled my bike for me and passed it to me at the gate. “Go with God, Bryn,” he said.
“I’ll go with anyone or anything that will help me. Thank you.” I accepted his hug and watched as he walked back to the lobby, joining his brother, Gretchen, and Bianca at the window. They all waved, worried looks on their faces. I hadn’t let them come, even though they’d volunteered. None of them were trained to fight yet, and the girls were still too weak. Jenny was on a blanket behind them, sitting up, also waving at me.
I waved back for a second, feeling a little sick about leaving all these kids behind - kids who couldn’t fight well enough to protect themselves if they were viciously attacked. Fohi’s excitement about demolitions and traps didn’t feel quite so crazy to me right now.
Peter and I faced one another in the entrance. It felt especially wrong to leave him without my protection. I broke out in a cold sweat imagining a group of canners coming here and hurting him while I was gone. All the guns in the armory wouldn’t protect them against a sneak attack.
“You be careful out there,” he said, tears in his eyes. “I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you. You’re my soul-sister.”
“I know. You’re my soul-brother. I’ll be okay, I promise. But if something does happen to me, I want you to know that I’ll be up there,” I pointed to the sky, “haunting you and making sure you’re okay.”
He smiled through his tears. “You know I don’t like ghosts.”
“You’ll like my
ghost. I’ll sing songs to you and stuff.”
“Gah, please don’t,” he said, wiping tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. “Seriously. You’re totally tone deaf. It’ll scare me and make me pee.”
I ignored his insult, since I knew for a fact that I had a good voice. I pulled him into a hug. “Be good while I’m gone. I’ll do everything I can to bring your man back to you.”
Peter snorted over my shoulder. “Whatever. Let me go so I can give you my list.”
I released him from my embrace. “What list?” I’d seen the mountain of them he’d already made. I had no idea what I’d need a list for on this journey, though. Maybe he was going to give me step-by-step instructions on how to rescue kids from a swamp without getting caught. That would be a handy list to have.
“This list,” he said, handing me a folded up piece of paper.
I opened it. There were at least fifty items on it. I started reading out loud. “Looms, solar bread oven …” I skipped down several items and continued. “… cows, horses, goats …” I looked back up at him, mostly stunned.
“Don’t give me that look.”
“What look? The you-must-be-effing-kidding-me look?”
“Yes. That one.”
I turned partway around to show him my backpack, jerking my thumb at it over my shoulder. “Dude, you see that? It’s called a backpack. There’s not a single thing on this list that will fit in there.”
“I know that. I don’t expect you to do that. The loom alone probably weighs fifty pounds.”
“Well, what exactly do you expect me to do then? Find a semi?”
“Sure, that would work.” He grinned at me.
“Boy, you done lost your mind.” I tapped him lightly on the cheek. “But you’re cute. You get points for that.” I tried to give him the list back, but he refused to take it.
“Just do what you can,” he said, grabbing onto the fence. “And don’t get shot or worse.”
Neither of us said the word that he was thinking: eaten.
“I’ll do everything I can not to, I promise.”
“Good. I’ll see you in what …? A week?”
“Or less. Keep your eyes peeled for canners. Shoot anyone who gives you any crap.”