Chapter Twenty-Two
I hadn’t gone back to the clearing since I told Kai and Declan I would go to Faylinn with them. Since it had been a couple of days, the pulsing crawled back into my body as a reminder of the forest. As if I could forget. It felt weird not seeing them, but I would be with them regularly soon enough. I needed the human time. It wasn’t enough time, but I had to accept what I could get.
My stomach stirred as I looked down at my overflowing plate of Thanksgiving dinner. My mom’s family crowded around the table—laughing and enjoying being around our extended family. Though every family member I’d ever known surrounded me, I felt more alone than ever.
“Calliope, you’re not eating,” Mom murmured across the table.
“Huh?” I looked up to my mom, her words just registering. “Oh.” I took a big bite of mashed potatoes and smiled half-heartedly.
“How’s that case of yours, Melody?” Grandma asked.
“Rodgers will get what’s coming to him. I’m going to make sure of that.”
“How much longer do you have to be in that courtroom with him?” Aunt Audrey asked, wiping food from my younger cousin, Lucy’s, messy mouth.
“A couple more weeks.”
Maybe three days was too long. I needed the trees and the open air. The noise level suffocated me. Aunt Audrey’s kids screamed and giggled as they poked one another and spoke gibberish. My grandpa guffawed while listening to Uncle Griggs tell a story about a rooster and a tennis racket. At least that’s what I think it was about. My cousin Kelli curled up in her chair with a cell phone, a smirk playing on her lips, unaware of the ruckus around her. Was she even old enough to have a cell phone? I wanted to be her—off in my own little world, happy and oblivious to the real world.
All of their voices were garbling together. I couldn’t make out one voice from another. My throat was closing in. The pulse of my heart was sprinting. Finally it registered that my body was being pulled. It had never felt this strong before, like an anchor had thrown me overboard and tugged me to the bottom of the ocean.
“Calliope,” Dad mumbled at my left. “Calliope,” he repeated. I finally met his eyes, unsure how long he had been calling my name. “Honey, go get some air,” he whispered, trying not to draw attention.
I was grateful for the release and excused myself. Mom watched me with a worried stare. I tried reassuring her with my eyes that I was okay, but I wasn’t.
The relief didn’t start until I passed the line of trees and even then it only brought it to a dull ache. It didn’t release me completely. Maybe it was that I’d waited so long to come back or that the pull was getting stronger. Maybe it was that Faylinn knew my decision had been made and was ready for me. I wasn’t sure. Though I would miss this life, I was suddenly grateful I only had one day left. I couldn’t handle this feeling any longer.
“You don’t have to go,” Dad’s voice drifted over my shoulder. He obviously misunderstood my breakdown.
I took a few breaths before answering. If I could just catch my breath, I could think straight again. “It’s not that.”
“You’ve been so quiet since yesterday morning. I thought maybe you changed your mind,” he said.
I shook my head. “It’s weird.” I swallowed. “I feel so many mixed emotions that it’s almost as if I wish they had already taken me. I feel like I’m dragging out the inevitable and Faylinn is upset with me. But then the other half of me wants to stake claim on my human life, a life that doesn’t really exist anymore.” It was so confusing.
He came up beside me, wrapping his arm around my waist and took a breath. “I lied before.”
“About what?” I peered up at him. He watched the woodlands longingly. I wondered if he ever came into these trees just to remember what it was like, but I doubted he’d torture himself like that. Seeing the look in his eyes now, I knew simply being here now was tearing him in a million directions.
“When I said that I was no longer tied to Faylinn,” he said. “I did feel more for your mother than Faylinn, but it wasn’t an easy decision. I nearly stayed.”
“But you didn’t.”
He looked down at me, a mist of moisture coating his eyes. “There’s a separate love and pride that comes with running more than just a family. I didn’t just leave behind my home, my parents or my brother. I left behind thousands of family members and faeries who I’d grown to know and love over centuries of time.”
His mouth twitched as he fought his emotions. “I loved Faylinn. I still do. And although this is a lot for you to take on, I know you are going to grow a love for Faylinn you didn’t know could exist inside of you. My soul is still linked to it. It’s the most magical place you could ever imagine.” The watery haze glazing over his eyes escaped down his cheeks.
My heart was full, eager. I wanted to understand what he felt when he talked so fondly of Faylinn. I wanted to make a difference for those faeries he left behind. I wanted to know the love he felt for them. It was my responsibility to pick up the pieces now.
“You make me so proud, Calliope. No matter what happens. I will always be so proud of you.”
I smiled meekly. “I’m going to need you every step of the way and you won’t be there.”
“I won’t be far,” he assured, pulling me tighter in his arms. “I won’t be far,” he murmured again.
After the farewells to my mom’s family, my parents and I stayed up late talking, taking in every last waking moment we had. We didn’t talk about faeries or Faylinn. We didn’t even mention me leaving. We didn’t want to taint the only time we had left. It was simply time for us to be us as it always was before everything changed.
I rolled over in bed that night, unable to sleep. Cameron’s face lingered behind my eyes. We were leaving the next evening and I still hadn’t told him. I doubted he was going to be happy with me, but I couldn’t handle doing this any other way. I gave him up to Isla, but he was still my best friend. How was I supposed to live without him? I couldn’t even touch the thought lurking in the back of my mind. What if after I was gone he forgot about me? Could I say I wouldn’t regret going to Faylinn if it cost me the people I cared most about?
I knew that was why I really kept this from him until the last minute, for selfish reasons. He was the only one who had the power to change my mind. He was the only one who could convince me to stay. I had to wait until it was too late to change my mind.
I was supposed to meet the Keepers at sundown. The sun had just started to set. Orange streaked the horizon and I was still putting my things together. I called Cameron and asked him to come over about fifteen minutes before so I was expecting him any minute. I wanted to keep it short and sweet. It was easier this way. The goodbye didn’t need to be dragged out. I told myself he would appreciate me for cutting the ties at the last minute rather than carrying out the inevitable goodbye for days, but deep down I knew that was a lie I told to make myself feel better for omitting the truth.
There was a knock on my bedroom door as I hovered over my empty duffle bag. Could I really not think of one thing to pack?
“Come in.”
Cam peeked around the door. “Your mom let me in. She told me to come straight—” His voice stopped. “What… What are you packing for?”
“I’m going away.”
“Going away? Like on vacation or…?” He saw the nervous look in my eyes when I turned around. “You’re going to Faylinn,” he clarified. I nodded. “Why? I thought you decided you could do this here? I thought it was decided you were going to stay here?” His voice grew louder, anxious.
“Things change. This makes more sense,” I said and spun back to my duffle. I didn’t know what I was going to pack in it. What would I possibly need? My cell phone wouldn’t work and neither would my iPod. “And I don’t know why you care so much anyway. You really don’t need me anymore.”
I decided to stuff it with my favorite clothes. I knew I would probably neve
r wear them in Faylinn. They had their own clothes, clothes better suited for the woods, but I needed them. I just did.
“Do you even realize what you’re doing?” Cameron took hold of my shoulders, stopping me from packing, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“Yeah, I do. Don’t act like you know better than I do. I’m not naïve.”
“That’s not what I meant.” He sighed, aggravated with me. “I’m just worried about you. This is a big decision.”
“Please, Cam, in case you haven’t noticed I’m all grown up now. I can dress and feed myself and everything now.”
“Don’t do that,” he said, dropping his hands and turning away in frustration.
“What. Don’t do what? Make decisions for myself? Grow up? Get over you?”
There it was. I said it. Why did I say it? I hadn’t meant to confess, but it was too late to take it back now. Cameron’s face instantly twisted back to me and looked as if I slapped him. Maybe it was that he couldn’t believe I actually said it out loud or that he couldn’t believe I could get over him. He was hurt nonetheless, but I didn’t take it back.
We stood in silence for what felt like an eternity until he broke it. “Get… over me? When… When did you ever… I hadn’t realized you ever…” He couldn’t get out a complete sentence, which only seemed to enrage me more. Add the fact that he was such a guy that he hadn’t even suspected my feelings sent me over the edge. I bit down on my tongue and turned away.
Humiliated was the tip of the iceberg. It didn’t touch the feeling consuming me. Cameron moved closer to me, but I stepped away, red dusting my cheeks. He stepped toward me, cornering me against the edge of my bed, so I couldn’t get away. I felt his soft palm on my cheek as he lifted my chin to face him, his face only inches from mine. Please don’t make me look at your face.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I clenched my teeth, desperately not wanting to have this conversation, and yet determined to stand my ground. I brought this on myself. “When was I supposed to tell you? In between make out sessions with Isla? Or maybe I should have done it before Jillian and Blair or maybe after Lia. There was that week right after Dana, before Myra.” Why couldn’t I shut up?
His eyes fell and he shook his head. “Don’t do this, Calliope.”
I wrenched my face from his fingers. “Take your pick. Tell me when you think would have been a good time.” I bit my lips. I didn’t know what had come over me, but the faucet wouldn’t shut off. Where was the water source?
He exhaled heavily, exasperated. “Oh, I don’t know, Cal. We’ve been friends for years and there wasn’t one time that you could have slipped in, ‘Hey, Cam, I think I kind of like you’? All of the times we hung out. All of the times we spent in your room talking about life. All of the times we went out to dinner or to the movies. All of the times we spent driving on road trips. None of those times seemed decent enough?” His voice rose with every question.
“I was scared!”
“Did you never think maybe I was too?” he shot back. His gaze softened when he saw the tears filling my eyes. I couldn’t look at him anymore. Not with that look of pity plastered across the face I knew all too well.
“Don’t look at me like that, Cameron. I’m not this fragile thing. I figured out a while ago you’d never be mine. I’ve accepted that and now I’m moving on.”
“You’ve accepted a life without me?”
“There is no life with you! Don’t you see that?” His face fell, defeated. My eyes turned down, avoiding eye contact.
“Do you even know why my relationships ended in the past?”
That question caught me off guard. But of course I knew. He got bored with one and then went onto the next. But had he ever told me why any of them ended? He hadn’t. Had I ever asked? Or did I just accept it when he moved on to the next?
I didn’t answer.
He laughed bleakly as if I was missing something huge, right in front of my face. “Because of you. None of them could accept you as a part of my life.” His voice trembled. “When they would all eventually ask me to choose—because believe me, Calliope, they all did—‘It’s either her or me’. And I would say ‘her’. You. It was always you.”
He chose this time to tell me. Now? Really?
I moved back to face my bed. “And Isla?” I questioned quietly, staring down at the half empty duffle.
“She accepted you. She never questioned our relationship. Never asked me to choose.”
And there was my answer. He didn’t want me, merely a girl who would accept me as a part of him.
“I really care about these faeries,” I softened my tone, deflecting his words. “They need me. Me. As much as I don’t want to believe it and as much of a weight that it puts on my shoulders, I can’t possibly deny them. So if that means I move to Faylinn and become a faery queen, I’ll accept that too.”
“So, you’ll just abandon me? Leave your home. For them. They are faeries, Callie.”
He had to throw exhilarant on the fire. “Don’t insult them. Don’t make them out to be some imaginary creatures. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m one of them. I need to be where they are.”
“Even if that means losing me?” he countered. “Losing everything we have?”
My stomach sank and I lowered my voice. “I already lost you, Cam. Isla is different. I can see that. You love her like you’ve never loved anyone before. And I’ve thought hard about this. Honestly, who is going to marry me, huh?” I paused, clenching that thought. “What will my children become? A quarter faery? Just another heir for Faylinn to go after? Could I really do that to them? Am I really willing to live a lie for the rest of my life?”
“I’ll marry you,” he said abruptly.
“What?” I snorted, disbelieving. “You’re crazy.”
“What if I love you?” he continued.
I shook my head. “No,” I denied. “You don’t love me. Not like that.”
“How do you know? Just because I never confessed it doesn’t mean I haven’t felt it,” he said, infuriated.
“If you loved me like that you would have seen it in my eyes. I’m an open book, Cam. You’ve said it yourself. You would have acted on it.”
“What if I didn’t act on it because I didn’t want to risk this?” Cameron motioned between our bodies. “What if it didn’t work out between us? What if a relationship ruined this?” He exhaled and swallowed. “I can’t lose you. You’re too important to me.”
“I feel like I’m worth the risk,” I said quietly. “If you wanted this, you would have taken it.” Turning my back to him, I stuffed more useless junk in my bag. I needed to get out of here. Now.
This wasn’t happening, not on the day of my departure. I dug my grave, now I had to lie in it. I had already accepted my fate. I knew where I was meant to be.
Cameron came up beside me, his fingers trailing down my cheek, urging me to look at him. For years I had wanted his touch. This touch. The meaningful kind. The kind that moved my stomach to my heart and claimed my breath. “I can’t lose you now, Callie.”
I swallowed, fighting back the water building behind my eyes. “You won’t lose me. Not the important part. You won’t lose our friendship.”
“What if I want more than friendship?” His sapphire eyes were earnest, piercing my heart. The heart that had always belonged to him.
“You don’t,” I disagreed, gritting my teeth and closing my eyes to keep from looking at him.
“What if I do?” he persisted. “Now. What if I want this now?”
I swallowed the tears blocking my airway. The decision was already made. “Then I would have to tell you you’re too late,” I said softly, meeting his eyes. I had to show him I meant it.
“You’re wrong.”
There was determination in his eyes. Cameron snatched me into his arms before I knew what was happening and kissed me. It wasn’t urgent or forced, but it was firm, demanding a kiss back. I didn’t respond at first, but he kept h
is mouth on mine, working to ignite a spark. He knew I had it in me somewhere. Before I could tell myself to fight it, my walls were crumbling down and I was kissing him back.
It was pointless to fight it. Hadn’t I wanted this all along? His lips were soft as they brushed against mine. My mind slowly became foggy and nothing else seemed to matter in that moment. Everything around us faded into a fog and I felt nothing—breathed nothing—but him.
His hands cupped the sides of my face and he quietly groaned into my mouth, deepening our kiss, drawing me closer toward him. I sighed in liberation, tightening my arms around his neck, breathing in everything that I knew to be Cameron. He whispered my name on my lips, opening my mouth with his. His tongue tangled with mine.
“Calliope?”
His voice pulled me back to reality. I stopped kissing Cam, pausing to compose myself before I spun my head to see Declan.