I do not think you will consider it teasing when I tell you waves have been bad. There has been much wailing – I wonder how you feel about it. I know you only in the sun, in the bright times. How you deal with the darkness?
I leave offering for your mother – it is a little thing to do. I wish I do more, but distance is a unbreakable. Until I see you again, hold you, it is all I can do.
Nami
Nami
You were so grand last night, so understanding, so forgiving. I tried not to call you, knowing the time-difference, but I could not bear this without the sound of your voice.
The funeral has ended and everyone has left. The house is eerily silent. I’m sitting in the loungeroom and it feels like it’s not real – that I’m somewhere else, off with the fae. Strange, I’d thought Mum quiet in her last days, yet I’ve very aware she’s no longer here.
Now it occurs to me that writing this letter to you is a waste – I’ll be back with you before it arrives. We’ll sit and read it together and in the comfort of your arms, perhaps I’ll come to terms with this moment.
I miss Ma more than I could have imagined. We’ve not lived together in years, I only spoke to her once or twice a week. There are other people – like yourself – that I would consider closer to me than she.
Yet thinking of a world in which my mother no longer lives is hard. My mind shies away, not wanting to consider it. But it’s true – my mother is dead. There is now one less person in the world thinking of me. My home, my ultimate place of escape, is changed forever. Nothing will ever be the same again.
Not long, my love, and I’ll be back with you and life will be bright again.
Ken.
Kenyon-kun
This must be the end. You have your world, and I have mine. Do not return to me.
Nami
Called Nami. She confessed all. Am mad at her, but more scared. I cannot lose them both.
Nami
I know I’ll never show you this letter. You’ll never know anything of what I write here, but I must pretend at least that I can talk to you, explain it to you, else I’ll go mad.
You were so sweet last night, even though I could hear the tears in your voice. I sobbed like a baby after I’d hung up. The worst part is knowing how much you need me right now – the chemotherapy must be tough, and you should have me there to help you, and what the excuse I came up with for not being there? Business.
Star, I hate myself right now.
Darling, I wish I could have said – Nami, I have to stay in Sclossin because I’ve just become a guardian, a protector of the magical race known as the gadda. I wish I could have told you everything of where I’ve come from, who I am, what I have become. How the suddenness of it all, the change to everything I thought I was, has scared me. But you are human, and I can’t tell you anything.
If I’d just stayed a normal gadda, we would have worked it out. Sure, I’d have to forever hide my power from you, but living in your love would have been worth the sacrifice. But it is not to be.
So here we are. You in the hospital on Hokkaido, waiting for me. Me here in Sclossin, sworn always to serve, destined only to sneak time with you when I can.
The whole world must have heard my heart breaking.
All I can do, in this letter that you’ll never see, is say – I love you. You are the dearest, sweetest thing to ever happen to me. I will never stop loving you. I want nothing but your health and happiness.
I want nothing but you – but that cannot be.
Ken
Nami
How frail you looked, my pretty darling. How frail, and how beautiful. I look in your eyes and all I can see is life and I wonder how this can be. Then I hold your small hand in mine and I can feel the tenuous hold you have.
I wish I could stay with you. I wish beyond anything that I could. That you were so grand when I left almost killed me. My heart is destroyed – you needing me so desperately and me unable to be there for you.
But that is the last time I will speak of those things – you wish me to be the shining light of happiness for you and that is what I will do. Fresh flowers for you every day. Music. Beautiful materials to drape over your shoulders. Soft soaps to make your skin glow.
And letters, my love. I will call you every day – you know that all ready. But I will write you, so you can hold my love close to your heart.
You are so brave and so beautiful and you are the greatest blessing of my life.
Ken.
Kenyon-kun
The snow start to fall, dance on the window. Outside all is chill and white – inside is warmth, colour, joy. I trust that you are well. I am better than in some time.
Thank you for the flowers, and the music, and the clothe. I love the gold shawl, needled in green with the six-point star and heart. I have it on my knees, so I can look or lift to my cheek. It hum with your humour and kindness and it make my heart sing.
You need not sorry for the things that keep us apart. The universe has made choices for us. I give thanks we had summer, with no calls but to enjoy each other. It gives me great comfort.
Little have what we did and we be happy for it rather than sad it was too short. We were lucky. Very lucky.
Nami
Nami
We are yet to see snow here, although there’s been plenty of wind and rain. People often wonder why Ireland is so green – the answer should be obvious. It’s green because it’s wet.
My work here has been very busy. I wish I could tell you the details of it, but secrecy is paramount. Boy, would you laugh at some of the stories. People can be mind-bogglingly stupid. I wonder at times how they manage to get out of bed in the morning without hurting themselves.
You’re laughing now, aren’t you? You’re picturing all the various ways people could hurt themselves getting out of bed – stubbing their toes, banging their heads. No doubt your ideas are even more outrageous than mine.
You have a beautiful laugh – light and melodic, yet very real. Just thinking of your laugh makes me smile. Hearing it I cannot help but join in. How lucky we are, to be able to laugh so much together.
When I come to see you again next month, I will be sure to make you laugh. Then I will kiss you and you will sigh and all will be right with the world.
Ken
Kenyon-kun
It is snowing. It is pretty. Are you well? I am.
The doctor says you not make me laugh. He says is not good for me. I say I laugh and can not stop me.
I giggle at hurt in morning. I thought stab in eye with glasses? Slip on slippers? Stand on cat and get scratched?
Now I too laugh. I feel better.
I miss you. I look to see you soon.
Nami
Nami
I KNEW you’d find the craic. Slipping on slippers. You missed your calling – you should have been a comedienne.
You sounded so tired last night, my darling. Your voice sounded like it was coming from somewhere far away. I think you shouldn’t write to me any more. Of course I will write to you, but you should save your strength.
So what can I tell you? The snow has come to Sclossin and the village looks like a postcard. Most of the residents have taken to spending their days indoors, and at night they gather either at one of the pubs or in each other’s houses and talk and drink and sing. Ah, Nami – you said you loved my singing and if that is true (and you weren’t just being nice to me) then you would adore winter nights in Sclossin, where the people gather and tell tales and some of the world’s most beautiful voices are raised in song. I dare not sing in these gatherings, for compared to them I sound like a sheep in agony.
Beauty is such a wonderful thing, and so often we pass it by without noticing. Now, I notice every time. You taught me that.
Just a few weeks until I see you again, most beloved girl.
Ken
Kenyon-kun
The steam of the volcano rises above the icy wilderness and the ground rumbles beneath our fe
et. Nature is restless, her heat condensed by winter. I trust this letter finds you well.
The script will tell you I am dictating this letter. My nurse writes. I shall not stop writing, not stop talking to you – not while I am still of this earth.
Ah, now new writing. My nurse not write what I said. Mako now write. He write everything.
Here what I say – I feel my time is close. For so long, I want to fight but now, fight is over. Peace comes with saying that to myself, saying it to others.
I am dying. I will die – soon.
There is much regret – the years with you taken from me. The dreams never come true. I want children – did I tell you? Smile, happy children. Since met you, blue eyed and red haired. Pretty children. The world sadder place for not having them.
My koibito, you own my heart. My real heart, not one failing. So I have true happiness and go knowing I never truly die, for I always with you.
I try hold on you get here – I see your smile once more. It is the only thing I fight for. Then I have peace.
Nami
Nami
Mako called me last night and told me that you’d finally lost your brave fight. I can barely see these words through my tears. Yet another letter that you will never see.
I remember when I first met you – I’d just come off my board and bashed myself up quite badly on the coral. I’d got the beach and healed myself and I sitting on the sand, cursing my clumsiness when you appeared through the dunes, running toward me. You’d seen my accident and were coming to save me like a dark angel, wrapped in pink. I had to open the wounds again, so you could tend me and not know my secret.
For a moment, I’d hated that I had to do that – a human had forced that action on me. Then you dropped to your knees in front of me, smiled at me and I knew that I’d do whatever it took – cut myself any way necessary – to see you smile.
Now you’ll never smile again, and thinking about that makes me want to hit something. Worst of all is that I can’t share my pain. Any moment now, I could be summoned to help someone and I’ll have to go and deal with that and none of them can know that the love of my life has just died.
Because you are human, and I am gadda and our love should never have been. But it was, and Nami it was the most magnificent thing I shall ever know.
Mako said the staff found the letters I’d written to you and he will give them to me when I come to the funeral. Star, I can’t believe that I have to face another goodbye to another wonderful woman.
I know you think that we must just bear what the universe gives us but right now – I’m mad. I’m mad as hell. I want to tear the entire world apart with my bare hands.
And to a certain extent, I could. I’m the Garramir. There’s only two people on this planet more powerful than I. I could do some damage before they stopped me.
But I won’t, because I know that would sadden you and I’d never do anything I knew would make you sad. I only want to make you smile, make you laugh, now and forever.
I miss you so much.
You said I had your heart – well unfortunately you took mine with you. A shame, because right now I think I need them both to keep going. I just have to trust that your love will see me through, because I feel like nothing can.
I must go. I would write to you, talk to you, for hours but as always, the universe had other plans. But I hope – I pray – that one day, we will be together again.
Love you, always.
Ken.
Other works by Nicole Murphy
The Dream of Asarlai Trilogy
HarperVoyager Australia
Secret Ones: Book One
ISBN: 9780732291617
Power Unbound: Book Two
ISBN: 9780732291624
Rogue Gadda: Book Three
ISBN: 9780732291631
For more information on where you can purchase anthologies that contain Nicole’s other short stories, go to https://nicolermurphy.com
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