“What do you mean? You’re gonna come with me to my parents’ anniversary so we can tell them that we’re over?”
“Yeah, why not? That’s what you wanted, right?” He said coolly.
I took a deep breath. “It’s gonna be harder for me to tell them if you’re there!”
“Then it’s gonna be harder. I’m sorry, love, but if there’s one thing I will not make easy for you, this is it.” He said raising his brow.
“Adam is supposed to pick me up!” I said.
“No, he’s not.” He said. “He’s probably on his way there.” Then he motioned his hand for me to get into his car. “Ma’am?”
I groaned and then I went in. He rounded his car and hopped into the driver’s seat. We drove off in silence. I looked out the window. My heart is hammering against my chest.
I wanted to touch Ryder. He looks even more handsome than he did the last time I saw him. Only then, his expression was warm and jolly, like I was perfect in his eyes. But now, the look on his face was serious and irritated.
The music inside his car was loud. He made no effort to lower the volume. It was as if he wanted me to know that he is in no mood to talk. And I was glad. I didn’t know what to say to him either.
Finally, we arrived at my parents’ house.
My family greeted us warmly. Ryder removed his sunglasses to reveal his eyes. He looked like he hasn’t slept in days. When he smiled at my parents, that smile didn’t touch his eyes. When his eyes met mine, his expression was dry and impassive.
Where is the Ryder Van Woodsen I’ve known and liked?
I felt like crying. I missed him. The Ryder that I fall asleep talking to, over the phone and in bed. The Ryder who playfully gets carried away with hugging and kissing me.
We greeted our relatives. Ryder felt right at home with them. He played with my nieces. Many of them still remember him from the wedding. We were with my family all day, but somehow, we avoided each other.
I was trying to find the right timing to tell my parents that Ryder and I are over. I know they would be very concerned. I’ll tell them that we decided to remain friends and that is why he still came with me.
I found my mother in the kitchen. I helped her with the cupcakes she was preparing.
“You seemed very happy.” I told her.
“How can I not be? Your father loves me the same way after all these years!” She beamed. Then she looked at me. “My only daughter is with a man who will take care of her better than I hoped.”
I looked away from her guiltily. I took a deep breath. “Yeah, about Ryder and I…” I started. “We’re not…”
Just then Ryder burst into the room with my eight year old niece Carol on his back. Must he be such a pain?
“I’m beat, little Princess.” He told her as he put her down. “Why don’t you play with your brother outside while I catch my breath?”
Then he turned to us. My mother was smiling at him widely.
“You need help there, Mom?” He asked.
Mom? What the hell?
I narrowed my eyes. “Why are you calling her ‘Mom’?” I demanded.
“I told him to. You’ll be married in a year’s time anyway.” My mother said.
“Who said we’re getting married in a year’s time?” I asked.
“Ryder did. I asked him when the big date is and he said he’s just giving you a year to tie all the loose ends in your life and he’ll keep the pressure on! But by the looks of it, maybe it’s less than a year.” My mother smiled.
I stared at Ryder. How could he tell my mother that? He knew I was going to tell them that we’re over!
I glared at him. He gave me that crooked smile. And instead of being fazed by my anger, he winked at me and turned to my mother. “Yes. I can’t wait for her to be Mrs. Astrid Van Woodsen.”
My mother laughed. “We’ll always be thankful for the day you met Astrid. When Bry….” My mother trailed off.
“It’s okay.” Ryder said. “I know everything about Bryan and what he did. In fact, it was during those difficult times that I met Ash. It was his loss, and my gain. Astrid is a gem.”
“You’re too sweet, Ryder. And you know we already consider you a part of this family.”
Oh great! Just perfect!
Then my mother turned to me. “You were about to tell me something, dear?” My mother asked.
Ryder raised a brow at me. “Yes, love. What were you about to say to Mom?” He won this game and he knew it. There is no way I would tell my mother that Ryder and I are over after all that.
I was fuming. How could he make this so hard for me?
“Nothing.” I said. “I’ll go get some air.”
I went into the backyard and found my father sitting on one of the tables smoking cigar.
“How are you Dad?” I asked.
He smiled. “I’m happy, sweetheart. Thirty years of marriage. And I’m still in love with your mother the same way.”
“I envy you. You found your ‘ever after’.”
He laughed. “You found yours too.” He said motioning over to where Ryder is now, talking animatedly to Uncle Reynolds and two of my aunts. “You’re very lucky. He didn’t have to be rich as long as he’s in love with you. Looks like you got lucky in both departments.”
I took a deep breath. I opened my mouth to tell him that Ryder and I are over. Then I looked at Ryder. He looked genuinely amused when he laughed at Uncle Reynolds’s joke.
“That’s one man who will do anything for you, Ash.” My father said. “I didn’t really like Bryan that much, but you loved him and you were happy when you told us you were engaged. When he cheated on you, I wanted to shoot him between the eyes.”
My eyes widened at my father’s comment. I didn’t know he felt that way when he found out about Bryan and Geena.
“Then you went to that wedding all happy and in love… with a man who is more in love with you than Bryan ever was… and Ryder is a more decent man. He makes an effort not only to impress you, but also your family. And I couldn’t be any happier this day. I’m happy about my marriage to your mother, and I’m happier to see my one and only daughter being taken care of by a man who can give her a better life than I ever did.”
I knew I should have spoken. I knew I should have ended it there. But instead, I stood there quietly, tears brimming my eyes.
My father smiled at me. “Give me raven-haired, violet-eyed grandchildren.” He teased.
I smiled. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew what not to say. I knew that I just didn't have the heart to tell him that the only person taking care of his little girl is herself.
The day pulled through with me helping out my aunts with the preparations, and Ryder charming my cousins, nieces and aunts.
When I took a rest from putting icing on the cupcakes, I sat on one of the swings, thoughtfully watching my teenage cousins and nephews play the guitar on one corner.
Just then, Ryder joined them, sitting with the guys and singing along with them. He looked like a teenage boy, playfully changing the tones and lyrics of the songs and then laughing along.
He looked like he is genuinely enjoying himself. From where I sat, he looked like the playful Ryder once again. The Ryder that I missed. He looked so far from the cold, calculating tycoon who drove me here.
“He looks like he belongs there.” A female voice said beside me.
I stared up and found myself staring at Geena’s big blue eyes. Unlike the last time I saw her, I found that her eyes were dim and she has circles around them. She had just delivered her baby a couple of months ago, but she’s already lost so much weight.
Geena sat on the swing beside me. I remembered when we were kids, we would hang out on these swings a lot. Now, we’ve been through a lot more in months than we did in twenty-five years.
“I’m glad that you are happy, Ash.” She said quietly. I couldn’t believe my ears. She took a deep breath. “At least it takes some of the guilt away. Bryan was not good enough f
or you.”
I stared at her for a while. Seriously?
She smiled at me sadly. “I used to envy you a lot.” She said. “I may have everything that my heart desires… materially, but I lack the attention, the adoration and even the love that you have. Everything just seems to come so easily to you. The room just lights up when you enter it. I may be the white rose in the corner, but you… you’re the sunflowers and daisies all over the place.” She took a deep breath. Still I couldn’t find my voice. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, profanities would come flying out.
She continued. “I didn’t like that at some point. My Dad loves you like you were his own. Even my half-brother likes you better than me. And you’re not even related to them by blood. I grew up envying you. And jealousy has an ugly head.
“I failed to see that all throughout these years, you were the one who stood up for me. You were always there to defend me, to point me to the right direction. You were my best friend, Ash. But…” Tears were rolling down her face now.
“I… betrayed you. I thought you were happy with Bryan and I wanted that relationship too. You were dating each other for years and I couldn’t even find a guy to date me for two straight weeks. He was cheating on you though. Not with me. There were others… I know because I went to bars almost every night. And Bryan and I started moving in the same circles, having the same crowd, without your knowledge…”
Okay that’s it! I don’t need to relive my nightmares. I’m okay now. “Geena, I don’t want to hear this…”
“But you have to.” She begged. “For my sake. Please? So I can finally get it off of my chest.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. I bit my tongue. I decided to look over at Ryder, to calm myself, and get a little bit of courage to listen to Geena.
“Alright.” I said without looking away from Ryder.
“Whenever Bryan takes you home at night, he'd go to bars, meet girls, have one night stands. I thought you can’t really blame him because he wasn’t getting any from you. But when it was getting too much already, I confronted him about it. And in one sudden, twisted moment, we just went at each other.”
For a while there, I was afraid that she was going to go into details about how she and Bryan had sex for the first time. If she goes graphic, I promise I will kill myself!
“And then it happened again and again. We both knew we needed to stop. Because of you. But we couldn’t. We didn’t mean to betray you, Ash. It just… happened. But you have every right to curse us forever.”
Oh thank God she got that one right!
I stared at her. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. “What do you want from me, Geena? My forgiveness? My consent?”
She took a deep breath. “I want to know that you’re happy. You don’t have to be happy for me… for us. I just want to know if you truly are happy.” She looked over where Ryder was. “At first, I was mad at you for beating me again. Sporting a guy who is a hundred times better than Bryan. Filthy rich. Handsome. Smart. I thought you did it to spite me, to make Bryan jealous. If those were your intentions, you won, Astrid. I was envious of you and Bryan was insanely jealous. You were all we talked about on our wedding night!” She took a deep breath again.
I let her go on. “We thought it wouldn’t last. I thought you were doing all that for the show. But he’s still here. You’re still together. And the way he looks at you… there’s so much tenderness in his eyes. It was even better than the way Bryan ever looked at you and I thought he was so in love with you! Ryder watches you all the time. And even though you’re already together, he still cannot wipe that look of yearning on his face.
“Bryan broke your heart, but you found a man who loves you ten times more than he ever will.” Geena took a deep breath. “What we did to you may not have any excuse… but I want to know if you’re really happy. With Ryder. That he makes you happier than Bryan ever did… so I can at least tell myself that even if I hurt you, it was some sort of blessing in disguise. That heavens used me to pave the way to your true happiness. I know it’s a lousy excuse to make myself feel better… but it really would. So I need to know if you really love him, and that you’re really happy.” Geena said in an almost begging voice.
I looked at Ryder again. He was holding the guitar now and was playing it. And then he started singing. The kids around him listened intently. And somehow, so did I. He was good.
His voice was sober, sincere and mesmerizing. He sang soulfully. I couldn’t help being drawn to his voice.
I knew the song he was singing.
Picture, you’re the queen of everything,
as far as the eye can see,
under your command…
I will be your guardian,
when all is crumbling,
to steady your hand…
As he sang, with head bowed down and his eyes closed, I couldn’t help feeling all sorts of emotions. I felt as if there was something inside him that hurts and he’s pouring it all out in a song.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks now, and I don’t know why. He looked up and finally met my eyes.
“Don’t let me go… don’t let me go… don’t let me go…”
The look he gave me was so intense, I couldn’t bear the weight of it. It was as if he was making a plea… to me. I lost my breath. If only he meant that… if only I didn’t find Alizia in his house last night…
I looked away from him and turned to Geena who was watching me carefully. Then she slowly smiled.
“I know you, Ash.” She said. “Sometimes, even better than you know yourself.” She took a deep breath again. “I think I know my answer too.” She smiled. “And I feel better. I’ll try to work it out with Bryan. I know he still loves you. But I will try… for our baby at least. If… we break up and he runs to you, please, Ash… don’t take him back. Not for me. But for yourself.” Then she looked at Ryder and then back at me.
“You should recognize a good thing when it’s in front of you. He genuinely loves you. More than you love him. I can tell that you’ve been avoiding each other all day. If something’s wrong, try to work it out. He’s good for you, Ash. And I want you to be happy. This guy will make you happy. Don’t underestimate the intensity of your feelings for him. You love him… probably more than you loved Bryan. And if you choose to invite me to your wedding, I want you to know that I will be there. And for once, I will be genuinely happy for you.”
Geena stood up. I was still speechless. I just didn’t know what to say to her. Honestly, I loved Geena too. We grew up together and we’ve had good times. She was jealous of me but now she’s terribly sorry for everything she did. I looked at Ryder again. He was strumming the last notes of his song. Tears continued to roll down my cheeks.
“Do you know that you never cried whenever you and Bryan were fighting?” Geena asked.
I stared at her. Was she right? I could hardly remember what it was like with Bryan now.
“You didn’t care as much. Bryan was your friend, and the relationship was comfortable and easy. But relationships don’t have to be easy all the time, Ash. What’s more important is that it’s… passionate, exciting, as much as it is comforting. The perfect thing is that you should marry your best friend, who you have the hots for… not some guy who’s just practically your roommate.
“Ryder is perfect for you in all aspects. If you thought your relationship with Bryan was… sensible… what you have with Ryder is… magic. I hope you think about that.” And when I stared up at her again, I saw that she has a genuinely happy smile on her face. “I’m okay now, Ash. Maybe forgiveness will come between us. Someday. But thank you for giving me the hope that it will.”
When she left, I felt all sorts of emotions run over me. Relief, because I know that somehow Geena meant every word she said. Guilt, because I’ve cheated everyone by letting them think that I was okay. Confusion, because even though I was set to break my fake engagement to Ryder, my heart felt heavier than it did when I broke up with Bryan.
r /> When Ryder came into my life, he picked me up from whatever hole I was in. He was the glue that put me back together. He knew wedding planning is my passion, he invested on it and banked on my talents. Maybe he did it as a businessman. But he helped me up. Without telling me what he was doing.
He became a constant thing in my life. Time breezed through without me noticing that slowly, I was becoming my old self again, maybe even better and Ryder was becoming the pillar of my strength. He can be so persistent, I couldn’t shake him off. In bed, we’re like a dormant volcano exploding. We share a passion that sometimes seemed uncontainable, and yet we have this bond that seemed so comforting.
Now… we’re approaching the end of our charade, I knew it was the right thing to do. But somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to. It felt like the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life. I couldn’t tell my parents that we’re over, because then it would mean I was really letting him go.