And God knows I didn’t want to! Because even though he’s the epitome of the lifestyle I stayed away from since I was a teenager, I know that he’s also the epitome of the man I hope to have an ‘ever after’ with.
Tears kept rolling down my cheeks. I’ve reached the shoreline. I stood there staring at the ocean. When I was younger, I come to the beach a lot… to think… to tell my troubles to the waves and hope that they would take all of it away.
I thought about Geena. I knew she was not happy with Bryan. But the fact that she wanted to know if I was happy with Ryder told me that she was truly sorry for what she did. I searched my heart for any grudge for her or even for Bryan… I found that there was none. Not anymore. I just didn’t care anymore.
And then Ryder… how can I bring myself to tell my parents that it’s over? I’m not even wearing my engagement ring anymore, which surprisingly nobody noticed… not even Geena. When it’s over, that would be it. Ryder would be out of my life. How can I bring myself to let him go… to wake up from the dream? To admit that he belongs to someone like Alizia after all. And all I had were a few moments of borrowed heaven.
Just then, I felt that I’m no longer alone. I felt Ryder’s presence behind me. Tears still kept rolling down my cheeks. I wanted so much to lose myself in his arms. To hold him, touch him and tell him that…
I love him… even though he was just a dream. Even though it was time to wake up now. Even though I was scared… of having a relationship… especially with a guy like him.
Even though he has Alizia now…
Can I blame him?
How many times did I turn him down? I never gave him a chance. How long did I make him wait? For nothing!
I should have taken a chance when he begged me to. And now… I’m too late. I closed my eyes, and more tears came. I wrapped my arms around myself and I silently whimpered.
Just then, as if he couldn’t take it anymore, I felt Ryder’s hand on my shoulder, forcing me to turn around and then he crushed me into his arms. I buried my face on his shoulder and cried quietly.
He didn’t really belong to me and yet, this heaven in his arms just feels so right! Here in his arms, I feel like I can be whoever I wanna be, and he’ll hold this way just the same. But I know…. I blew away all the chances I had.
Ryder didn’t say a word. He just held me, the way I wanted… and needed to be held. He kept me warm, safe and comforted. After a while, the tears stopped but we still continued standing there, locked in each other’s arms.
Then he took a deep breath and said, “You don’t have to break this off to your family yet if you can’t.”
“You’ve made it difficult for me.” I whispered quietly.
“I told you I would.” He said. “It wasn’t going to be easy.”
“But why?”
He sighed. “Because I wanted you to be sure about what you’re doing first before you tell your family that I’m not gonna be around to take care of you anymore.” And that just made me want to cry even more.
“Ash… I didn’t mean to lie to you about the investment.” He said. “I really was looking for something to invest in with the first profits I had from Oil Rig and Rig Style. I saw how lucrative your industry is and I saw how brilliant you are during that wedding. I knew you were looking for a job. It presented a great opportunity for me, I took it. I didn’t want to tell you yet because when I made the deal with Adam, you didn’t know who I really was. I couldn’t tell you but I was planning to.”
“When?”
He took a deep breath. “Everyday, I wanted to tell you. It was hard to lie to you every single day. And I every time I tried… I just chickened out.”
“So what do you want me to do with your business now?”
“Keep doing it. It’s yours as much as it’s mine. Your contract with Adam has always been that you’re a partner. I’m just a capitalist, Ash. You own all the hard work.” He said.
“You want me to be your business partner?”
“You already are. I want it to stay that way.”
A mere business partner… but what could I expect? Him telling me that what we had during the past months was real?
“I’ll think about it.” I said to him. “About the fake… engagement… it’s not fair to you if we keep doing this, Ryder. We both need to keep up with reality… and I can’t come between you and Alizia. It’s not fair. You’ve helped me more than enough.”
He pulled back and stared down at me. His eyes narrowed.
“Alizia…” He started.
But then we were cut off by a voice calling us from a distance. I looked over Ryder’s shoulder to see my niece, Cathy waving at us.
“Pictures!” She called to us. “Come!”
I stared up at Ryder. It looked like he wanted to say something, but then he took a deep breath and said, “We better get going.”
I nodded. I was disappointed. I wanted to know what he had to say about Alizia. As much as the truth would hurt, I know I would rather hear it from him straight. I know I have no right to be angry or jealous anyway. And besides, I went out on a date with Tyler in the hopes of moving on. Ryder deserves to do the same. In fact, he deserves it more than I do. He was the one who was doing me a favor. I was the one with the heartache to get over and a face to save.
As we walked back to the house, Ryder suddenly took my hand and intertwined our fingers. I stared at him and raised a brow.
He smiled slowly and said, “You’re still engaged to me here, remember?”
I nodded. “But keep a safe distance. I know what it’s been like to be cheated on, and I don’t want the same pain for any other woman… even though we’re just pretending, Alizia doesn't know that, and she may not understand.”
Ryder’s face tightened, but he didn’t say anything.
My heart felt heavier. It felt more torn than it was this morning. It was as if he was confirming what I feared… I had lost my chance… I had lost him.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I DO:
Powerful two-letter word that actually means, ‘I will love you, take care of you, serve you, protect you for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live.’
Before I joined my parents, I looked at Ryder and said, “Thank you, Ryder. You’ve been very kind to all of us. I guess this is the last, huh? I'll call my parents after a week to tell them that it’s over. Don’t worry. I'll make sure nobody blames you. I’ll tell them that I want to stay single for a while. To… date around…”
“Do you?” He asked soberly.
I raised a brow. “Do I what?”
“Want to date around?” He asked.
I laughed… to cover up the pain that I feel inside… and to hide the truth behind the lie that I’m about to say.
“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” I turned away because I couldn’t bear to lie to him anymore. I joined my family for the pictures. Ryder took a picture with us too.
I tried to laugh, dance and chat with as much of my relatives as I can. I was avoiding Ryder. I didn’t know what to say to him. More than anything, I don’t want to feel any more pain. I have gone from one major heartbreak to a love unrequited in less than one year.
In truth, when he asked me if I really wanted to date around, what I really wanted to tell him was… No. I just want to date you… for real.
The evening wore on. I haven’t spoken another word to Ryder again. I managed to evade him. We didn’t even dance a song.
It was time to go. Most of my relatives have gone home. I said my goodbyes to my parents. Bryan had a smirk on his face in one corner. When I looked at Geena, she had a wistful smile on hers. I knew I couldn’t stay mad at her forever. It was pointless. Bryan is nothing to me now anyway. So I gave her a slight nod… to give her hope that forgiveness would come… in time. She took a deep breath and it seemed to me like she was on the verge of crying.
I felt Ryder stand behind me. I finally turned around to face him. The look
on his face was sober and cold, like he was bottling up all his anger, sadness and frustration until he is in the clear to let hell break loose.
“You can’t avoid me forever.” He whispered.
“I wasn’t…” I started. But what’s the point of denying the obvious?
He raised a brow at me. I met his gaze evenly. “Let’s go home. Say your goodbyes to my parents. It will be the last you’ll see of them.”
He narrowed his eyes. Then he walked towards where my family is. He shook my father’s hand and he gave my mother a hug.
On our way to his car, my father called out to him, “I will hold on to your word, Ryder.”
Ryder nodded. “Yes, Sir.”
When we climbed into his car, I glared at Ryder. “What was that?”
“Nothing.” He answered and then he started the engine.
“You have to tell me!”
“No, I don’t.” He said.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s just between your father and me.” He replied.
I sat back on my seat, fuming by the second. How could Ryder make a private conversation with my father? What did he tell him? Why is my father asking him to keep his word? Is there a secret that my father told him that Ryder promised to keep? Is this about money or some investment that my father will make that Ryder agreed to help him with?
I’m going to call my parents to tell them that Ryder and I are over. I will have to break this fake engagement. It doesn't help if Ryder continued to rub elbows with my father. I already know and admit that I’m in love with him. I wanted this engagement to be over and done with so I can begin another journey into the healing process. It may feel worse this time around, but I’ve been here before and I survived it. I’m a rock!
What do they say? “Everyday is a test. If you wake up alive today, it means that you got an “A” for yesterday!” I got over Bryan. I’ll get over Ryder too.
Ryder didn’t betray me when he slept with Alizia, or if he tried to start things with her. He’s absolutely free to do whatever he wants with his life. He actually held up his own life in lieu of the big favors I asked of him and I don’t think that was fair.
I owe almost a hundred percent of my recovery to him. He helped me hold my head up high during that wedding, and because of him, my family doesn’t think I was unfortunate and heartbroken. They thought I was a lucky girl who was better off with a better man. Because of Ryder, I wasn’t a jobless bum who lived off Adam’s charity. I manage a company that I love with all my heart.
In truth, I really was happier! I was happier with Ryder than I ever was with Bryan. Ryder did turn my world around, but I was… a coward. I was afraid that life with him was too perfect it didn’t happen in real life. That I couldn’t hold him long enough. That we lived in opposite poles and trying to make it work would only mean more chaos and heartbreak.
I was so bent on thinking that he and I could never be that I didn’t even notice what was happening to me… that I was falling in love with him for real. I was stealing moments of heaven with him thinking that they only happen in dreams, that I forgot the fact that you cannot cheat your heart and my heart didn’t know it was just a game… my heart thought that we were for real… that I can have him for my ‘ever after’.
Had I figured this out before, I would probably have tried to confront my feelings and see if I can try existing in Ryder’s world… even though I was scared. Now that Alizia had officially entered the picture, it reminded me that if I really do love Ryder, I should let him be happy… with one who’s fit to be the wife of a tycoon and can raise future tycoons in accordance with the norms of the upper class society. One who would be easily accepted by his family.
That’s Alizia. Ryder deserves Alizia. For all the good things that he is, he deserves to have a perfect life, free of complications of geography or status in life.
We reached my home. I know I can’t force Ryder to tell me what his deal with my father was, but I can always pick up the phone and call my Dad. When I tell them that Ryder and I are over, my father will tell me the deal with Ryder and hopefully not pursue it anymore. Ryder need not be tied down to do favors he shouldn’t be obliged to do.
I turned to him. “Thank you, Ryder.” I whispered. He was looking at the road, his expression sober. He didn’t say anything. “For everything. From the beginning… you have done more than your part and you’ve done it beautifully well. It was… a great ‘fake’ relationship.” I giggled humorlessly. “But you know… it’s gotta end some time.”
He sighed. “Yes. It has to end.”
I bit my lip to prevent a whimper from escaping my lips. That hurts. I know that it has to end, but hearing Ryder say it broke my heart ten times more. It was as if he just put out the last glimmer of hope that I had in my heart.
“I don’t want to cause problems between you and… Alizia. I know she won’t be happy about this, even if you tell her that you were just doing me a favor.”
He didn’t say anything. He continued to stare at the road soberly. After a full minute of silence, he went out of the car and opened my passenger door for me.
This is it! This is probably the last time I would see him. The last time that he would exist significantly in my life.
I went out of the car and we headed towards my door.
I turned to him and smiled. I know that smile looked horrible. I was trying my best not to cry. I missed him like crazy already.
“Thank you for coming with me.” I whispered. “And thank you for pretending to be my fiancé for… more than half a year. You were wonderful, Ryder. You’re everything a girl could ever ask for. She’s a very lucky girl.” And then I tiptoed and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
He didn’t say anything. He just stared down at me with that grave expression I cannot read. I stared back at him and I knew he can see the tears in my eyes.
I turned my back on him and headed towards my front door. I know I could only hold back the tears for less than a minute longer.
Then I heard him say, “Alizia and I are nothing.”
I turned around to look at him. “What?”
He took a deep breath and took a step closer to me. “When you came to my house that night, she was there to use the bathroom. Said she can’t use the toilet in the bar and she had to change her clothes or something. If it was a ploy to seduce me, I want you to know that she didn’t succeed at it. Nothing happened. I took her back to her hotel just as soon as you walked out.” When I looked up at him, I thought I saw a glimmer of light in his eyes. “You know I don’t like aggressive women… and over the years, I’ve mastered the art of dodging them.”
I took a deep breath. “It’s actually none of my business. Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want to know why you came to my house that night.” He said. He was staring at me intensely. “The truth, Astrid. I think I at least deserve that!”
The intensity of his look and his voice almost scared me and made me want to run away. But I know he was right. He does deserve the truth. No matter what he decides to do with it.
“I wanted to get my answers…” I said. “I wanted to know what we are… what we could be…”
“You went out on a date.” He said, a trace of annoyance still evident in his voice. “Are you opening yourself up to a possibility of a relationship?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.” I whispered softly. “I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that… I was single.”
“You weren’t single, Astrid!” He said agitatedly. I stared up at him. “For months, you were in a relationship… with me!” His voice and his words made my mind go blank. “You were just too stubborn to admit it, Ash! And I put up with it! I waited! Until you’ll finally be ready to admit it to yourself!”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It wasn’t all fake for Ryder! It was easy enough for him to treat me like a princess, to answer to my whims… because for him it was all real.
Then his express
ion softened. “And I would never touch Alizia.” He said. “Because I would never cheat on you, Ash.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I was more confused now than a few moments ago. Now, more than ever, I do not know what Ryder and I are anymore. There is a thin line between pretending and reality.
“Maybe it’s time we finally settle the score. Here. Now.” He said soberly.
I stared up at him. He stepped closer to me and stared at me deeply.
“Are you ready to have a relationship, Astrid?” He asked seriously.