I took a deep breath. I nodded. Because, honestly, I think I am.
“Are you ready to be with me?”
He asked me the question I wanted him to ask. I knew the answer to that question now more than ever. In spite of all my fears, all my insecurities, all my uncertainties, I know what I want now. It may be a dream, but I want it. And I know in my heart, that I have to fight for it. Because Ryder is really worth it!
But when I stared up at him and saw the cold expression on his face, I couldn’t find my voice.
“Do you even want to be with me?” He rephrased his question. But still I couldn’t answer.
Ryder narrowed his eyes. He looked angry, frustrated and broken all at the same time. He shook his head in disbelief and then turned to walk away. I know I should say something, or this moment will pass and I will regret it forever.
“I want to be with you.” I croaked. “Only… you.” I added quietly.
He turned back to me. Somehow, something in his expression changed. The cold and angry expression was fading from his face. He took a step towards me. He looked at me deeply, reading every emotion in my teary eyes.
I took a deep breath. “But I’m scared, Ryder…”
He drew a deep sigh of relief. “Oh, God, sweetheart…” He whispered and the next thing I knew, I was enclosed in his warm embrace. The embrace I missed so much. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks.
“I’ve been burned and deceived in the past. I was scared for that to happen again. I prevented myself from falling in love with you. Because I know we didn’t exist in the same world. I didn’t want to lose you in my life. And I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.”
“Why will I hurt you? I, more than anyone, know the hell you have been through.” He said.
“Why me, Ryder?” I reminded him. “I have nothing to give you in return.”
“I already have everything.” He said. “You’re the only thing I want.”
“I’m not glamorous, I’m not rich, I’m not fit for someone like Ryder Van Woodsen. I’m not what your society or your family expects or wishes for you.”
He laughed and hugged me tighter. “On the contrary, you’re exactly what my family would wish for me. I think you will dazzle my society without even trying. And maybe you don’t know that Ryder Van Woodsen didn’t want a rich wife. He just wanted a woman who would love him even if he was poor.” Then he pulled away from me so he could look into my eyes. “And that’s you, love.”
“You may want me now, Ryder. But for how long?” I asked.
He kissed my forehead. “How about forever and after that?”
I looked up at him. “How could you say that?”
He laughed and pulled me to him again. “Let me tell you a story that would perhaps ease your mind.” He said. “I told you before that someday I’ll tell you why I am doing you all those crazy favors… well, there’s something I should have told you a long time ago.” He took a deep breath.
“When I was a teenager, girls would come easily to me and Jake. We got chased, not because of who we were, but because we lived in limos, shiny cars, bottomless pockets. Plastic girls who wished to be a part of the big pie. Jake’s been in love with Janis almost all of his life, and we’ve known each other since we were kids. Janis was just as rich as Jake so he’s assured that she wasn’t after his money. He was lucky. In that aspect, I envied him. Ever since I was young, I wasn’t into womanizing… I grew up thinking these girls only wanted my money. I wanted to find one like Janis, who loved Jake for who he really is. Not because he was an heir to a huge inheritance. And in this day and age, it was difficult to find someone like that. Who would like you for who you are inside.
“One day, I walked into a jewelry shop to buy my mother an earring. I accidentally bumped into some clumsy girl. Her scent filled my senses and to my greatest shock, she hugged me and cried in my arms, without even looking up to see who I was. It was the first time in my life I felt needed. Not for my money… but for the warmth, comfort and protection I could provide.
“When I looked down at her, I saw a beautiful, but torn and broken soul. When I walked into that jewelry shop, I couldn’t get her out of mind. She got under my skin the minute I saw her. I didn’t complete my purchase. I ran out of the store to start looking for her. I went into my car and rounded those streets for like an hour searching for where she could have gone, afraid that I may never see her again.
“And then one night, when I was doing my rounds at Oil Rig, I saw her again, sitting alone in the bar, trying so hard not to look miserable. I knew I had to meet her, but I wasn’t used to picking up girls, or trying to start a conversation with one… so I took off my jacket, borrowed a cap from one of my bartenders and went to the counter to take her order.
“When she told me her story and told me she needed help, I just couldn’t resist. It was the easiest way for me to see her again. At that point, it didn’t matter what I was doing. All I knew is that I wanted to get to know her better, and I’d like to see her again, so I agreed to help her. I saw her spirit and her will to survive through her pain and humiliation, and I admired her even more. And for the first time in my life, I felt like someone liked me for me… it didn’t matter if I was poor. I felt lucky that night. For once, a woman enjoyed my company without knowing who I really was.
“The investment, I did it partly because I saw the potential in it. Another part wanted me to give her a fresh start. Because the sooner she gets over her past, the faster I can start to pursue her. But sooner or later, she had to find out who I really was. And she didn’t like me anymore… didn’t like me as much as she liked the bartender she met.
“And somehow, no matter what I do, the issue of my birthright comes in the way. To make things worse, I go crazier and crazier about her everyday. Believe me, I never hated being Ryder Van Woodsen in my entire life. But I did. Because I wanted her more!”
I listened carefully to his story. I couldn’t help whimpering, crying rivers of tears silently in his arms.
“The bet that I had with Janis and Jake wasn’t that serious. If I didn’t have a girlfriend by then, I would just pay for their entire honeymoon when they get married. I was planning to give it to them anyway, as a wedding gift. So it didn’t matter if I lost. But by then, I was already losing her… I needed to come up with a quick plan to keep seeing her. And when Janis reminded me about the bet, an idea crossed my mind. I took her to Miami not just to win the bet, but to make her fall for me. But this girl can be pretty stubborn sometimes. She was all bent up in her beliefs that no one could change her mind. But I put up with it. I was willing to wait for as long as it takes. Because ever since I was a teenager, I was hoping to find a woman who would love me for who I am inside. And I know that the fact that I’m Ryder Van Woodsen prevented her from taking a chance on me.”
He pulled away from me so he could look into my eyes. I stared up at him, not able to stop crying. It seems like I could see Ryder’s soul in his eyes... like he was baring it all for me.
“Every time we pretend we’re together, that was the only time I could freely express what I really feel for you, Ash. I express how much I wanted to take care of you. How much I wanted to hold you in my arms, and make love to you. Whenever I was your fiancé, I picture how life would be like when we’re truly together… and I know it would be perfect.
“When we stop, I had to pretend I don’t feel anything for you, I held back every bit of emotion. For a while now, it seemed that whenever I pretend to be your fiancé, that’s when reality starts for us… when we go back to being just… friends… that’s when we start to pretend.” He took a deep breath and leaned forward to kiss my forehead again.
“You were so convinced that you don’t belong in my world… but you don’t realize that I belong to you! For months now, Ash… you call me, I answer in one ring. Anything you want, doesn’t matter what time or where I am… I pull it off for you. Didn’t you ask yourself why I was going to hell and back for you?”
/> I giggled in spite of my tears. “I thought you were just crazy about saving poor damsels in distress.”
“I was crazy about you.” He said. “God! I’m still crazy about you!” Ryder pulled me to him again and locked me into a tight embrace.
“You said I was having a relationship with you…” I started.
“It felt that way to me.” He said. “We’re on the phone all the time, you have keys to my house, I’m at your beck and call… really, Ash? You didn’t notice?”
“You tricked me!” I said giggling.
He shook his head. “I wanted you to realize that it didn’t have to be complicated. I wanted you to get used to a life with me… and I was hoping you’d find it comforting… that you could handle it… that I was far from the rich assholes you met in your life. So when you’re finally ready to admit to yourself that you’re ready for a relationship, I would be the first on your list… regardless of whether I was Ryder Van Woodsen or not.”
I closed my eyes and savored Ryder’s scent, and his warm embrace. I realized that he was right. I’ve been living in his world for months, and he never judged me, or disappointed me. He was the sweetest thing I knew. I don’t know how his family would react to me… but I know this guy would fight for me. And that’s all that matters.
“I cannot help who I am, Ash.” He said wistfully. “I cannot change who I am. I will always be Ryder Van Woodsen. But I want you in my life. I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in my life! I’m willing to wait for as long as it takes. I’m even willing to honor your ‘no sex before marriage’ policy, if that’s what it takes, and I will do it better than Bryan ever did. I’ll fly back to L.A. for you as often as you want. Just… trust me, take a chance on me. And I will do my best to make you happy.”
I smiled at him. “I am happy, Ryder. With you… in this fake relationship we’re in. What would it be like if we do it for real?”
He smiled back at me. “A hundred times better.” He promised.
“Don’t make any promises you can’t keep.” I warned him. “I’ve had my fair share of broken promises already.”
“I know. I'm not making any promises I can't keep. I promise if you take a risk with me, it will be a hundred times better!” He said seriously.
I stared up at Ryder’s eyes. The truth is, I wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with me. I may be scared, but I want him more than anything in the world. He’s right. It doesn’t matter whether or not I was ready for a relationship with him. Sometimes, the only thing that matters is the way we feel… what we want. After all the pains I’ve been through with Bryan, maybe I really do deserve a life with Ryder. Maybe Geena was right. I had to feel the pain of a broken engagement with Bryan because he wasn’t the one meant for me. Someone better is.
Finally, I smiled at Ryder. Then I tiptoed and gave him a kiss on the lips. He savored that kiss, as if he’d been dying to kiss me for days.
He took a deep breath. “I love you, Astrid Jacobson. More than I’ve ever loved anybody. You… are my life. I will take care of you, I will protect you. I love you! I love you! I love you!” He said. Then he leaned his forehead against mine. “Give me your answer, Ash. Will you risk being with me? For real?” He whispered against my lips.
I closed my eyes, tears rolled down my cheeks. I was so overwhelmed with what Ryder said. I could hardly believe my ears.
When I finally found my voice, I said. “I went out on a date just to prove to myself that I was ready… but when I was there with that guy, all I could think about was that something was wrong, like I was cheating. When I saw you, I felt so guilty and so scared. I couldn’t even kiss the guy… I could not fall for any other guy or date anyone else. That is why I came to your house that night.” I took a deep breath. “I love you too, Ryder. I guess, that gives you your answer.”
He smiled, a genuinely happy smile. Then he leaned forward and kissed me very thoroughly. He kissed me with all his heart, all his soul. He kissed me like he couldn’t believe he was kissing me for the very first time in his life, like he didn’t want to let me go ever again.
When he pulled away he smiled at me and said, “It’s good to kiss you like that and know that I wasn’t doing it for the show… or that kiss didn’t have to be over soon enough.”
I knew exactly what he meant. That kiss felt like… unlocking all the chains I built around my heart. Then the intensity of my love for him swept through me in waves I could barely contain. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I realized how close I came to losing him… to making the biggest mistake of life.
I tiptoed and kissed him again. He kissed me back as hungrily as I did. Then he leaned his forehead to mine and took a deep breath. When he pulled away, he picked me up on my feet and carried me in his arms, back towards his car.
“What are you doing?” I asked, giggling.
He smiled at me. “Taking you home.”
He carried me to his car and settled me on the passenger seat. He drove to his house. When we reached the door, Ryder picked me up again and carried me inside his house.
“Welcome home, love.” He said to me. “Your ‘ever after’ starts now.” As I looked up his face, he was just as sincere as he was boyish. This was the Ryder that I missed. The real Ryder. And when he said that my ‘ever after’ starts now, I wanted to cry again. I held on to him tighter and buried my face on his shoulder. I silently prayed that this wasn’t all a dream because I didn’t want to wake up from it.
He took me to his bedroom and laid me down on the bed. He took off his jacket and kicked off his shoes.
I laughed when he leaned down towards me with a mischievous smile on his face.
“Hey, didn’t you say you were going to honor my no sex before marriage policy?” I asked.
He raised a brow. “I did? I don’t remember!”
He leaned down to give me a kiss on the lips. He looked down at me and in a more serious tone he said, “Yes, I did. And I’ll do it… all you need to do is ask.”
I smiled at him. I was tempted to. But I’ve been on that road before. What was the point of holding Ryder back when we’ve already shared many nights of passion, and my body craves for his helplessly?
I shook my head. “I’m not going to.” I whispered to him.
He narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure?” He asked. “Because whatever you say now becomes your final answer. You can’t change your decision half-way, love.”
I laughed. I shook my head and then I pulled his face towards mine and gave him a kiss. “I’m sure.”
He smiled at me and then he kissed me hungrily. I kissed him back, letting that familiar desire for him envelope me completely. He undressed me, kissing every bit of skin he exposed. I kissed him as hungrily as he kissed me. He looked at me in eyes dark with desire. Without taking his eyes off me, he claimed me, finally making us one. I let out a loud moan. Ryder swallowed them with his kisses. Then he leaned his forehead against mine and sucked in a deep breath. “I love you, Astrid! You have no idea how much!”
Panting, I leaned forward and kissed him back, saying, “I love you too, Ryder. Maybe just as much as you love me.”
Chapter Twen
ty-Three
BOND:
A connection that fastens things or people together.
The next morning, I woke up Ryder with kisses. He smiled at me and then he held me by the waist, pushed me on my back and pinned me between his body and the soft mattresses of his bed. There was no need for words after that.
It was almost noontime when we got up from bed. I knew that Ryder will leave soon and this made me want to cry already.
“What time’s your flight?” I asked him.
He smiled and pulled me to him. “Tomorrow at ten.”
“Why?” I asked in surprise.
“I canceled things today.”
“Ryder… why did you do that?”
He kissed me. “I wanted to. A day won’t hurt. It’s our first day together… for real. The first day tha
t didn’t have to end.”
I gave him a hug. “Geography’s going to be a bummer, won’t it?”
He chuckled. He pushed a lock of stray hair away from my face. “Let that be my problem.”
I stared up at him. “That’s not fair. I don’t want you to stress yourself out too much traveling so often to Malibu. I know you live most of your life in Manhattan.”
He smiled at me. “You know the solution to that problem, love. But until you’re ready, I’ll fly in as often as possible.”
I hugged him. Tears brimmed my eyes. I miss him already. If I want to solve this problem, I only need to make a move to Manhattan myself so Ryder need only to fly back to Malibu once a week.
I gathered my clothes on the floor. Ryder did the same to his. Just then I remembered one thing, Ryder and I didn’t wear any protection. I sat back in bed quietly, thinking. In New York, Ryder didn’t wear one either but he withdrew. Now, I don’t remember him doing so.