A lump formed in my throat and my heart felt like it has been twisted tightly. Damn it! I don’t understand this. Why do I feel like this? All because I didn’t see her again?
I was really disappointed. Something about her piques my interest to the highest level.
My family kept reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. They said therapies would be done and I should be alright. I don’t know why they fuss so much. I’m okay. I feel fine. It’s just a bunch of broken bones.
Everybody left after an hour. Only Jake and Janis lingered a while longer.
“We… thought it wasn’t a good idea for you to see Astrid yet.” Jake said.
I stared at him for a long while. “Where is she?”
“In your… she’s home.” Janis replied. But I didn’t miss the first response she was supposed to say. Is she in my apartment? Well, that’s fresh! Who the hell is this woman?
“Who is she?”
“She is… your girlfriend, Ry.” Jake said. He took a deep breath. “But with your amnesia, unfortunately, you wouldn’t remember her.”
Amnesia. The word registered in my mind for the first time today.
“What?”
Jake blinked back at me. “Weren’t you listening to the doctor, man?”
I shrugged. “I figured that’s what you’re there for.” I replied.
“Shit!” Jake cursed. He stared back at me. “You have retrograde amnesia, Ryder. You lost a year of your memories.”
If I was heating up with desire at the thought of Astrid a while ago, now I felt like ten buckets of ice have been poured over my head.
One year. I lost a year of my memory. I took a deep breath and stared at my best friends again.
“One year?”
They nodded.
I figured it shouldn’t matter a lot. I could read about the current events on Google. I would ask for month per month reports on my businesses and I should get everything back on track. I would check all my bank accounts to make sure I didn’t squander my money over the last year.
It doesn’t matter, right? After all, nothing much could happen to me in a span of one year. Right?
I asked them about Oil Rig and Rig Style. Apparently, I have two bars in Malibu now, perfectly operating well. I just opened another branch in Manhattan and all my bars are doing perfectly well. The ones in Manhattan are all being managed by Paris. Why I allowed that, I don’t know. Apparently, I invested in a wedding events business that just opened about six months ago and is now doing well, I was contemplating on branching it out in New York. This company is being headed by Astrid.
I pressed the skin between my eyes. My head suddenly hurt with all the information that I got from Jake and Janis. It was like looking at my life in full fast forward. Except that it doesn’t feel like my life at all. I don’t remember any of this.
And there were some that didn’t seem right. Like why the hell would I trust Paris to handle my business? I’m quite territorial and meticulous with what I do, particularly with my businesses. And I don’t invest in things I absolutely have no experience, knowledge or interest in… like wedding planning. For starters, I don’t even think I would be married at all. I don’t believe in marriage. Can’t really blame me for the ideal setup my parents have, right?
Did Astrid make me do all these things? How did she convince me to put up a business for her? How did she make me… weak? Gullible?
“Ryder… Astrid is your…” Janis started.
“Stop. I don’t want to hear it.” I cut her off.
“But you have to! You’re in love with her!”
I raised a brow. In love? No. Ryder Van Woodsen is not capable of falling in love. Especially with a woman he doesn’t know or hasn’t known for a long time. I’ve made sure of that. For years, I have mastered the art of dodging feminine charms for fear that they were just after my money. I learned well from my father’s marriages, thank you very much!
“Ryder, Astrid is the woman you have been…” Jake started.
“Save it.” I said. I shook my head. “I don’t want to hear about it. Whatever she’s done, it wasn’t good. I know now I’ve done stupid decisions in the past year. I don’t want to hear how I’ve been gullible enough to fall for her charms. So please, if you want this friendship to not end, spare me the details about Astrid. I don’t want to hear them.”
“She’s hurting! She was worried sick that you wouldn’t wake up from your coma. That you wouldn’t survive this accident.” Janis protested.
I laughed humorlessly. “Well, she shouldn’t have been worried that I was in a coma. She should be scared now that I’m awake.”
“What are you going to do?” Janis asked, fear evident in her eyes. Yeah, this is one girl who knows me too well.
“I will fix my life.” I replied. “I will undo whatever stupid things I’ve done in the past. And I don’t care who gets hurt in between. It’s time to put a stop to this Astrid’s manipulating spells. They won’t work anymore.”
Janis gave me a shocked look. She took a deep breath and then she balled her fists. For a moment, I thought she was going to attack me, broken ribs and all. But Jake held her firmly by the waist.
Jake gave me a look of disapproval. “Ryder… there’s about eighty percent chance you’re going to recover from this amnesia. And I guarantee you… you would regret it if you go down this path.”
“Then I’ll take full responsibility for all my actions.” I said confidently. I’ve lived all my life without a woman and I was happy. Why would I regret it if I wake up from this, and Astrid is gone? Life goes on as usual.
Tears spilled from Janis’s eyes. Damn! What has Astrid done to my best friend? Janis was tough and feisty. Why is she crying for a girl we didn’t even know? A girl who doesn’t even look like she was one of us. A girl who might have a hidden agenda underneath her innocent and sweet façade.
Janis stood up from her chair and headed for the door. She gave me one angry look and then she slammed the door behind her.
I stared at Jake, who looked like he was trying his best to understand me but underneath that calm face of his, I know he was also raging mad.
“I won’t regret this.” I said to him. “You know me.”
He smiled bitterly. “That’s the problem, Ryder. I know you too well. And I know that when you do wake up from all this mess, you would wish you never survived this accident at all.”
Then he stood up and left without another word.
Great! Now it’s me against everybody. What has that woman done to everybody in my life?
I thought about her mesmerizing eyes, which was unique and interesting. Suddenly, I wanted to stand an inch away from her, just so I could tell what her exact eye color is. I know it isn’t blue. It’s something more beautiful and enchanting. And how she managed to enchant each and every one around me is beyond my understanding. But I intend to change that. Regardless of whether Jake was right or not. Regardless of who will be the casualty in the end.
***
I heard the sound of sweet laughter in my ears. I reached out for her and enveloped her in my arms. She stared up at me, her violet eyes were enchanting me. Wow! So violet eyes do exist. And the woman in my arms was beyond beautiful.
She wrapped her arms around my neck to pull me down for a passionate kiss. I completely drowned. I lost myself in her. My heart felt like it was bursting with emotions. Emotions I felt only for the first time in my life.
“I love you.” She whispered to me.
I took a deep breath and took in her sweet familiar scent. I love you too. I wanted to say but I when I opened my mouth, no words came out.
Then I saw tears in her eyes. Her soul was visible in them. She was sad. And I felt an unfamiliar feeling inside me. Like I wanted to comfort her and make everything right again. So she could smile that sweetest smile for me again. I felt like I wanted to kill anybody who would put tears to her eyes. She doesn’t deserve to cry. She was too beautiful to be miserable. I f
elt like I would do anything to make her happy.
“Come back to me, Ryder.” I heard her whisper. And I felt my heart shatter at that very instant. I wanted to tell her that I would come home soon. That she should wait for me. I wanted to wrap my arms around her again, see the love in her violet eyes shine for me. But when I reached out, there was only darkness. She was gone. But her scent lingers in my arms. Her memory faded into darkness. And all of a sudden, I feel empty and broken.
I opened my eyes. Light streams from the window. And I realized that it was just a dream. I dreamt of a woman. Who she was, I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t remember her face. Only her violet eyes. And the memory of her scent still lingers with me. I remember how I felt when I held her. It was like I was home. I haven’t felt like that before. Weak and yet it seemed like I was the strongest I could be. Different, and yet complete. Lost and yet, there was nowhere else I wanted to be.
The door opened, bringing me back to reality. My sister was staring back at me with a hard look on her face. I took a deep breath. I realized that the scent of the woman in my dreams still lingers with me. I closed my eyes for a moment, and for a while, I thought I remembered that scent. It seems familiar to me. But I can’t remember why. What does that scent remind me of? Or maybe I should ask, who?
“She was here.” Paris said, walking towards the side of my bed. “We told her to stay away for a while, but she just couldn’t help herself.”
I stared back at her and her face was the same as it always was. Stoic. Paris is good at hiding her emotions. She’s actually good at hiding many things. But she just doesn’t know that I know almost all of the things she tries to keep to herself. She doesn’t know that I know underneath her sweet, haughty princess façade, is a rebel on fire.
Like right now, I know she is raging with anger. She was just better at keeping her emotions on check than I am. And for a woman, that’s a very admirable trait. I pity the guy who would one day try to win her heart. I pity the guys my father try to set up to be her husband. They all fell to her feet and not one of them actually became successful at making her fall in love.
Paris is a hopeless romantic. Not many people knew that. She’s had boyfriends before and have fallen in love more than once, but after a heartbreak or two, it looked like she just gave up. Her more important mission now, it seems, is to prove to my father that he could never manipulate her into marrying a man he chose for her. And for years, she’s always been successful. Until now, he worries for her future. He wasn’t always there for her. And I think he feels guilty for that. He wanted the best for her daughter, and he wanted to make sure she would marry well. The last thing we want is a scumbag who would use her and squander the wealth that was hers from the moment she was born.
“Did you see her?” She asked.
I shook my head.
“Good.” She murmured. Finally, somebody who was on my side.
“It was right for you guys to tell her to stay away from me.” I said. “Permanently.”
Paris raised a brow at me. Anger flared in her beautiful green eyes again. “Oh, I’m sorry bro. I think you misunderstood me. I wasn’t asking her to stay away from you for your own good. It’s for her own.”
I stared back at her, seriously confused. I thought this girl looked up to me like I was her hero.
“From the moment you woke up, all you did was crush that poor girl’s spirit, Ryder! The old you wouldn’t be so ruthless.” She said. “I can’t stand on the sidelines and watch you beat her over and over again. That’s why I wanted her to stay away until… you’re you again.”
Oh great! So now Astrid got to my baby sister too. What is it about that woman?
“Paris… there’s no point fighting about this okay? Aren’t you glad that at least you still have a brother?” I asked.
Guilt crossed her face. And then she sat down on the bed beside me. She sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I am glad that you’re back. I just… hope you would be your old happy self again.”
“I am happy.” I said.
She shook her head. “No, you’re not, Ry.” She sighed. “I saw you that morning of the day of the accident. You were… in heaven. You talk like you can’t believe what was happening to you. There’s a permanent smile on your face, and your eyes were sparkling like you’re mad.” She smiled bitterly at the memory. “That’s happiness, Ryder. When I saw you that morning, it made me wish…” She swallowed back a sob. “It made me wish I could fall in love again. That I could smile like an idiot like you were. The first time you saw me, you gave me a hug, lifted me off my feet and spun me around like I was still six years old. I knew that you really were happy.”
I listened to her in shock. The person she described wasn’t me at all. What did I smoke that day?
“Was I high?” I asked.
She giggled. “No, you idiot.” She said. “You just came back from Malibu. And you told me you were actually thinking of flying back there in the evening. I thought you were crazy for even thinking you could go back and forth from Manhattan to Malibu everyday!”
“Okay, I thought you said I wasn’t stoned. Because that doesn’t sound like something a sane person would do.”
“Yes, you were crazy, Ryder. You were crazy in love with Ash.” Paris said sadly.
I felt overwhelming sadness filled me all of a sudden. I can’t understand it. But at that moment, I felt miserable. As if I remembered feeling all the things that Paris said, but even before I try to grasp on to that feeling, it was gone. And for that, I suddenly felt angry. I don’t know why. I don’t even know who I was mad at.
“Paris, please.” I whispered. “Could you leave me be for a while?” I asked, turning away from her and closing my eyes.
I heard her deep sigh of frustration. And then she headed towards the door and closed it behind her.
There is no doubt in my mind that I wanted Astrid. I could feel desire reel through me at the mention of her name. But at the same time, I can’t remember feeling all the things that my sister and my friends were saying to me. I can’t feel the love they desperately wanted me to remember. Lust is different from love.
And the lunatic my sister described to me was not me at all. Did I become a whole different person because of her? I like being me. I’m happy being me. I’m contented with my life. I don’t need to change for a woman. Moreover, I don’t need to be weak because of her.
For years I have been careful not to fall in love. Love means weakness. And I can’t bear the thought of being weak… not even for one second. I can’t bear to have another person have full control of my life, or my emotions. I built a God damn shield to keep feeling emotions that would lead to my fall someday.
I don’t know the guy my friends and my sister kept describing me as. That was not me. That guy is an idiot! He sounded like he’s ready to give up everything he worked hard for, his wealth and his life and hand it to a woman on a silver platter.
There was only one woman I would have wished for if ever I would fall in love at all. A woman who would love me even if I wasn’t Ryder Van Woodsen. Somebody who wants me even if I don’t have money in my pocket. But reality check! My family was too popular, my name always rang a bell. I was probably one of the most eligible bachelors in the city, even in the country, I was easily recognizable and wanted. By wanted I didn’t mean, women really wanted me. They wanted the heir of the Van Woodsen multi-million empire.
No. It’s impossible to find a woman who would really like me for who I am. She doesn’t exist. I could only hope to marry well to ensure the family wealth stays intact and my wife does not use her status to extort me for all I was worth. That was the plan. I was okay with that. That was my reality.
But my friends were telling me differently. How the hell did I let go of all I believe in for a woman? How the hell did that woman get through my shield?
Maybe it’s a good thing that I lost my memory. Because I have been given a chance to undo this foolishness without the complications of the so-
called-undying-love I apparently have for her.
Ch
apter Twenty-Six
BRIDAL REGISTRY:
A log of the couple’s gift preferences aimed at making it easier for wedding guests to shop for gifts for the couple.
Astrid.
I went to the hospital every single day. But I never got a chance to see Ryder. The doctors didn’t encourage it until all the tests were done and they were sure about the gravity of his amnesia.
“You should go back to Malibu.” Janis advised. “We’ll keep you posted, when he’s ready to see you.”
I shook my head. “He will at least try to see me, Jan.” I said hopefully. “Maybe if he sees me… it would trigger some memories to come back.”
“We have to do this slowly, Ash.” Jake said. “Only time could help Ryder now.”