Somewhere out there, my Ryder still remembers me… still knows me… still loves me… the way I always will love him.
“I love you Ryder Van Woodsen!” I shouted into the wind, hoping that somewhere in our parallel universe, my Ryder would hear it. The Ryder that vowed to protect me. The Ryder that did not forget about me. The Ryder that would go to hell and back for me…
Words are not enough to describe just how I missed him… just how much I wanted to be with him again.
“Do you really mean that?” A voice suddenly asked behind me.
I jumped up in surprise, completely unaware that I was no longer alone. I turned around and found Ryder standing behind me. He was wearing a pair of cream linen pants and white button down shirt.
He walked towards me, watching me wistfully. He was wearing a sad expression on his face. His eyes had dark circles on them, as if he hasn’t been sleeping lately.
“You’re… you’re okay.” I whispered, relieved to see him released from the hospital.
He nodded. He was standing so close to me, our bodies were almost touching. He pushed back a lock of hair away from my face. He looked at me deeply.
The last time we saw each other, we were wishing each other happiness… without each other. Our happiness no longer exist as one. It was like fighting so hard, and then giving up in the end. But as I looked into his eyes, I could not remember why. I didn’t plan to give up on him. I just needed a break. I did not know how to hold on to him anymore. I needed to compose myself again, to be strong for the both of us.
And then… he came back. I don’t know why. But I was thankful. Because Bryan would have succeeded in tearing me apart if Ryder didn’t come back for me.
I couldn’t help the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I love Ryder so much! If only things have been different between us.
He wiped my tears away and he closed his eyes for a moment. He heaved a frustrated sigh.
Then suddenly, he dropped to his knees in front of me, snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me to him, resting his cheek on my belly.
“I’m sorry, love.” He said. “I’m so… sorry.” His voice was weak, but it carries an intense emotion I could not place. He was crying. “I’m sorry, love.” He kept saying over and over.
Emotions overwhelmed me. He called me ‘love’ again. And I recognized that tone… and the emotions that went with it. I don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear him say that again… the same way he always does.
Hope flickered in my heart. The hope that seemed to have died a long time ago. The hope I didn’t know still existed within me. But I guess it will never go away. I guess, I will always keep on waiting for Ryder to come back to me.
I gently pulled away from him and knelt down in front of him so I can look into his eyes. He looked torn. I have never seen him so broken before.
“What… what are you saying sorry for?” I asked him quietly.
He took a deep breath. He cupped my face between his hands and looked at me deeply. Then in a broken voice, he replied, “For not coming home to you that day… for making you wait this long… and for hurting you in between.”
My heart literally stopped, as well as my breathing.
Tears were rolling down Ryder’s face. And when he said those words, I know… that I know this man. The man that I lost… the man that I prayed would come back to me.
I reached out and touched his cheek with my palm. He turned sideways and kissed it.
“I’m sorry.” He said. “If you will never forgive me, I would understand. Damn! I find it so hard to forgive myself.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry… for all the hurtful things I ever said to you… the things I accused you of… that were not true. The pain I deliberately caused you… for justifying all the reasons why you didn’t want to be with me in the first place.
“I’m sorry, Astrid. You know I would never… never… for the life of me, hurt you, after all that you’ve been through. It’s just…” He trailed off. He looked up and as if he was praying to somebody. “I don’t know why fate played with us like this!” He stared at me again.
He reached up and held my neck. Then he pulled me to him, resting his forehead against mine. “I meant to come home to you that day. I wanted to surprise you. I couldn’t last another night without you in my arms. I was so excited to go home, knowing that it will be the first time that I will open the front door, and you will be there… for real… because you are mine… and because you live in that house as much as I do.”
He paused for a while, tears rolling down his cheeks. I couldn’t help my tears too. My heart breaks as he tells me the story that I was meant to hear months ago… had he not gotten into an accident.
He took a deep breath and continued, “I’m sorry I didn’t make it. And I’m so sorry I came back as someone else! I’m sorry for all the hurtful words that I said… for all the things that I did. That I forced you out of your office, out of your apartment… that I made things difficult for you.
“God I’m even sorry I went out with Alizia, even if I sort of walked out on her in the middle… I shouldn’t have been there in the first place! I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to get to know you… to remind me who were in my life. That I realized too late that amnesia or no amnesia… you are my life!” He pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. “I love you so much, Astrid. You were the last person on earth I would ever want to forget! And the last person I would even think of hurting.”
I couldn’t say anything. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, I couldn’t stop crying.
I feel happy and broken at the same time. I have waited for this. For months, I waited for Ryder to come back to me, for him to remember me again. And at the same time, I felt heartbroken for him… to see him torn, broken and desperate.
In truth, none of these were our fault. Ryder didn’t choose to forget me. And if he had a choice he would have gone home to me the day he got into an accident. We would have been making love these past few months instead of tearing each other apart.
He cupped my face between his palms again. “If… if you choose to leave me, I would understand. I will not hold it against you. I know I have hurt you beyond belief, when I promised you that I will always protect you. So, if you choose to leave me, I will set you free, Astrid.”
He leaned his forehead against mine again, struggling to find the right words to say. He took a deep breath.
“But if you will still accept me, I will… make it up to you for the rest of our lives. I will try my best to make you forget what a monster I have been the past few months. I will make you remember who I really am… the man who is so in love with you and… the man who will go to hell and back for you.”
I broke down after hearing him say those words again, like he used to in the past.
I am Ryder Van Woodsen, the man who will go to hell and back for you.
And I knew that I really have my Ryder back.
He pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. They were welling up with tears. He looks remorseful… broken… and scared out of his wits. He looks like a man who is afraid that he is about to lose everything.
“The decision is yours to make, love.” He said. “Although I am praying… So. Hard… That you choose the last option.”
In spite of my tears, I giggled. Tears kept streaming down my cheeks and I couldn’t find my voice.
I stared back at him. I know what my answer is going to be. There was never another option for me. Ryder with amnesia may deserve a slap or two… but that’s not who he is anymore. This Ryder now… is the man I desperately hoped will come back to me.
“I love you, Ryder.” I whispered. “I will not go through life asking myself what could have been if I chose to stay with you. And I know… if fate had been fair to us… you would never hurt me.”
He smiled. Relief washed over him. Tears were still streaming down his face. “Oh, love!” And he crushed me into his arms, holding me as if he will never let me go ag
ain. His lips came down to mine and he gave me one passionate kiss that felt like he was kissing me for the first time. That kiss said everything I wanted to know. It envelopes a million emotions that he cannot put into words. And I know he meant what he said… that he will spend the rest of our days making it up to me… making me forget the things he never meant to do.
Then he pulled away from me gently, and stood up on his feet, pulling me with him.
“I love you so much, Ash.” He said. “Even when my mind has forgotten about you, my heart never stopped beating for you. The minute I laid eyes on you at the hospital, I felt something for you… but I didn’t know what it was. So I resorted to being defensive… pushing you away instead of knowing who you really were in my life, and discovering the many reasons why I was so in love with you.”
I giggled. “And now, do you remember all those reasons?”
He smiled ruefully. “I realized it even before I got my memory back.” He said. “I came back to John’s house to tell you that… I love you… that I am in love with you… with or without my memories of you. I was going to convince you that we didn’t need those memories to be happy… because we can always create new and happier ones together. I came back to convince you that I’m still the man you fell in love with. That fact has not changed.”
“And thank God you came back! At that exact moment.” I said in between tears. “Otherwise, Bryan would have succeeded in what he came there to do.”
He leaned his forehead against mine and took a deep breath. “And I would have killed him.” He said and I knew he meant that.
I leaned forward and kissed his lips. “Thank you, Ryder!” I whispered. “You never fail. Even when you have forgotten me, you were still there to protect me and save me.”
He raised his fingers to the bandage at the top of my brow. “I wasn’t fast enough.”
“But I made it out in one piece.” I said. “And that’s all that matters.”
He stared at me for a moment, then he pushed a lock of stray hair away from my face.
“Ash?”
“Hmm?”
“If ever I forget you again, please hit me in the head… no matter how many times it takes… until I regain my memories of you, okay?” I giggled at that. “Keep in mind that if it were up to me… I would never, ever want to lose you… not even in my memories. I would always want to remember you.”
That made me cry even more. I giggled in spite of my tears and then I nodded.
He pulled me to him again into a tight hug. “Astrid…” He whispered, breathing in the scent of me. “I love you so much.”
I took a deep breath, resting my head on his shoulders. I realized just how much I missed doing this, holding him in my arms like this, feeling the warmth and comfort that he brings.
“I love you too, Ryder.”
He pulled away from me and looked at me deeply. Then he leaned forward and kissed my lips gently. It was one kiss, but it lasted longer than it should. Both of us savoring the love wrapped around it.
Then he inhaled the scent of me and whispered against my lips, “Let’s go home, love.”
I almost burst from happiness. I know… it may be a few months too late… but I was very happy to hear him say those words again.
Ryder put his arm around my shoulders and led me back to Adam’s house.
Adam was on his couch. He stared up and looked at my swollen eyes, and then at Ryder’s.
“I’ll go get some stuff.” I said to Ryder, pulling away from him.
Adam’s brow shot up. He stood up from the couch.
“Where do you think you’re going?” He asked me. His tone and expression is every bit protective and big brotherly. And I had to smile at the thought, because after all these years of hating Adam, I never thought we would love each other this much now. And in a way, it’s one other good thing that came out of what Bryan and Geena did to me.
“Adam… I’m going to stay with Ryder for a while.” I said, smiling at him reassuringly.
“Actually she’s going to stay with me for good.” Ryder corrected me.
Adam shot Ryder a warning look and Ryder gave him a slight nod.
Men! How can they understand each other without even talking?
“I have the papers ready for you to sign.” Adam said to him.
“What papers?” Ryder asked.
“The papers that officially say you pulled out of Astrid’s company and that she bought you out.” Adam replied.
Ryder’s face stiffened. He took a deep breath. “Oh. That!” Then he shook his head. “I’m not gonna sign that.” He said.
I stared at him. “But Ryder... I told you that I’m not going to change my mind about giving you the check.”
He looked at me. Even though it seems we are about to argue again, I can see the difference now. This Ryder still looks at me with tenderness and love, even though we don’t always agree with each other. And silently, I thank the heavens again for helping him find his way back to me.
“And I told you that I’m not going to change my mind about not accepting it.” Ryder said. He turned to Adam. “I’m not going to pull out my money. I want you to draw up some papers stating that Astrid has majority ownership. Give me ten percent share, I don’t really care. That company is hers, but I will not pull out my investment there.” He said firmly.
“We’ll have a surplus of cash. We don’t need that.” I told him. Even after I return Adam’s money, there will still be a lot of cash that we don’t seem to need, especially now that we have transferred into a smaller office and operational costs are going to be lower.
Ryder stared at me with a solemn expression on his face. He took a deep breath. “Maybe it’s time you seriously think about branching out in Manhattan, love. We were having this discussion a couple of months back. Maybe it’s time we visit that conversation again.”
In his eyes, I can see that he really wanted me to do it. And after all that we have been through… after losing him for a few months, and finding him again… he can ask me to branch out in Timbuktu and I still would say yes!
“Guess you’re really back, Van Woodsen.” Adam said to him. “Don’t hurt Astrid again or I swear, you won’t get away with it next time.”
Ryder reached out and extended his hand to Adam. “If I do, you’re welcome to kick my ass.”
Adam nodded, shook Ryder’s hand and then he looked at me. “When you two finally decide on this, give me a call and I’ll get the papers done.”
After about an hour of packing my stuff, we finally got to Ryder’s house. He stepped inside and pulled me with him. He looked into my eyes and said, “Welcome home, love.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. This house held too many memories for Ryder and me… memories that Ryder lost for a while. Memories that I thought he will never recover.
I stared up at him and then I lunged forward and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me back. Then he bent down and swooped me off my feet and carried me to the bedroom.
We didn’t speak, but we showed each other how much we missed each other… how happy we are that we’re back to where we were five months ago. We lost ourselves in the passion of our lovemaking.
The last time we were together, it was different. It was like raging emotions, dark, sad and daring. That lovemaking was like finally giving in after fighting for so long, and then savoring the stolen moments of heaven regardless of the consequences that we will face in the morning.
This lovemaking… felt just as passionate, but without confusion and sadness… and without any trace of doubt. This felt right… like every step we took in our entire lives has led us to this... has lead us back to each other.
I screamed his name when I reached my peak and at the same time I felt his body rock within me. My eyes were wet with tears, as the emotions threaten to overwhelm me. When I looked at Ryder, I saw that his eyes were teary too. He leaned forward and kissed me.
“I love you, Astrid.” He said solem
nly. “And I never want to forget that again.”
“Thank you, Ryder.” I said in between our kisses. “Thank you for finding your way back to me.”
We lied in bed for a while, locked in each other’s embrace, feeling each other’s warmth, savoring the feeling of being together again. Both of us are afraid to let go, because this could all just be a dream that we do not want to wake up from.
Then finally, I propped up on my elbow and asked, “Are you hungry?”
“Yes.” He replied. I can hear laughter in his voice.
I sat up and started gathering my clothes. “I’ll cook.” I said.
But he pulled me back to bed. “You can’t.” He said.