And worse… because of all that… I only ended up wanting her even more!
***
I knew I was crying even before I opened my eyes. I couldn’t help all the tears even if I tried.
Light flooded into the room, but it has already flooded into my brain even before I woke up. It felt like I have been sleeping in the dark. I was trapped there and I was struggling to find my way out before I entirely mess up my life… before I regret every single thing that I was doing.
Astrid. My love. My life.
I remember her now. Every single bit of her.
I remember that I was on my way to the airport that day. I just finished meeting my real estate agent in Manhattan. I was not supposed to come back to Malibu yet. But God, I couldn’t get enough of her. I wanted to sleep with her in my arms that night! And me showing up in our house that evening will be a pleasant surprise for her. I know she wouldn’t be happy that I was stretching my limits and spending too much on flights, but I know she would be happy to see me.
Astrid is driving my car. Living in my house. Our house. I warmed up to the thought.
I wanted nothing else but to have her move in with me to Manhattan. But until she’s ready, I will patiently wait. Because I meant what I said, I will never hurt her. She has to trust me and love me completely. And I will make her ‘ever after’ come true.
And then I felt the impact of the crash. Everything turned dark. And when I opened my eyes again, it was like I was thrown back to the past. And I have no recollection of the beautiful woman who my friends and my family referred to as the love of my life.
I remembered my conversation with Jake.
“I can’t love somebody I do not know, genius! That’s just the way I am. I will not fall for a woman that easily. She must have… I don’t know… given me a love potion or something. I am telling you. That woman is no different from the rest. She’s with me because she wants the life that I can give her. She’s already manipulated me… and you!”
“Ryder, when that cloud in your brain goes away, I want you to repeat this conversation over and over in your head and you will realize just how much I wanted to punch you right now! In fact, I believe when you do get better, the first thing you would want to do is to kill yourself!” And Jake walked out on me.
And God, was he right! I wanted to hit myself with anything… just so I would feel the pain. Because I deserve it! I deserve a good whack in the head for everything I said about her… everything I said and did to her.
I promised her I would never hurt her! But right now, I can’t help but hate myself for the painful words I ever said to her.
“I don’t trust you. How the hell you made me fall in love with you, I do not know. How you made me put my money on your business, I am also not sure. You must be really good in bed. I am usually not the type of man who would fall under a woman’s spell. And I stay away from girls like you.”
“I don’t know you well enough to judge you. But the last thing I want is to end up with a mercenary slut who is only using me to gain access to my bank accounts!”
God! She must have really wanted to kill me. I wanted to kill myself!
Mercenary slut?
That was the most ridiculous and most inappropriate description for Astrid.
One, she’s not a gold-digger. The only thing that stood between us was my money. If I was Ryder, the bartender, we would have been together a long time ago. But I was Ryder Van Woodsen. And she had this stupid idea in her head that people would judge her and look down at her if she’s with me.
Boy was she right! She was judged, alright. She was looked down on. By me! I was the first one to judge her, because she confuses me. Because I was trying my best to fight my unexplainable need and attraction for her.
Slut?
It’s so funny, she must have been rolling on the floor laughing if she was not busy getting insulted by the word.
Astrid was a virgin when I took her. And she had not been with any man… except for me. I was her only one. I should have realized how lucky that made me. If it weren’t for me, she would have been pure… innocent. And I had the guts to imply that she slept around to get to men’s pockets!
I devised a way to help her back on her feet. Because I really did believe in her, I believed in what she could do. The idea of investing on her company was all me. I approached her cousin to help me out.
Her company was one of the things that made her happy and I took that away too, knowing that pulling my investment will cripple her. But I didn’t care!
Just as I helped her get up, I crushed her. I was taking away her spirit, after I took away her happiness… which I know now is… me.
God, she loved me. And I hurt her in more ways than I could imagine. She didn’t want to trust me. But I made her. I made her fall in love with me. And in less than a week after she took a chance in me, she lost me.
It would have been better if I died in that accident. At least, she would live knowing that I loved her. She would always remember how much I care for her, how much of myself I was willing to give to protect her. She would have gone on with her life knowing that she owns my heart, and that if love was enough for the two of us, I would always be beside her, making love to her, protecting her, making her laugh, and promising to make her ‘ever after’ come true.
But what happened to us was worse than death. It tore us apart, when death would have been unable to do that.
I broke her heart. I insulted her. I looked down at her. I called her names she didn’t deserve. I did all that after promising her that I would never hurt her. After asking her to trust me.
She must have been worried sick when she heard about the accident. She must have feared losing me. I can imagine the tears she cried while I was at the operating room. And when she would have been relieved that I was out of danger, I open my mouth and fling insult after insult at her.
God, I hate myself! Jake was right. Hand me a gun, I want to kill myself!
I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring. I stared up the ceiling, as if looking at the heavens. In my mind, I was shouting, “Why? Why did you do this to us?!”
And if I realized a second too late, that I was in love with her again, I could have been too late to save her from Bryan.
I saw a different Bryan that day. Before, he only looked like a man who lost the woman he loves to a better man. He felt small, jealous and remorseful. The Bryan that attacked Astrid was a maniac who is determined to take what he thought was his no matter what it takes. He was determined to destroy the one thing he wanted but could not have.
And I swear to God, I want to kill him for almost succeeding.
The door opened and Jake stepped inside the room. I wiped the tears on my eyes, trying my best not to let him see what I was doing. But it’s pointless. Jake is a shrink. And moreover, he’s my best friend.
“You okay?” He asked.
I shook my head. “No.”
He smiled apologetically. “I thought so.”
“How long have I been out?” I asked.
“Doctors kept you out for three days. That would give you better chances of healing.” He replied. “And I guess I don’t have to tell you the results of your test. You already know that.”
I took a deep breath and I nodded slowly.
“Where is she?” I asked. “How is she doing?” I was almost afraid of his answer.
“They sent her home yesterday.” He said. “She got away with a few stitches on her forehead, and on her wrist and a couple of bruises. But she’ll be okay.”
I was relieved that she got away from Bryan without a serious damage. But I know that the damage I caused her was far more difficult to remedy… and will take more time to heal.
“She was here. The moment she was well enough to stand up and walk, she’s been here beside you.” Jake said. “She was told that you came in just in time to save her.”
“Does she know… about the results?”
Jake shook his head
. “No. We never told anybody anything. I figured that’s your job. And her friends weren’t sure whether you really got your memories back. They didn’t want to tell her anything… give her false hopes that you finally remembered her.”
I sighed. “Okay. Get me out of here as soon as you can. I have a hell of a mess to fix.”
Jake smiled at me. “I know how you feel right now. I know you want to kill yourself now that you remember everything, and realize what we have been telling you for months.”
I laughed humorlessly. “It’s a good thing you didn’t leave me with a gun.”
Jake reached out and squeezed my right shoulder. “It will be alright, mate. If anybody can fix this, it’s you.”
I hope that Jake was right. I hope that I can still fix this. I silently prayed… so hard… that it’s not yet too late.
Chapter Thirty-Six
PRESENT:
A moment or period in time perceptible as intermediate between past and future; The period between Yesterday and Tomorrow… Today.
Astrid.
It’s been almost a week since I got out of the hospital. I got away just fine with some stitches on my forehead, just above my left brow. My wrist was also stitched up as apparently, I landed on broken pieces of glass when Bryan banged my head on the kitchen counter.
Ryder was still at the hospital. Apparently, he took a couple of blows for me when he came to my rescue. And I know his condition could get worse because of that. I was getting worried sick. The last time they kept him out to let his brain recuperate, he woke up not even remembering who I was.
I cannot believe the nightmare I was going through. This has been a hell of a year for me. It started when Bryan and Geena stole my wedding… then I got up and rose above the shit hole they put me through… I built my own company… I met the most wonderful man… I fell in love the way I could not even imagine before… then I lost that man… I broke my heart again a hundred times worse than the last time… and then I almost got raped and murdered by my ex-fiancé.
When I woke up in the hospital, I was hysterical. I knew Bryan wanted something from me, something he didn’t get. I tried to put up a fight. But sadly, I was not strong enough. Plus the fact that he no longer has a moral bone in his body made it even more difficult for me to fight him.
I got knocked out and darkness took over me. I was so scared that Bryan had succeeded in his evil plans. If he did, I don’t know how I would live afterwards. Perhaps I would wish that he should have just killed me. I would have welcomed that. Anyway, what have I got to lose? I already lost the person I live for… the person I love the most.
But my friends calmed me down and told me that Bryan did not succeed at all. As soon as he knocked me out, Ryder broke the door down and saved me. And then he beat Bryan to the pulp.
Ryder saved me again.
Even if he is not the same Ryder who loved me a couple of months back, he still hasn’t lost his touch. He is still my rescuer, my knight in shining armor.
I tried to visit him in the hospital after I got out, but Jake told me that he is keeping Ryder’s visitors out. They didn’t want to tell me what’s wrong with him. He just said that they’re running tests and it’s better if he didn’t have visitors for the time being.
I hope he doesn’t end up worse than he was before. Yes, we did sort of break up. But he’s still the man I love. And even if he didn’t want me in his future anymore, I would still want him to live… and I wanted him to live a happy life… the way he would have been happy with me if he didn’t forget our life together.
I love Ryder. I guess I always will. And my heart will forever break when I remember that I got erased from his memories. I will forever question fate for being so unfair.
Everything that he said and did to me… he would not have done that if he knew who I was… if he had the background of our history together. No, Ryder, will never hurt me.
However, he’s not the same man anymore. He didn’t know me. And it wasn’t his fault that I got lost somewhere in his past and he couldn’t see the real me. I know that if he didn’t lose his memories of me, he would still be beside me… loving me… making my ‘ever after’ a reality.
I know I will forever have this yearning for the man who left for Manhattan that day, telling me over and over how much he loved me, and asking me to wait for him because he’ll be back for me sooner than I thought.
That was the last…
The last time he will ever tell me that he loves me. The last time I will ever feel that love really did exist in my life… that ‘ever after’ didn’t seem so far away.
I left John’s house. I didn’t want to remember what Bryan did to me there. And John is getting it fixed anyway. That nightmare with Bryan left him with damaged furniture and broken plates and vases.
I wanted to pay him for all the damages but he refused saying, “I’m just glad you are okay, Ash. I’m glad Van Woodsen came back for you. I would have been too late.”
Bryan was also taken to the hospital. He suffered from broken bones, and his face was in bad shape. He didn’t look good. But perhaps that will make him stop cheating on Geena for a while.
He will be taken to jail as soon as he is well enough to go out of the hospital. Adam was more than furious with him. He filed several cases of physical injury on my behalf. He also applied for restriction order against Bryan. He is no longer allowed to come within a hundred meter radius from me.
Adam told me that he already warned Bryan that should he file a case against Ryder for beating him up, he would lose that case. Ryder is my boyfriend, and it’s only natural that he defends me against him. I don’t think Bryan will have the guts to go for it though. He would be nuts to go against Ryder Van Woodsen, especially if I will be there to testify against him.
Adam actually fired my telemarketer, Rose. He did give her a good severance pay, but he wanted nothing to do with her. I told Adam that wasn’t necessary. Rose didn’t know who Bryan was, and what he did to me. Bryan used her. But for Adam, Rose shouldn’t be babbling about her boss’s life to strangers at all. And he didn’t want somebody like that in my company. Although I own the company now, I have to admit that Adam has special rights there. He helped me build it and he loaned me almost half of the money I used to buy Ryder out.
Even if I didn’t want to tell my family what really happened, it could not be hidden from them. Geena must have been devastated to find out about it. First off, her husband was cheating on her. And then for him to even think and plan the things he did meant he was not yet over me… in spite of him being married to her… and having a family with her. Then lastly… she was married to a monster. And she deserved more than that.
And even though I hated Geena for what she did to me, I cannot help but feel sorry for her. She was trying to make it work… make the most out of the hand she’s been dealt with. But maybe she just wasn’t lucky enough. It only got from bad to worse. And I also could not imagine how Uncle Jack feels. Geena was his little girl.
When I got out of the hospital, I stayed with my parents for a couple of days. But I needed to get back to work. There are happily engaged couples who still needed my services and whose marriage will not be cancelled regardless of what happened to me.
When Adam found out that I was headed back, he insisted I stay with him again. I haven’t fully recovered yet and he wanted to keep an eye on me. He’s really sweet. And I will always be thankful that I have him. We may not be related by blood, but now, he’s more a cousin to me than Geena is.
I was walking on the beach in front of Adam’s house again. This has been my hobby for the last few days. Walking by the beach, listening to the sound of the waves, silently praying for the ocean to take away my misery.
Ryder and I were breaking up that day. No matter what I did, he will never remember me. I wanted him to come back as soon as he drove away. Even though he came back a few minutes too late, I will still forever be glad that he did.
I looked over the horiz
ons in the beach. Back there, the clouds looked so tranquil… with no trace of grief or turmoil.
Sometimes, I’d like to imagine that somewhere within those horizons, in a different dimension, lies Ryder and me. Making love. He never forgot about me. He couldn’t tell me enough how much he loves me, and how he wants to build a future with me.
“Every queen needs a prince or princess in her ever after too, doesn’t she?” I remember him saying. And I giggled and cried at the same time. Those memories were bittersweet.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. It seems like ages ago, and yet it was only a couple of months back.
I would like to think that my Ryder was just there… hidden beneath the clouds, waiting for me to come to him…