‘That will be a waste of time, considering what I’ve been going through in the past few months.’
‘Well, I don’t know.’ He shrugged.
They sat there for sometime in silence. After ten minutes, Natasha announced. ‘I think I might need a bit of rest. Maybe that might help clear my head a little.’
‘Ok’ he answered noncommittally. She shuffled her way to the bedroom. A moment later the door opened.
‘I’m going to play a little tennis,’ Sipeyiye said from the door. ‘If you…’ he chewed at the words. Then, ‘If you want, you can join me.’
Natasha considered this. If you can… If you want. . Was there a difference now that she was HIV positive? Damn, her mind was working overtime, giving importance to things that didn’t matter.
‘I think I better remain behind. My body and my soul are hardly together.’ she said after a while.
He swung the door open and moved closer to the bed. He sat on the edge and pulled the sheets down to her shoulders.
‘I understand your worries,’ he said slowly. ‘But please do me a favour. Can you loosen up a little and try to cheer up? I don’t think there is anything that is going to change our lives as long as we have each other.’
She nodded. He gazed down at her and left the room. She heard the ignition start off after sometime. Sipeyiye always had some extra reserves of energy when he was stuck, although he didn’t know it himself. Unfortunately, the energy wasn’t directed at solving problems, but at forgetting them. He would be probably drunk the time he returns.
In the thick silence of her room, Natasha could hear the high-pitched voices of children playing outside. She could pick out the voice of Manata among them.
It was nearly noon, and she knew it was time she prepared lunch for him, so she rose and made her way to the kitchen.
Sipeyiye wouldn’t believe her. This did not surprise her. He was in denial and would be like that for a while. The news had hit him with the force of a tornado. All he could think of was getting out of the house as if that would change anything.
‘Natasha, you’re awake?’ he asked as he slipped into the blankets in the evening.
‘Yes, I’m.’
‘Can we possibly go for another test tomorrow?’ he suddenly asked. Alright, that was what was on his mind.
‘Just as you say.’
With that, he flicked off the bedside lamp and turned his back on her to sleep, only that he didn’t. All night he was tossing and turning, tossing and turning. No matter what he did sleep evaded him.
Sometime during the night he flung the blankets away and turned on the light. He tried to read the newspaper, which he always kept beside the bed, to no avail. He even left the room. Natasha heard him uncorking a bottle of wine. Then she heard the crackle and the effervescence of liquid poured into glass. That’s what is to be expected when the mind is in turmoil.
It hurt her to see him troubled that she couldn’t sleep herself. She lay awake in the glow of the moonlight and then in the intense darkness of early morning.
He left the blankets earlier than normal. Natasha could smell the frying eggs and bacons as he prepared their breakfast. Natasha couldn’t help thinking that it was nearly a day now since they had exchanged words with a smile. The atmosphere was just tense as they walloped their food. What they didn’t make out in speech, they made up in speed.
‘Well then,’ he blurted, ‘I think I should be at work in the morning. Can we go there at twelve, if that’s ok with you?’ His voice was knotted. ‘There’ meant the hospital, of course. He was talking of the test alright. She was slightly unnerved by his stern appearance. Well, there wasn’t anything wrong with having a bit of hope.
‘Don’t bother about me,’ she said dismissively. She hadn’t intended to make it sound so grimy.She was worried by the way he was getting worked out.
He cast a quick glance at her but didn’t say anything.
They went for the doctor in the afternoon. By twelve o’clock they were at the General hospital. They were told to check their results the following day. But it wasn’t the two of them who had the test, only she. Somehow, this showed Sipeyiye’s primitive side, the inconsiderate part that had no sympathy for her feelings. In a way, he was already putting the blame on her. Actions speak louder than words! They should have done this together.
They returned the following day to take her results. Her results, of course, showed that she was positive. Whatever little hope Sipeyiye had was gone now, and there was no misting it. They drove back in silence. Not exactly silence maybe, because Sipeyiye was talking to himself behind the wheel.
And he was to be the father of the child inside her. A poor distracted man!
The evening passed in an equally painful silence. By then Sipeyiye had become downright outrageous at Manata, and even in his phone conversations. He shouted at the boy for minor things like not bringing a drying towel at the table, and it burnt her heart. He tried still to remain calm with her, but that didn’t disguise anything especially when Natasha was able to figure out that the boy hadn’t done anything wrong. It was Natasha, just like any woman on earth, who had brought the infection here.
Men forget that their mistakes are no worse than those of women. It takes two to contract the disease.
Chapter 44
By evening, the place had become too hot. Natasha excused herself and entered the bathroom. She turned the tap on, but sat on the floor and began to cry.
But unfortunately, she had forgotten to lock the door. It was suddenly yanked open. She sighed when she realized it wasn’t Sipeyiye, but Manata.
Natasha quickly swiped her eyes with her hand. It was too late, and Manata had seen the tears alright.
He came closer. ‘What’s it?’ he asked.
‘Nothing, nothing really. Never mind.’ She forced a smile.
He squatted before her and searched her eyes. They were damp and there was no way he wasn’t going to see it. He pinned her in a glare, and she was surprised by his strength.
‘You ‘re crying,’ he said..
Lying again was going to make her look stupid. And her fear now was that Sipeyiye was going to know it. She wasn’t prepared for it. Not yet!
‘Never mind.’
But he slid his arm around her neck. He might have leant it when he was left to mind the baby. He dug his hand into his shirt and started dabbing her eyes. The lean hands... The innocent eyes... The thin skin... Isn’t that what we need when our world can’t hold anymore? Children can do miracles.
It didn’t seem right for him to do it, but she let him.
‘You don’t tell him this?’ It didn’t seem right too maybe, but he nodded.
Back in the lounge, Sipeyiye still sat slumped in the sofa.
He was grinding his teeth. Well, something like it, because the muscles of his throat kept on rising and falling. She stood behind him.
‘I was just wondering,’ she held back. Then she said what had become her greatest fear. ‘What do with the baby?’
He switched his gaze to her.
‘What about the baby?’
‘Well, we have realized that we’re positive. If it’s abortion, I understand, it has to be quick. They even say that abortion before a certain period isn’t even killing, because we’ll not have started talking about human life then.’
‘Abortion, I say no. You know I need the baby.’ His voice was a bit too high.
‘But…’
‘No, no, no’
‘But…’
Chapter 45
He watched the last of the sun go down in the west. Out of the blue, he was sorry the day was over. It immediately occurred to him that he didn’t have anything to do anymore. The last man who was sitting in the garden chair rose.
‘Sipeyiye, we meet at the bar if you’re coming,’ the man said, outstretching his hand for Sipeyiye to shake.
‘It’s all right.’ He watched him walking off to the hall. A girl joined him. Around six now, an
d the main activities at RIM would be over soon. It would be some thirty minutes before the premises closed.
It had been a fortnight since Natasha had come up with her story. His life had been doomed since then. Natasha, he had never understood. She was too used to having her own way to walk with someone into the future.
Very soon, he would be celebrating his fortieth something birthday. He needed a family.
He needed a tangible future. And what were he and Natasha doing about it, rearing a damn urchin whom they saw on the street?
It became darker and the objects became silhouettes about him. Eventually, the lights began to glow above him. It was still difficult to come to terms with it, but he didn’t want to go home: a place that symbolized everything he had ever dreamt of but which never was. No, he had chosen the wrong girl from the start. Natasha was the cause of all this.
A cold wind swept over him. He might as well leave now for the bar, he thought. That way he would always arrive home when Manata and Natasha were asleep.
‘Sipeyiye.’
He jerked around in reflex. Natasha’s friend, Sue was standing behind him and he hadn’t seen her. Even her instincts were dying!
‘How long have you been here?’ he demanded, offering his hand. She stretched hers as well.
‘Sorry to startle you,’ she apologized.
‘No it’s ok. Any particular reason why you’re here?’
‘No, I just wanted to know whether I possibly can see Natasha. She promised to come. I’m really missing her.’
‘Have you tried the phone?’
‘Yes, but I thought of dropping at your place to see her. How is she doing these days?’
‘Perfectly fine.’
So what she wanted was to drive with him home. Sue didn’t have a car, alright.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘But I won’t be leaving for home until after midnight. I was just about to leave for the bar.’
‘Mm.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Never mind. I might as well join you if you don’t mind. I’ll try to see her tomorrow.’
‘Fine.’
‘No, problem, what’s more, I also wanted to go to the bar. I’ll see her some other day.’
They walked along the marble pavement in silence, beyond the glowing swimming pool and up the stairways.
A lot of things happened that day. For example Sipeyiye discovered that Sue didn’t smell that bad. She would actually recommend cologne to anyone who went after Natasha. He also realized she wasn’t the most difficult girl on earth.
Inside himself, Sipeyiye found that he had become sentimental of late. What he wanted was an easy outlet for his gnarled emotions.
‘Look Sipeyiye, I don’t pry into other people’s lives, but I care about them,’ said Sue as they sipped their drinks in the bar. Her speech was now slightly slurred from having had too much to drink.
‘I understand you,’ he said over the glass of amarula. It was now some time ago since he had last played games with a woman other than Natasha. Sue was velvet dark in complexion. The most interesting features on her though were the eyes that were tear-rimmed. She had bushy eyebrows and long eyelashes. They kept on searching his face suggestively.
‘As it so happens I also care about Natasha and you. Or to put it in other words, I especially care about you two. And I wish you two happiness.’
‘How nice of you.’ He tried to maintain his composure, but he was aware that she had slipped off one of her sandals below the table and was now tapping his leg with her foot.
‘I’m saying this, perhaps you didn’t know.’
He chuckled, but her mouth didn’t crack a smile.
‘I’m serious,’ she glared. ‘Well, I’m suspecting you’re a bit worried and I can prove it.’
‘Go ahead.’ He called for two more glasses of amarula.
‘Well, for a start, you two aren’t moving together these days. There is no life in your life. And some of the things I’ve heard you say break the heart.’
Sipeyiye raised an eyebrow, but quickly checked himself. He was talking to himself at the time she was standing behind him. He couldn’t imagine she already knew of their HIV status, otherwise she would not be talking to him right now.
‘I wish I could do a little more for you,’ she said resignedly as she poured down the last contents of her drink in her mouth.
He thought, yes or no, yes or no? But she didn’t let go just then.
‘And take this.’ She tore a piece of paper from her diary and scribbled her address and number. ‘Reach me when you can,’ she said.
Sipeyiye took it, looked at it briefly and slipped it into his pockets.
‘Can you do that?’
‘I think so.’
‘And did I tell you that you’re awful lonely?’
‘You did.’
‘Well, I can change that. When will that be?’
‘I’ll have to consider it.’
At this Sipeyiye laughed again, called for another two more bottles of beer. ‘You’re drunk, Sue,’ he said
‘Well, tomorrow. Fine?’ She worked so seriously on it. And at this, Sipeyiye was convinced there was far much less that she didn’t know about him.
Chapter 46
It was past midnight when he finally came home. And as always, Natasha and Manata were fast asleep. He wondered why he was still coming here. Natasha and he have since ceased to be lovers. He was slowly making it up, a break up that showed clearly who was right or wrong.
He had reasoned that simply walking away would hurt him more than it would her. As it was now, Natasha seemed to be fully occupied with Manata. But it was still worth all this trouble. By chance maybe, the baby might be HIV negative. And he might grow up to be a big man. And he would be glad. And he would look behind himself and say, hey, there was a moment I had lost all hope in life. And he still loved Natasha and loved her dearly.
Alcohol about him… He took a bath and soaked his clothes in water. He came out in his martial arts suit. In the bedroom, Natasha was sound asleep, curled up and as always, lovable and innocent. The girl had a way, and even while asleep she would still keep her composure. If he ever walked out of her life, her looks were the one thing he would keep.
He headed for the kitchen. His supper was prepared and in the warmer as usual. He had eaten at the restaurant, but it was always his custom to eat again. Continuous exercises always made sure his appetite was second only to that of a hungry lioness.
Just then he noticed a note on the table. It was a paper from a pad and held down by a spoon. He went over it. He couldn’t believe his eyes, so he read again, slowly.
Sipeyiye,
It’s unfortunate we haven’t been seeing each other of late. It’s the most awful when I want to discuss the future of our baby with you. I reason you’re doing it deliberately. Look, 24 hrs is quite some time, so is 7 days. You can’t tell me you can’t squeeze in an hour for me?
All this boils to one thing: we’re slowly breaking apart. And it’s most unfortunate on our baby, who will certainly need the most of love. And who may have one parent, probably not me. It has occurred to me again that I should have abortion.
Wake me up if you want. I may see the doctor tomorrow.
Natasha
He read it again. Sweat prickled his skin. Now, Natasha had gotten him. There wasn’t a thing worse than this. It was death in its purest state.
Could he discuss this and come to a conclusion, he wondered? That was out of the question. There had been rows, but nothing had come out of them. She was beyond redemption. She thinks it’s easy to kill. She would leave her like that. There wasn’t a thing she would do without him.
What she probably wanted was for him to apologize. To tell her that he was wrong. But he wasn’t! She was. And he wasn’t going to do that.
He reached for a smudged paper that he had transferred to martial art suit.
He straightened it and dialled the number.
/> The phone rang for several minutes, and it was finally picked up.
‘Hello.’ Sue’s voice sounded bored.
‘You must be asleep, sorry.’
‘Who’s speaking?’
‘Sipeyiye. Sipeyiye Mohyi’
She giggled at the other end. She had looked so stern in the bar, which was now difficult for Sipeyiye to comprehend. ‘I thought you promised to phone tomorrow,’ she said.
‘It’s already past midnight.’
‘Oh,’
‘Well, can I come over?’
‘Just as you please. Who am I to deny you wherever you want to go?’
He hung up. He opened a bottle of wine and appreciated its power as the alcohol hit his stomach again. On finishing, he went into the night that was already filled with dew.
He couldn’t keep pace with Natasha. He could simply forget for the meantime.
Chapter 47
The note was still there on the table. She had pinned it down with a spoon when she left to sleep. Now the paper had shifted positions slightly, the spoon on its own. Sipeyiye had shifted it all right.
She heard him come in at the earliest moments of dawn. She pretended to be asleep. She heard him coming up to wash. She heard the shower running and she actually peered to see him changed into his suit. He went into the kitchen; that he always did. A brief silence followed which she was sure had everything to do with the note.
And he made a call. She wasn’t able to pick the words, but he had gone out then. He never came back.
That was the man she loved. The father of the child she was carrying.
Her heart skipped a beat.
She massaged her stomach.
There were many reasons the baby shouldn’t live now. Already the world didn’t seem a welcome place for him. At birth he would probably be minus his health and minus his father. What was life going to be like to him? And anything could happen. She might not even be there to stand alongside him.
She had seen so much in life. She had seen children dying at birth. And more she had seen life being imposed on people who didn’t like it. The result: hunger, the streets, prisons, criminals…Welcome to Africa. There was at least one way to let a person live a little less than a wild animal: bear and dump. She had wondered if there was no better place the Creator had prepared that they would rather be in. The difference between her and the rest of the humanity was, she believed that place exists.