But, because Man, when he thinks of the world, he thinks of himself. Like what will I do without that child? Rarely, he thinks, what will the baby do without him.
Selfishness. ..That’s what it is. Natasha wasn’t going back on her plan on abortion.
She prepared breakfast but did not touch her share. It sat there in a tray on the table, untouched. She thought over the whole plan. Maybe, it was Manata who was obscuring her to look at the situation accurately. Maybe she was just disturbed by the loss of Sipeyiye’s love and the loss of her health? Or even revenge?
As a compromise though, she thought she must phone Sipeyiye. ‘Hello, the editor, the Truth.’ His voice sounded businesslike on the other end. She thought she must ignore that.
‘Well, it’s Natasha. How’re you?’
‘Pretty fine. Thanks for phoning.’ His voice was flat and still lacked affection. God, how she missed him! How she wished to see him get over this.
‘I suspect you did come home yesterday.’
‘I did.’ He said it rather too fast, his voice edgy.
‘And you saw the message in the kitchen, that I must have an abortion?’
A stunning silence followed.
She said, ‘because I thought I should go to the hospital today.’
She heard him heaving sigh. It wasn’t only she who was having some extremely hard times.
‘You see, I still want your opinion on this. Well, we might be strangers, but don’t forget there is still a baby between us. I know you were strongly against it, some chapter you didn’t understand in the Holy Bible. But, I don’t think it’s time to hold on to those foolhardy rules. ‘
Still there was no response.
‘And if I should go for the abortion, you know you should be here with me. I need your hand, and I need it badly.
‘No ways,’ he squawked. ‘You have never needed anybody; otherwise you wouldn’t be having that urchin in your house.’
‘Sleep the poor child off, Sipeyiye. We’re talking about the baby.’
‘And you said you want my opinion on the baby?’ He was visibly annoyed.
He didn’t get there alone. She snapped. ‘Yes’
‘I prefer to have nothing to do with that.’ And he slammed the phone in her ears. Natasha couldn’t believe her ears. It couldn’t be Sipeyiye! Was this then the final stage of their breaking up?
If Sipeyiye couldn’t be there, she would simply go ahead with what she had on mind. She was feeling weak. And talking to Sipeyiye had an effect of confusing her the more. Like now, she wasn’t sure whether she should proceed or quit, and that wasn’t her way of doing things.
She entered the bedroom and knelt beside the bed. She said a prayer, and she felt calm thereafter.
Manata, who had finished doing the dishes, had gone out. She followed him. She found him among other children, playing hide and seek. On having told him that she will go to the hospital and having stressed he shouldn’t leave the house, she left. She would have liked to go with him, as he had proved that he was the only and greatest company she had, but thought maybe he would get bored as she away for a longish time.
A painful stack of work lay on the table, but he was already dying to be out. He snatched at the necktie that lay on the table and pulled it around his neck. He heaved himself out of the chair and circled the desk. He took one last look around the office and closed the door.
‘I might not be coming back today.’ He murmured to the secretary as he passed the adjoining room.
She nodded.
Natasha had phoned twenty minutes ago. Bullshit!
How could she do that, even think of it? The child was the only and the last thing they were living for. He had dealt with her just fine. He had refused to have anything to do with it. That will leave her in a dilemma. That would also slow her down a little.
But in a way, she had had a part in spoiling his day. His head was already whirling and he was longing for cool booze. But first, he would see Sue.
Quite a number of people jammed themselves with him as he descended with the lift. Most of them were journalists who greeted him with nervous smiles. He wondered what they thought of him; probably that he was the happiest person on earth.
On the ground, he paced gladly towards his car. His hands were stuck in the pockets, and he directed his gaze to the ground, avoiding the eyes of people.
He stood leaning on the car, enjoying the combined effect of the wind and the sun. There were times he had enjoyed this in Cape Town, at Kariba, in Dar es Salaam with Natasha beside him. It all looked like a dream now, something he couldn’t reach anymore.
He got into the car when he thought it was getting hot. As he started the car, the Pajero spluttered. It stirred a cloud of smoke behind and it turned dead again. He tried it again, now more patiently and careful. There was more smoke emitted, forming a screen about him, but the car went silent again.
He clicked his tongue in disgust, came of the car and made his way to the bonnet.
This thing was getting old, he reflected. A painful number of wires presented themselves on opening the bonnet. He was surprised at how complicated this thing could be when you have only a degree in Media Studies. He fumbled with the wires hoping that by God’s grace, he would find some disconnected wires. He didn’t. All hope shattered, he returned to the car. He started it again, just for the sake of. It came to life, much to his surprise. When he revved it and set it into motion, it obeyed. He thought it was playing tricks with him, but it wasn’t.
‘This thing can be damn funny,’ he said aloud as he drove off.
Natasha sat on a bed, her legs dangling. Blinds had been pulled around her to form a complete enclosure.
This place, the hospital, was where she had first realized she was HIV positive.
The doctors and nurses were friendly. That’s why she had come here for prescriptions, and even for the abortion.
Even if they were not, surely nobody would have expected her to go back o her private doctors, especially now that she couldn’t be going together with Sipeyiye. How embarrassing!
A nurse came in dressed only in white. She checked the instruments above her and all around her, testing them. Contented with their functioning, she went out.
So this was the place her baby was going to die. She said to the baby, ‘I love you. I love you. That’s why I’m doing this.’
The doctor came in at that moment, in a white dustcoat.
‘Eh, Natasha, are you sure you want to do this?’
‘I’m sure I want to do it,’ she whispered.
He enclosed her nose and mouth with a chemical. It took away all her strength and she collapsed into a deep dream.
She had just enough time to say to the baby one more time, ‘I love you.’
Chapter 48
She was slumped back in the couch, legs flung to the coffee table. A pop musical programme hammered on the television, but she wasn’t concentrating. She cradled a glass of amarula in her hand, which she sipped at slowly.
There was a gentle knock at the door. Before she could respond, the door slid open. It was Sipeyiye, and all her nerves screamed. She had seen him here at this time of day for a long time. A stranger in her house! She wondered what had brought him home early today. The last time she had seen him was a fortnight ago.
He slumped himself into the sofa, just opposite her. He was superbly smart, an observation that startled Natasha.
‘Good evening,’ Manata cut in through the silence. Sipeyiye nodded.
‘Well, how are you?’ Sipeyiye said to Natasha. He was sprawled in a sofa, looking completely exhausted.
‘Awful bad.’
Natasha followed his gaze until it rested on her stomach. A red flush rushed to his face. Natasha could have sworn she saw sweat on his face. He mopped it with his hand.
‘You will do with a glass of coke while I prepare supper?’ she said as she rose. She brought him a bottle and a glass before she disappeared in t
he kitchen again.
Preparing supper, she would walk around and peer in the lounge. She knew exactly what was on his mind. Where’s my baby? You can get killed for such a thing in Tuzuka. But Sipeyiye should realize that this wasn’t Tuzuka, anymore. And the babies these days reside inside the woman’s body, not his.
That he probably knew by now; her stomach was flat because she had had an abortion. He probably wanted to look at her right then. But why? Had she not phoned him? Had she not written to him? And had he not ignored her on both occasions.
The next time she entered the lounge, he was still sitting lazily, fingering the rim of the glass. He was gazing intensely at Manata, his hatred for him unconcealed.
He probably thought the poor boy was the cause of all this. And how wrong.
‘I’m through,’ she said.
He didn’t respond. Manata, who was ever uncomfortable with Sipeyiye’s gazes, left for kitchen, glad to be away from him.
‘You’re going to sleep right after this, isn’t it?’ she said to Manata blowing a smile when she joined him.
‘I’m not feeling sleepy yet,’ he argued.
‘No ways, you should he in your blankets by now,’ Sipeyiye boomed from behind, his tone clearly aggressive.
Natasha looked at him, suppressing an outburst of anger. That wasn’t his baby.
Manata gobbled his food down and left immediately, now that he had been told in a voice that wasn’t open to negotiations.
‘You shouldn’t have done that, you know,’ she responded gulping down the amarula.
He was towering over her, his manner clearly rude.
‘You don’t tell me what to do, do you?’ he challenged.
Natasha couldn’t believe her ears.
‘Hold yourself, Sipeyiye,’ she said in a controlled voice.
She followed Manata to the bedroom. It was better that way, sitting here with Sipeyiye was likely to result into something they would both regret.
She turned the knob to Manata’s bedroom. She didn’t open, but quickly knocked. Manata was thirteen and beginning to demand a little privacy. ‘My friends say it’s not good to open other people’s letters or bedrooms without knocking,’ he had said someday. ‘And what did you say?’ she asked. ‘Oh what would I say? The truth of course. My mom opens doors, isn’t it?’ Natasha had laughed.
As she thought of it now, there was a smile on her face.
The first on the day.
‘Come in,’ he called.
She opened the door and walked in. Manata had a talent, and it wasn’t to keep an unhappy face.
‘I thought I should be asleep now,’ he said cheerfully, all smiles.
‘That’s right. I’ve only come to say goodnight, honey.’
‘Then say it.’
‘Goodnight, lovie.’
‘Goodnight, Mom.’
Mom. The title seemed worthwhile to her life. She left a little light-headed.
As she walked back to Sipeyiye, she wondered how different the two were. Manata had nothing. A boy who belonged to the street but was somehow happy. Sipeyiye had everything. He had never known difficulties in his life. The man who made news in Bulawayo, but really unhappy. How ironical!
‘Sipeyiye, I think I should sleep now,’ she said to him.
He was now in the lounge. God, he hadn’t eaten her food!
The amarula had now disappeared from the bottle though.
‘I thought you have gone to sleep,’ he said.
‘No, I was just seeing him off.’
‘That’s fine.’
‘Pardon?’
‘You know what I mean. There is no need for that.’
Once again, anger clouded her, but with all her mighty power, she managed to stay calm. How long shall this go on, and who the hell does he think he is? She had enough worries without him.
‘You see, Sipeyiye, you’re getting to my nerves,’ she managed to say, perching herself on the sofa.
‘Perfectly fine. I think you can also see that there is no need to pretend we’re heading somewhere. You’re just messing around with everything.’
‘Now what’s this bullshit, Sipeyiye. You slammed the phone in my ears.’ She understood clearly the subject they were coming up with.
‘And you decided to have the abortion, just like that?’ He smiled, and managed to mock her.
‘You know exactly why abortion was necessary in this case. But you couldn’t even talk to me, Sipeyiye.’
He left the sofa and started pacing the room.
‘I confess,’ he said quietly. ‘I’ve never seen anybody like you. I mean, you’re sort of frightening. You have killed, Natasha. I’ve no idea how many times you have done it the past and how many times you’ll do it in the future.’
Natasha’s heart sank.
‘And this child we’re keeping here.’ He raised his arms fractionally in air. ‘You let me down, Natasha. This child isn’t supposed to be here. At least, shouldn’t be here without our agreement. Without our full arrangement.’
‘I wonder what harm he’s doing. We have enough to feed him. And God, we need a living soul here, not merely you and I.’
‘That doesn’t make a lot of sense at all. You can’t just pick someone from the street and make him replace the child in your womb.’
‘Sipeyiye…’
‘Look, Natasha. I’ve a feeling you’re out of your mind. Why did you have this abortion?’
‘It can’t be helped, Sipeyiye. We’re HIV positive. That would endanger the life of the child as well as mine.’
‘I’ Sipeyiye chirped in. Natasha lost her bearing.
‘I, not we,’ he clarified.
Natasha lost her control. Before she had time to think, she was on him inflicting blows. He remained calm, holding her hands bondage. He let her go, and retreated around the couch.
‘No ways are we are going stay here together again, Sipeyiye,’ she wailed at the top of her voice, charged with fury.
‘You can’t be serious, of course.’
‘You want to bet?’
Sipeyiye had tempered with the delicate part of her. She whirled to the bedroom with the entire torrent or a tornado. She was in his built in wardrobe, bringing down everything of his she could lay hands on and carrying it to the lounge in untidy bits.
‘See what you can do with this. I may not need it tonight. Might not need this for the rest of my life.’
Sipeyiye just sat there, dazzled with the sudden change of events. He surely hadn’t expected this so soon. But then that has always been Natasha’s way of doing things. She had good eyesight for the future. This was definitely going to happen, no matter how much they would postpone it. Or pretend it was never going to happen. And she couldn’t wait for him to walk out of her life. She was in control.
‘In that case, I’ll leave.’
He started carrying his goods downstairs. Natasha never stopped piling things in the lounge: shaving machine, tennis rackets, clothes, shoes, and books. She was determined to see everything gone.
How embarrassing, thought Natasha? But who gave a damn?
In about half an hour, he had finished, and Natasha was now exhausted because of the fight. And at this time, Sipeyiye entered to collect the last of his goods.
‘And sometimes, you let your temper control you, Natasha,’ he said standing behind her, his voice resigned.
‘And sometimes, I don’t beat about the bush. You can’t live with me, because I’m HIV positive, to quote you. You desperately need the child that I can’t deliver because of circumstances. And circumstances that I can’t control. If you can’t stand it, you exit.’
‘Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?’
‘As sure as sunrise.’
‘And who comes after me, dear?’
‘Nobody, of course, you can be dead sure of that,’
‘I’m out of here’ he paced to the door. Then as he reached the door, he turned to her.
‘You see, Natasha,’ he said. ‘
I’ve a mind you got this disease from somewhere else. I mean, I was dealing with a whore.’
What? Her immediate instinct was to reach for the cushion beside her. She hurled it at him. He was too quick for her. He simply closed the door behind him and walked away.
As the car started in the background, she rose to watch it through the bathroom window. It glowed with the street lightning. The wheels screeched angrily with the tarmac, the temper almost matching its driver’s.
She turned back to the lounge.
Manata was standing behind her, a hint of sorrow on his face.
‘And what are you doing here?’ she hissed. ‘You should be asleep, isn’t it?’
‘Is he gone?’ he responded with another question.
‘Who?’
‘Him.’
Of course it was still difficult for Manata to give Sipeyiye a title. He still found it difficult to address him as ‘dad’, a title Sipeyiye would definitely not appreciate. Just as it was difficult for him to address Sipeyiye as ‘sir’ since Natasha had forbidden him to use the title ‘madam’.
She didn’t respond to the question straightaway. No, she shouldn’t tell the truth. The truth hurt. It’s abusing the child.
But he would know eventually, so why lie?
‘He’s gone, but don’t you worry about anything, because everything will be all right. We shall soldier on.’
‘But he was so lovely mom, don’t you think? Why have you let him go?’
Because he didn’t love you. Because he can’t live with us. Because he’s so busy mourning himself. And the answers broke her heart.
Tears prickled her eyes. She didn’t respond to the question, but quietly led him back to the bed.
She thought of it again as she lay down to sleep. There are a whole lot of things that children can do, that adults can’t do. They can forgive and forget. They can love unconditionally. And for a moment, she congratulated herself for not thinking of Sipeyiye.
Chapter 49
All hell breaks loose
Our little lives
Round and round in swirls
Hanging on the strings edge
Who shall be served?
Manata hummed the song alone, not even knowing he was. He would break into a tune at the slightest opportunity. Good practice, maybe this was, and he was definitely growing into a great singer.
It was morning at the earliest signs of sunrise. As he slid the bathroom window open, he wondered if he should wake up Mom. If she was leaving for work, she was running late. But she hadn’t gone to work the previous day, so she probably was doing it deliberately. He stripped off his pyjamas, leaving everything on the floor. He stepped into the shower. He rolled over the curtain. The water ran down on him. He held his breath.