The day I was given a mirror so I could see what I looked like, I cried. I knew now my mother’s name was Loretta. Since it was still so hard for me to see this stranger as my mom, she’d become Loretta to me in my head. It felt less weird than thinking of her as mom.
Loretta assured me I was still banged up and didn’t normally look this pale with such sunken eyes. But that’s not why I was crying. I cried because I hoped the day I looked in the mirror it would jolt a memory of some kind, but it didn’t. I’d never seen the girl in the mirror. Just like with my mother, I didn’t recognize anything about myself.
I could nod now and point and even sit up with the help of the adjustable bed. I could feed myself and even walk to the bathroom with the help of the nurses and my mom. I was still in a world of pain, but I was grateful for the progress, even though it didn’t sound like it with all the moaning and groaning I did with every tiny movement. I had broken ribs, a broken collar bone, and a pelvic fracture that I was told was much worse in the beginning. I could walk now, but it still hurt like hell. My broken foot was in a cast, but I was able walk on crutches; though I still got dizzy a lot. But I still couldn’t talk and I had so many questions. I got frustrated some days and cried often. They all kept telling me to be patient—that my progress was coming along better and faster than they’d anticipated.
As the days passed and Loretta sat and talked to me, I began to get the distinct feeling that she wasn’t telling me everything. Was I alone in the car? Was anyone else hurt? As somber as she seemed sometimes, I had the ugly gut feeling someone had died.
She stared at me strangely sometimes. I didn’t know if she was trying to evaluate me or what, but I was certain she knew something I didn’t. Maybe my injuries were worse than the doctors were letting on. Maybe the doctors had told her to keep a close eye on something specific about me. But what?
While I’d managed to feed myself, I still didn’t have full command of my hands and fingers. The therapist came every day, and we’d do exercises to strengthen my grasp. I was humming now too. I did it a lot because I wanted my voice back. My physical therapy for my hands and my humming and trying to figure out how to get the words to my mouth were my main objectives. Whichever came first would get me what I wanted—communication—whether by writing or talking.
One night I woke in the middle of the night. A feeling of utter dread consumed me. I didn’t know what to make of it, only that something was very wrong. I’d begun to hum days prior. It’d been the closest I’d come to being able to talk. I was now beginning to make other noises besides just humming.
Humming again, I moved my mouth out of sheer frustration. “Muuuah!” The sudden sound out of my mouth startled me, and I brought my fingers to my mouth. “Muuuuuaaaah.”
The excitement drowned out the dread, and I did it over and over. Soon the noise coming from my mouth started to sound like words. “Tah . . . taah . . . taahk . . . talk.”
It took me a moment to figure out the foreign feeling in my face was a smile. I glanced around and saw it was only two in the morning, but I couldn’t sleep now. I continued to practice speaking. I didn’t do it in front of the nurses because I still couldn’t form sentences, and I feared they’d insist I not exert myself. By the time Loretta arrived that morning just after eight, I was completely exhausted and ready to just pass out. But I’d finally been able to string a few words together, so I knew I wouldn’t pass out. I couldn’t. I had too many questions.
“I . . . can . . . talk,” I said as soon as she put her things down.
Loretta froze, staring at me, then brought her hands to her mouth. Her eyes welled up, and she smiled, even as her brows pinched together in undeniable emotion. She rushed over and hugged me gently, mindful not to hurt me. “Oh, baby, I knew you would. I told you to just be patient.”
“Mom,” I said because it felt rude calling her Loretta even if in my head that’s who this stranger was to me—Loretta. “I . . . don’t . . . rem . . . member.”
I felt her go tense, but she squeezed me one last time before pulling away. “It was a bad accident, Maggie. You sustained a significant head injury that the doctors assure me you’ll recover from. But, of course, things are still going to be fuzzy. The doctors said it would take some time.”
I shook my head as she smiled at me sympathetically. “I . . . don’t . . . rem . . . member any . . . thing,” I said, frustrated that the words came so slow. “Not . . . fuz. . . zy.” Her eyes widened as what I just said seemed to sink in. “I . . . don’t . . . rem . . . member . . . me. At all.”
I felt the emotion overwhelm me because, for as much as I’d said it in my head, hearing the words made it so much more real. I brought my hands over my face but pulled them away just as quickly. I couldn’t waste time crying. I could feel the exhaustion pulling me under, and I still had so many questions.
Her hands were at her mouth again, and she shook her head, staring at me wide-eyed. “You really don’t remember anything?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t panic, okay?” I could see her trying to stay calm, but her eyes looked as anxious as I felt. “I’m sure this is just temporary. It was a pretty nasty injury you got.”
“Was . . . I . . . alone?”
The horror in her eyes was my answer. I wasn’t. There were others. Who? And how were they doing? Was it family? Because except for when she’d gone home to sleep at night, she’d been here with me every day. So, does that mean that they . . .?
Something started beeping on one of the monitors. Loretta turned to it, looking worried.
“Who . . . else . . . was . . .” I shook my head even as I felt my heart thumping, when another beeping sound started and distracted me, throwing my wording off.
The nurse on duty today, Keisha, rushed in. “Ms. Maggie, what’s going on?”
“It’s her blood pressure, I think,” Loretta said, anxiously staring at one of the machines.
“Sure is,” Keisha said, frowning at the machine, then rushed to pull something out of a drawer. “Not good.”
“Who . . . else?”
Keisha froze mid-stride and stared at me. “You’re talking.”
I nodded but turned back to Loretta. “Who?”
“She’s doesn’t remember anything,” Loretta informed her. “Not me, not the accident, not even who she is.”
Keisha continued to administer something into my I.V., turning back to my mom then to me.
“She’s asking about the accident,” Loretta added, her words full of apprehension.
Keisha’s eyes went a little wide and she shook her head. “I don’t think—”
“Who . . . Mom?”
I don’t even know why I was crying or why I needed to know so badly. Just like the strangers Loretta said were friends and neighbors who came by on occasion to visit me—the ones with their faces etched in pity—whoever else had been in the accident with me I’d likely not remember anyway. I could only conclude that my getting so upset and worked up was because of my lack of sleep. My exerting myself to talk wasn’t helping because I could barely keep my eyelids open. Then Keisha clarified why I was suddenly so tired.
“I gave you something to sedate you a bit. It’ll help bring your blood pressure down and . . .”
Chapter 2
“What day is it?”
Loretta glanced up from the tablet she was reading on. “Still Wednesday. Only it’s evening now. You’re talking faster now.”
I thought about it for a minute then smiled. Only it was fleeting. The recollection of what we’d spoken of last came to me.
“Maggie, before you start.” She set the tablet down on the chair next to her. “The accident you were in was a bad one. The details of it will be very upsetting to you, and the doctor said telling you about the accident needs to be done with much care and with a therapist present but later. Your brain is still in a very fragile state. Think of how far you’ve come. You don’t want any setbacks, do you?”
As bad as I
wanted to know, the last thing I wanted was to go back to the frustration of not being able to move or talk. Grudgingly, I nodded. “I have other questions.”
She stared at me, her eyes full of apprehension again. “If it’s anything that will upset you—”
“I don’t think it should.” I shook my head, even though I wasn’t entirely sure about that. “Do I have a father? Siblings?”
She pressed her lips together and nodded as if she was willing to give me this one. “We’re all alone, honey. Just you and me. It’s why I’ve been so terrified you might not be okay. I’ve been a single mom since you were born. Your dad has never been around. My parents are both gone. My dad died when I was just a little girl and grandma passed a few years ago. The only sibling I have, I haven’t seen in years. Her husband is in the military, and they move about the world all the time. Right now, he’s stationed in Okinawa. She has small children and can’t make the trip, but she’s been in touch via the Internet.”
So, it was just Loretta and I? “What about friends?” The friends who’d come by to see me didn’t feel intimate at all. “Don’t I have close friends?”
She nodded. “We’ll talk about that when you’re better.”
My heart thudded. That was a clue. Maybe my friends were in the car with me. Maybe they were dead, and that’s why they couldn’t come see me. I nodded back to show I understood.
“What do I do? Go to school? Do I have a job?”
Loretta took a deep breath then smiled. I didn’t know this woman very well, but I’d seen her be emotional on more than one occasion: from happy, worried, and deeply poignant. At the moment, I couldn’t quite make out the emotion in her eyes. It was cautious or something. I could only imagine it had to be hard for her only daughter to not know anything about herself. “You just finished high school, and you’ve been in the process of touring different nursing schools that you were supposed to attend this fall.”
“Nursing?”
I glanced around at the equipment in the room. All the equipment seemed so sterile and complicated.
“Yes. You’ve been talking about becoming a nurse ever since I can remember.”
She told me a little more about myself. I was a very good student, pulled almost all A’s in my high-school honors classes and I loved animals. I was an avid reader and even enjoyed writing. “When you’re better, we’ll go through photo albums and see if that doesn’t help you remember stuff.”
I hadn’t even thought of that. I could hardly wait now. “Listen, honey,” she said, sounding a bit more serious. “Tomorrow there will be an officer coming in here to question you about the accident. He’s already been instructed not to tell you any of the details because of your delicate condition. He knows you don’t remember anything, so all you have to tell him is just that. That you don’t remember. You weren’t even the one driving, so it’s just a formality, but I wanted to give you a heads-up.”
“Is someone in trouble?” I asked, hating how devoid of any memories my mind was.
“No one’s in trouble, darling. It’s just that because of the nature of the accident they did need to investigate. But again, we’ll talk about all that later when you’re better.”
~~~
The interview with the officer was probably one of the fastest in the history of police interviews. He asked if I remembered anything about the accident. I told him I didn’t even remember anything about myself. That I had zero recollection about anything at all from my past. He wrote something down in his notebook and asked that if I did remember anything at any time to please give him a call. I agreed, he wished me a speedy recovery, and he left.
Several weeks after that, when it was determined there was no more risk of swelling in my brain and most of my fractures were near healing, therefore no more need for me to be monitored day and night, I was told I’d be released in a couple of days. But not before a psychiatrist I’d already spoken to a few times came in to see me first.
I still didn’t remember anything about my life. Dr. Esh, my neurologist, hesitated to make a solid diagnosis because he said it was too early to tell. But it appeared I had a form of retrograde amnesia. I cried when I looked further into it because it was the worst kind. While there was the possibility of regaining some or all of my memories, I read stories of many who never had.
The doctor explained to my mother and me about PTBIS, post-traumatic brain-injury syndrome. He warned that there would be symptoms and I could experience them for weeks, months, years, or even for the rest of my life. It was daunting to hear the many different symptoms I might experience.
Many of what he called more common symptoms didn’t seem too bad, such as difficulty with focusing, mood swings, inability to control certain impulses and urges, and emotional liability. But there were others that felt more alarming, like seizures, behavioral outbursts similar to Tourette’s syndrome, and other stuff I didn’t even know what they meant. Tinnitus, for example, which he explained is ringing or buzzing in the ears, was actually quite common after a traumatic head injury.
He gave us paperwork on PTBIS with links to websites that go over all the many other symptoms I might want to look up if I experience any. He explained there is no treatment for PTBIS itself, but that some of the symptoms could be treated or controlled.
The day the psychiatrist came to see me, I was surprised Dr. Esh said he needed to be there as well as a nurse. But I was even more surprised when he asked Loretta to leave the room.
“What’s going on?” I asked, feeling nervous as she willingly walked out.
The psychiatrist, Dr. Patel, nodded as Dr. Esh began. “I wanted Dr. Patel here when I explained the details of the accident to you. I think you’re well enough to know the traumatic and difficult details and agreed to be the one to tell you because it’s still too hard for your mother to relive. She will also require therapy and is already getting some to help her deal with what she witnessed that day. Something no parent should ever have to.”
This was news to me. My heart sped up. “She was in the accident too?”
“No.” He shook his head. “But she was one of the first to arrive at the horrific scene and was forced to identify the bodies for the authorities.”
“Bodies?” I asked as my insides went cold.
“Yes,” he nodded, glancing at the only monitor I was still hooked up to: the one that tracked my heart beat and blood pressure. When it didn’t show anything irregular, he went on. “There were two other passengers in the car with you who lost their lives: your best friend Shelby and . . . your sister, Madeline.”
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. Tears burned my eyes until I was crying and I was handed a box of tissue. How could I possibly feel grief over people I didn’t even remember, but my heart ached despite that.
Even as they gently told me the rest, I continued to cry through it all. The doctor went on to explain my sister’s convertible Volkswagen Bug had gone off the side of an embankment. None of us had been wearing seatbelts, and we’d all been thrown from the car. My sister’s and Shelby’s bodies had been badly mangled, and they were pronounced dead at the scene. I’d barely been clinging to life when I was found, and they said there was so much loss of blood it was a horrendous sight. It’s why Loretta still couldn’t even talk about it without falling apart and why she’d asked to not be there when I was told. It was simply too soon for her to stomach reliving the memories.
Dr. Patel said, even though I hadn’t been driving, survivors’ guilt was perfectly normal. I should expect to feel unwarranted guilt over having been the only one to survive, but there were many ways of coping with it. He encouraged me to talk about what I was feeling now there with him or any time later with my mother or in my therapy sessions. I should never hold it in. He warned that there would be a lot I’d be dealing emotionally in the weeks to come when it all sunk in and I got to see photos of my sister and best friend and learned more about them. I was given a list of websites and even local support groups fo
r others going through something similar, not just dealing with amnesia but survivors’ guilt, and he encouraged me to attend some of the meetings.
Dr. Esh said the session had gone well. It was the beginning of a long recovery, both physically and emotionally, but he was confident I’d do well with both. I was completely numb and couldn’t even fathom the nightmare Loretta had had to live through. What she was still living through and would be for a long time. At least I didn’t remember anything. How in the world had she done it all on her own?
She walked into the room after the doctors left, her eyes red and teary. “So, you know now?”
I nodded, still feeling too numb to say anything except, “I’m so sorry.”
She rushed over and hugged me. “I am too, baby,” she said, her voice breaking. “I just praise God he spared at least one of my girls.”
We cried for a little together, holding on to each other until she pulled away, wiping her tears. “We’ll be strong together and get through this. We’ve already gotten past the hardest part. Dr. Esh said he’s releasing you tomorrow.”
I didn’t even get the chance to try and regain some of my past by going back to the home in Huntsville, the town I grew up in, because Loretta informed me that, just when the accident happened, we’d been in the process of moving. She’d gotten a promotion, but the position was in Denton, a city over three hours away from Huntsville. But she assured me she’d take me back to visit and see the schools I attended and my old neighborhood once she could. Only she’d already taken so much time off from work to be with me in the hospital, so it might be a while.
While it was disappointing to not get to go back and at least see if anything struck a memory, I was almost positive it wouldn’t. Loretta did point out buildings and such that I should’ve remembered, such as the Little Caesar’s pizza where I worked last summer, my very first job and the water park just outside our town that she said I had season passes to, so I must’ve spent a lot of time there. None of it sounded the least bit familiar. As we drove farther out of town, she pointed out places we’d stopped at when driving in and out of town. It was terrifying to not remember anything.