“Hello?”
“Don’t you believe in coming home?” The calm, strict voice was much too familiar.
“Mom?”
“Lindsey, I suggest you find your way home as soon as possible.” The phone went dead. I searched for my things, walked out the door, and headed home…
Derek was driving one of his toy cars around the front entrance when I opened the door. When he looked up, he immediately ran from the room. He typically ignores me so this was a little odd. I’m often greeted with Aimee’s one-hundred questions but she was nowhere around.
“Lindsey we are in here,” I heard my dad’s voice coming from the den.
My mom and dad were sitting together on the couch. My mom wouldn’t look at me. She looked like she hadn’t slept. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun. She had bags under her eyes and was still wearing her robe.
“You had your mother and I very worried last night. We are very disappointed in some of the choices you’ve been making lately. Whatever happened last night was a very wrong decision.”
“Why did you lie to me!” mom couldn’t contain her anger any longer.
“How did you…”
“Find out?!” Mom finished. “Joey was gracious and RESPECTFUL enough to come by here at 11 o’clock, but without you of course! He explained that you had joined some other friends and told him that you weren’t sure you were going to be home on time. He looked really sad Lindsey; I’m not going to ask what you did to him. He did not tell us you had been drinking but I’m assuming you were, otherwise none of this would have happened.”
“But mom…” I attempted to defend myself, I’m not sure why because I really didn’t have much of a defense.
“Let your mother finish,” Dad said.
“We’ve tried our best with you Lindsey…” I could tell she was choking back tears. “I thought you learned your lesson last time but I guess not… I’m just so very disappointed in you.” She got up and left the room.
“I’m really sorry Dad; I promise this will never happen again!”
“I think it’s too late for that Lindsey. You will not be allowed out on weekends or after school for the next two months. You will continue your volleyball because I don’t think your team should suffer from lack of players. However, you will come home immediately following your games and practices. I suggest you go on up to your room now.” He got up and left, too.
As I watched him leave the room I saw Aimee’s head pop out around the corner.
“I HATE YOU! YOU MADE MOMMY CRY! I HATE YOU!” She started to cry herself and ran into the kitchen. I guess the whole family hates me now. I feel so low. I am such an idiot! I better phone Joey and find out what really happened last night. I hope he doesn’t hate me, too…
“This is Joey, please leave your name and...”
“Ah!” I’m sick of hearing his voicemail! Where could he be? I’ve been trying to call him all day! I have been pacing my room for hours and I think I’m going to go crazy up here! I’ve got to get out of here… Not hearing from Joey is making me wild and I’m getting very worried. I could hear my heart pound through my chest.
Moments from last night keep creeping up.
I remember being on the dance floor with everyone. I remember the beat of the music and the lights. I remember getting grabbed from behind. Some guy had his hands on my bottom and we were dancing pretty close. Another guy came in front of me and was holding me really close as well. I was completely sandwiched between these two guys and I loved every minute of it. We danced on and on. I was getting so much attention. Through the crowd of dancers and the smoke screen, I saw Chloe and Ryan making out in the corner of the dance floor. Justin and Brittany were next to them. I think Justin even had his hand up Brittany’s shirt! What a night…
“This is Joey, please leave...”
Oh god, now I remember kissing some guy at the bar. He bought me a shooter. We were passing a wedge of lemon back and forth with our tongues! What if Joey was at the bar and saw me!
“This is Joey…”
I started to call his number over and over again. I couldn’t get enough of hearing his voice. I miss him so much; he means the world to me. He would never do anything to hurt me. He’s so good-looking, sweet, kind, treats me like a princess.
How could I do this to him? I hate myself! Maybe he’s just not home, maybe he’s playing ball down at the courts. He would always call to invite me though. Maybe I’m oversensitive, maybe he’s a little mad but we could talk it out. I now have way too much time on my hands and definitely too much time to think. Maybe I’m just over analyzing things; I tend to do that when I think too much. The phone rings. Please let it be Joey! I pick it up before the first ring is over.
“Hello!”
“Hey. Why the panic?”
“Hey Chloe, I was hoping you were Joey.”
“Sorry. You haven’t talked to him yet?”
“I’ve called him a million times today and I just keep getting his voicemail.”
“It’s no doubt he’s not answering from what you were saying to him and all.”
“What?! I don’t remember seeing him at the club or anything. Why didn’t he come with us? Did I do something wrong?!” I started to panic.
“You don’t remember?”
“Remember what? Chloe, what!?”
“When we were in Justin’s Jeep ready to go to the club, he came running out of the house after you, trying to stop you from going. you were being totally stubborn and wouldn’t get out of the Jeep. He was trying really hard to convince you to stay…”
“I’m such a loser.”
“You were so mean to him; you were calling him names and telling him that he was such a loser when you met him. You even made fun of his name, Johann?” I told you to quit it. It so wasn’t you Lindsey. I actually felt really bad for him.” She said solemnly.
“Quit making me feel worse than I already do Chloe!” I was getting mad.
“Don’t take it out on me, you’re the idiot!”
“I don’t need this from you! Everybody hates me! I’m stuck in my room going absolutely psycho!”
“Sorry, calm down. We’re going down to Nohope Park tonight, have a fire, hang out.”
“It’s Sunday night.”
“So? I’ll probably skip my morning classes.”
“Doesn’t your mom care?”
“My mom has a new boyfriend and she’s been staying at his place lately.”
“Good grief. I’m totally grounded so I won’t be going anywhere for a long time.”
“You better get a hold of Joey.”
“Chloe, I’ve never felt this low before.”
“Well if you can’t get a hold of Joey, you should sneak out for awhile and come join us.”
“Bye.”
Chloe never seems to have a care in the world. We used to have such good talks. She just doesn’t seem to care about anything anymore.
“This is Joey…”
I couldn’t hold my tears back any longer.
That night I had another freaky dream. I was standing on the edge of a cliff holding Joey’s hand. It was a beautiful day; I felt the warm breeze on my face. The sky was an ocean blue. Joey’s hand felt strong and safe. Joey never spoke, he didn’t have to. I felt at peace, comforted in his secure grasp. But all of the sudden he let go of my hand. I fell down the cliff. I could feel the free fall in my chest. I was having a hard time catching my breath.
I kept falling but my speed was slowing down. It was getting darker and darker. I could hear that frightening cackle of laughter again. I no longer felt safe. I could hear Aimee crying. She didn’t plead for my safety this time. She just watched me fall. I saw black figures and I could make out the sound of Brittany’s laughter. I wanted to go back where Joey was. Why did he let me go? He didn’t push me off the cliff; he just dropped my hand…
CHAPTER 17A
Can’t Get Any Worse…
I was anxious to see Joey at my locker Monda
y morning. He always waited for me so we could walk to class together. He wasn’t there this time. As I was reaching up to get a book off the top shelf in my locker, I felt someone come up beside me. It was Joey.
“Hi!” I threw my arms around him but something felt different. He didn’t make any effort to embrace me. It was like hugging a cold statue.
“We need to talk.” He said expressionless.
“I tried calling you all weekend!” my heart was beating so fast.
“I know. I’ll meet you here at lunch, okay?”
“I’ll be here waiting for you.” I smiled desperately trying to get some reassurance from him but he showed nothing. He turned and walked down the hall. I could just watch him walk but then he stopped and turned around. What I wouldn’t do to see him pat his chest and point at me. Instead he came up to me, reached out for my hand and held my wrist up.
“I’ll need this back.” He motioned toward his lucky leather wrist tie he gave me.
“What?!” My knees became weak, I could hardly breath.
“It’s over Lindsey.”
I walked to my classes like a zombie. I don’t even remember what I did. I do remember telling Miss Van Weldan that I was too sick for practice and she thought it was a good idea for me to go home. All I could do was cry. I cried on my walk home. I threw myself down on my bed and sobbed. I don’t blame him for breaking up with me. I’m a loser who didn’t deserve him anyways. This is so painful. My heart just aches for him. I can’t help but play some of our songs over and over. I kissed him in his team volleyball photo over and over again. I miss him so much. I’ll never find anyone like him again.
CHAPTER 18A
Trying To Move ON
Two weeks passed. I saw Joey in the hallways on occasion. I pretended not to notice him. I would start laughing with whoever I was walking with just so he couldn’t notice how miserable I really was. I’ve honestly hit bottom.
Staying at home every night is bad enough. Aimee asks me about Joey too much. That sure doesn’t help me trying to not think about him. I almost miss having Aimee always coming around and being nosy.
Our playoffs start tomorrow. At least I could try and focus on that. I just lack the interest and enthusiasm. That evening I was more restless than ever. I could only stare at my walls and look at pictures of Joey, I miss him so much! I’ve got to get out! I’m feeling so angry. I’m angry at my parents for this stupid punishment. I’m angry at Miss Van Weldan for making me practice so hard. Doesn’t she care that I’m totally miserable! I’m angry at Joey for breaking up with me! He could have given me a second chance! I’ve got to call Chloe.
“Hey it’s me.”
“Hey, I’m just on my way out, what’s up?” she sounded like I had interrupted something.
“I’m going stir crazy up in this bedroom that’s what’s up!”
“You should sneak out tonight. We’re getting together again at the park.”
“Are you nuts?! I can’t risk getting into any more trouble with my parents!”
“How much worse could it get?”
She had a point.
“You know what? Screw them. Screw everyone! I’m not a prisoner. I need a life too!”
“Now you’re talking! Come over and pick me up and we’ll walk down together.”
“I’ll be there in 15 minutes.” I hung up and finally felt a sense of excitement. I just don’t care anymore. I’ll just say goodnight to my parents and then I know they won’t come up and find me gone. I rushed out my bedroom door.
“Goodnight!” I shouted down from the top of the stairs.
“You are going to bed this early?” I heard mom ask from the den where she was watching TV.
“I’m not feeling so hot, I just feel like going to bed.”
“Ok, goodnight Lindsey.”
I hustled back to my room to start stuffing pillows under the blankets so it looked like I was sleeping there. I grabbed my bag, and Joey’s team hoodie that I wear to bed every night. I slowly lifted my window so to not make any noise. I threw my bag down first and off I flew. It was easier than I thought. I almost felt like I was in a movie!
I ran down the street towards Chloe’s. She was waiting on her front step. I heard a lot of laughter coming from inside her house.
“Who’s having a party?” I asked.
“Oh, my mom’s just drunk again with her new boyfriend.”
“Isn’t that starting to bother you?”
“To be honest Lindsey, she’s a lot more fun when she’s drunk. I’m used to it. She’s been like this ever since I can remember. Let’s start walking.”
“Who’s the new one?”
“Some married guy, pathetic isn’t it. I’m never going to be like her.”
It was getting pretty dark outside. We had to veer off the trail where the street lights ended.
“This is a little creepy. But fun in a freaky way,” I said.
“Last time Brittany and I were down here, there was a thunder storm. Talk about freaky.”
Suddenly the eerie sound of deep, heavy breathing filled our air.
“Did you hear that?” Chloe grabbed my arm.
“AH!” Jake flew out from behind a large tree stump. We both jumped backwards practically falling to the ground.
“Idiot.” Chloe stormed past him.
“Where is everyone?” she said annoyed.
“This way my sweet ladies.” Jake said in a pitiful imitation of Dracula.
After about 10 minutes of walking through the dark woods, I could see the glow of a fire and hear the sound of male voices. As we got closer, I could see Justin and Brittany curled up in a chair in their own little world. Ryan Stein and a couple of other guys I recognized from the parties were sitting around the fire.
“Grab a stump girls,” Ryan motioned towards the pile of wood. We both chose a stump and hauled it back to the fire.
“Lindsey and Chloe, do you remember Brandon and Dylan?” I smiled.
“Drink?” Brandon passed Chloe a large bottle of something. She accepted without hesitation. She passed it on to me and I took a swig. It tasted cold and sweet, not bad, what’s a couple of mouthfuls? What’s a couple of mouthfuls?
“Did you get any stuff?” Ryan asked Dylan.
“Yeah.” He reached in his back pocket and pulled out a small plastic bag half full of dirt, or so it appeared.
“So Chlo, you going to class tomorrow?” asked Brittany.
“We’ll just have to see how the night goes…” they both giggled. Ryan moved his seat closer to Chloe’s.
“Hey Linds, sorry to hear about you and Joey,” said Jake.
“Yeah, well… did he talk to you? How’s he doing? What did he say?” I tried to stay cool but I was too curious to know how he was doing with the breakup.
“He seems a little different, not really his hip hop self. It’s not like he’ll have a problem finding a new chick though.”
“Jake! I’m sure that’s what Lindsey needs to hear right now.” Chloe barked.
“What is your problem Chloe?! You’ve been such a bitch to me as soon as you hooked up with my brother! You’re such a skank!”
“Bite me loser!” Chloe snapped back.
“Jake! Shut up before I smoke you in the head!” Ryan obviously heard enough.
“Why don’t you all just chill out… here this is a good start.” Brandon passed what looked like a lit cigarette to Ryan. He took a long drag and then seemed to hold his breath. He passed it to Justin who did the same thing. Brittany accepted it and then gave it to Chloe. I assumed it was pot or something. I was anxious to see how Chloe would turn it down. But she didn’t.
“Just try it Lindsey, it’ll help you relax and not think about Joey so much.” Chloe reassured me. I never thought I would do this. I always looked down on guys who did this sort of thing, but Chloe is right. I’ll do anything to feel happy again and to forget about Joey. I pinched the burning little rolled up piece of paper between my thumb and first finger. It was
hot and really stunk.
“Pretend it’s a cigarette and just take a long drag,” instructed Chloe.
“You have to hold it in and inhale or it’s not going to do anything!” Brittany instructed from across the fire. I did what she told me. It felt like I had lit a torch and shoved it down my throat! I thought you’d see one of my lungs lying at my feet because I was coughing so hard.
“Are you alright Lindsey?” asked Ryan.
“I guess… I need water.” I felt a little numb.
The night went on. We passed around the weed and laughed a lot. This is exactly what I needed. I don’t have a care in the world… I took off Joey’s hoodie and threw it in the fire.
“Good-bye Johann!” We all had a good laugh.
It seemed like in no time I could see the sun coming up. We were still all sitting around now a heap of ashes with a few smoking coals.
“Suppose we should go.” The sound of whoever said that made me feel like a six-year-old and my mom was telling it was time to leave the playground. Back to reality and my reality right now was not enjoyable. My legs did not want to leave my seat. I slowly stood and reached for my bag, glanced in the fire as we headed out and all that remained was a scrap of Joey’s #8 that was once plastered on the back of his hoodie.
I made it back into my room without a glitch. I have an early practice at 7 o’clock this morning. Miss Van Weldan was very adamant about the importance of this practice as we are now in the semi-finals. It’s a quarter after five. I’ll sleep for a half hour, which should be good enough to get me through the day…
CHAPTER 19A
Rock Bottom
“Lindsey? It’s a quarter to nine; don’t you have class at 9 o’clock? Lindsey? A re you feeling okay? ” Mom’s voice sounds so real in this dream.
“Lindsey!” Now my body was being shaken but I still couldn’t move a single muscle. I felt as though I had been filled with concrete.
“Lindsey, wake up!”
“Huh? I just want to sleep forever, leave me alone…”
“You have to get up and go to school.”
I felt like a zombie walking towards the shower. The cool water that bounced off my skin gave me shivers yet felt refreshing. I think I was starting to wake up. I felt a wave of panic come across me. I missed practice. I washed my hair as quickly as I could, jumped out of the shower, threw a towel around me and started frantically searching for something to wear. What am I doing? Practice was two hours ago. Miss V is going to be pretty mad. I’m going back to bed. I don’t need the grief…