Read Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II Page 26
HENRY CUYLER BUNNER
BEHOLD THE DEEDS!
(_Chant Royal_)
I would that all men my hard case might know; How grievously I suffer for no sin: I, Adolphe Culpepper Furguson, for lo! I, of my landlady, am locked in, For being short on this sad Saturday, Nor having shekels of silver wherewith to pay; She has turned and is departed with my key; Wherefore, not even as other boarders free, I sing (as prisoners to their dungeon stones When for ten days they expiate a spree): Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
One night and one day have I wept my woe; Nor wot I when the morrow doth begin, If I shall have to write to Briggs & Co., To pray them to advance the requisite tin For ransom of their salesman, that he may Go forth as other boarders go alway-- As those I hear now flocking from their tea, Led by the daughter of my landlady Pianoward. This day for all my moans, Dry bread and water have been served me. Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
Miss Amabel Jones is musical, and so The heart of the young he-boarder doth win, Playing "The Maiden's Prayer," _adagio_-- That fetcheth him, as fetcheth the banco skin The innocent rustic. For my part, I pray: That Badarjewska maid may wait for aye Ere sits she with a lover, as did we Once sit together, Amabel! Can it be That all that arduous wooing not atones For Saturday shortness of trade dollars three? _Behold_ the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
Yea! she forgets the arm was wont to go Around her waist. She wears a buckle whose pin Galleth the crook of the young man's elbow; _I_ forget not, for I that youth have been. Smith was aforetime the Lothario gay. Yet once, I mind me, Smith was forced to stay Close in his room. Not calm, as I, was he; But his noise brought no pleasaunce, verily. Small ease he gat of playing on the bones, Or hammering on his stovepipe, that I see. Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
Thou, for whose fear the figurative crow I eat, accursed be thou and all thy kin! Thee will I show up--yea, up will I show Thy too thick buckwheats, and thy tea too thin. Ay! here I dare thee, ready for the fray! Thou dost _not_ "keep a first-class house," I say! It does not with the advertisements agree. Thou lodgest a Briton with a puggaree, And thou hast harbored Jacobses and Cohns, Also a Mulligan. Thus denounce I thee! Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
_Envoy_
Boarders! the worst I have not told to ye: She hath stolen my trousers, that I may not flee Privily by the window. Hence these groans, There is no fleeing in a _robe de nuit_. Behold the deeds that are done of Mrs. Jones!
By permission of Charles Scribner's Sons
* * * * *
Secretary Chase was not originally a profane man. He learned how toswear after he went into Lincoln's Cabinet. One day, after he haddelivered himself vigorously, Lincoln said to him:
"Mr. Chase, are you an Episcopalian?"
"Why do you ask?" was the somewhat surprised counter-question.
"Oh, just out of curiosity," replied Lincoln. "Seward is anEpiscopalian, and I had noticed that you and he swore in much the samemanner."
* * * * *
_Family Physician_: "Well, I congratulate you."
_Patient_ (excitedly): "I will recover?"
_Family Physician_: "Not exactly, but--well, after consultation, wefind that your disease is entirely novel, and if the autopsy shoulddemonstrate that fact we have decided to name it after you."