Read Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II Page 27

  AN INSURANCE AGENT'S STORY

  "Oh, I guess we have our experiences," laughed the fire insuranceagent. "We are just like others who have to deal with all kinds ofpeople.

  "Take the smart Alecs, for instance. They give us a whirl once inawhile, but we generally manage to get as good as a draw with them. Itwas only last fall that one of them came in and wanted me to insure hiscoal pile. Of course I caught on at once, but I made out his policyand took his money. In the spring he came around with a broad grin onhis face and told me that the coal had been burned--in the furnace,of course. I solemnly informed him that we must decline to settle theloss. He said he would sue. I told him to blaze away, and I would havehim arrested as an incendiary. That straightened his face out, and itcost him a tidy little supper for a dozen of us just to insure oursilence.

  "One shrewd old chap had grown rich out of our company, and when hehad built an elegant new store and stocked it with goods he came tous again for insurance. I refused him, but he was persistent, and Ifinally assented on condition that he hang a gross of hand-grenadesin the place. After I had seen them properly distributed, I sent anold chum of his up to get the real lay of the land, for I was stillsuspicious. This is what the cronies said to each other:

  "'What is them things, Ike?'

  "'Hand-grenades.'

  "'What's hand-grenades?'

  "'I don't know what was in 'em at first, but they're full of keroseneoil now.'

  "We canceled the policy."

  * * * * *

  A girl from town is staying with some country cousins who live at afarm. On the night of her arrival she finds, to her mortification, thatshe is ignorant of all sorts of things connected with farm life whichto her country cousins are matters of every-day knowledge. She fanciesthey seem amused at her ignorance.

  At breakfast the following morning she sees on the table a dish of finehoney, whereupon she thinks she has found an opportunity of retrievingher humiliating experience of the night before, and of showing hercountry cousins that she knows something of country life after all. So,looking at the dish of honey, she says carelessly:

  "Ah, I see you keep a bee."

  * * * * *

  _Minister_ (at baptismal font): "Name, please?"

  _Mother_ (baby born abroad): "Philip Ferdinand Chesterfield Randolph yLivingstone."

  _Minister_ (aside to assistant): "Mr. Kneeler, a little more water,please."