TADAO
No. I’m sure that’s true. [mumbles] He'll be pretty busy killing you first, before he even sees me.
TATSUYA
What?
TADAO
I said, I don't see Shigeru anywhere. He must be visiting his ogre relatives on another mountain or something. Let's go back to Lord Hoshi's house before it gets dark.
TATSUYA
I am not leaving until Shigeru is dead! Maybe he is further down the cave. Tadao, you stay here. I will explore this hole and kill the rat hiding in it!
TADAO
But-
TATSUYA
Be brave! I will return!
TATSUYA exits.
TADAO
How will you find him? You can't see in the dark! Hello? Tatsuya! Hello?
Beat.
NARRATOR beats the drum in a 2-1 pattern.
TADAO
He'll be fine. I'm sure of it. He has the training of a samurai and a very sharp sword. Although, so did every man who died before him.
SFX: A growl.
TADAO holds up HIS staff in defense.
TADAO
Who's there! I am a ruthless warrior, armed to the teeth, and will slice you like a melon if you come any closer!
Beat.
TADAO
Must have been nothing. I'm hearing things. That's what it is. I'm hearing things.
SFX: A growl.
TADAO defensively holds the staff up again, but nothing comes.
TADAO
I bet...I would be more helpful outside...in the sunlight. Yes. If Tatsuya gets lost, he'll call for me, but he won't be able to find me, because I'm in the cave too. But, if I go outside and then yell for him, he'll be able to find his way out of the cave. That makes sense, right?
SHIGERU (OS)
Makes sense to me.
TADAO screams at the top of HIS lungs.
Enter SHIGERU, and NARRATOR strikes the gong. SHIGERU is the oafish, red-skinned ogre that haunts this cave. What HE lacks in wits, HE more than makes up for in strength.
TADAO is still screaming, and SHIGERU has to hold HIS hands over HIS ears.
SHIGERU
Stop it! Be quiet! SHUT UP!
TADAO goes silent.
SHIGERU
You scream louder than a little girl.
NARRATOR beats the drums in a 2-1 pattern.
TADAO
Thank you, Mr. Ogre, sir. It' must be all that monk chanting. Day and night, chanting-chanting-chanting. Nothing but chanting, us monks.
SHIGERU
You are a monk? A protected monk of the sacred Buddha? The Buddha of happiness and eternal power?
TADAO
I was...I mean, I am. Yes. That's me. A monk completely protected by the almighty, sacred Buddha. You hurt me, and he knows about it. We're pretty close, Buddha and I.
SHIGERU laughs loudly.
SHIGERU
Then I shall kill you.
TADAO
What?! Why? I'm protected.
SHIGERU
I hate the Buddha.
TADAO
Why? Other than being an evil ogre, why would you ever hate the Buddha?
SHIGERU
He is fatter than me.
NARRATOR stops beating the drums and looks at SHIGERU.
TADAO
And….that upsets you?
SHIGERU
You shall die now!
NARRATOR continues to beat drums.
TADAO
No! I promise not to follow Buddha anymore if you spare me, okay? Buddha? Who is this Buddha guy think he is anyway? He isn’t even that fat. Forget Buddha! Please let me live!
SHIGERU
No! You die now!
TADAO screams, closes HIS eyes, and swings HIS staff wildly. NARRATOR beats the drums quickly as TADAO's swings. The annoyed SHIGERU looks on with confusion. Eventually, TADAO opens HIS eyes and stops swinging the staff in the air. NARRATOR goes back to the 2-1 beating pattern of the drums.
TADAO
Did I hurt you at least a little bit--
SHIGERU
No.
TADAO
Hmm. Can I try again?
SHIGERU
[laughs] You can hit me all you want, but you will not kill me. No weapon made by man can hurt me.
TADAO
None?
SHIGERU
My evil race cursed mankind long ago. No sword, knife, or sticks of wood can hurt me--
TADAO sneaks a hit with the staff on SHIGERU, and NARRATOR stops beating the drums. The blow has no effect.
Beat.
TADAO hands over the staff to SHIGERU.
TADAO
Sorry.
SHIGERU throws the stick down on the ground.
TADAO
Well! I had to see if you were telling the truth.
SHIGERU roars at TADAO. With HIS hands in the air, SHIGERU rushes at TADAO. TADAO screams and helplessly flails HIS hands against SHIGERU, and the NARRATOR quickly beats the drums.
*@
SHIGERU stops and starts to giggle. TADAO and the NARRATOR stops. SHIGERU roars again, NARRATOR drums, and TADAO flails HIS hands again.
*@
SHIGERU giggles more loudly, and the drumming stops.
Beat.
SHIGERU roars again, and TADAO flails HIS hands again.
*@
The NARRATOR drums quickly again. SHIGERU bursts out laughing, and the drumming stops.
SHIGERU
Stop it! It...it...hurts!
TADAO
You mean my hands of death are killing you?
SHIGERU
No, you....you...are...tickling me! Stop it! It hurts!
TADAO
My tickling hands of death are killing you! I am a hero. Shigeru, red mountain ogre, you will never hurt the Lord Hoshi or his beautiful, beautiful daughters ever again!
TADAO goes to full speed on tickling SHIGERU, and NARRATOR drums quickly. SHIGERU tries to walk away, but TADAO's tickling hands of death keep on doing their job. SHIGERU is even on the ground at one point, and TADAO jumps on top of him.
TADAO
Say uncle! Say uncle!
SHIGERU
I...I...can't!
TADAO
Whistle! Can you whistle?
SHIGERU tries to whistle, but fails.
TADAO
No whistle, no freedom!
TADAO keeps tickling SHIGERU until SHIGERU roars out in pain.
TADAO jumps away, and SHIGERU stands up holding HIS chest.
SHIGERU
I…am…killed! Master, I have failed you!
SHIGERU falls on the ground, writhes around, and dies. The NARRATOR stops drumming and hits the gong. TADAO picks HIS staff up and pokes SHIGERU's body a few times.
TADAO
Are you dead?
SFX: SHIGERU's body farts.
TADAO
Ooooooh! That's putrid! [coughs] Smells like a burnt hairball in a bowl of cheese. You must be dead. Wait a minute. You're dead? You're dead. And I killed you! I am a warrior! I am a hero! I...get to marry a beautiful Hoshi daughter! Woo-hoo! I'm awesome!
TADAO dances until the smell is too great.
TADAO
[coughs] That smells really bad. I'm leaving. [to offstage] Tatsuya! Tatsuya!
TADAO exits.
NARRATOR
After killing the ogre, the happy Tadao ran back to Lord Hoshi's house to claim his reward...or so he thought.
NARRATOR hits the gong, and the lights dim for the transition of scenes. SHIGERU exits. NARRATOR plays the ukulele.
NARRATOR (CONT.)
Man's pride burns brightly.
He makes bad choices blindly.
Now his face burns too.
LORD HOSHI's house, at sunset.
HOSHI enters. HOSHI is looking in the distance and very happy at what HE sees.
HOSHI
; Is...why does it smell like farts in here?
After thinking about it for a moment, HOSHI looks at NARRATOR. NARRATOR stops playing.
NARRATOR
What? The ogre farted. I was adding truth to the story. You live two hundred years and see if your farts don't smell! Go back to my story!
HOSHI goes back into character and looks out in the distance again. NARRATOR goes back to playing ukulele.
HOSHI
Is it?...Is it?...It is! It's them! The samurai and his friend. They are alive. This can only mean... Shigeru Kôyama is dead! Dead! Yippie!
HOSHI dances in place as TADAO enters. HOSHI remembers propriety and bows to TADAO, who bows back. NARRATOR stops playing ukulele.
HOSHI
Shigeru is dead, yes?
TADAO
As dead as a dog…and smellier.
HOSHI
Praises to Buddha, and praises to Tatsuya! Where is he?
TADAO
He’s walking very slowly today, because it wasn’t him who killed Shigeru.
HOSHI
He didn't?
TADAO
Nope.
HOSHI
Then who could have killed him?
TADAO
Well--
HOSHI
There are no other samurai near these lands, or any other brave, strong, courageous men who I know of. Who could have slain the ogre? Who?
TADAO
Me. I killed him.
HOSHI
You?
TADAO
Yes. Me.
HOSHI laughs.
TADAO
Really.
HOSHI stops laughing.
HOSHI
We live in strange times, indeed.
TATSUYA enters, head hanging low and sword sheathed.
HOSHI
Tatsuya, is this true? Did Tadao truly slay the ogre?
TATSUYA
Yes. Yes he did. He has proven himself a brave warrior, and I have proven my dishonor over again. I am cursed! Cursed!
TATSUYA weeps. TADAO pats TATSUYA on the back.
TADAO
There, there. It's not your fault. I...am just that good at being brave. You'll get the hang of it, again. I swear. Tell you what. You can kill the next creature. I promise.
TATSUYA
Really?
TADAO
Sure.
TADAO hugs TATSUYA.
TATSUYA
I don't deserve a friend like you.
TADAO
I...can't...breathe...again
TATSUYA lets go.
TATSUYA
Sorry.
HOSHI
Well...Tadao, you have slain the ogre, and I thank you.
HOSHI bows down at TADAO's feet.
TADAO
Oh, no. Please, you don't have to...well, okay. You're welcome.
HOSHI
I might not have my pride, but I am a man of my word. You have slain one of the demons that plague my house. You may take one of my daughters as your bride.
TADAO
Really?
HOSHI
I swore it, and so I meant it. Take one of my daughters for yours.
TADAO looks to TATSUYA, and NARRATOR plays NAMI's tune on the flute.
TADAO
[to HOSHI] How beautiful is your other daughter? Not Nami, but the other one?
HOSHI
In my eyes, my daughter Yuriko is even more beautiful.
TADAO
More beautiful?!
HOSHI
Yes. Many poets have written about her...charms.
TADAO
Tatsuya?
TATSUYA
Yes, my friend?
TADAO
I will take Yuriko as my wife. You can have Nami. You two look better together, anyway.
TATSUYA
You...you...
TATSUYA hugs TADAO.
TATSUYA
I will never forget this, my friend! Never, never, never!
TADAO
Please...let...me...go.
TATSUYA lets TADAO go.
TADAO
I think you broke something.
TATSUYA
I'll leave you now. You will want time alone with Yuriko, I'm sure.
TADAO
And you with Nami.
TADAO and TATSUYA bow.
TATSUYA
Lord Hoshi.
HOSHI stands and bows with TATSUYA. TATSUYA exits. NARRATOR stops playing the flute.
HOSHI
I shall call for my daughter. [to offstage] YURIKO!!!
TADAO shakes HIS ear. NARRATOR plays a 2-1 beat on the drums.
HOSHI
I have no servants to send for her, so we have to yell. I'm sure she heard me.
TADAO
I think even Godzilla heard you.
HOSHI
Who?
TADAO
No one.
HOSHI
[to offstage] YURIKO!!! COME HERE NOW!
YURIKO (OS)
[deep voiced] I'm coming!
NARRATOR picks up the pace on the beat.
TADAO
Huh?! That's her voice?
HOSHI
Uh...don't be fooled. She was yelling, and this old house echoes deeply.
TADAO
Oh. Okay.
HOSHI
You are a lucky, lucky man today.
TADAO
I'm sure. So...Yuriko, how beautiful is she, again?
HOSHI
Oh, she is a treasure for sure.
TADAO
Really? Is her skin clear?
HOSHI
Other than the hair, her skin is as clear as crystal.
TADAO
How about her face? Is it still young?
HOSHI
You'll never see a more handsome face than hers.
TADAO
And her hands, what about her hands? Are they small and delicate?
HOSHI
The strongest you'll ever see on any woman.
YURIKO (OS)
Daddy! Where are you?
HOSHI
In here, daughter.
TADAO
Uhm....I think I made a mistake.
HOSHI
Ah, there she is, my little star.
YURIKO enters, and NARRATOR strikes the gong.
*@ (In a disgusted manner)
YURIKO is so manly, it's odd that SHE doesn't have a full beard. SHE is strong, virile, and bulky. However, SHE is still a woman...mostly.
TADAO lets out a quick scream.
YURIKO
Who is this, father? Is he the big, brave man you sent to go kill the ogre?
HOSHI
No, he's the other one, but he did kill Shigeru. So, Yuriko, here is your husband to be.
YURIKO gasps with happiness.
YURIKO
Really?
TADAO
Uhhh---
HOSHI
Yes, really. Now, I'll leave you two, so you can talk.
HOSHI tries to leave as quickly as possible, but TADAO keeps pulling HIM back.
TADAO
No! Lord Hoshi, do you think it's right to leave us alone before we are married?
HOSHI
I trust both of you to behave.
TADAO
But...our passions for each other are so strong. I'm not sure I can...contain myself.
HOSHI
Use that warrior's strength you have to hold yourself back. You'll be fine.
TADAO
But-but-but--
HOSHI manages to pull free and exits.
HOSHI (OS)
Have fun, my daugther!
YURIKO
Oh, I will, daddy.
Beat.
TADAO
So...my name's Tadao. I used to be an ex-monk, I like sake, and my family--
YURIKO picks up TADAO like a sack of grain.
TADAO
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Woah! Don't you want to get to know each other first?
YURIKO
I haven't seen a real man in five years. You're coming with me, husband!
TADAO
We're not married yet!
YURIKO
After tonight, we will be...by nature!
YURIKO exits with TADAO.
TADAO (OS)
Wait! Wait! Don't touch me there! Hey! That's an expensive kimono! Don't touch that! Hey! Hey! [TADAO screams; beat] Hey, that feels pretty good. [YURIKO chuckles].
NARRATOR
Poor, poor man. He suffers a fate worse than death.
TADAO chuckles offstage.
NARRATOR
Pity the man. Pity him. But pity Tatsuya more. A dishonored samurai beaten by his ex-monk friend, Tatsuya tortured himself more than any man could.
NARRATOR strikes the gong. The lights dim for the change in scene. NARRATOR plays the ukulele.
NARRATOR