Snake finds squirrel's home.
Squirrel cowardly escapes.
He has lost his nuts.
LORD HOSHI's house, TATSUYA's room. Like traditional Japanese rooms, this one does not have a bed, but rather a cushioned mat on the ground. NARRATOR plays a somber tune on the flute.
TATSUYA is meditating with HIS sword resting in HIS lap. NAMI peeks inside the room, desirously looking at TATSUYA.
TATSUYA
No!
TATSUYA slams HIS sword flat on the floor, and NARRATOR plays a high note and stops playing.
TATSUYA
I am a failure! I do not deserve peace of mind. I do not deserve this nice house. I do not deserve Nami.
NAMI
I think you do.
NAMI enters. TATSUYA stands up.
TATSUYA
I'm sorry, Nami. Don't listen to me. My words...they are spoken by a broken man. They don't make sense.
NAMI
Tatsuya?
TATSUYA
Yes?
NAMI
You are very brave to come here and fight my family's demons.
TATSUYA
I am not brave. Foolish...but not brave.
NARRATOR plays the somber tune on the flute again.
NAMI
You are. You are brave. I saw you when you came to my father's house. I know you were the one who wanted to kill Shigeru, not Tadao.
TATSUYA
But he killed Shigeru, not me.
NAMI
Tadao is a wonderful man, but he does not have your heart. I know if I put my faith in you, it is you who will kill Maki Asakawa next. It was she who summoned the Great Demon and the ogre Shigeru to torture us. You must kill her first, and then kill the king demon last. After that, my family will be free.
TATSUYA
Kill your ancestor...and then a king demon? I...am not sure I can.
NAMI holds TATSUYA's hand.
NAMI
I know you can. You are a samurai. My samurai.
Beat.
NAMI lets go of TATSUYA's hand and blushes.
TATSUYA
You have much faith in me. When you have no reason to, you still have faith in me. For this, I will rid your house of its curse.
NAMI
Thank you. I...My father is in your debt.
TATSUYA
No. I am in yours. Goodnight, Nami.
TATSUYA and NAMI bow to EACHOTHER. NAMI exits. TATSUYA goes back to meditating, but this time HE does so with a smile. NARRATOR stops playing the flute.
Time moves forward (possibly shown with a dimming of lights). TATSUYA falls asleep while meditating.
SHIN KISHIDA enters. SHIN is a dishonorable, greedy ninja who will cut any throat for any price. HE is the best in the business, but like all ninjas, HE kills best from the shadows.
SHIN carefully tiptoes into the room. NARRATOR slowly shakes the maracas. HE sees TATSUYA, and then HE makes sure no one else is around. HE takes out his sword very slowly, aims for TATSUYA's neck, and raises the blade in the air.
TATSUYA
[mumbles] I fight for the honor of my Lord...Lord...Lord Cowhead...The fattest steer in all the country...
SHIN is surprised by this and jumps back, ready for battle, and NARRATOR shakes the maracas very suddenly for a few seconds and stops. TATSUYA stops sleep talking and starts to snore.
NARRATOR shakes maracas in slow rhythm again. SHIN inspects TATSUYA closely, and then HE ridicules HIMSELF for being so scared. Again, SHIN lifts HIS sword. TATSUYA grabs HIS sword and swings it in the air.
TATSUYA
[Dazed and dreamily] You army of demons will pay for...not having...enough...cheeses and...fish...cakes.
SHIN jumps back, and NARRATOR shakes the maracas. TATSUYA goes back to sleep. SHIN checks to see if HE is having a heart attack. SHIN then looks at the audience, points to TATSUYA, and shrugs HIS shoulders as if to say "Are you kidding me?” SHIN once again raises HIS sword. Before SHIN strikes, TATSUYA jumps up and swings HIS sword, striking SHIN in the belly.
TATSUYA
Never again will lactose intolerance betray my cow brethren!
NARRATOR hits the gong.
*@
SHIN yells in pain, and TATSUYA is awoken from HIS sleepwalk.
TATSUYA
Who are you?! My sword!
TATSUYA pulls the sword out, and SHIN falls on HIS knees to the floor.
TATSUYA
I am sorry for killing you. Please! Please forgive me!
SHIN
It's okay. I understand. I was here to kill you anyway, so no hurt feelings.
TATSUYA
You...you were?
TATSUYA brandishes HIS sword defensively.
TATSUYA
Who are you?! What are you doing in Lord Hoshi's house?
SHIN
My name is...Shin Kishida, ninja warrior of the Black Tortoise Gang.
TATSUYA
The Black Tortoise Gang? The legendary assassins known for their cunning, invisibility, and percision?
SHIN
Well, we try.
TATSUYA
Who paid you? Tell me who paid you to kill me, or I will stab you...again!
SHIN
Sure. Why not. This is a mortal wound anyway. Right?
TATSUYA inspects the wound.
TATSUYA
Probably.
SHIN
Good enough for me. I was paid by a demon to kill you. His name...his name is...
SHIN starts to fade away. TATSUYA holds SHIN up and slaps him in the face.
SHIN
Oww! That hurt!
TATSUYA
Sorry.
SHIN
Why would you slap me in the face like that? You've already stabbed me in the belly. What more do you want?
TATSUYA
The demon's name! What is it?
SHIN
His name...his name...is...Etsushi!
NARRATOR strikes the gong.
*@
TATSUYA
Etsushi?!?
SHIN
Where did that gong sound come from?
TATSUYA
Etsushi?! The same demon who made a fool of me? The demon who stole my honor? The demon I have sworn vengeance upon? That demon?!
SHIN
How should I know?
TATSUYA
Shin, you pathetic little ninja, you leave now and tell Etsushi I'm coming for him. By sunrise, I will send him back to hell!
SHIN
You'll have to tell him yourself. I'm very close to death. I dishonored the Black Tortoise Gang, and...the punishment for failure is...death.
TATSUYA
That's serious.
SHIN
No kidding! So...I'm gonna...leave and perform hari-kari...before I bleed to death. Good luck on the whole killing demons thing.
SHIN crawls away on the floor, and NARRATOR shakes the maracas once for every pull on the ground.
TATSUYA
Do you need help?
SHIN
Don't you think you've done enough for me?! Geeze! Can't a guy go and kill himself in peace?
NAMI enters. SHIN crawls around her.
SHIN
Excuse me, miss. On my way to death. Like anyone cares!
SHIN exits. NARRATOR stops shaking maracas.
NAMI
I heard yelling from your room, and I was so worried! Are you okay?
TATSUYA
I was not harmed.
NAMI
Who was he?
TATSUYA
A ninja assassin.
NAMI
A ninja? A no-good, pathetic, treacherous ninja?!
TATSUYA
He wasn't all that bad.
NAMI
Why was he here?
TATSUYA
He was here to kill me.
NAMI gasps.
TATSUYA
&nb
sp; And if I don't leave with Tadao right now, more ninjas will come to kill me. I must leave tonight and kill your ancestor and the demon Etsushi.
NAMI
No! No, no, no!
NAMI knees and pulls at TATSUYA. NARRATOR plays the somber tune on the flute.
NAMI
Please. Let us have one more day together?
TATSUYA
I will give you the rest of my life after I kill our enemies.
TATSUYA pulls NAMI up to HER feet.
TATSUYA
I swear it.
NAMI and TATSUYA kiss. TADAO enters, rubbing HIS eyes from lack of sleep. HE also walks with a limp and leans on HIS staff.
TADAO
Tatsuya, could you please keep it down? Yuriko finally went to sleep, and if she wakes up again for more love, I think I'm going to break in half. Oh! Hello, Nami. I'll be leaving.
TADAO gives TATSUYA two thumbs up.
TATSUYA
No, Tadao. We are leaving tonight.
TADAO
Hey, I know I wasn't crazy about the whole marriage thing right away, but Yuriko knows how to tickle all my nooks and crannies if you know what I mean. [laughs, but then remembers NAMI's there] Sorry.
TATSUYA
We are killing the ghost Maki Asakawa and the demon, my demon, Etsushi, tonight!
TADAO
I thought we were doing that tomorrow.
TATSUYA
I cannot sleep in this house until I have rid it of evil.
TADAO
But...I can sleep.
TATSUYA
Nami, I will return.
NAMI
And I will be waiting for you.
TATSUYA and NAMI hug. TATSUYA exits, pulling TADAO along. NARRATOR stops playing the flute.
TADAO (OS)
Hey, easy! Easy! I'm still sore from my marital bliss.
NAMI exits.
NARRATOR
And so, Tatsuya learned his old enemy Etsushi was responsible for the curse on Lord Hoshi's house. But before Tatsuya could fight the demon, he would first have to fight the ghost Maki Asakawa in the ancient graveyard. Would he and Tadao defeat Maki and live to tell the tale? Would he and Nami come together in happy bliss? Will I pee myself if I do not get off of this floor? Because the last question's answer is "yes", I am calling intermission.
NARRATOR slowly gets up.
NARRATOR
Ohhhh! Ow-ow-ow-ow....I'm good. Okay. Got-a-pee, got-a-pee, got-a-pee...Oh! I almost forgot!
NARRATOR runs back quickly to strike the gong. HE then runs out of the theatre.
NARRATOR
Got-a-pee, got-a-pee, got-a-pee!
END ACT I
ACT II
As the house lights dim, TATSUYA enters and looks where the NARRATOR should be by the percussion instruments. HE hears the NARRATOR snoring in the audience, and is a little annoyed. HE pokes the NARRATOR with HIS sword, but the NARRATOR doesn't move. HE pokes the NARRATOR a second time, but still no response. HE stands right next to the NARRATOR.
TATSUYA
Hey!!!
The NARRATOR is startled and wakes up.
NARRATOR
Huh? What do you want, idiot?!?
TATSUYA points to the audience.
NARRATOR
Oh. I thought "intermission" was lazy-actor-talk for "one-hour nap.” Is it not?
TATSUYA shakes head.
NARRATOR
Oh. Well...help me up! I can't move myself! I'm old...and bad tempered.
TATSUYA helps the NARRATOR stand up and lean on the walking stick. The NARRATOR then shoos away TATSUYA.
NARRATOR
I've got it. I've got it!
The NARRATOR walks away to the percussion instruments.
NARRATOR
[mumbles to audience] How was I to know I couldn't sleep? Half of you idiots sleep during the show anyway. Why can't I, too?
The NARRATOR sits down moaning in pain, and TATSUYA apologetically bows to the audience. TATSUYA exits. The lights dim.
NARRATOR
Hey! Don't turn the lights off yet. I haven't hit my gong yet.
The lights return. NARRATOR hits the gong, and the lights turn back off.
NARRATOR
That's better.
NARRATOR plays the ukulele.
NARRATOR (CONT.)
The mocking bird sings.
It sounds like a canary.
It is still ugly.
The Hoshi Graveyard, at night. It is eerie, smells of death, and is sinking ever-so-slightly into the abyss.
NARRATOR stops playing ukulele and shakes sheet of metal to create wind sound. TATSUYA enters, looking out for the angry spirits of the dead. HE steps carefully on the soil, fearful HE might fall down in a grave.
TATSUYA
[whispers] Tadao? Tadao? Tadao?!
TADAO (OS)
Shhhh!
TADAO enters.
TADAO
Don't say my name too loudly. I might have very angry dead relatives here looking for me.
TATSUYA
Why would your ancestors be looking for you? What did you do?
TADAO
I had them invest in what some would call a "pyramid scheme,” everyone lost a lot of money--I don't want to get into it right now. Just stop screaming my name, please.
THEY look for the spirits again.
TADAO
You see her yet?
TATSUYA
No.
Beat.
TADAO
How do we even know if she's--
The lights brighten, and the area changes from a haunting graveyard at night to a lovely sunny afternoon. NARRATOR stops shaking metal and sounds the chimes.
TADAO (CONT.)
...here? Guess that answers that question.
TATSUYA
Maki? Maki Asakawa? Show yourself! Do not hide behind your dream spells!
MAKI (OS)
Who said I was hiding?
MAKI enters, holding a fan over part of HER face. NARRATOR sounds the chimes. MAKI is a seductress from hell, a demon-pact-making witch, and a master illusionist. SHE gracefully walks towards TATSUYA, who is brandishing HIS sword at HER.
MAKI
Perhaps I was decorating my home for you. I know how unromantic a graveyard can be. Won't you stay awhile?
MAKI makes a hand gesture. NARRATOR sounds the chimes.
TADAO is visible affected by MAKI's magic.
TADAO
Sure. Don't mind if I do.
TADAO passes out and falls flat on HIS face.
TATSUYA
What have you done to my friend?!
MAKI
Don't worry. He's only sleeping. I thought we could spend some time alone.
MAKI makes another hand gesture. NARRATOR sounds the chimes.
TATSUYA is visibly affected by MAKI's magic, but in a more sensual manner.
MAKI
Feel better?
TATSUYA
Your...your spells will not keep me from killing you.
MAKI
How rude. And after all the work I put into making this a special occasion.
Again, MAKI makes a hand gesture. NARRATOR sounds the chimes.
TATSUYA is relaxing more and more, dropping HIS sword.
MAKI
You know, Tatsuya, I can make you a very happy man. With my powers, we can spend eternity together, wrapped in each other's arms, listening to the sweet whispers of love. Would you like that?
TATSUYA
N-n-no. I...I love Nami. Not you.
MAKI
Do you love her? Or do you love the way she looks? I can look like her if you want. Sound like her. Feel like her. All you have to do is ask for it. Tatsuya, stay with me forever. I can make you very...very...fulfilled.
MAKI caresses TATSUYA's body, increasing the effect of HER magic. NARRATOR continuously plays the chimes. Eventually, TATSUYA tenses h
is body up and convulses.
HE pushes through the pleasure, and slowly but surely, HE shouts through HIS clenched jaw.
TATSUYA
No!
The illusion is broken, and the graveyard returns to its normal state. MAKI screams.
NARRATOR stops playing the chimes and instead shakes sheet of metal.
TATSUYA
You are not the one I love. You are the evil ancestor spirit plaguing the house of Lord Hoshi, the witch who has summoned my sworn enemy, the demon Etsushi, and I will slay you! Tonight!
MAKI
No! You must love me! Love me!
TATSUYA picks up HIS sword.
TATSUYA
Never!
*@
TATSUYA raises the sword in the air and strikes down at MAKI. NARRATOR sounds the chimes. HIS strike has no effect on MAKI, who is laughing. HE strikes HER three times, and each blow has no effect. With each strike, NARRATOR sounds the chimes.
MAKI
Foolish man! I am beyond death. You cannot kill me again.
MAKI's laughter wakes up TADAO. NARRATOR shakes the metal for wind noise.