Smell the Roses
The small group I had attended for the last month was becoming an important part of my life. Even though we all had vastly different personalities, I cared about each individual there. There were two women in particular that I had a deep connection with.
Becki was younger than the rest. She was attractive with her straight brown hair and doe-like eyes. She and her husband married at the age of eighteen and already had their first child. Becki looked at the world through the veil of the young and untried. It was refreshing to my soul.
Rebecca was closer to my age and had two children by two different fathers. Her short Dorothy Hamill haircut fit her no-nonsense personality. From what I picked up in conversations during group discussion, her first marriage had ended in divorce. What attracted me to Rebecca was her in-your-face honesty. She wasn’t one to mince words, so I always knew where I stood with her.
The three of us decided to meet once a month at Rebecca’s home for an hour of worship. I wasn’t sure what to expect the first day I arrived. “Do you girls have a preference on music?” Rebecca asked. Both Becki and I shrugged our shoulders. “Great, because I already had one picked out.” She put on a CD called Praise 12 He Is Able. “It has one of my favorite songs,” she said with an uncharacteristic grin.
Once the music began playing I sat down, but I noticed both Becki and Rebecca remained standing with their eyes closed. Rebecca began swaying to the music while Becki stood stalk-still with a sweet smile on her face. I stood up and closed my eyes. I soon found myself swaying like Rebecca. Worship was like meditation for me. Listening to the lyrics brought me into a place of being aware of God’s voice.
The first song, I simply sang to God. During the second song, the words brought tears to my eyes, and then came the song, “Lord of Love”; that particular song brought me to my knees. The lyrics and gentle rhythm felt exactly like a love song. It expressed my deep passion for God and was somehow mixed with my love for Scott and my profound love for Jonathan into an exquisite tangle of pure adoration. I could barely breathe from the emotions it birthed in me. After the song ended, I felt completely spent and sat in a kneeling position on the floor.
The warmness of God’s presence filled my mind and seemed to root out the hatred I held for the man responsible for Scott’s death. A chill ran down my spine as a vision came to me. My hatred appeared as a black twisted mass of thorny vines weaving together around my heart, actively choking it. My heart was wounded and bleeding from the assault.
I got up and ran to the bathroom, trying to block the image from my mind. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm myself down. I moaned in anger at the man who had destroyed my future, in pain from the loss of Scott, and in fear. Fear of what God was asking me to do.
“Beth, are you okay?” Becki asked from outside the door. I clamped my hands over my mouth to stop the noise, but I couldn’t. Becki opened the door and immediately came to my side, hugging me tightly. “It’s going to be alright. You’re going to be okay,” she said over and over.
Rebecca came in soon after and kneeled on the other side. “Beth, I could feel God’s hand on you out there. What did he reveal to you?”
Rebecca’s proximity seemed to calm my nerves and I was finally able to regain control. I struggled to say out loud what completely terrified me inside. “I need to forgive the man who killed Scott.”
Becki put her hand to her lips in surprise, but Rebecca nodded her head as if she expected it. “Well, then you know what you need to do. Let’s pray.” She got up off the floor and offered her hand to pull me up. We walked back into the living room and both of my friends placed their hands on my shoulders.
I barely choked out the words, “Lord, I know what you are asking me to do. Help me to have enough courage.” My two friends prayed for strength and the determination to follow through with it.
As I was leaving, Rebecca stopped me, “Don’t chicken out on this, Beth. This is too important.” She sounded an awful lot like Angie. I wasn’t sure if I could handle two Angie’s in my life.
“Give me some time,” I begged her.
“One month. That’s it. When we meet back here, I expect you to have contacted him.”
I smiled nervously. A month seemed like far too short of time to accomplish such a difficult task. “I’ll try.”
“Don’t try—do!” she admonished. I hoped that I wouldn’t fail. I didn’t think I could face Rebecca if I did.
When I got home, I looked at Scott’s picture on the wall. I ran my fingers over his face. “Scott, I am scared to meet the man who tore us apart. I have this burning desire to get even and tear him apart. I don’t know what to do with my anger. I need your strength right now.”
Normally, I would have called Angie, but she was emotionally unavailable to me now. I briefly thought of Glenn and had to laugh. That door had been closed as well, leaving me quite alone in the world.
I picked up Sarah’s bible and delved into what Jesus had to say. I thought I would find comfort there, but instead I became even more anxious. I read passages that stated that if I chose not to forgive that horrible man, God would not forgive me.
“Lord, please take this heart of stone and turn it to flesh towards this man. I want to forgive him, but I don’t know how.” I lay on the floor in tears. I felt strongly I was the problem, but I heard no voice of guidance. Despite the silence, I believed that my prayer had been heard and had to trust it would be answered.
Having written Glenn off, I was shocked to hear his car drive up Saturday morning. I assumed, after my rejection, he would stop coming to visit Jonathan. My respect for him shot up tenfold, even though I dreaded answering the door when I heard his familiar rap on the door.
I couldn’t bear looking into his eyes, so I looked past him. “Hello, Glenn.”
“Beth.”
I opened the door wide to let him pass. “I’m glad you came.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“No reason,” I replied, unwilling to state the obvious. It looked like Glenn was going forward as if nothing had happened and I was happy to oblige.
Initially it was uncomfortable, but as soon as Glenn saw Jonathan he visibly relaxed. “Did you miss your Uncle Greywolf, little man?” Jonathan grabbed a chunk of his blond hair and pulled. “Oh, so that is how it is. Abuse the uncle, will ya?”
I laughed but then stopped myself. I suddenly felt uncomfortable and blurted, “Are you two going anywhere special?”
“Yeah, I’m taking Jonathan to a Denver Bears game.”
“Really?”
“Yep, I even bought him a hat.” Glenn pulled a tiny baseball cap out of his back pocket and placed it on Jonathan’s head. Jonathan immediately grabbed it and pulled it off.
“That’s so cute!” I couldn’t help smiling at my adorable son. “Could you put it on again? I want to get a picture of him.” I ran to get my Polaroid. Glenn placed it back on his head and I took a shot before Jonathan could pull it off again.
“Wait.” Glenn took the sunglasses off the top of his head and put them on Jonathan, along with the baseball cap. All of the sudden my baby looked so grown up! I took another picture. Jonathan would have none of it and pulled off both, dropping the hat but chewing on the sunglasses.
Since I wasn’t going along I couldn’t help asking Glenn, “If you will be in the sun for that long, could you make sure to keep him in the shade?”
“Okay, Mooommm,” Glenn teased. “You don’t have to worry, I got the two of us box seats.”
“No way!” I was secretly jealous. I’d always wanted to watch a game from those fancy seats.
“Yep, I have a friend who knows a friend.” Glenn looked at his watch. “We better get going. See you later than usual.”
“Fine.” I was a little depressed that Jonathan would be gone most of the day. I kissed the top of his sweet baby head before they left. “Don’t spoil him too much.”
Glenn grinned charmingly. “I
make no promises. This little guy gets noticed where ever we go. People can’t help but spoil him.”
I could just imagine women fawning over my son in an attempt to flirt with Glenn. What was wrong with me? I never worried about Glenn’s social life before. “Don’t have too much fun.”
Glenn chuckled. “Don’t worry, we will.”
When they left, the house felt empty. Since I hadn’t expected Glenn to come, I had nothing planned for the day. To relieve the loneliness I went to my trusted BBS and logged on.
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Title: First Kiss
From: Tranquility #85
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Okay guys, I want to hear all about your first kiss. Who was it, where was it, and what was it like? I’ll start!
I kissed Keith (my first crush) inside the janitor’s closet at my Jr. High and it was amazing. He had really great lips. Yum!
-- Tranquility
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Title: My Yucky First Kiss
From: Daisy #18
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I do not have good memories of my first kiss. It was Ted, my first “bad boy” experience. We even ditched school to do it.
It was outside the school and he was a smoker, of course. I told him I had never kissed a guy. He leaned in… I leaned in… and then he french-kissed me. My first kiss? Here was this tongue sticking into my mouth like a worm and it tasted like smoker’s breath and sticky saliva. Nasty! I literally felt sick afterwards.
Shuddering just thinking about it.
-- Daisy
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Title: Ah, My First Kiss
From: Greywolf #69
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Let’s see…
It was Rachael, in second grade, under the jungle gym. The kiss? Very sweet. She wanted to go steady. But hey, I wasn’t about to tie myself down.
--Greywolf
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Title: Seriously People, We’re Talking About Kissing?
From: Mr. Ed # 34
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Fine.
My wife of 26 years, at homecoming. I married the girl, so that should tell you how it went.
--Mr. Ed
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Well, this was certainly a new discussion for the board, but I kind of liked it. It gave me a completely new perspective on my computer friends. I decided to add my own post.
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Title: I’m Game
From: Phoenix #1
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Okay Tranquility, my first kiss was when I was in fourth grade. I went over to a friend’s birthday party. They had this silly game where you pulled out a piece of paper and do whatever was on it. Well, lucky me I pulled out one that said I had to kiss somebody with my mouth full of water. Ugg! I had never kissed a boy before, and then I had to do it like that in front of everyone?
I couldn’t believe it when a cute boy offered to let me kiss him. We kissed on the lips and I think I only got him a little wet. I still blush when I think on it.
BTW, Runner absolutely no comments about this one. I mean it!
--Phoenix
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I laughed after I finished posting. I could just imagine Mr. Ed and his dear wife at a dance, and then poor Daisy–gag!
I knew I still had the whole long afternoon ahead, so I decided to do something just for me. I drove to the local greenhouse and picked out any and all flowers that called to me—I didn’t hold back. I went down each aisle saying, “Okay, which of you lovely plants want to come home with Phoenix?”
I added snapdragons, columbines, butterfly plants, daisies, lilies, violets, carnations and three different types of roses to my cart. When it was completely full, I made my purchase and returned to my little home.
I got out a shovel and chose a spot for the new flower garden. I dug out the grass, mixed in the soil and sat down to plant. I dug each hole, carefully placed the plant inside, and patted it down with love. Where once there had been only grass, there was a now a rainbow of color. I got out the hose and watered my lovely new garden.
I couldn’t wait for Jonathan to come home and see my creation. I could just imagine the fun we would have playing with snapdragons, watching butterflies, making daisy chains, and smelling the roses as the summer wore on. Unfortunately, Jonathan was completely zonked out when he returned from the baseball game. Instead of enjoying the garden together, I had to put him straight to bed.
Glenn, however, made me laugh out loud. As he walked to his Nissan, he took one look at my colorful garden and said with a cheeky grin, “Way to kill the grass, Beth.”
Anniversary
Scott’s death anniversary was near and with it came a sense of dread. The pain of that day had never left and I carried scars no one could see. While the rest of the world carried on with their lives, I was left to anticipate and reflect on the day Scott was ripped away from me. Although my life had continued on, I felt like I was stuck in a pseudo-life just pretending it was enough. What I truly desired was to be in the loving embrace of my husband with Jonathan in-between us; a complete family.
To honor Scott, I decided to make a trip to the mountains. He loved backpacking and I was broken-hearted I had never gone with him. Scott and I had often talked about going with my parents, but it never worked out and now that opportunity was gone forever.
I’d asked both Angie and Glenn to join me for an overnight trip so I could be close to Scott in the mountains he loved. Angie called back and gave me unwelcomed news. “I’m sorry, Beth. Lucas has a big weekend trip planned.”
“You guys go every weekend. Couldn’t you miss one? You know how important this is to me.”
“Honestly Beth, if I could cancel I would! But Lucas can’t get a refund and will lose a lot of money if we don’t go. Any other weekend would work.”
“Do you realize how stupid that sounds? Let’s just move the anniversary of Scott’s death, so we can work around Angie’s travel schedule.”
“I’m really sorry, Beth.”
“It stinks, Ang. It totally stinks!” I can’t say I was surprised by her news, but it still hurt. I resented Lucas for being such a prick, and Angie for allowing it.
I called Glenn and was shocked when he told me, “I’m sure it will be fine, but I need to talk to Heather before I commit.”
I suddenly felt sick. Of course, it was natural that Glenn would start dating after I told him how I felt. But the thought that I might not have him by my side on Scott’s anniversary was devastating. “I hope you can come, Glenn.” I couldn’t hide the anxiety in my voice.
“Don’t worry, Beth. I’ll explain it to her.”
I imagined a strange girl coming with Glenn and I knew I couldn’t handle it, especially on this trip. “I know this will sound rude, but I prefer if she didn’t come with us.”
He sighed. “I didn’t plan to invite her. This isn’t easy for me either, you know. It may have been a year since his death, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.”
I stifled a cry. “Me either. Of all the people I know, you are the only one who knows the pain I feel…I don’t know if I could face the day without you.”
“I’ll be there, Beth. I’m sure Heather will understand.”
I hung up the phone slowly. So her name was Heather. Why did I have a pit in my stomach when I thought of her? Glenn was moving on with his life and I wanted him to. The more I thought about it the worse I felt. Then it became clear to me. If he found someone, I would lose him. I berated myself. “You want Glenn to be happy. Help, don’t hinder.”
July 22nd arrived with the same heat it had the year before. I woke up feeling lightheaded and tingly all over. I realized I was hyperventilating and forced myself to take deep breaths.
The day hadn’t even started yet and I was already struggling. I ran to Jonathan’s room and picked him up. I knew holding him would give me some sense of peace. I walked him around our little house
, pacing nervously. I really needed to get the day started. I called Glenn and asked him to come earlier than we originally planned.
I had already gathered all of Scott’s backpacking supplies. His pack smelled of old campfires. I began to hyperventilate again as I packed the last minute food items in. I had to remind myself to breathe deeply. “You can do this, Beth. You can do this,” I encouraged myself.
Glenn did not knock when he came. He knew that this day—of all days—it was not allowed. He walked in and smiled sadly, grabbing Scott’s backpack off the table.
“Do you want me to make a pot of coffee?” I asked.
He answered with a slight shake of his head. I’d never seen Glenn look so despondent. Regardless of the reason, it was obvious it was going to be a difficult day for both of us.
I carefully buckled Jonathan in the car seat and we drove to my parents’ in silence. My mom looked at me sadly when I handed Jonathan over to her. “Are you okay, Beth?”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
“I was afraid of that. You know your dad and I love you.”
I attempted a smile. “I know. You both have been there for me this whole time. It means a lot.” She gave me a hug before entering the house and closing the door quietly behind her. I returned to Glenn’s car.
“Where are we headed?” he asked somberly. I pulled out the map and showed him. Rocky Mountain National Park was about an hour and a half drive and, with the early start it looked like we would get there by mid-morning.
“So, Heather was okay with this?” I asked, wanting Glenn to know I was supportive of his new relationship.
“Not so much.”
“Do you want me to talk to her after we get back?”
“No point.”
I felt horrible about it and didn’t want to be the cause of further unhappiness for him. “Glenn, we don’t have to do this. Not if it’s going to cost you a relationship.”
“Are you fine being alone today?”
“No.”
“Me either. End of discussion.”
We didn’t speak the rest of the drive up. I gazed out the window as we entered the foothills. The rolling green soon transitioned into rocky hills and then onto craggy mountains. Outside my window I stared at the rocky cliffs and numerous pine trees. I remembered when the sight of them made me joyous. Today I was only sad and nostalgic.
Memories of Scott flooded my mind. I lay my head against the cold window and closed my eyes. When I finally heard the sound of gravel, I knew Glenn was headed down the road to the trailhead I’d picked out. He parked the car and turned to me, sighing profoundly. “We’re here.”
I reluctantly got out of the car and looked around. The remaining snow on the highest peak caught my attention as it glinted in the sun. It was magnificent. I took in a breath of the fresh mountain air. It stirred a feeling of well-being inside my soul and a smile escaped my lips.
I noticed Glenn watching me closely.
“Doesn’t it smell wonderful?” I asked him.
He took in a deep breath and exhaled. “Smells like air to me.”
I laughed for the first time that day. Glenn seemed disheartened and I wanted to cheer him up. “Let’s do this!”
He nodded as I grabbed the canteen out of the backseat. He hoisted the heavy pack that carried all of our supplies onto his back.
“Wait a sec, Glenn.” I wrote our names down on the trailhead register just to be safe. I looked at the trail map and asked how far he wanted to go in.
“Doesn’t matter to me.”
“Okay, then we should walk until we don’t want to walk anymore, and make camp where ever that leaves us.”
“Fine by me.”
I ignored his monotone response, believing this day would be good for both of us.
I gazed at the narrow dirt trail disappearing into the trees. There was a sense of adventure in not knowing what lay ahead. I liked it and could better understand Scott’s fascination with backpacking. After a few minutes of hiking in silence, I asked, “So, did you go on many backpacking trips with Scott?”
“No. I went on a camping trip with his dad and him once, but it wasn’t my thing.”
“I can’t believe neither of us shared in something Scott was passionate about. It’s seems sad to me.”
Glenn gave a half-hearted smile. “Well, he’s got us out doing it now. Surely that counts.”
I was pleased he was finally warming up. “I’m really glad you’re here,” I told him, patting his shoulder. I pushed away my feelings of resentment towards Angie. “Scott would be proud, don’t you think?”
He snorted in answer.
We walked under the shade of aspens and pines. The trail began to get steadily steeper and rockier. I found myself focusing on my feet so I wouldn’t trip on the half-buried rocks scattered along the trail. When we came to a large stream, I asked, “Do you mind if we stop here for a bit?”
Glenn put down the pack. His voice was laden with grief. “Stay as long as you need. I’m going for a walk.” I watched him wander off into the pines alone.
I turned back to the stream. I loved the sound the water made trickling its way down the mountain. It was continuous, always rushing; almost alive. I took off my shoes and socks, pushed my pants up to the knees and dipped my feet into the living water. The water was shockingly cold, coming straight from the snow runoff. My feet quickly became numb, but I liked it.
I sat there for a long time, splashing my feet and watching the water rush by. I thought to myself, Life goes on. This stream had no time or will to stop. The water kept rushing ever forward—just like life.
“Hey Scott,” I called out. “I’m backpacking with you today. Can you believe it, even Glenn is out here? We both really miss you. You said you felt God’s presence in nature, and I have a better appreciation for that now.” I smiled up at the pine trees surrounding me, “I wonder if this is what heaven is like.”
I heard snapping twigs to my left and saw Glenn coming back from his walk. His eyes were distant and he looked more downcast than before. My heart went out to him. I wasn’t sure why, but I wasn’t sad. I felt Scott with me and I couldn’t be depressed because of it.
“You okay?”
Glenn put the backpack back. “Are you ready to keep going?” he answered gruffly.
“Sure.” For some incredible, wonderful reason, my heart felt light. I quickly put on my shoes and followed after Glenn. The trail continued to get steeper and I had to rest on the side of the trail several times. But when we crested the top of the first small peak, we were greeted to a magnificent view of the mountain range.
“Wow!” I exclaimed.
“Yeah, it is nice, isn’t it?” he said in open admiration.
The view spurred me on and I walked with more vigor and enthusiasm, anxious to see what the next bend in the trail would bring. Around dinnertime I finally petered out; I was pooped and my feet hurt. “Do you mind if we stop?”
“I’ve been waiting for you to say that for the last hour, Beth.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
He gave a weak smile. “I didn’t want to spoil it for you.”
“Glenn, this is about us, not just me. Got that?”
It looked like he was going to say something, but then changed his mind. Glenn took off the pack and asked for the canteen. He took a couple of gulps and then poured the water over his head.
“I guess the next order of business is to find a spot to set up camp,” I announced. He pointed to a grove of aspen up the side of the mountain and I smiled. “Excellent choice!”
We trekked up the side of the mountain and found a flat spot to pitch the tent. The sound of the aspens rustling in the wind was magical. “Oh Glenn, this is the perfect place.”
I untied the tent bag and spread the contents onto the ground while Glenn read the directions out loud. Both of us were complete amateurs and struggled to get the tent assembled. Our best efforts still left a tent that was sa
gging pathetically in the middle. I could imagine Scott snickering at our feeble attempt to make camp.
The sun had already begun its descent behind the mountains by the time we gathered wood and started a fire. It took Glenn nineteen matches and much cursing before it finally took. While he was busy with the fire, I boiled water on the tiny propane stove to make freeze-dried chili. I handed Glenn the pack of soda crackers and we settled down for the meal next to the warm fire.
I was hungry and took a huge bite. “Ugh…” I nearly spit it out on first contact with my tongue. Glenn looked at me as he took his first bite. I could see my reaction reflected on his face. The beans hadn’t rehydrated much and the flavor was a combination of salt and chemicals. I couldn’t stand the taste and spit the chili back into the bowl. “Don’t feel you have to eat this,” I told him. “I won’t be offended.”
Glenn spit his out into his bowl and laughed. “I’m glad you feel that way. I would have eaten it just for you, but it would have been a sacrifice of love.”
When he said the word ‘love’, I felt queasy. I immediately picked up the pot and announced, “Hey, I’m going to bury this dead meal and clean out the pot for some coffee. I think soda crackers and coffee are the only items on the menu tonight.”
I knew he had only meant it as a joke, but I wanted to allow time to pass to help vacate the L word from the area. I found the flashlight and headed to the stream close to our camp. After much scrubbing in the ice-cold water I returned to make our coffee. Glenn had laid out the crackers in an artful pattern. “Nice!” I complimented as I lit the propane stove for the coffee water.
I was grateful things seemed back to normal between us.
We spent the evening sipping hot coffee, munching on saltines and sharing memories of Scott. The fire crackled pleasantly as Glenn shared about the time in their senior year when the two of them had been invited to a huge party outside of town. “My first car was a total junker, Beth. You always knew it would break down at some point during a trip. But on that particular night, it broke down twice on the way up. By the time we finally made it, the party was already winding down. All Scott and I got out of it was one beer before we had to head back home. Naturally, the car got a flat a few miles from my house.”
“Definitely sounds like it was worth the trip,” I said, giggling.
“You might not know this about Scott, but he was a pretty good mechanic. The way they make cars today, you can’t really fix them. But with my old beater, he was a magician. It was like he could talk to that car and know exactly what the problem was and how to fix it.”
“Thanks for telling me that. I feel closer to him just knowing that detail.” I smiled, but as I thought about it I realized there was so much I didn’t know about Scott. I felt the tears come as the pain of what Jonathan and I had truly lost stabbed my heart. I choked on my words, “Glenn, I want Jonathan to know who his daddy was.”
“I promise to tell you everything I remember, Beth. Between the two of us, Jonathan should know his dad pretty well.”
I looked at him across the fire. The shadows produced by the flames danced across Glenn’s face making him look dark and mysterious. For a second I was reminded of Scott and had to shake the idea from my mind. “Thanks,” I mumbled.
I got up and poured myself another cup of coffee. “You want any?” Glenn held out his cup and I filled it to the brim.
When I sat back down, I shared something that had been troubling me. It was something I hadn’t told anyone, because I felt so ashamed. “I wonder how Scott’s family is doing, especially today. I haven’t talked to them in ages.” I looked at Glenn consumed by guilt. “I know that’s terrible, but it hurts too much to associate with them.”
I was relieved when he answered, “His dad is doing as well as can be expected. I actually talked to him yesterday. Jeannie is having a harder time dealing with it. Scott and she were pretty close growing up. But I’ll be sure to tell Mr. Reiner that you are thinking about them. He understands, Beth.”
“Do you talk to him often?”
“Every other week.”
“I didn’t realize you were so close to Scott’s dad.”
I noticed Glenn tense. His whole demeanor changed as if I had hit an exposed nerve. It left me confused, but I was afraid to press him about it. The day had been emotional enough. “You know what?” I said, “Let’s just concentrate on the beauty of the night.”
I got up and grabbed my jacket. I wadded it up into a pillow and lay down next to the fire to watch the flames dance. They were alive, just like the water. Then I looked up at the stars. Without the city lights, you could see how many there really were. They twinkled randomly as if they were jealous for my attention.
Everything was alive. I felt connected to it all and it gave me hope and inspiration. “I understand now,” I whispered to the heavens. I was not alone, even without Scott by my side. I was a part of everything and everything was a part of me. There was no death, only change.
When the fire died down, Glenn and I made our way to the tent. We crawled into our cold sleeping bags and snuggled down for the night. An hour later, I was shivering uncontrollably. The ground had become increasingly uncomfortable in that time, as every tiny rock and grass clump dug into my side. It didn’t matter how I positioned myself, I couldn’t find relief.
“Glenn?”
“Yeah, Beth?”
“I don’t like this part of backpacking.”
I heard low muffled laughter coming from his sleeping bag.
“To be honest, I would prefer a nice cabin and a soft warm bed.”
He popped his head out from inside his sleeping bag. “I concur.”
“Maybe this is why we never went backpacking with Scott.”
Glenn began laughing again and I joined in until my sides ached.
Sleeping on the hard ground was worse than sleeping in a hospital, but at least it was a memory I could associate with Scott. “I love you, babe,” I said quietly before I eventually drifted off.
I felt his loving presence surround me and I dreamed of happier times.
Release
The day in the mountains helped prepare me for the next difficult obstacle ahead; forgiving the man who had done this to us. I’d read from trial documents that Charles Freeman was carelessly switching the dials on his radio when he struck my husband’s car at 47 miles an hour as Scott was making a legal left-hand turn. Apparently Charles’ airbag saved him, but the angle of the hit gave Scott no protection whatsoever. He never had a chance.
Alcohol was not involved and Charles Freeman had not been in trouble with the law before. For all intents and purposes, he was a good man who made a horrible error in judgment and killed my husband because of it. He was sentenced to five years on probation, 600 hours of community service and victim empathy classes. He was also prohibited from driving during his probation period.
Angie came to visit a few days before I was to meet with him. “I’m seeing Mr. Freeman on Friday,” I announced to her.
“Oh Beth, do you feel ready for it?”
“No.” I looked at her sadly and admitted, “but then I don’t think I ever will be.”
She poured us each a glass of Sangria. Angie had brought fresh cut fruit with her to make the drinks. Whatever she touched these days tasted delicious. She handed me a glass and asked, “Do you know what you’re going to say to him?”
I shook my head. “Not really. But I feel God is telling me to forgive the man.”
“I don’t think I could,” Angie stated adamantly. “If anything happened to Lucas I…” She looked over at me. “I’m sorry. This isn’t about me. I’m proud of you, Beth. You are a better woman than I am.”
“Honestly Ang, it is not that I am better, it’s just that life, God really, has put me in this position. Trust me, if I’d never met Scott I’d still be the same silly, jealous, immature twit I used to be.”
“I loved you that way, but I admi
re you now.” She held up her glass before taking a drink.
“Not sure I like being admired, but thanks.” I took a sip and exclaimed, “Oh Ang, this drink is amazing!”
“It’s one of Lucas’ favorites.”
I put the drink down and pushed it away from me. I still hadn’t gotten over her going on a trip with Lucas instead of being there for me on Scott’s anniversary. “You know Angie, you hurt me by not going on that overnight trip.”
She bowed her head. “I can’t tell you how upset I was not to be there for you.”
“I don’t understand why you would choose a weekend trip over me.”
“Beth, Lucas had this trip planned months ago. He’d put a lot of time and thought into it.”
“But you knew that date, Ang. Why didn’t you tell him to pick another weekend?”
“I didn’t know anything about it. It wasn’t until I asked him about camping overnight with you that he even mentioned it. He said he had a special surprise for me that he couldn’t reschedule.”
“And why couldn’t he reschedule?” I asked, pushing the drink farther away from me.
“It was too late. He said he would have lost thousands. Lucas was so excited about it, too.” She smiled guiltily. “I have to admit, it was luxurious.”
“So you cancelled on me so you could be pampered instead?”
“Look, I’m so sorry.” She put her hand on my shoulder tentatively. I twitched, resisting the urge to shake it off and pull away from her.
The fact was I still loved Angie, despite the fact I couldn’t depend on her anymore. I knew Lucas was to blame for the deep rift in our relationship. “So how’s it going between you two?” I asked.
“Great. No complaints.”
I didn’t fully believe her, but I had my own battle to fight and chose not to pursue the topic. “Can you wish me luck on Friday? I’m terrified of the pain seeing him is sure to cause, and I’m afraid I will say or to do something I’ll regret.”
“Of course!” She gave me a big hug and whispered, “Luck, luck, luck!” into my ear. “I’ll be thinking of you on Friday and sending you good vibes.”
I gave her a half-hearted smile. I missed the old Angie.
For extra support, I went to my small group the night before meeting my husband’s killer. The group took time during the session to pray just for me. I sat on a chair and they all gathered around with some people laying their hands on my shoulders. John spoke first, “Lord, help Beth tomorrow as she confronts the man who killed her husband in an unfortunate accident. Help her to have a heart of forgiveness. She desires release from the anger and hate she has felt the past year.”
Carol continued, “We hold Charles up to you as well. We pray that he has learned from his mistake and that both Beth and Charles will get what they need to move on.”
Rebecca added, “Infuse Beth with courage. She has heard your command to forgive this man. Help her to do it by your power and strength.”
Becki’s innocent voice spoke up last, “Jesus, you say we must love our enemies. Help Beth to love Charles as Christ would.”
I went to bed that night full of anxiety. I knew what God was calling me to do, but I had expected to feel overwhelming peace or confidence about tomorrow. Instead, I felt like a little kid going to meet the neighborhood bully knowing full well I would leave the encounter bloodied and broken.
The next morning, I drove to meet Charles Freeman at his home. I was proud I had actually made it out of the house, because I woke up that morning convinced I wasn’t ready. I’d decided not to go and had even gone so far as to tell my parents not to come babysit. But while I was taking a shower, the vision of the black vines crowded my mind and caused a wave of panic so great that it sent me to the shower floor. I could not live this way anymore. Until I forgave that man, I would remain a prisoner of my own hate. I’d reluctantly called my parents back and got ready to go.
When I arrived at Charles’ place, I noticed toys scattered on the front lawn of the large two-story house. It took several minutes before I was willing to get out of my car. I walked to the door, my heart skipping a beat with each step.
I had to force myself to ring the doorbell. When no one answered right away, I was tempted to run. Then I heard a dog’s bark and a child’s ringing laughter from inside. The door opened and I saw a man slightly older than myself with a haunted look in his brown eyes.
“Beth Reiner?” he asked, holding out his hand. I gingerly offered mine and he took it in a firm but gentle grasp. “Please, won’t you come in?”
A little girl who appeared to be about four was standing in the foyer. The golden-haired child grinned at me and I gave her a cheerless smile in return. Her mother came up from behind the child and introduced herself. “Hello, Mrs. Reiner. I’m Jennifer, Charles wife. We are both glad you came today.”
I nodded, my vocal cords too tied in knots to speak. Jennifer directed me into their living room and gestured towards the couch. The little waif followed and sat down next to me. I didn’t mind, she provided a pleasant distraction.
Once everyone was seated I forced myself to begin, “Thank you for letting me come today. I felt this was important.”
Charles licked his lips nervously. “Yes, I’ve wanted to talk to you for a long time now.” His eyes teared up. “Mrs. Reiner, I’m so sorry for what I have done.” Jennifer moved over to Charles, putting her arms around him. I looked away, jealous that she had the ability to do that and I didn’t. I prayed for God to help me through this.
Tears began to trickle down my face. His wife came to my aid by handing me a box of tissues. I took one without a word. The four year-old cocked her head to one side as if she was trying to figure out why her daddy and I were crying.
I suddenly heard the voices of young boys talking excitedly as a door slammed somewhere in the back of the house. Jennifer hastily got up hissing, “Boys, be quiet!” She apologized for the disturbance as she disappeared through the doorway.
I looked over at Charles. His eyes held the burden of immense guilt. I was glad to see it.
Charles started our conversation by saying in a hoarse voice, “Mrs. Reiner…”
“Call me Beth.”
He nodded and started over, “Beth, I cannot tell you how horrified I am to have caused the accident. I’m not the type of person who would hurt another human being.”
But he did, he killed an innocent man. I had nothing positive to say so I remained silent.
Charles seemed daunted by my lack of a response and paused for a second before continuing. “I relive that day over and over. How I wish I could stop myself from turning that damn radio dial. It was so senseless. What the hell was I thinking?”
I shook my head. I had no words of comfort for him. Charles was right; he should have kept his eyes on the road and spared all of us this heartache.
But when he looked at me again, I had to catch my breath. Charles’ eyes were filled with such tremendous agony. He spoke in a voice ragged with emotion, “I’ll never forget the sound when our cars crashed.”
I closed my eyes, trying not to envision the scene; trying not to imagine the last few seconds of Scott’s life.
“When I learned that I was responsible for the death of someone, I was and still am paralyzed with guilt. I am responsible for the death of your husband. I’m so terribly sorry.”
I’d lost Scott because of him, because of his carelessness. I spit out the words, “It was an accident.”
“My mistake cost the life of your husband and you son’s father. There’s no going back. I can’t change it. God, how I wish I could…” He mumbled softly, “It should have been me.”
I felt a surge of emotion when I heard those last words. His confession released the flood of anger I felt towards him. Neither of us could change what happened. It was pointless to wish otherwise. I looked into the eyes of his small daughter. His family needed him.
I did not want Charles wishing he was dead any longer. I was fina
lly able to speak the words I had come to say.
“I forgive you.”
He took a great intake of breath, but remained silent. Charles didn’t speak for several moments and then choked out, “Thank you.”
I looked at him and suddenly felt the need to embrace the man. He stood up as I approached. We held each other tightly and I allowed the pent up rage and pain to release in a deluge of tears.
I felt tiny arms encircle my leg. I looked down and saw his little girl hugging us both. I giggled through my tears. She looked up at me and smiled. Any remaining anger I had washed away as I bent down and hugged her.
I left a short time later. I felt completely drained and energized at the same time. I entered the house and immediately scooped my son up, swinging him around. His adorable smile added to my overall joy.
“I take it, it went well.” my father said, sounding relieved.
“Yes! Dad, I feel like another layer of my heart has become flesh. I feel different inside. I can’t explain it.”
My mom asked hesitantly. “What was he like?”
I smiled when I told her. “He’s a family man. They have kids and his wife seems nice. Charles was genuinely sorry for what he did. It feels good to forgive him.”
My dad said angrily, “Still, it was a careless thing for him to do and it cost Scott his life!”
“I know, Dad.” I walked over and hugged him. “I’ve spent the last year hating him for it, but no more. I’m letting go.” I swung Jonathan around again and my son laughed. “And it feels grrrreat!”
My parents left soon after. I could tell my father didn’t share my change of heart, but I assured him as he walked out the door, “I’m okay, Dad. There’s no reason to hate the man anymore.”
After they left, I put Jonathan in his highchair and placed Cheerios on the tray. He began picking them up with his chubby little fingers and stuffing them into his mouth. I sat down next to him with a dinner my mom had prepared for me.
I said a quick prayer before eating, “Thank you, God, for this day. Thank you for helping me to forgive Charles. I’m so grateful you do not leave us in our grief, but that you carry us through until we are ready to be healed. Please continue to bless us and the Freeman family.” I looked at Jonathan and smiled. “Amen.”
I picked up my glass of water to toast to my husband. “Scott, I know you already forgave the man who killed you. You probably did the instant it happened.” I held up my glass higher and toasted the air, “Here’s to your loving heart, babe.”
That evening, I logged on to share my experience with my Lighthouse friends:
____________
Title: Finally Free
From: Phoenix #1
____________
It’s taken me this long to finally forgive the person who killed Scott.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The guy actually seems like a good person. And he has a family of his own, including one of the cutest little girls I’ve ever met.
He’s been suffering greatly since that horrible day over a year ago, so it feels good to forgive him. I feel freer now…
Just thought I would share. Love you people.
--Beth
Open My Eyes
Angie surprised me whisking me away for lunch on a weekday. “I figured you needed a change of scenery, my friend.”
She wouldn’t tell me where we were going, so I transferred Jonathan’s car seat into her Ford Taurus. I had to admit, it was exciting to be on an adventure with Angie again. It reminded me of when we first met. She used to always take me on day trips to places around Denver that she wanted to investigate.
Angie drove us downtown and parked on a side street near the Denver Civic Center. I loved the hustle of downtown during the day. We stopped at a hotdog vender and Angie bought two brats with extra sauerkraut and mustard. She handed me one as we walked over to the park.
“Wow, I haven’t been downtown in forever,” I admitted.
She smiled knowingly. “I suspected as much.”
I put Jonathan down on the grass and handed him a miniature dump truck from his diaper bag. I pulled a handful of grass by the roots and put them in the flatbed of his truck. Jonathan giggled and grabbed some more.
“How’s that brat?” Angie asked.
I took my first bite and was delighted by the snap when my teeth broke through the skin. Meaty juices poured over my tongue and mixed well with the tanginess of the kraut and mustard. “Yum!” I answered enthusiastically between nibbles.
“Glad to hear it, girlfriend. I’ve been worried about you.”
I snorted while I chewed. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
“You look sad, like you’re looking for something and can’t find it.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m doing fine.”
“Fine has never been good when it comes to you.” She looked at me intently. “I think it’s time you started dating again.”
I choked on the brat and started coughing. “What? Are you kidding me? There’s no way I’m ready to jump back into the dating scene.”
Angie put her hand on my shoulder. “Beth, it’s time. I know Scott wouldn’t want you to be alone.” I tried to swallow, but it went down as a hard lump as my throat closed up around it.
“What do you think?” she asked teasingly, as a young man with a dark tan, muscle shirt and slicked back hair walked by us.
I blushed. “Really, Ang…”
“No, seriously. What do you think of that man? You won’t know what you want unless you start looking. I think he’s kind of foxy myself.”
I rolled my eyes. “Although he is nice looking, he’s trying too hard. Not my type.”
“True… I can see your point. You need someone more understated. Oh, what about that guy?” She’d asked a little too loud and the man turned towards us.
I looked away, pretending I didn’t know her.
Angie nudged me in the ribs. “Well?”
“Ang, he heard you. Good grief!”
She was not deterred. “Yay? Nay?”
I glanced at him again. “I do like a guy in a suit and tie…”
“Is there anything else you like about this one?”
“Hmm. Well, he seems to have an air of confidence without seeming conceited.”
“Confidence is important,” Angie agreed. She leaned in closer and asked, “You want to ask him on a date?”
“No!” I hit her arm hard. “I thought we were just window shopping.”
“Okay, okay!” she laughed. “At least you’re looking.” She pointed to another guy walking down the sidewalk. This one was tall and had brown hair—there was a slight resemblance to Scott.
“No,” I said emphatically.
“Really? I thought for sure you would go for him.”
“Scott was one of a kind.” I looked at her forlornly and added, “I don’t want to settle for a look-alike.”
“Good to know. Is there anything else you consider important in a potential date?”
“Besides a sense of humor, I like a man with kind eyes. Eyes are important to me.”
Angie looked beyond me, and then got a funny look on her face. “Oh my goodness, there’s Lucas!”
I looked where she was pointing and saw him walking on the sidewalk across the street. He was engaged in a conversation with several men as they walked briskly as a unit.
“Lucas! Hey, Lucas Tanner!” Angie cried.
He looked up and his whole face lit up when he saw her. He waved and then he saw me and his countenance suddenly became ice cold.
I thought to myself, The feeling is mutual, Lucas. Trust me.
Angie was bubbling with excitement. “I didn’t expect to see him here today.”
“Why don’t you run over and say hi? I’ll stay here and play with Jonathan,” I suggested, not wanting him anywhere near me.
“Are you sure?”
“Totally.”
As I watched Angie run to c
atch up with Lucas, I said out loud to Jonathan, “That man does not have kind eyes.”
I picked up a piece of kraut and held it out for Jonathan to taste. He took a bite and his little face screwed up in a humorous pucker. “Don’t you like it, eh little man? Well, Mommy loves sauerkraut.” He opened his mouth as if he wanted more. I gave him another piece and he made the same funny expression. It cracked me up. “You’re a glutton for punishment, aren’t you son?”
A couple passed by us. The young woman was laughing as they walked hand in hand. The man kept stealing kisses, much to the girl’s delight—he couldn’t seem to get enough of her. I turned away. It was too painful to watch.