“Southwest chicken sandwich?”
Charlotte makes a face and shakes her head.
“Four cheese pasta?”
She shakes her head again and I start to panic. I already closed the menu and handed it to the waitress so I could look cool and smart. Now I look like a tool because I can’t remember anything else on the menu. At this point it would probably be best if I could smack my penis into the table. It’d be more entertaining than this train wreck.
“What would you suggest?” I ask the waitress, trying to give her a look with my eyes that says “Help me the fuck out with this!”
“I would suggest you let her order for herself,” the waitress replies in a bored voice.
She is so not getting a twenty percent tip.
“You can order anything on the menu!” I tell Charlotte with my best air of authority.
“Yeah, thanks. I was planning on doing that anyway. Are you okay?”
No! I’m not okay because I love you and you won’t love me back if I don’t even know what the fuck you want to eat!
“I’m great! Money is no object.”
Now Charlotte and the waitress are both looking at me like I’m a douchebag, but I can’t shut up.
“She’ll have the most expensive thing on the menu.”
“Seriously, I’m fine with just soup and salad,” Charlotte states.
Soup and salad only costs ten dollars. That does not make me look cooler than Rocco.
“And she’ll have a bottle of wine. I’ll have a bottle too. As a matter of fact, buy those people a bottle of wine as well,” I tell the waitress, pointing at two women sitting at the table next to us.
“You want to order wine for people you don’t know?” the waitress asks.
Don’t question me. The customer is always right, God dammit!
“We’ll also have a cheesecake. A whole cheesecake. And so will those ladies over there.”
“I’m pretty sure those ladies are already eating cheesecake,” the waitress tells me.
Can you just help me the fuck out already?!
“Really, I don’t need a whole bottle of wine. Or an entire cheesecake.”
“We’ll just have one of everything on the menu.”
Take THAT, Rocco!
“I think I’ll give you guys a few minutes,” the waitress mumbles.
“No, no, it’s fine. He’ll have the Steak Diane, medium-well, I’ll have the French onion soup with a side salad and Italian dressing, and we’ll each have a glass of Moscato,” Charlotte explains with a smile as she hands the waitress her own menu.
And just like that, the next item on the list dies a slow, painful, emasculating death.
It’s probably best if I take a few days off from the list. My mental state demands it. It’s the last Friday of the month and that means Chicken Paprikash day. My mom makes the best Chicken Paprikash in the world and always invites a few people over when she makes it once a month. Tonight, my grandfather and his wife Sue are going to be joining us.
My grandfather George is pretty bad-ass. For the first few years of my life we lived with him, and I have some of the best memories ever from that time. He always let me watch whatever I wanted on TV, and I could swear as long as I never told my mom. My grandfather is the king of stringing together long, completely inappropriate words that hardly ever make sense but sound good coming out of his mouth when he’s pissed off. He used to let me practice my run-on sentence curses until one day I said “Shit-poop-hell-freak-monkey” and I was banned from cursing. He shook his head at me sadly and told me he was disappointed in my lack of effort.
I haven’t seen Pops in a few weeks, and since the entire freaking family is now aware of my love for Charlotte, I’m assuming he is too since my mom can’t keep her mouth shut. Hopefully he’ll be able to give me some good advice. He’s been married twice; he’s got to have something useful for me.
I walk into my parents’ house without knocking and see my grandfather sitting on the couch watching the Game Show Network. What is it with old people watching game shows? When I’m old, please don’t let me ever fall asleep in my recliner watching reruns of Family Feud.
“It’s about time you got here. There’s too much estrogen in this house,” Pops complains as he lowers the volume on the TV.
“Where is everyone?” I ask.
“Sue’s in the kitchen with your mother and Sophie.”
“Dad’s here, isn’t he?”
“Like I said, too much estrogen,” Pops deadpans.
Flopping down on the couch next to him, I let out a great big sigh.
When Pops doesn’t say anything, I sigh again, hoping he’ll get the hint.
“Just spit it out, kid. You know I don’t do the whole touchy-feely thing, so don’t expect me to ask you what’s wrong.”
I should be used to his crass bedside manner by now, but I’m not. Being subtle isn’t one of his strong suits.
“So, there’s this girl I’m in love with—”
“Yeah, Charlotte, I heard,” he interrupts. “She’s not out of your league, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Well thanks a lot. I wasn’t thinking that at all until now.
“She doesn’t know that I’m in love with her. We’ve known each other since birth, and it’s a little hard to just come right out and tell her at this point,” I explain.
“Stop being a pussy and just tell her,” Pops replies.
“But what if she doesn’t love me back?”
Pops shrugs and turns back to the TV. “Then grow a pair and get over it. Jesus mother of fuck Christ in a piss shithole, dick for brains, the answer is bathtub.”
Well, this little talk sure helped to boost my confidence. As I get up from the couch to go in the kitchen and check on dinner, Pops grabs my arm and pulls me back down next to him.
“Sometimes I get a little nervous too. Here,” he says, reaching into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a bottle of pills. “Take one of these vitamins. They’re good for brain stimulation and all that shit. Maybe they’ll help you strap on a set and use that brain of yours to figure out a way to come clean with Charlotte.”
Pops opens the lid and dumps two of the pills in my hand and then hands me his glass of water on the coffee table in front of him. Downing the pills in one swallow, I figure if they don’t help stimulate my brain into coming up with a better idea for showing Charlotte I’m in love with her, maybe they’ll calm my nerves about the ribbon cutting ceremony later tonight, or give me strong bones at the very least.
Something isn’t right. Something isn’t right at all. I want to have sex. I always want to have sex, but right now I want to have sex with the giant pair of scissors I’m currently holding in my hand and that wouldn’t be good at all. Sex and scissors should never mix.
I could totally fit my penis into the finger holes, though.
I’m also contemplating having sex with the drainpipe attached to the building to my left. And maybe even sticking it to the Rhododendron bush to my right. I wonder if anyone would notice if I got down on my stomach and just started rubbing myself against the curb? Is it still illegal to have sex with trees in Ohio? I need to stick my penis in something right the fuck now.
I glance out at the crowd of people gathered in the parking lot of Minney’s Adult Mart and wipe the sweat from my brow. Seduction and Snacks is the only distributor for Minney’s, so this ribbon cutting ceremony is a pretty big deal. I don’t have time for whatever is going on with me right now. I feel like I’m fifteen again and a gust of wind can get me hard.
“Dude, what’s wrong with you. You look like you want to kill someone. Or rape the pair of scissors you’re holding. Are you feeling okay?”
I glance at Tyler standing next to me and notice he’s wearing corduroys. Those would feel really good right now if I rubbed my penis against them. All soft and rough at the same time. Like a ribbed condom, but better.
“Why are you looking at my legs like that? Stop it,?
?? Tyler scolds.
Shaking the dark thoughts from my head, I quickly turn away from him and try to think of something other than sex.
“I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I was fine at my parents’ house but started feeling funny on the way over.”
That woman has really pretty knees. I’ve never had sex with knees before.
“I hope that is a real fucking gun in your pocket and you’re not excited to see me, otherwise this friendship is over. I don’t swing that way,” Tyler says in disgust as he stares at the crotch of my black dress pants.
Looking down, I realize I have the world’s biggest hard-on tenting the front of my pants. I quickly turn away from the gathering crowd and un-tuck my dress shirt from my pants to try and cover it up.
“Oh my God, why won’t it go down?!” I whisper yell.
“Try thinking about your mom naked. Wait, never mind, that just got me hard,” Tyler says with a laugh.
“God dammit, shut up! Shit. Baseball, Pops taking a dump, puppies dying, Barney,” I mutter, squeezing my eyes closed. “Holy fuck this is starting to hurt. Why won’t it go away?”
“Wait, this is a serious problem? I thought you were just kidding,” Tyler says after a few minutes of watching me mumble.
“It’s a serious fucking problem! It feels like there’s a penis inside of my penis trying to claw its way out and fuck everything in sight! I have to cut this ribbon in fifteen minutes. I can’t stand in front of all of these people like this,” I complain.
“Actually, this is probably the best place for you to be with this type of problem. I’m actually surprised there aren’t people whipping it out in the parking lot. Try smacking it,” Tyler suggests.
Before I can tell him that’s a dumb idea, the palm of his hand smacks against my dick with the force of a two-by-four. I immediately bend over at the waist and start dry heaving and calling Tyler every name I can think of.
“Hey, Tyler! Is Gavin okay?”
Oh holy fuck, Charlotte is here!
I can hear her heels clicking on the sidewalk, bringing her closer and closer.
“Oh my God! She can’t see me like this!” I panic, fumbling with the scissors and trying to get them to cover me.
“Hey, number five on the list is totally gonna happen right now!” Tyler says, clapping his hands together in glee.
“I’m not showing her my penis!” I whisper.
“Oh I’m pretty sure your penis has other ideas. He’s like an angry armadillo trying to claw his way out of a bunker right now.”
Staying hunched over, I turn around to face Charlotte, which is a really bad idea. Seeing Charlotte always turns me on. My face suddenly feels hot, and I’m lightheaded because all of the blood in my fucking body is now pumping through my penis. My angry armadillo penis.
“Are you okay? You don’t look so good,” Charlotte says as she puts her hand on my shoulder and starts rubbing small circles there.
“You might not want to touch him right now. That’s probably going to make it worse,” Tyler laughs.
“Shut the fuck up,” I growl under my breath as I try to stand back and wince when I feel my penis shift against my boxer briefs.
“Do you have a stomach ache or something?” Charlotte asks.
“His ache is a little lower than his stomach,” Tyler tells her with a smile.
“I have some Pepto in my car. I’ll be right back,” she tells me before turning away to rush back to her car.
“Mr. Ellis, we’re about five minutes away from the ribbon cutting. The photographer is just finishing setting up his equipment,” Chris Minney, the owner of Minney’s Adult Mart, tells me as she walks up next to me.
Sucking up the pain in my groin, I stand up. Her eyes flash right down to my tented pants.
“Well, um, huh. It’s good to see you’re so excited about our grand opening. I think we have some things inside that will take care of that,” she tells me with a pat on the back before walking away to talk to a few customers.
“Oh this is just awesome,” I complain.
“How long have you had this problem?” Tyler asks.
Looking at my watch I’m shocked to realize just how long it’s been.
“Almost two hours. I think my penis is broken. What if it never goes down? I can’t walk around like this forever.”
“Well, you’ve still got five minutes. Go around back and spank one out,” Tyler says.
“I’m afraid to touch it. What if it gets worse?”
“Dude, you don’t have a gigantor penis. It can’t possibly get any bigger. Maybe it’s stress. I get stress hard-ons sometimes. If The Gap gets really busy and I don’t have time to fold all of my jeans, it can turn into a problem.”
Sometimes I wonder why we’re even friends.
“Fuck. It’s probably those stupid vitamins my grandpa gave me before dinner. I knew I shouldn’t have taken those on an empty stomach,” I complain.
“Pops gave you vitamins? That doesn’t sound like something he would do. He’s not that nice. What kind of vitamins were they?”
I shrug and try to shift my weight to my other leg to alleviate some of the pressure. My penis feels like it’s going to explode. And not in a good way. In a blood and guts kind of way.
“I don’t know. He said they were vitamins. They were little, blue things.”
Tyler’s eyes open wide and he bursts out laughing. “Oh fuck, dude, Pops gave you Viagra!”
I shake my head back and forth in denial. “What? No. There’s no way he would just slip me Viagra and not tell me.”
Right? RIGHT?!
“Oh he totally did. But don’t worry, it’s not a problem until your erection lasts for more than eight hours I’ve heard,” Tyler says with another laugh.
“Okay, here’s the Pepto. This should help,” Charlotte says, coming back up to us and handing over the pink bottle while I scramble to hunch back over and dangle my arms in front of me.
“That’s probably not going to help. But I bet taking him around back for about thirty seconds would,” Tyler tells her.
“What?” Charlotte questions.
“Nothing. Just ignore him,” I tell her, taking the bottle of Pepto and swigging some of it for her before handing it back.
“Oooh, look. The photographer is ready to take your picture, Gavin. Make sure both your heads are smiling,” Tyler informs me before putting his arm around Charlotte’s waist and moving a few feet away.
Chris Minney walks back over and puts her arm around my shoulders. “This is so much fun. I’m so glad you were able to make it out tonight and do the cutting for us.”
The crowd gathers close as Chris turns us to face them and gives a little speech, thanking everyone for coming out to the grand opening.
As I move the scissors up to the red ribbon hanging in front of the walkway to the store, Chris pulls me closer and forces me to stand up straight. Right as I make the first cut and the flash of the photographer’s camera goes off, the snipped ribbon falls, draping perfectly on top of my hard-on.
The caption under the picture in the paper two days later reads:
“Employee of Seduction and Snacks was VERY Excited to Cut the Ribbon for Minney’s Adult Mart!”
“Hold his calls for the rest of the afternoon, Ava!”
I look up from my desk to see Uncle Drew barging through my office door with Aunt Jenny right behind him.
“I don’t answer his phone, Uncle Drew. Someone else does that,” Ava tells him from the doorway.
“Aren’t you his assistant?” Uncle Drew questions.
“Yeah, so?”
Uncle Drew rolls his eyes and ushers her out into the hallway before closing the door and locking it.
“What are you guys doing here?” I ask as Uncle Drew walks up to my desk and perches on the edge of it while Aunt Jenny takes a seat in one of the extra chairs.
“Well, I was originally coming here to commend you on an awesome boner shot in the paper the other day, bu
t we have more pressing concerns to deal with right now. Jenny, tell him what he’s won!”
Jenny looks at Drew in confusion. “Did he win something? I thought we were coming here to talk to him about sex?”
Oh my God.
“Gavin, I just found out from your mother that you’ve got a thing for Charlotte. What the fuck, dude? I can’t believe you didn’t come to me first. This cuts me deep, real deep, little man.”
I groan as I rest my elbows on top of my desk and put my head in my hands. It was bad enough that number five on my list actually happened by accident the other day and that I had to jerk off six times in one night before my fucking hard-on would go away. Now I have to deal with this. Aunt Jenny and Uncle Drew consider themselves sex experts ever since they started giving “Spicing Up Your Sex Life” classes at the local community college. They’ve even been approached by a publisher to write a “How To” book, and all of this has gone to their heads. Their sex life is unconventional to say the least. It usually involves props that defy nature and almost always ends in someone going to the emergency room. Why anyone would want to take advice from them is beyond me. There was an incident when I was younger that involved Skittles. I don’t know much about it, but I know that whenever my mom sees a bag of Skittles at the store, she dry heaves a little.
“I hear there’s a list. Why haven’t I seen this list? I should have had major input for this thing,” Uncle Drew complains.
“Should I bring out the condoms and the banana now or do you want to do that later?” Aunt Jenny asks him.
“Let’s hold off on that, babe. First, I want to make sure this list he’s using is in tip-top shape. Do you have ‘tell her she has moist folds’ on the list? That should definitely be on the list.”
Drew reaches into the bag he brought with him and begins pulling out various items: a blender, a wheel of Vermont Cheddar cheese, and a jock strap are the first to land on my desk.
“Eeeew, that’s … no. No that is not on the list, nor will it ever be,” I reply with a shudder.
“It should really be on the list Gavin,” Aunt Jenny tells me seriously.