“What the hell does a blender and cheese have to do with my sex life?” I ask, picking up the wheel of cheese from my desk and turning it over in my hands.
Uncle Drew quickly grabs it from me and sets it back down. “All in good time, little asshole. Leave the cheese alone. It needs to stay at room temperature.”
He continues pulling other items out of the bag that I really don’t even want to know what they’re going to be used for. Seriously? A small United States flag on a stick and a potted fern?
“Tell me you at least have something with role-playing on there?” Uncle Drew puts his hands on his hips and raises his eyebrows at me.
“I don’t think that needs to be on the list. The last time we played with rolls you got a yeast infection in your eye,” Aunt Jenny reminds him.
“Seriously? That can happen?” I ask Uncle Drew.
“You are never to speak of my yeast infection again,” he warns me before turning around to look at Aunt Jenny. “And, honey, I’m not talking about that night with the tubes of Pillsbury dough. I’m talking about the Brady Bunch thing. Where I’m Greg and you’re Marsha and you accidentally touch my penis at the dinner table while Alice serves us spaghetti.”
I’m going to throw up. It’s happening right now.
“Oh, I don’t like that one. The blow-up doll we use as Alice looks at me funny. I think she’s judging me,” Aunt Jenny complains.
“Yeah, Alice is kind of a bitch. I’ll blindfold her next time. Anyhoo, give me the list. I need to make sure you know what you’re doing,” Uncle Drew demands.
“Really, it’s not necessary. I’ve got it under control.”
Uncle Drew laughs and shakes his head at me. “You’ve puked in front of her, wrapped your schlong in a bow, and showed it to the entire city. You don’t have it under control. What we have here is a failure to know what the fuck you’re doing when it comes to chicks.”
Getting up from my desk, he walks over to the dry erase board on my wall and uncaps a marker. He writes moist folds in big, black letters across the top.
“Oh my God, erase that,” I complain.
“Fuck your mother, I’m not erasing it. This is important,” Uncle Drew says before writing role-playing right underneath it.
“What temperature is your ball sack running at now?” he asks, turning around and narrowing his eyes at me.
“What? I don’t know. Why are you asking me this?”
“Dude, to effectively produce sperm, your testicles need to be at least two degrees cooler than your core temperature. You should ice those little nuggets.”
Is this really happening right now?
“Or he could just stick a pair of sunglasses on his little balls. That would be cute!” Aunt Jenny laughs and claps her hands together in glee.
“Ha-ha, totally! A little pair of Hello Kitty sunglasses and a bonnet for his un-fucking-cool testicles,” Uncle Drew adds with a laugh.
“Can we please stop talking about my testicles?”
“You’re such a buzz kill, dude. Okay, next. Gag the groin ferret,” he states.
“I have no idea what that means,” I complain, watching him write the words on the board.
“Um, hello? Whack off, gag the groin ferret, spank the monkey, bludgeoning the beefsteak, corralling the tadpoles, tweaking the toucan. You should be doing it at least eight to twelve times a day at this point.”
I wince thinking about how I spent my evening after the ribbon cutting ceremony. I’m pretty sure I will never jerk off again.
“Can I bring out the condoms and banana now? Pretty please?” Aunt Jenny begs.
“I know how to put a condom on. There’s no need for that,” I tell her with a roll of my eyes.
“Are you sure about that? Last I heard, you were using them as balloons,” Uncle Drew says with a laugh.
“Oh my God, I was FOUR when that happened. It stopped being funny twenty years ago!” I complain.
“I just thought of another one, Drew. Make sure you do hallucinogenics before and after sex. You don’t want your muscles tightening up on you,” Aunt Jenny explains.
“Are you saying I should take drugs to have sex with Charlotte? I don’t even understand what is going on right now.”
Uncle Drew shakes his head at both of us before turning back to the board.
“She means calisthenics. Although a little pot might be just the ticket for you. If you get really stoned, it won’t even matter that you have a small penis and have no idea how to please a woman,” he says with a laugh.
“Fuck off, old man. I don’t have a small penis. And I know how to please a woman,” I fire back.
“Really? Quick, what are the ten erogenous zones on a woman? GO!” he shouts.
“I love when Drew touches my erroneous zones,” Aunt Jenny says with a sigh.
Ignoring her, I run through every article I’ve ever read in a magazine or online. “GAAAAH! Fuck! Um, neck, lips, feet, inner thighs—”
“BZZZZZZZZZZ. WRONG, FUCKER!” Drew interrupts.
“What? Those were totally right. And I wasn’t done yet,” I argue.
“Those are wrong. Want to know what the ten erogenous zones on a woman are? Number one: vagina. Number two: it doesn’t fucking matter if you’re touching her vagina right!” Uncle Drew shouts. “You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.”
I give him the finger before he turns back to the board and begins scribbling furiously.
“Jenny, get the lawn darts and the graham crackers out of your bag. We’re sending Gavin back to Sex-Ed. By the time we’re done with you, Charlotte will be eating out of your hand. Literally. Jenny does this awesome thing with Nutella and a lint brush that will blow your mind.”
Before my aunt and uncle walked into my office today, I had sworn off the list that Tyler and I made, vowing to never look at it again. Right now, that list is looking better and better.
The only way to forget everything I saw today is to bleach my eyes. But that really isn’t an option since I’d still like to be able to look at Charlotte. Instead, I’m getting drunk.
“You know what word isn’t used enough in the English language? Anal glands.”
I nod in agreement, not even really paying attention to Tyler since I’m currently staring at Charlotte across the bar. She’s so pretty and nice and pretty.
“I shouldn’t have had that last shot of Crown. I can’t feel my chalk,” Tyler mumbles.
I haven’t talked to Charlotte since Viagragate 2013 last week. She’s been busy job hunting, and I’ve been busy being mortified. I knew she’d be here at this bar tonight because we’ve been coming to Fosters every Saturday night for as long as I can remember. My mom used to bartend here back when I was little, and the same couple still own the bar. Mr. and Mrs. Foster are in their seventies. They always let us drink for free and constantly ask us if we want to play P.O.R.N. I have no idea why they always ask that, and frankly, I don’t want to know. Tyler swears that one of these times he’s going to take them up on their offer because he thinks they’ll take him into the backroom and show him their secret stash of old people porn.
All the alcohol I’ve consumed tonight hasn’t erased my fear that I don’t know how to please a woman. One sexual experience does not a master make. Ha! That rhymes with masturbate! Which I’m never doing again. What was I saying? Oh, yeah … I know how to power up a Jack Rabbit and make a woman come three times within a minute, in theory. But what if I actually get the chance to be with Charlotte and I suck balls?
Not that I would suck balls. There shouldn’t be any ball-sucking going on from my end of things.
Charlotte was already here at Fosters with a few of her girlfriends when we arrived an hour ago. I probably could have just gone over to her and pretended like she hadn’t seen my giant erection the last time we were together, but instead, I waved to her and proceeded to act aloof, taking a seat on the opposite side of the bar.
I don’t care if you saw me with a hard-on in publ
ic. It’s totally cool. Happens all the time. I am totally secure with my penis pop-ups.
“I think I’m going to make a new list,” I tell Tyler suddenly. “I’m going to use some of your ideas and some of Uncle Drew’s ideas and it’s totally going to work.”
I finish off my Jack and Coke and slam the empty glass on top of the bar.
“That’s a good idea, bro. You should totally drive the Honda to the Californias,” Tyler agrees.
“I just need to get rid of the disturbing things on Uncle Drew’s list. Did you know that goat testicles dipped in honey are an aphrodisiac? Or maybe it’s just honey …”
Tyler suddenly smacks me on the arm. “Dude. Charlotte is totally staring at you. Wow, she’s got a lot of facial hair.”
I look across the bar and see a guy waving at us a few stools down from Charlotte.
“That’s not Charlotte, you dick. That’s Brad Manginallo. We went to school with him.” I wave back at Brad and signal for him to come over and join us.
“Didn’t we used to call him Mangina?” Tyler asks.
“Yes. And he threatened to kick your ass, so you might not want to do that again.”
Brad comes over to us and I give him a pat on the back and pull out the stool on the other side of me.
“MANGINA!” Tyler yells in greeting.
“I see you haven’t changed at all, Ty,” Brad says with a laugh.
Brad was in a fraternity in college and a pretty cool guy, even if he was in the same frat as Rocco. For some reason, I was always told by my parents to stay far away from fraternities. It was actually one of their rules for letting me go away to college. No fraternities and no beer pong. Obviously, I obeyed the first rule. Not so much the second one.
“I hear you’re some big wig at a dildo plant or something,” Brad says with a laugh. “You always looked like the type of guy who liked to play with penises all day.”
I take that back. Brad is not a cool guy anymore.
“Yeah, he makes all those toys your mom uses on her huge vagina,” Tyler retorts. “MANGINA!”
Brad doesn’t look happy about Tyler’s repeated use of his nickname, and this makes me happy.
“Anyway, I’m working for my dad’s financial company. I’m pulling in about two-hundred K a year,” Brad tells us.
Was he this much of a douche in college?
“You’re so awesome, Mangina,” Tyler tells him with a smile.
“Don’t you still work at The Gap and live in your mom’s basement?” Brad asks him with another cocky laugh.
“Yeah, I still work at The Gap. But now I live in your mom’s basement and pay my rent with daily sperm deposits on her face. MANGINA!”
Brad is really getting pissed off now, but it’s obvious he’s trying to keep his cool so he doesn’t look like an asshole for punching Tyler in the face. Normally, I’m all for letting someone beat the shit out of Tyler when he’s saying dicky things, but this is too entertaining to put a stop to.
“Either of you dicks know who that hot chick is on the other side of the bar? She’s totally checking me out,” Brad informs us.
I don’t even bother looking across the bar because I’m pretty sure he’s talking about Charlotte, and the idea that she would find him even remotely attractive is disgusting.
Eventually, I look over at her just to see if she’s really eyeing Brad, but she’s not. She’s staring right at me. She smiles at me and I watch as she says something to one of her friends and hops down off of her stool on unsteady feet. She wobbles a little bit and her friends cheer and scream her name as she walks away from them and over in our direction. I’m pretty sure I heard one of them scream, “Give it to him, Charlie!” but I’m too busy wondering if I’m sober enough to punch Brad in the face if he says anything inappropriate to her.
My eyes grow wide and Brad immediately stops talking about how awesome he is as Charlotte squeezes her small body in between the two of us. With her back to Brad, she inches in between my legs and closer to me until our noses are almost touching.
“Hey, Gavin, why don’t you introduce me to your friend,” Brad says over Charlotte’s shoulder.
I ignore him and stare directly into Charlotte’s eyes.
“I’m a little drunk,” she whispers.
“Me, too.”
We smile at each other, and I can see Brad staring at us out of the corner of my eye.
She frowns. “I got into a fight with Rocco tonight.”
“I’m sorry,” I tell her, even though I’m not.
“My name’s Brad. I work for McDonald Investments downtown. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.”
I can feel Charlotte’s warm breath against my lips as she continues to stare at me. She’s never looked at me like this before, and I really hope I don’t do something stupid.
“Don’t lie, Mangina. You really work at the drive-thru of McDonald’s flipping burgers. Do you want fries with that, Mangina?” Tyler says with a laugh.
“So, my girlfriends all dared me to do something to get back at Rocco. But I don’t know if I should do it,” she whispers.
I can’t process what she’s saying right now because she’s moved in closer, and I can feel her breasts up against my chest. She’s still a little wobbly on her feet, and since I’m such a gentleman, I place my hands on her hips so she doesn’t fall.
“But I kind of have to do it since it’s a dare, you know?”
I don’t know. I don’t know and I don’t care about anything right now but keeping her exactly where she is and never letting her go. She fits perfectly in between my thighs and she smells amazing, just like always.
“We should all go outside so I can show you my new Porsche. It’s parked right in front,” Brad says loudly.
“No one cares, Mangina. Get in the kitchen and make me a Quarter Pounder!” Tyler tells him.
“I’m totally going to do this dare right now, okay? So don’t freak out,” Charlotte adds softly.
I nod in reply as I stare at her lips while they move. She has such pretty lips.
“Stop being a dick, Tyler,” Brad threatens.
“At least I have a dick and not a MANGINA!” Tyler yells.
At this point, a few of the bar patrons have caught on to the shouting and join Tyler every time he yells Mangina. It’s a fun word to yell, and I would totally be doing it if I wasn’t so mesmerized by Charlotte’s mouth.
Tyler and Brad are still arguing back and forth from either side of me, and before I can tell them to shut up, Charlotte suddenly leans forward and presses her lips to mine. I instinctively open my mouth on a surprised gasp and she takes the initiative, sliding her tongue past my lips and tangling it with mine. Her hands move to the back of my head, and she clutches the hair at the nape of my neck, pulling me harder against her mouth and deepening the kiss.
As half the bar starts chanting, “Mangina, Mangina, Mangina,” I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her close, pouring everything I have into this kiss. Her friends dared her to kiss me so it means nothing to her, but it means everything to me and I want her to know that. All thoughts fly from my mind as our lips move together in perfect sync. She tastes like wine and I want to devour her. Her tongue glides against mine slowly, and I moan into her mouth, pulling her tighter against me. I move one of my hands up to her face, cupping her cheek as I deepen the kiss. I can’t help myself; I slide my hand around to the back of her neck and grab a handful of her hair, clutching it in my hands. She whimpers against my lips and I’m instantly hard.
Charlotte suddenly ends the kiss and pulls her head back to stare at me. Her eyes are wide with shock, and I’m pretty sure she’s completely mortified that she just kissed her best friend even if she’s drunk. She probably thought it was a great idea at the time, and now she’s regretting it because she can totally feel my hard-on pushing into her. A kiss between friends changes everything, even if it’s just a dare.
She slides out from between my legs without saying a word, and I watch her walk
back to the other side of the bar to her friends. They all start giving her high fives and scream her name in congratulations for a perfectly executed dare. They surround her, and in the midst of the chaos, she looks back over at me. She doesn’t smile. She just stares.
Tyler smacks his hand against my back, and I break our eye contact to turn and look at him, hoping he witnessed what just happened so he can tell me it was real. It feels like a dream right now.
“Dude, that was the best thing I’ve ever seen,” Tyler says in awe.
Thank God. He saw. It was real. I wasn’t dreaming.
“Right? I’m freaking out a little bit right now. I can’t believe that just happened.”
Tyler nods his head in agreement and signals the bartender.
“We need two shots of Crown for me and my buddy here. The most epic thing in the entire world just happened and we need to celebrate,” Tyler tells the bartender.
The guy pours us two overflowing shots of Crown, and when he walks away, we each grab our glasses and hold them up in the air.
“Tonight we toast to something amazing. A man was brought to his knees and will never be the same again,” Tyler states.
I wasn’t actually brought to my knees since I was sitting. But it works. If Charlotte had kissed me while I was standing, I probably would have lost all feeling in my legs.
We clink our shot glasses together, and as I bring mine up to my lips, Tyler adds, “To Mangina. Thanks for looking at some chick tonight and screaming ‘WILD PUSSY!’ at her. The punch she gave you to the face was the best thing I’ve seen in my entire life.”
Rolling over in bed, I’m immediately assaulted with a pounding headache and the need to throw up. I groan as I move both of my hands up to my head and hold it in place. Slowly opening my eyes so that the bright morning sun doesn’t make it feel like knives are stabbing through my skull, I scream and scramble up the bed until I slam against the headboard.
“HOLY FUCK WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!”
Tyler opens his eyes with a groan and glances up at me. “Will you stop shouting? It’s too early for this shit.”