I stare in horror as he reaches down and scratches his balls.
“Dude, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NAKED?” I yell again.
Tyler yawns and scoots up until his back is against the headboard next to me. I immediately move as far away from him as possible without falling off the edge of the bed.
He casually looks down at himself and then up at me. “Oh my God. I’m naked and you’re afraid. It’s the Ohio version of Naked and Afraid. You should be building a fire and trying to make a bikini out of palms right now.”
“Why do we make such bad life choices?!” I shout.
“Naked … and afraid,” he whispers menacingly with a laugh as he pulls one of legs up to rest his arm on top of it casually.
“What the hell happened last night? I don’t remember anything after that last shot, except for a bunch of people screaming ‘Wild Pussy’ all night. Did that really happen?” I ask him as I get up out of bed and try to locate my cell phone.
“I roofied you because I wanted you naked … and afraid,” Tyler says again in a sinister voice.
As I get down on my knees to look for my phone under the bed, I hear my front door open and close. Before I can yell at Tyler to put some fucking clothes on, my dad is in the bedroom doorway.
“Gavin, I brought over some of your mail that …”
He trails off when he sees me on my knees at the edge of the bed and Tyler casually lounging naked against the headboard.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I tell him with a sigh as he stares at both of us in horror.
“Yo, Mr. Ellis! Welcome to Naked and Afraid,” Tyler says with a wave to my dad.
“I feel like I’m in The Crying Game right now,” Dad mutters with a sad shake of his head.
Tyler swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up, putting his hands on his hips. “Did you bring your lovely wife with you this morning? I should go and say hi.” Tyler smiles.
“Tyler, for the love of God, cover your junk. I just had breakfast and I might puke. Gavin, your mail is on the counter. And just so you know, your mother and I will still love you no matter what life choices you make.”
Dad turns and walks away as Tyler swings around gives me a big smile. “Naked … and afraid, mother fucker!”
I don’t know what happened last night, but at least I remember one thing. Charlotte kissed me. That means I have successfully completed one item on the list. I’m no longer oh-for-four. Game on, bitches!
“So let me get this straight. There’s a secret testing room at Seduction and Snacks and I haven’t been invited? Remind me again why we’re still friends?” Tyler asks as he kicks back in his chair and puts his feet up on my desk.
“It’s not what you think. Women don’t go in there and actually USE the toys. Get your feet off of my desk.” I reach over and smack the bottom of one of his shoes.
“You’re totally lying to me right now. I bet you have a two-way mirror in this place somewhere and you can just sit there watching hot chicks diddle themselves. I can’t believe you’ve kept this from me all these years,” Tyler complains.
I made the mistake of telling Tyler that we had a product-testing group coming in today to give us their thoughts about our newest toy, The Telephone. Every time we come out with something new, we send out free samples to fifty customers who’ve signed up to be on our testing list. They agree to use the product for at least a week and then come in on a scheduled date to discuss the product with other customers and fill out a survey about it. We do it in small groups of ten, and today the first group for The Telephone is showing up in a half hour. Tyler called me to see about meeting for lunch, and when I declined and gave him the reason, he hung up on me. Fifteen minutes later he showed up in my office.
“I’m not lying to you. It’s actually pretty boring. We do have a two-way mirror, but I just sit on the other side taking notes about people’s opinions.”
Tyler shakes his head, still not believing me. “Liar. Take me to the diddlers.”
Ava walks into my office and places the form I gave her an hour ago in front of me. “Gavin, I can’t figure out the copier, so you’re going to have to get someone else to make copies of these surveys.”
“Ava, you’re looking particularly slutty today. How about we get out of here and—”
“Stop talking to me,” Ava interrupts.
Tyler places his hand over his heart and pretends to look wounded. “That hurts, Ava. Really hurts.”
“Just being in the same room with you makes me want to start taking antibiotics,” Ava complains before turning back to me. “So, anyway, I can’t make these copies. It’s too hard.”
Sighing, I grab the survey and get up from my desk. “Ava, all you have to do is punch in the number of copies you want and then hit print. It’s not that hard.”
I don’t know why I even bother; she’s already on her cell phone, ignoring me.
“So, Ava, did you hear that our boy here sucked face with your sister Saturday night?” Tyler asks as she walks past him. She stops in her tracks and looks up from her cell phone.
“I may have heard something to that effect. What do you know?”
I watch as Tyler slides his feet off of my desk and leans closer to her. “I heard it was pretty hot. I was there, but I was otherwise occupied making fun of a man with a vagina. What did you hear?”
Ava shrugs and takes a step toward him. “I heard the same thing. I also heard that both parties were pretty into it and haven’t spoken of said event since it happened.”
Tyler nods and rubs his chin with his thumb and forefinger. “Interesting.”
What is going on right now? These two can’t be in the same room together without strangling each other, and now they’re talking about me like I’m not standing right here.
“I think we should go somewhere and discuss this privately,” Tyler informs her.
There is no way this can happen. I don’t want Tyler divulging any of my secrets to Charlotte’s sister. I’m sure I don’t have to worry though; Ava hates him.
“I think that can be arranged,” Ava replies.
Son of a bitch!
“Hello? I’m standing right here,” I remind them.
They both turn around to look at me and then go right back to their discussion.
“I need to see a chick about a telephone. I’ll meet you at Fosters in an hour,” Tyler tells her.
“No one is meeting anyone in an hour. Ava, you don’t get off of work until five.”
Ava sighs and looks over her shoulder at me. “Gavin, I need to leave work early today for a doctor’s appointment.”
“DENIED!” I shout.
“I’ll see you in an hour,” Ava tells Tyler before walking out the door.
“She’s a bitch, but she’s got potential,” Tyler muses as he stares at her ass while she leaves.
“You are not meeting up with her to tell her about the list,” I demand as I head out the door to make copies of the survey. Tyler jumps up from his seat and follows behind me.
“I won’t tell her about the list, vagina face. Give me a little credit here. She’s got the inside scoop on Charlotte. I can feel her out, or up, and find out if that kiss the other night moved you up a few notches on Charlotte’s love scale.”
Sticking the survey into the copier, I slam the lid down and angrily punch the buttons for copies. “You can’t even stand Ava. Why would you want to spend even a minute alone with her?”
Tyler shrugs and grabs the copies as they spit out of the machine. “I don’t have to like someone to use them for sex. Seriously, it’s like you’ve grown a vagina since the last time you banged a chick. How do you not know this information already?”
At this moment, I should probably threaten Tyler’s life and tell him that Ava is like a sister to me and if he hurts her I will dismember him. But really it’s Tyler I’m worried about. Ava is like a praying mantis on crack. She will not only chew off his head after she has sex with him, she will have se
x with his headless body afterwards and then light it on fire.
I really don’t want Tyler and Ava alone together where potential secrets could be leaked, but maybe Tyler can use his evil powers for good and find out what Charlotte is thinking.
We walk to the end of the hall and enter a room with a row of chairs facing the double-sided glass, and I take a seat in the middle. Tyler walks right up to the glass and puts his face against it.
“Holy hell, look at all those hot girls. And to think, right before they came here they probably had a few orgasms. Is this what Heaven is like?”
I roll my eyes at Tyler and check my watch. It looks like all ten consumers are in the room; we just need to wait for Aunt Liz to get here to start the meeting.
A few minutes later while Tyler is busy licking the glass, the door flies open and Aunt Liz comes rushing in, out of breath and looking frazzled. “Do you have the surveys?”
I hand them to her and she takes a moment to flip through them and catch her breath. “There was a breakdown on one of the machines in the plant and I’ve been on the phone with them for the past three hours trying to get it fixed. Of course it’s the one producing The Telephone and everyone is freaking out.”
Tyler turns away from the glass and walks up to Aunt Liz. “You’re a busy woman. How about you go back to your office and relax. I’ll take care of this meeting.”
She looks up from the surveys and raises her eyebrow at him. “You know that none of those women in there are going to actually masturbate today, right?”
Tyler crosses his arms in front of him and glares at her. “Why is everyone lying to me today?! It’s like you WANT me to cry.”
Aunt Liz sighs and turns back to me. “Alright, I think I’ll head in there and see what’s what. A few of them emailed me questions that I need to answer. Mostly they just want to know why we made a toy shaped like a phone and called it The Telephone.”
“Why did you make a toy like that? It doesn’t exactly shout, ‘Hey, let’s have sex!’ unless it’s designed for people who call hookers. Or maybe sex phone operators. I knew those chicks weren’t faking it,” Tyler complains.
“Actually, Gavin should know the story around The Telephone,” Aunt Liz says with a laugh.
I look at her in confusion and shake my head. “No, I don’t know any story. I just know my dad surprised Mom for their anniversary with the specs for the toy. Should I know the story?”
Aunt Liz crosses her arms in front of her and cocks her head to the side. “You seriously don’t remember telephone calls when you were little?”
Wracking my brain to try and remember what the hell she’s talking about, I have a faint memory of my parents constantly talking about making phone calls. I guess now that I think about it, they used to always put a movie on for me and tell me they had important phone calls to make. My mom was always really busy getting Seduction and Snacks up and running so I assumed she just had a lot of business calls to make.
“Oh my gosh, this is the best day ever,” Aunt Liz states happily. “So, yeah, when they said they were making phone calls they were really having sex.”
I can feel all of the coffee I drank this morning churning in my stomach. I know everyone’s parents have sex. I’m not stupid. But MY parents shouldn’t have sex. My parents should have only had sex to procreate, so twice. I’m going to vomit.
“Your dad really liked to make long distance phone calls. And pull his antennae out,” Aunt Liz adds.
Covering my mouth with my hand, I shake my head back and forth.
“I’m pretty sure they made a phone call in your room while you were sleeping. Maybe even on your bed when you were gone. I bet they even made phone calls in the front seat of the car while you were oblivious in the back. You know, some road calls under the steering wheel.”
Aunt Liz couldn’t care less that I’m about to curl up in the corner, rocking back and forth.
“Claire is so awesome. I need to see if she’ll add me to her friends and family plan,” Tyler says. “It could be worse, Gavin. You think imagining about your parents having sex is bad, try thinking about your mom masturbating. Now THAT’s disturbing.”
Vomit in my mouth. VOMIT IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!
“Wait, that’s not disturbing at all. Fuck, now I’m thinking about Claire flicking the bean.”
“Hooker, the group is waiting for you in there. What’s taking so long?” my mom asks as she steps into the room and closes the door behind her.
“Oh, nothing much. Tyler was just talking to your son about you masturbating, and I was telling Gavin about phone calls. I think he needs a minute.”
My mom looks at me with sympathy and mutters, “Oh dear. This could pose a problem.”
“When I was twelve, we went to Disney World and you wouldn’t let Sophie or me go in the jacuzzi tub in our room because you said dad’s phone broke in the tub when he was making a phone call. Tell me he was really using his cell phone in the tub!”
Mom bites her lip and then winces. “If by cell phone you mean penis, then yes.”
“OH MY GOD, MOM!”
She shrugs likes it’s no big deal. “The maid hadn’t stopped by yet. The jacuzzi was still contaminated.”
I shiver in revulsion as I imagine what exactly the tub would have been contaminated with.
“Claire, I need to talk to you about getting on your cell phone plan. I’m going to need a lot of extra minutes,” Tyler tells her with a wink.
“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Aunt Liz asks.
“No. But I’ll kiss Gavin’s mother with this mouth.”
Everyone needs to stop talking right now before my brain explodes all over this fucking room.
“Speaking of kissing, Charlotte kissed Gavin the other night,” Tyler adds.
“WHAT?!” Mom and Aunt Liz screech at the same time, whipping their heads in my direction.
“Oh my God, it’s happening, it’s really happening. We need to pick out a venue for the rehearsal dinner. Those things book fast,” Mom states, pulling out her cell phone and clicking on Google.
“Jesus, Mom, it was just a kiss. Stop googling restaurants.”
“Look up Stancato’s, I love their salads,” Aunt Liz says, standing behind my mom and looking over her shoulder.
“Fuck you, we’re not doing the rehearsal dinner at Stancato’s. Stop being such a whore for that place,” Mom complains.
“Hello! Will you two cut it out?” I shout.
“I’m going to punch you right in the vagina if you don’t pipe the fuck down,” Aunt Liz argues with my mom.
How did I lose control of this situation so quickly?
“Ladies, could I interest you in a pool of Jell-O while you hash this out?” Tyler pipes up.
Perfect. Just perfect. I find out my parents never actually made any important phone calls when I was growing up and locked me in my room just so they could bang, and now my mom and my aunt are back to planning a wedding between Charlotte and me when I don’t even know if she remembers that we kissed because she was so drunk.
This day can’t possibly get any worse.
“Jesus, Dad, what the hell happened?” I ask in a panic as I rush into the hospital room to find him in a gown, hooked up to a bunch of machines.
Toward the end of the testing meeting, my mom got a frantic phone call from Uncle Drew letting us know that my dad was rushed to the emergency room because he thought he was having a heart attack. My mom immediately hightailed it out of there, leaving Aunt Liz and me to quickly wrap up the meeting.
“The dragon on the ceiling has bingo teeth,” Dad says in a serious tone.
My eyebrows rise in surprise at his response, and I turn to my mom as she gets up from his bedside and walks over to me.
“Um, you should probably just ignore everything he says at this point in time,” she whispers.
“No, really. There are sharks on the planes in the window of the palm tree. My chin feels funny,” Dad mutters, reaching his han
d up and scratching his nose.
“What the fuck is wrong with him? Is he having a heart attack?” I question.
We both turn to look at him when he bursts out laughing, pointing at his feet. “There are kittens licking my toes! Look at the kittens! Hi, little kittens!”
Mom sighs and turns back to me. “The doctor is still running some tests, but right now it doesn’t look like a heart attack or anything serious. He was at work and told Drew he felt funny—dizzy and nauseous. Then all of a sudden he told Drew he couldn’t feel either of his arms so Drew freaked out and brought him here.”
Dad continues to point and laugh at the kittens that aren’t there, and a few minutes later, Tyler joins us in the room.
“I parked your car in the garage, Gavin. Saw Drew and Liz outside. They’re going to call everyone and let them know what’s going on.”
Tyler tosses my car keys to me and I put them in my pocket. I was so worried when we got here that I jumped out of my car in front of the emergency room and told Tyler to go park my car.
“So what’s going on with big daddy? Is he dying?” Tyler asks as he sidles up to my mom and puts his arm around her shoulder.
She elbows him in the ribs and moves away. “I’m going to chop off your arm and beat you with the bloody stump. Gavin, I’m going to go get some coffee. Keep an eye on your dad. Call me on my cell if he starts crying again.”
Mom walks over to my dad and kisses him on the cheek before leaving the room. I move around to the side of his bed and take the seat my mom had been occupying.
“How are you feeling, Dad?” I ask.
“These chicken feet have pot whistles,” my dad complains to the ceiling.
I sigh and look over at Tyler. He looks a little guilty. He’s biting his nails and staring wide-eyed at my dad.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure all of your wishes that he would die so you could make a move on my mom aren’t coming true,” I tell him with a laugh, trying to lighten the situation now that I know Dad isn’t really having a heart attack.
“My penis is a pirate and I fight crime with a meat whistle sword. Who wants to pet my goat?” Dad asks.