Trying to play it cool, I twisted my head in his direction to make it seem like I was looking past Mr. Beautiful Eyes to see if Henry was coming. In all reality, I was just trying to get a peek of the banmoy against the train station wall.
My breath picked up. He saw me. Moving my feet against the sidewalk, I hummed to myself, trying to play cool and failing dramatically at it. I held my book upright in front of my face.
“‘Doubt thou the stars are fire. Doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar. But never doubt I love,’” he quoted.
My book dropped down to my lap. I stared at Mr. Beautiful Eyes with confusion. “Shut up.”
His grin disappeared and a level of apology filled his face. “Oh, I’m sorry. I just saw you were reading—”
“Hamlet.”
A finger brushed across his upper lip, and he stepped closer. Putter. Putter. Heart. Heart. “Yeah… Hamlet. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you,” he apologized, and his voice was very sweet. Almost what I thought honey would sound like if it had a voice. I didn’t really need an apology though. I was just happy to discover that there were other people in the world who were able to quote William.
“No. You didn’t. I-I didn’t mean shut up as in the, ‘close your lips and stop talking,’ type way. I meant it more in the way of, ‘Oh crapballs, shut up! You can quote Shakespeare?!’ It was more that style of shut up.”
“Did you just say ‘crapballs’?”
My throat tightened up. I sat up straighter. “No.”
“Um, I think you did.”
He smiled again, and for the first time, I noticed how disgusting the weather was. It was ninety degrees outside. My palms were sweating. My toes were sticky. There were even a few specks of sweat dripping from my forehead.
I watched his mouth open and I parted my lips at the same time. Then I shut mine fast, wanting to hear his voice more than my own.
“Visiting or staying?” he asked.
I blinked. “Huh?”
He laughed and nodded once. “Are you visiting town or staying for a while?”
“Oh,” I replied, staring at him for too long without saying anything else. Talk! Talk! “I’m moving. Here. I’m moving here. I’m new in town.”
He raised an eyebrow, interested in the small fact. “Oh? Well.” He pulled the handle of his suitcase with his right hand, moving closer to me. A full-grown grin brushed across his face, and he extended his left hand my way. “Welcome to Edgewood, Wisconsin.”
I looked at his hand and then back up to his face. Pulling my book to my chest, I wrapped my arms around it. I couldn’t touch him with sweaty palms. “Thanks.”
He sighed slightly, yet his grin remained. “All right then. Nice meeting you.” Pulling his hand back to his side, he began walking away toward the taxi that had just arrived at the curb.
I cleared my throat, feeling my heart pounding against Hamlet and Ophelia’s pages, and my mind started to race. My feet demanded that I stand up, so I leaped from the top of my suitcase, knocking it over.
“Are you a musician?!” I screamed toward the banmoy, who was disappearing down the strip. He looked back to me.
“How did you know?”
I took my fingers and tapped them against my novel in the same rhythmic pattern he’d tapped his fingers on the train. “Just wondering.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Do I know you?”
I scrunched up my nose and shook my head back and forth. I wondered if he saw the sweat fly from my forehead. I’d hoped not.
Slowly, his teeth bit down into his bottom lip. I saw his shoulders rise and fall from the small sigh he released. “How old are you?”
“Nineteen.”
He nodded and ran his hand through his hair. “Good. You gotta be eighteen to get in. They’ll make you wear a stamp and they’ll double-check IDs at the bar, but you can listen and stuff. Just don’t try to buy alcohol.” I tilted my head, staring at him. He laughed. Ohhh, what a beautiful sound that is. “Joe’s bar, Saturday night.”
“What’s Joe’s bar?” I wondered out loud. I wasn’t sure if I was speaking to him, to myself, or to those damn butterflies ripping my insides to shreds.
“A…bar?” He voice raised an octave before he laughed. “My band and I are performing at ten. You should come. I think you’ll like it.” He proceeded to give me argumentatively the kindest smile in the world. It was so gentle that it made me cough nervously and choke on air.
He held his hand up to me and smiled as he waved goodbye. With that, he closed his taxi door and he went his own way.
“Bye,” I whispered, watching the car pull off. I didn’t look away until it rounded the corner out of the lot and went far, far away. I looked down to my book clenched in my hands and smiled. I was going to start from the beginning again.
Gabby would have loved this weird, awkward moment.
I just knew it.
I’m not going to look back,
I’m not going to cry.
I’m not going to even ask you why.
~ Romeo’s Quest
The engine in Henry’s 1998 yellow, rusted pickup truck roared like it was going to explode as he pulled up to the Amtrak station. The station was packed with families traveling, people hugging and crying and laughing. People were diving into the art of human connection.
It all made me uncomfortable.
I sat on top of my suitcase with Gabby’s wooden box in my lap. Running my fingers through my hair, I hoped to avoid the same connections that the rest of the world seemed in search of.
I was melting away in the black thigh-length dress I was wearing, and the night heat of the Wisconsin air crept up unwelcome under my legs. I was burning my butt off in the late night, but I hadn’t thought I would actually have to wait over an hour for Henry to pick me up. I should have known better, but alas. Sometimes I wondered if I would ever learn.
I waited for Henry to inch closer to the curb. His front tire rolled over an empty water bottle. I watched as the plastic bottle quivered under the pressure of the wheel and the cap popped off, flying across the sidewalk, landing against my foot. Pushing myself off my vintage floral case Mom had given me for my sixteenth birthday, I clicked the button and yanked the handle up, rolling the suitcase to the truck.
Ugh, does his car have to be so loud?
Henry hopped out of the car and walked around the front to greet me. His forest-green shirt was halfway tucked into his belted blue jeans. His left shoe was untied, and I could smell the small scent of tobacco resting against his beard, but for the most part, he looked good.
For a split second, he struggled with the idea of hugging me and longing to experience that same human connection the other people surrounding us were undertaking, but he changed his mind after watching me shift around in my heels.
A short chuckle left his lips. “Who wears a dress and high heels on a train?”
“They were Gabby’s favorite.”
The silence grew solid, and the swelling tide of memories started to fill my mind. Henry was probably remembering, too. Different memories of the same extraordinary girl.
“Is that all you have?” he asked, pointing toward my life that lived inside the suitcase. I didn’t reply. What a stupid question. Clearly that was everything. “Let me get that—” He stepped forward to grab for it and I hesitated.
“I got it.”
He sighed, running his hand through his peppered beard. He looked older than he should, but I imagined regret and guilt could do that to a person. “Okay.”
I tossed the suitcase into the back of his truck and walked to the passenger’s seat to climb in. Yanking at the door, I rolled my eyes. I shouldn’t have been surprised that his crap was broken down—Henry was a pro at broken and screwed up.
“Sorry, kiddo. That door has been giving me a bit of trouble. You can climb in from my side.”
My eyes effortlessly revolved again, and I walked to the driver’s seat, climbing in, hoping not to flash the pass
ing cars with my underwear.
We drove in silence, and I imagined that this was what my next few months would be like. Awkward silences. Weird interactions. Odd crossings. Henry might have been the guy on my birth certificate, but when it came to being my father, he wasn’t known for his ability to show up.
“Sorry about the heat. The damn air conditioner went out last weekend. I didn’t expect this type of heat here. Did you know it’s supposed to get close to the hundreds later this week? Damn global warming,” Henry stated. I didn’t reply, so I guess he took it as an invite to keep talking. It wasn’t an invite of any sort. I really wished he wouldn’t try for the small talk. I hated small talk. “Gabby said you were working on a book, eh? I was able to get you into advanced English with a great teacher. I know people say that we hire the best of the best, but to be honest, there just happens to be a few dull nuts floating around.” He chuckled to himself.
Henry was the assistant principal at Edgewood High School, which would soon enough be my high school after these final days of summer vacation were over. The last one hundred and eighty days of my high school career would be spent with my biological father roaming the hallways. Perfect.
“It doesn’t matter, Henry.”
I saw him cringe when I called him by his first name, but what else was there to call him? ‘Dad’ seemed too personal, and ‘father’ seemed too—preachy. So Henry it was. I cracked my window down a bit, feeling overwhelmed by this new life filling my mind.
Henry glanced my way and cleared his throat. “Your mom mentioned you had bad panic attacks?”
I rolled my eyes as a sign of teenage angst. Truth was I had suffered from bad panic attacks ever since we’d found out that Gabby was sick. But there was no need for Henry to know about that.
He changed the subject…again. “We’re really happy that you’re coming to stay with us,” he said.
My head whipped toward him and my eyes discovered his until he looked back to the road. I remained as still as a tombstone, needing answers. “Who’s we?”
“Rebecca…”
Rebecca? Who’s Rebecca?
“…and her kids,” he muttered, clearing his throat in an unpleasant manner.
My shoulders rolled back and my eyes broadened. “How long have they lived with you?”
“For a little while.” His voice was mellifluous, begging me not to question the subject more in depth.
I didn’t care what he wanted. Also, I knew whenever his voice was smooth like it was that he was definitely lying.
“I mean, did they live with you before you called us for our birthday this year—three days late?” His silence answered my question. “What about last year? Did they live with you when you forgot to call for our birthday altogether?”
A discomfited mouth replied to me. “Shit, Ashlyn. What does it matter anyway? That’s in the past.”
“Yeah, and now it seems to be in my present.” I turned back in my seat, facing forward.
“Just a few months…” he whispered. “I’ve only lived with them for a few months.” After quite a few minutes of silence, he tried again to converse with me. “So what type of things are you into now?”
Feeling tired from the long train ride—and from my current state of life—I sighed, chipping at the tiny amount of black nail polish left from Gabby’s funeral. “Henry, we don’t have to do this. We don’t have to try to make up for lost time. After all, it’s lost. Ya know?”
He didn’t say much after that.
A loose thread hung from the bottom of my coat. I tugged on it and smiled to myself. Gabby would’ve told me not to do that to the string, how it would completely ruin the whole coat. Within a second, a poignant wave of grief swept over me. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of the hot air.
It’d been almost three weeks since I’d lost her, and there hadn’t been a day that I hadn’t cried. I’d cried so much I’d been impressed when the tears kept forming.
People always said it would get easier after losing someone. People said that, over time, it would get better. But I couldn’t comprehend how that could be true. As each day passed, it just became harder. The world only grew darker. The pain merely deepened.
My head crooked toward my passenger’s side window, and when I opened my eyes, I wiped away the single tear that was moisturizing my right cheek. My bottom lip quivered with restrained misery. I didn’t want to cry in front of Henry—or anyone at that. I much preferred crying alone in the shadows.
I wished Gabby were still alive.
And I wished I didn’t feel so dead.
Henry’s truck pulled into the gravel driveway of his home—my temporary place of residence. I was quick to note the two other cars in the driveway, a newer-looking nice black Nissan Altima and an older blue Ford Focus.
The house was huge compared to the two-bedroom apartment I’d lived in all of my life. The front bushes were perfectly trimmed and an American flag waved back and forth in the light breeze.
I kid you not—there was a white picket fence. A white picket fence!
There were three windows on the second level of the house, and in one of them, I saw a guy with headphones, peeking through his curtains. When our eyes locked, he disappeared in haste.
Ohmygosh. Henry really did live with other people. As he climbed out of the truck, I slid across the driver’s seat and stepped out. Before I could smooth out my coat, a woman—Rebecca, I assumed—was standing in front of me. Hugging me.
Why in the hell was this stranger touching me?
“Oh, Ashlyn! We’re so glad you’re here!” She squeezed me as my arms stayed glued to my sides. “God is good, bringing you to us. This is heaven-sent, I just know it.”
I blinked once and took a step back from her. “Heaven killed my sister so I could come stay with my estranged father’s family?”
A painful silence appeared, up until Henry snickered with uncomfortable laughter—which led to Rebecca’s chuckling uneasily.
“Here, honey. Let me grab your bags.” Rebecca moved to the back of the truck and Henry followed after her. They began to speak softly to one another as if I weren’t standing two inches away. “Where’s her luggage, Henry?” she whispered in a heightened sigh.
“This is all she has.”
“One bag? That’s it? Lord, I can only imagine her life in Chicago. We’ll have to get her some things.”
I listened but didn’t react to their words. Strangers. That’s all that the people behind the truck were to me. So for them to judge and try to figure out the life I spent in the past with my mom and Gabby only made their ignorance that much clearer.
Henry walked back toward me, my suitcase in his hand, and Rebecca followed close behind.
“Come on, Ashlyn. Let me show you around inside.”
Stepping into the foyer, I was shocked when I saw a huge framed portrait of their nice little family hanging against the wall. There was a brunette girl, who was a spitting image of Rebecca, blue doe eyes and all.
She looked to be my age but much more uptight based on her sweater-vest and past-the-knees skirt. Beside Henry was the boy I saw staring out the window. There was a forced smile on his mouth and a weird look of confusion in his eyes.
Henry noticed that I was studying the photo, and I watched a lump form in his throat. His mouth opened, but he shut it quickly when words didn’t come to mind.
“You have a lovely family, Henry,” I said dryly, moving on to the living room. The brunette girl from the photograph was sitting on the oversized, fluffy-looking chair reading a book.
She stood from her chair when she heard us enter, and a big, warming smile was sent my way. “Hi. You must be Ashlyn. I’m Hailey. We’ve heard so much about you.” She seemed genuine in her welcome, but I knew I couldn’t return the smile.
“Yeah? I wish I could say the same.”
She didn’t flinch from my rude comment yet kept smiling.
Rebecca moved behind me and placed her hands on my shoulders.
I really wished she would stop touching me. “Hailey, can you show Ashlyn to your bedroom?”
“We’re sharing a room?” I asked, hating the idea because I was in dire need of my own space.
“Yeah. I hope that’s all right. Don’t worry. I’m not a slob.” Hailey grinned and grabbed my suitcase from Henry. I reached for it, telling her that I could handle it, nut she refused. “It’s fine. Trust me. We’ll probably hate each other soon enough, so we might as well be nice for the time being,” she joked.
Her room was pink. Like, very pink. Four pink walls, pink comforters, pink curtains. There was a bookshelf with trophies and ribbons of all kinds. Horseback riding, soccer, spelling bees. It was clear that Hailey and I had grown up in very different lifestyles.
Could you imagine? A bookshelf with not a single book.
“I cleared out the two top drawers for you and the right side of the closet.” Hailey hopped on her bed, which was directly across from mine. I sat down too, running my hands over what appeared to be a homemade blanket. “So Dad said you’re from Chicago?” she asked.
I cringed at her word choice. “You call Henry dad?”
She cringed right back at me. “You call dad Henry?”
This was all getting to be too much. I wanted to ask her questions about how long she had lived with Henry, about how long she’d called him dad, but I didn’t want to know the answers.
After reaching for my suitcase, I pulled it onto my mattress and crossed my legs. Unzipping it, I sighed as the scent of Gabby’s favorite perfume floated out from inside.
As I dug through the suitcase, I pulled out all of Gabby’s favorite dresses and her favorite comfy clothes. Her CD collection came out next, and I stared at her favorite tunes, which we would blast through the living room on Sunday mornings while eating Cap’n Crunch and marshmallows.
“You two were close?” Hailey asked. Then she rolled her eyes at her question. “That’s a stupid question. Sorry. I mean—sorry for your loss.”