I glanced around at Hailey’s photos on the wall and saw more family photos and pictures of her friends—well, one friend—and a guy with his arms wrapped around her waist.
“That’s Theo, my boyfriend. Well, kind of. We are taking the remainder of summer break to meditate and figure out what it is we want from our relationship. Then when school starts, we’re going to see if our spirits vibe with one another still.”
The blank stare I delivered her way made her chuckle.
“Theo studies Buddhism, and I’ve learned a bit about it. Some of our most powerful interactions consisted of doing yoga together, releasing all the negative energy from our bodies.”
My mom had been very big into yoga for a weekend. She hadn’t stuck with it, but she had said that she’d felt more like herself during that time than she ever had. I didn’t know what to say to Hailey because she was kind of weird. Not weird like me, but weird like her.
I was convinced that everyone in the world had a form a weirdness to them. And the cool thing, at least I hoped so, was the idea that there was someone out there just as quirky as you were. The idea of finding your other weirdo was so attractive to me.
I was still looking for that.
“He wants me to have sex with him,” Hailey blurted out, and I could feel my face redden. Ohmygosh! She continued. “I’m waiting. Kind of why we’re on our break.”
I didn’t know what to say to her because her comment was pretty personal and I didn’t even know her last name. Were all people in Edgewood, Wisconsin, as forward as Hailey? Did girls just talk about their sexual encounters and stuff like it wasn’t kind of private?
I fell onto my bed. On the ceiling was a painted mural of a sky with clouds and birds. Hailey lay down on her bed and stared up, too. “Theo helped me with it. He said it helps balance my energy and brings peace into my personal space.”
“Hailey, no offense…but you’re really odd for someone who’s so pretty.”
“I know, but I think that’s where I get my spunk.”
I thought she was right. Being pretty and a snob was so cliché, but being a pretty oddball? Now that was something worth noticing.
The guy who had been staring at me from the window earlier stepped into the room and his head turned directly to Hailey. “Can I use your car?”
“Where are you going?” Hailey asked, her…younger brother? He seemed younger. Not by much.
“Out.”
She reached for her hairbrush on her side table and began running it through her long locks of hair. “Ryan, did you meet Ashlyn?”
Ryan gazed over to me with such a dull look that it would had been insulting if I hadn’t been returning the same bored expression his way. He sighed heavily, turning back to his sister. “Keys, Hails.”
“Did Dad say you could go?”
Ryan pulled out a cardboard box from his jeans pockets, opened it up, and pulled out an invisible cigarette, which he invisibly lit. Great. I was living with the crazy kids.
“He’s not our dad, Hailey. Christ! He’s her father.” Ryan’s hand gestured toward me.
“Could have fooled me,” I muttered, unpacking the rest of the things in my bag.
Ryan turned toward me, this time with a look of pleasure on his lips. He blinked and his stare went back to Hailey. “Is that a yes or a no?”
“No.”
“Ugh. You’re ruining my life.” He walked over to her and flopped down on her bed.
“Oh, grow up, Ryan.” Hailey continued brushing her hair and looked up to me. “Don’t mind him. He’s in this weird, stoner, ‘I hate the world’ phase of his teen years.”
Well, at least I could relate to one of the people in this household. Minus the stoner part.
“Don’t listen to her. She’s in this weird, hippie, ‘I love the world’ phase of her teen years.” Ryan smirked, sitting up. “I’m Ryan Turner.”
“Ashlyn.”
“Cool name.”
“My mom liked the names Gabrielle, Ashley, and Lynn and couldn’t choose. So Gabby became Gabrielle and I became Ashlyn.” I looked at the two sitting across from me and narrowed my eyes. “Who’s older?”
“Me,” Hailey smiled.
Ryan rolled his eyes. “By emotional age, maybe. By physical age? I take the crown.”
“I’m a junior. He’s a senior. We’re Irish twins. Nine months apart.” Hailey laughed, shoving her ‘emotional little’ brother in the shoulder.
“Why don’t you have a car, Ryan?”
“Because my mom hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you,” Hailey argued.
He gave her a sarcastic look, and Hailey frowned as if Ryan were telling the truth. He shrugged. “You’re really not going to let me use your car?”
“Nope.”
“But…I haven’t seen”—Ryan paused and glanced my way—“you-know-who in days.”
I arched an eyebrow. “Who’s ‘you-know-who’?”
Ryan and Hailey exchanged looks, having a complete in-depth conversation with their eyes and a few hand motions. I watched the Irish twins silently interact with one another and felt as if I were watching a Charlie Chaplin movie.
It was a reminder of how Gabby and I used to communicate without words, only with looks. I wondered if Ryan and Hailey knew how lucky they were to be so close. I also wondered if they knew how cursed they were.
Ryan tossed his hands up in the air in frustration at his sister and stood up. “I’m going to bed,” he said, ignoring my question. “Nice meeting you, Ashlyn.”
“You too.” And he was gone. I gave Hailey a confused look.
She shrugged. “He’s very selective with who he shares details with.” She paused. “He has a lot going on in his life.”
“It’s kind of nice to know that your family isn’t as perfect as your portrait,” I said, pulling my messy bun down just to toss it up into a messier bun on top of my head.
“No family’s perfect.”
I opened my mouth and paused when Henry poked his head into the bedroom. Perfect timing. “You kids all right?”
Hailey nodded. “Yup. Just getting ready for bed.”
He smirked and turned my way. “There’s pizza in the fridge if you’re hungry, Ashlyn. And if you need anything else—”
“I won’t,” I quickly yapped to get him to leave.
The wrinkles in his forehead deepened as he rubbed his hands against his brows. “Okay. Goodnight.”
He left the room, and Hailey let out a long whistle. “You two are the spokespeople for awkward interactions.”
“Is it weird with him being the assistant principal at the high school? I mean, I hardly saw him all my life, and now I’m living with him and he’s going to be in school with me, too. That’s pretty much twenty-four hours of seeing him. It’s like Henry overload.”
“He’s not as bad as you think, once you get to know him. Just give him a chance.”
Once I get to know him?
The stranger was giving me advice on my biological father.
What was wrong with that picture?
I didn’t think I cared when I shut you out.
But now for days you’re all I think about.
~ Romeo’s Quest
I pulled up to the lake-house with my fellow band member, Randy, in the passenger’s seat. I’d moved into the house after I graduated from college back in May to help take care of Dad. It’d been a rough year since Mom passed away, and it’d only gotten tougher as time moved on and Dad lost the battle to his liver failure.
“You sure it’s okay for me to stay here?” Randy asked, pulling out his bag and his acoustic guitar.
I smiled his way and shrugged. Randy was my best friend and had been for years. I’d dated his sister Sarah for over three years when we were younger. I’d probably still be with her today if the accident hadn’t happened.
I was supposed to pick up my brother, Jace, from some party he was stuck at, but I’d been at work. I’d texted Randy to see if he coul
d pick Jace up, but he didn’t answer. So I called Sarah and she said that she would, and on their way home, a drunk driver slammed them from the side. She died on impact.
I blamed myself for asking her to pick up Jace.
Jace blamed himself for being at the party.
Randy blamed himself for losing his baby sister.
All three of us had dealt with the lost of Sarah differently. I’d drowned myself in my music and my studies. Jace had gone on to use drugs and sell them, trying to stop himself from remembering what it had been like in that car. He’d watched her die but never spoke of it. And Randy…
He had pretty much become a wild guy who would try anything once. I never knew where his mind was or what kinds of weird things he was getting into when we weren’t working with the band. He was sort of a floater—picking up random knowledge wherever he went. He’d never blamed Jace or me for what had happened to his sister. He’d never held anger or vengeance in his heart.
I thought back to the question, his asking if I was okay with him staying with me. How could I not be? “Don’t be stupid. You needed a place to stay”—I glanced to the house—“and I have a place for you to stay.”
“Thanks, man. It means a lot to me. I’d probably only need a few months until I figure out some things.” He paused and looked back toward me. “You okay, Dan?”
I gave him a strained smile and nodded. “I got a few beers in the fridge if you want. I’m going to take a run by the lake. The other guys should be here in a few hours to rehearse.”
“Danny, I’m worried about you. All of us are.” The concern was evident in his tone, drenched in apologies for my life.
“Why?” I asked, stretching my arm across my body to loosen up for my run.
He stared at me as if I’d grown three heads. “Your Dad died last week and you’re acting like nothing happened.”
“Randy, people die. We both know that.”
Randy had lost his mom a while back, and his dad had never been in the picture. All he’d had was Sarah until the day of the accident. So if anyone knew what death was like, it was the two of us.
“Yeah, it’s just… After your Mom and the stuff with Jace…” His words faded off. “I just want you to know, we’re here for you. If you need us. I know for a while my mind was in dark places with Sarah’s death. Before my mom died, she asked me to look after her and I couldn’t. That ate away at me. It still does sometimes.” He paused and shifted around. “So yeah, if you want to talk, I’m here.”
There were two types of mourning. There was the type when a person opened up his heart to the world, never taking anything for granted, and lived each day to the fullest. Then there was the type of mourning where a person closed off his heart to the world and lived in his own world, unable to connect to others.
I definitely wasn’t the first option.
I swallowed hard. “You should practice the chords to Ever Gone. It seemed a little off when we played it last time.” I glanced at my watch. “I’ll be back in a few.”
I started toward the boat shed in a slow run, but it didn’t take long for me to pick up speed.
After my runs, I always ended up back at the same location—on the dock, staring at the spot where the worst moment of my life happened. I scrubbed my arms so many times. I was surprised my skin hadn’t ripped off. Bending my knees, I lowered myself and stared toward the grass.
I wished I could forget.
I wished I could forget.
I wish I could fucking forget!
But instead, I closed my eyes, inhaled deep, and I remembered.
We arrived at the hospital, but Mom was gone before she’d even made it into the ambulance. Jace was bandaged up, his eye was given a few stitches, but he was alive. Bullshit, if you asked me. He’d just had our mom murdered, but all he’d received were a few stitches.
He sat down in the waiting room as Dad spoke with a few police officers. He hadn’t stopped crying the whole time. I’d never in my life seen Dad cry, not even after he’d found out about his health condition.
I moved over to Jace and he stood up. We didn’t say anything. The back of my throat was dry, scratchy. He pulled me into a hug. “I’m going to find out who did this, Danny. I swear to God, they won’t get away with it.”
I held him tight in my arms and nodded. “I know, Jace.”
“This is my fault. But I promise you, I’ll make it right.”
My hands wrapped around my kid brother’s head, and I placed my forehead against his. “I’m sorry, Jace…” I muttered before he pulled away from me, looking confused.
“What?” he asked before he turned around and saw the cops marching toward him.
One of the police officers took his hands and handcuffed him. I listened to the officer read Jace his rights. It all became a blur as they carried him off for drug dealing—evidence they had collected from me earlier. Jace looked at me with confusion, but then he came to realize what was happening and screamed.
“You ratted me out?! Our mom just died, Danny! Mom is dead!” he screamed, his face turning red. “I’m your brother!” His voice was cracking, but his screams were still high. “You’re a rat! Mom is dead and you’re having me locked up!”
His voice echoed down the halls.
His voice echoed into my soul.
Memories were scary, how they could break you with simply your own thoughts.
I blinked and turned away from staring at the spot where Mom died. The hot sun was beating down against my skin. Moving to the edge of the dock, I removed my running shoes and my socks. My feet fell into the cool water and I lay back on the wooden, squeaky dock.
I planned to fix up the dock sometime soon. I planned to fix up the whole house, actually. I just didn’t know how Dad and Mom would’ve wanted it.
I hadn’t really allowed my brain to deal with Dad’s death yet—I was still somewhat in shock by Mom’s. No matter what, no matter how many times you’d dealt with it, death never grew easier.
There was no one I could truly talk to about it. My friends wouldn’t understand even if I tried to explain. Plus, I didn’t want to make them feel as shitty as I felt on a daily basis.
But there had been one moment when I saw someone who might understand, based solely on her eyes. Her eyes were surreal, haunting even. Green, powerful eyes that looked so sad. Broken. Beautiful.
My eyes shut, and I imagined her—the girl from the train. My muscles twitched from my run, and I took deep breaths, trying to remember everything about her. She knew what it was like to be me—lost, alone. I had seen it each time she’d blinked her eyes and her thick, long eyelashes hung low.
I should’ve asked for her name. I should’ve sat on top of my luggage beside her. She’d smiled when I’d quoted Shakespeare, but there was still a bit of sadness lingering in the curves of her lips. She was pained by some type of grief, and I had seen it eating her alive—the same way my sadness was tearing me apart. And nothing or nobody could stop it from happening.
A part of me didn’t want it to stop. A part of me thought I deserved the suffering. But for the life of me, I couldn’t believe that that girl deserved to be so sad. I secretly hoped that someday someone could make her smile without the frown lines.
I hoped someday she would be all right.
Touch me when you’re gone.
Leave me when you’re near.
Love me with my shattered pieces.
~ Romeo’s Quest
The next few days, I did my best to keep to myself. I didn’t talk a lot, but I allowed my mind to keep running on that dang treadmill in my head. It turned out that Henry’s family loved to eat dinner together every night, and I thought it was nice of them to invite me to eat with them.
But I knew I didn’t fit in with their table for four. Rebecca pulled out a folding chair from their storage room for me to sit on. There was a metal piece on the seat that pushed into my left thigh, but I didn’t complain.
Rebecca cooked a lot of food. Enough t
o feed an army. As we sat down, I went to dig into my food and Rebecca held her hand up. “Sweetie, we pray over the food first.” She gave me a kind smile, but I could see a bit of disappointment that I didn’t even think of doing so. “Henry, can you lead it again?”
I chuckled and huffed under my breath. “Yeah right.” All eyes flowed to me. My eyes went to Henry, confusion filling them. “You pray?”
“You don’t?” Rebecca jumped in.
I felt like a sinner from her simple question.
The answer was no.
The awkwardness of the situation set in and I came to a strong resolution. I knew nothing about Henry and this family seemed to know everything.
I knew it was stupid, but a part of me was pretty saddened by that. Why was it that you wanted those who ignored you to love you the most?
Henry said a prayer while everyone closed their eyes and held their hands together. Well, almost everyone. I just sat and stared at them all during that time. Ryan never closed his eyes either.
“Amen,” the group muttered together and opened their eyes. They dove into the steak dinner in front of them.
Hailey didn’t have a steak on her plate. She never had any meat at dinnertime. The other day, she told me that killing and eating harmless animals was a terrible act. She said that it was against the natural order of things, that people weren’t supposed to eat meat. So she stopped.
I assumed that she’d never studied the fact that lions never hesitated to eat a gazelle if they were hungry.
“Oh, Ryan and Hailey…don’t forget. You two are teaching Bible study in the morning.” She might not have noticed, but I watched as her two kids rolled their eyes.
Tomorrow was Sunday, which meant that today was Saturday. I’d almost forgotten about my invite to Joe’s bar to hear Mr. Beautiful Eyes perform. And by ‘almost,’ I meant I’d been thinking about it ever since I saw him. I was mostly excited to learn his name, seeing how I had only been calling him Mr. Beautiful Eyes.
“I think I’m going to head upstairs and get ready to go.”
Henry raised an eyebrow. “Go where?”