But like Abraham, in order to enjoy the promised blessings, I had to give up what I thought was the source of my happiness and security and set out, not knowing where I was headed or what was awaiting me when I got there.
I didn't realize that I had an addiction. I was addicted to and dependent upon those people and that place and position. So for a full year I was disobedient to the call of the Lord.
As we have seen, the addict will do whatever it takes to satisfy his craving, even to the point of doing unwise and irrational things in disobedience to God. That's what I was doing, though I was not fully aware of it at the time.
Dependence on People
Thus says the Lord: Cursed [with great evil] is the strong man who trusts in and relies on frail man, making weak [human] flesh his arm, and whose mind and heart turn aside from the Lord.
For he shall be like a shrub or a person naked and destitute in the desert; and he shall not see any good come, but shall dwell in the parched places in the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. Jeremiah 17:5,6
If your soul feels dry, weary, and parched, it may be because you are putting too much dependence on the flesh and not enough on God.
In my own case, when faced with God's call to leave behind the people, place, and position I was so addicted to and dependent upon, and be obedient to Him, I had to transfer my dependence from man to God. I had to realize that confidence in people, no matter how good they may be or how much we may esteem them, is sadly misplaced.
Dependence on God
[Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is.
For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit. Jeremiah 17:7,8
In Philippians 3:3 the Apostle Paul tells us that we are to put no confidence in the flesh. Instead, our confidence is to be in God and God alone. He is the immovable, everlasting Rock. He is the One Who is never going to leave us nor forsake us nor let us down.
In my own life, I reached the point of having to transfer my dependence from other people to God.
I love my husband, and we have a good relationship. One time I started thinking, “Oh, what would I do if Dave died? He is so good to me and helps me in so many ways. What would I do if he were no longer with me?”
The more I thought about it, the more upset and fearful I became. So the Lord had to deal with me about it. He said to me, “I'll tell you what you would do if something happened to Dave. You would go on and do exactly as you are doing right now, because it is not Dave who is holding you up, it is Me!”
It is wonderful to have all kinds of human support systems, but we must always stand firm in God and in Him alone.
That's what Jesus did.
Jesus As an Exmaple
But Jesus [for His part] did not trust Himself to them, because He knew all [men];
And He did not need anyone to bear witness concerning man [needed no evidence from anyone about men], for He Himself knew what was in human nature. [He could read men's hearts.] John 2:24,25
Jesus, our example and our role model, did not trust people, because He knew human nature. Yet He fellowshipped with people, especially His disciples. He ate and drank with them. He laughed and wept with them. He confided in them and shared things out of His heart with them. They were His friends, and He cared about them. But He did not trust Himself to them.
I think that means that He didn't become dependent upon them. He didn't throw Himself wide open to them. He didn't allow Himself to reach the place of feeling He could not get along without them. He purposely kept Himself in a position where He was primarily dependent upon God and God alone.
What the Lord is telling us in such passages as this one is, we must stay in balance. We must love our fellowman and maintain good fellowship with him. We must get along with others on a daily basis. But we must never make the mistake of thinking we can trust others completely.
There is no such thing as a human being who will never fail us, disappoint us, or hurt us in any way! That person does not exist on planet earth!
That is not a judgment against our spouse or family or friends. It is simply an accurate assessment of human nature. We humans do not have the ability to be totally trustworthy any more than we have the ability to be absolutely perfect.
Don't put pressure on other people by expecting them to never disappoint you, fail you, or hurt you.
As James tells us: … we all often stumble and fall and offend in many things … (James 3:2). That's why we need a Healer — the One Who knows us and what we are going through because He has experienced all the same feelings, emotions, pressures, and temptations that we have, yet without falling into sin as we all do so often. (Heb. 4:15.)
Keeping a Proper Balance
But far be it from me to glory [in anything or anyone] except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah), through Whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world! Galatians 6:14
In this verse the Apostle Paul makes it clear he did not glory in anything or anyone, because the world was crucified to him and he to the world.
What I think he meant was that he kept all things — including people, places, and positions — in proper balance in his life. He was not dependent upon anyone or anything for his joy and peace and victory in the Lord.
If we are not careful to maintain a proper balance in our lives, we may develop addictions and even obsessive-compulsive behaviors Satan can play upon to destroy us and our effectiveness for Christ.
In my case, if I get to the place of feeling I just have to have frozen yogurt every night, or go shopping every day, or have people around me all the time telling me how wonderful I am, then I become addicted to those things. I become dependent upon them to give me the sense of satisfaction and fulfillment I crave. I look to the world to provide me what only God can give me.
Dead to the World, Alive in Christ
And set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth.
For [as far as this world is concerned] you have died, and your [new, real] life is hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:2,3
If you and I allow ourselves to become addicted to things and people, and become dependent upon them, the devil will use them to cause us all kinds of grief. That's why we must keep our eyes on Jesus and not on the things of this earth, as Paul tells us in Colossians 3:2,3. Like Paul, you and I are “dead to this world” — and it is dead to us. We must not look to it for our help, but to the Lord.
One time in one of my meetings I was laying hands on people and praying for them when I noticed a woman about my own age curled up on the floor in a fetal position. She was screaming and crying, “Mommy, I need you! Daddy, I need you!”
At first I was a little hesitant to do anything because I am not a psychiatrist — I am not trained to deal with people on a psychological level.
But then she began crying, “Mommy, don't let Daddy do that!” It became pretty obvious to me that she was regressing to a time in her early life when she had been abused, perhaps physically and sexually, by her father. Her mother must have known about it but not done anything to help her. Both of her parents had likely rejected and abandoned her, so she had been wounded and hurting ever since.
She kept screaming and hollering the same thing, “Mommy, I need you! Daddy, I need you!”
Finally, I had had all I could take. I started telling her, “You don't need your mommy and your daddy! You've got what you need! It's Jesus! Don't cry for something you're never going to have! Hold on to what you've got!”
I kept telling her that until suddenly the Holy Spirit gave her a breakthrough. She started saying, “I don't need my mommy and my daddy! I've got what I need! I've got Jesus!”
; I ministered to her for a while and then left her with some other counselors while I went on ministering and praying for others. When I came back in about thirty or forty-five minutes to check on her, she was in complete control of herself and her emotions.
You and I are never going to be whole and well mentally or emotionally as long as we think we have to have some person or some thing. It might be nice to have them, just as it would have been nice for this woman to have had her mother and father. But we don't have to have anybody or anything but God to get by!
We need to keep ourselves dependent upon the Lord and not allow ourselves to become dependent on anyone or anything else in this life.
Dependence on God Alone
We need to be dependent upon God and Him alone, not dependent upon God plus anyone or anything else we think we need to keep us happy.
I used to think I could never be happy unless my ministry grew. But it didn't grow until I learned I could be happy even if it never grew.
The Lord told me then, “Anything you have to have besides Me to be happy is something the devil can use against you.” Somebody etched that statement on a plaque for me, and I placed it in my bedroom so that it was the first thing I saw when I woke up in the morning. I wanted to remember it so that I would never make the mistake of becoming dependent upon anyone or anything other than the Lord.
In my daily prayer sometimes I say, “Father, there is something I want, but I don't want to get out of balance or ahead of You. If it is Your will, I would like to have this thing. But if it is not Your will, then I can be happy without it because I want You to be Number One in my life.”
I believe that if we will keep things in their proper perspective and priority, God can give us a lot more than we could ever have by seeking after things rather than seeking after Him and His righteousness. (Matt. 6:33.)
Approval Addiction
And yet [in spite of all this] many even of the leading men (the authorities and the nobles) believed and trusted in Him. But because of the Pharisees they did not confess it, for fear that [if they should acknowledge Him] they would be expelled from the synagogue;
For they loved the approval and the praise and the glory that come from men [instead of and] more than the glory that comes from God. [They valued their credit with men more than their credit with God.] John 12:42,43
Many people never receive God's best for them because they are addicted to the approval of others. Even if they know what God's will is for them, they don't walk in it because they are afraid their friends may not understand or agree.
It is true that not everyone approves of God's moves and methods in our lives.
I was almost totally rejected when I began to follow the will of God for me. It was hard to stand alone against the disapproval of others. During that time I learned what matters is not other people's opinions, it is what God thinks that is important.
In Galatians 1:10 Paul wrote: Now am I trying to win the favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ (the Messiah).
Don't be addicted to approval. Follow your heart. Do what you believe God is telling you to do, and stand firm in Him and Him alone.
Definition of Co-Dependence
Now that we have looked at dependence, which we said is a form of addiction to behaviors, people, or things, let's consider co-dependence.
The Random House Unabridged Dictionary defines co-dependence as “a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted as to alcohol or gambling and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.”2
So a co-dependent is a person who is in a relationship with another individual who is addicted to, obsessed by, or controlled by something harmful or destructive.
For example, when my husband and I were first married, I was addicted to certain emotional feelings like anger. Ninety percent of the time I was mad about something. Because I had been abused in my younger days, I was filled with repressed bitterness and rage. If Dave had not been very secure in his relationship with the Lord and with who he was in Christ, he might have allowed himself to be affected by my attitude and behavior.
If he had done that, we would have had a co-dependent relationship, because he would have been dependent upon me, while I was dependent upon my emotions.
But, thank God, that didn't happen.
One of the best things my husband ever did for me was refuse to allow me to make him unhappy.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is dependent upon drugs, alcohol, or some other harmful substance, and you become dependent upon that person to make you happy, then you have become co-dependent. Although you are not addicted to the habit-forming substance that controls his or her life, you are still affected by it and dependent upon it. Each of you has become co-dependent upon the other.
If you and I are not careful, when we enter into a relationship with another person who has an addiction, we will allow that person to put his or her problem off on us.
Are you in a relationship with someone who is making you miserable by his or her addiction or problem? If so, you need to do something about that situation.
In my case, my husband would not allow himself to become co-dependent with me, because he would not allow me to put my problems off on him. For example, I would get mad at him and want to argue with him, but he would just go his way in complete harmony and peace. I used to get so upset with him because he wouldn't fuss and fight with me I would yell at him, “What's the matter with you? You're not even human!”
Don't allow yourself to become co-dependent with anyone. Don't let other people put their problems off on you. Don't let others make you miserable just because they are miserable.
If you have a family, don't let your spouse or your children control your emotions and steal your joy. Just because they may have made a decision that has made their life miserable doesn't mean you are obligated to join them in their misery. Help them with their problem if you can, but don't fall into the trap of trying to solve other people's problems or make them happy.
It can't be done!
Each of us has a free will given to us by God Himself. Each one of us is responsible for our own happiness. If we choose to allow ourselves to become miserable and unhappy, the problem is ours, not someone else's. In the same way, someone else's choice to become miserable and unhappy is not our fault. None of us is responsible for the happiness of anyone else.
I don't think we understand we can help a person most by not giving in to his or her emotional addictions.
My husband was always kind to me. He loved me, and he showed it. Every day he offered to share his love and joy with me, if I wanted it. But he never forced it on me. I was free to join him in his peace and happiness, and he was free not to join me in my misery and unhappiness.
It is so important that we not allow other people to control and manipulate us into becoming co-dependent with them in their emotional bondage.
If your spouse is angry or unhappy or miserable or sad, the problem is his or hers, not yours. If he or she wants to sit and stew or moan and groan or rant and rave or hold a personal “pity party,” you are not required to join it or to subject yourself to it.
I can remember getting so angry at Dave because he wanted to play golf every weekend. I tried everything I knew to make him stop. The more I tried to make him quit, the more he played.
It was maddening.
He would say to me, “Why don't you come with me to the golf course?” But that was not what I wanted. I wanted him to stay home with me. Because I didn't want to go, I didn't want him to go either. But he would go and have a good time, while I stayed home and felt sorry for myself all day. Down deep, I was just being stubborn. But it was my choice and responsibility — not Dave's.
Although I was dependent on certain things to keep me happy, Dave would not allow himself to become dependent upon my happiness. He woul
d not allow himself to become co-dependent with me in my emotional addiction.
The Nightmare of Control and Manupulation
Then I said, I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for nothing and in empty futility; yet surely my right is with the Lord, and my recompense is with my God. Isaiah 49:4
Do you have any idea what a nightmare it is to spend your life laboring in vain, spending your strength for nothing, continually trying to keep everything and everyone around you under control?
If you do, then God wants you to understand you can make a decision not to be that way any longer. You can decide not to be a controller and a manipulator.
In the same way, if you have allowed yourself to be controlled and manipulated, you can make a firm decision to break that power over your life.
Co-dependence is not something that can be corrected through prayer alone. It takes a decision and willpower on the part of the one who is caught in it.
If you are addicted to any kind of unhealthy substance such as tobacco, alcohol, or drugs, then you know you have to make some effort to overcome that habit.
The same applies if you are a workaholic, or a spender, or an excessive planner, or a worrier. To break that cycle of addiction, you must do more than just pray — you must also make a commitment to break that habit through the power of God.
Likewise, if you are dependent upon someone else who is addicted to any harmful substance or activity, you must take action. You must determine you are not going to allow that person's problems to cause you to get out of balance.
How can you tell when you are getting out of balance? You can tell because you will begin to lose your peace and joy.