If you are like me, you have spent a great deal of your life trying to control everything and everyone around you in a vain attempt to protect yourself so that you will never be hurt again. You must learn to give up your fruitless efforts, because if you don't, you will end up as I did, having labored in vain and having spent your strength for nothing.
You need to learn what I learned, and that is to quit striving and simply place yourself in the hands of God, looking to Him for your recompense and reward.
Fear
There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection]. 1 John 4:18
As long as a co-dependent is in control, he feels safe. When he loses that control, he feels vulnerable and threatened, so he becomes upset, angry, and defensive.
If that describes you, then you must concentrate on knowing how much God loves you, and that perfect love casts out fear. You don't have to be afraid of losing or of being harmed, because the love of God surrounds you and engulfs you and protects you.
The Savior Complex
Why do you stare from without at the very small particle that is in your brother's eye but do not become aware of and consider the beam of timber that is in your own eye?
Or how can you say to your brother, Let me get the tiny particle out of your eye, when there is the beam of timber in your own eye?
You hypocrite, first get the beam of timber out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the tiny particle out of your brother's eye. Matthew 7:3-5
Besides fear, a co-dependent often has a false sense of responsibility. He thinks it is his duty to fix everything. He thinks he has to take care of all those he meets and make sure they feel good and enjoy themselves.
The end result is that the co-dependent usually ends up frustrated and worn out because it is impossible to keep everything fixed and in perfect working order and everyone happy and satisfied.
A co-dependent is really just as guilty as the dependent person. If you are living with a controller, and you try your best to keep that person happy by sacrificing yourself to meet his or her expectations or demands, you are an enabler.
Some people actually become addicted to being mistreated. They become so accustomed to abuse that they think they deserve it. They may also think the abuser's behavior is somehow their fault. That's why they continue to do whatever they can to keep the other person happy so that they will be treated right.
If you see yourself in this description of the co-dependent person, learn to lighten up. Quit taking on yourself the burden of everything and the woes of everybody. Don't get the idea that you must be the savior of the world — that job is already taken! Do what you reasonably can for people.
If you are always trying to rescue everybody you come in contact with, you are hurting yourself and them. As long as you are trying to do everything for everybody, you will be frustrated and disappointed, and they will never learn to do anything for themselves.
Don't develop a savior complex. Don't try to usurp the role of Jesus Christ. Don't make yourself personally responsible for other people and their problems. Instead, give first priority to solving your own problems, then you can tackle the problems of others.
Co-Dependence and Low Self-Esteem
A person who is co-dependent usually has a low level of self-esteem and is often lacking in maturity.
Mature people are not emotionally and spiritually devastated by every mistake they make. They are able to maintain some kind of balance in their lives.
Freedom from co-dependence is based upon the development of a sense of value apart from what a person does. If an individual is not co-dependent, he is able to stand alone in Christ.
If you are free from co-dependence, you are not dependent on people, places, or positions. You don't have to be in relationship with any certain person or group of people, or be in any certain place, or occupy any certain position in order to feel safe, confident, and secure.
If you are free from co-dependence, you don't feel you have to be in control of everything and everybody. You can allow others to make their own choices and not feel threatened by them or responsible for them. You don't feel you have to try to solve every problem or satisfy every person.
If you are free from co-dependence, you can stand on your own feet and look to God for your sense of value and worth and not to the opinions of others or to outward circumstances. You are able to withstand being controlled or manipulated.
You are free from the bondage of co-dependence because you know who you are in Christ and trust the Lord to see you through.
Trust God
In my seminars on co-dependence I encourage people to hear from God then do what He says.
If the Lord has placed you in a situation, He is mighty enough to cover you with His grace and to show you the wisest way to handle that situation so that you are not harmed by it.
It may not be pleasant to live in that situation, but you must remember that ours is an enabling God. If you will continue to put your trust in Him, He will see you through to victory.
Even if you are living with a controller or a manipulator or even an ungodly person, don't become discouraged. God can change the meanest and roughest person on earth. He can turn the worst cases around and use them for His glory.
If you are caught in a co-dependent situation, He may lead you to speak up to the controller. He may move you to confront the one who is making your life miserable. If you are afraid to do that, He will give you the courage you need to take a stand.
He will also give you the wisdom and courage not to be mistreated and taken advantage of by that person. If you live with a perfectionist, for example, He will help you not make yourself miserable trying to do the impossible to keep that person happy.
The problem is that if you have let that situation go for years, it will be hard to confront the person.
In my own case, Dave lived with my faults for a long time, but eventually he started confronting me and showing me I needed to change.
It was hard. Even though I wanted to change and do what I knew was the will of the Lord, it took courage and commitment to do it.
With the presence and power of the Holy Spirit within you, it can be done. You can be set free in a safe way by being obedient to the Lord and trusting Him to deliver you.
Faith or Fear?
… For whatever does not originate and proceed from faith is sin [whatever is done without a conviction of its approval by God is sinful]. Romans 14:23
Is it possible to allow someone to control and manipulate us, honestly saying we are doing so in faith? Of course not! We know this type of behavior is rooted in fear, not faith. Faith obeys God, but fear is easily intimidated and finds many excuses for disobedience.
A person who is a perfectionist, a workaholic, or involved in sexual perversion is just as dependent as someone who is addicted to a chemical substance like tobacco, alcohol, or drugs. If we try to meet the needs of that person at the expense of our own needs, we are co-dependent upon that individual.
Suppose, for example, we live with a hypochondriac. If we are not careful, we can become co-dependent upon that person's imagined illnesses.
We all want to have compassion on the ill. We certainly want to be kind and caring toward them. But it may be that they are not really doing their part to get well. They are simply using our concern and compassion as a means to draw attention to themselves. Perhaps they were abused in their past and are trying to get from us what they missed in their childhood.
It is good to help people who have been hurt, but when their emotional needs begin to control us, we are in danger of being led by them and their problems instead of being led by the Holy Spirit of God. If we try to meet the needs of someone else at the expense of never bein
g free to do what we feel we should be doing, we are co-dependent upon that individual and his problem.
If we see that is the case and do nothing about it out of fear or misplaced loyalty, we have become co-dependent. Faith causes us to step out and say or do what God places in our hearts, fear causes us to timidly stay under control and domination.
Remember, people who are starved for attention can use their emotional weakness or sickness to control us. How many times have we heard manipulative people say things like, “I'm old, and you don't care anything about me now,” or “I raised you all of your life; I sacrificed to house and clothe you and put you through school, and now you want to just leave me here all alone”?
There is a balance to be maintained in such situations. That balance is the Holy Spirit within us to guide us into the truth of each situation and circumstance in which we find ourselves. He will provide us the wisdom to know when we are to be adaptable and adjustable and when we are to take a firm stand and be immovable.
Always keep in mind that faith obeys God, fear is easily moved by unbridled emotion!
Co-Dependent, Independent, or Dependent Upon God?
Sometimes we may be the one who is dependent upon someone or something. At other times we may be the one who is depended upon.
We may also become independent. That is, we may decide that we don't need anybody — including God. We may decide to do things our way, not allowing ourselves either to become dependent upon others or to be depended upon.
We can also become co-dependent, as we have described.
Finally, we can become dependent upon God, which is the answer for all these problems of emotional imbalance.
For example, in my younger days I was co-dependent upon the person who was using and abusing me. This individual, who was dependent upon alcohol and other vices, controlled my life completely so that I had no freedom whatsoever.
When I got out of that co-dependent relationship, I became a controller and manipulator myself, trying to make others co-dependent upon me and my need for attention and affection. That was the way I was when I got married and why my husband had to confront me about it.
My problem was an emotional imbalance, a lack of objectivity. Because of my background, I just couldn't judge things properly. I didn't know how to act normally because I didn't know what normal was. I reacted out of my emotions rather than by the common sense, wisdom, and the Word of God in me as a believer.
For instance, if Dave was correcting our children, I would interfere and start taking up for them. Dave would try to tell me he wasn't mistreating them, but because I had been mistreated I had a hard time seeing that. I always wanted to do the correcting because I thought I would do it right. In actuality, at times I would be harder on them than Dave was, but I trusted myself, and I didn't trust him.
I was a “control freak.” I always wanted to be in charge of everything because I didn't trust anyone but myself.
Part of what God had to teach me was to trust Him and not my emotions. I had to learn to listen to my common sense that told me Dave was not going to hurt our children or me and that I could trust him with their lives and mine. I had to learn not to be independent, or co-dependent, but dependent upon God.
Detach, Decide, and Act
The first step in overcoming co-dependence and becoming dependent upon God is to identify the problem.
Let me give you an example.
Some time ago I had a friend who had a strong personality and an explosive temper. She had a lot of problems with her husband and got mad very easily. I allowed her to control and manipulate me because I didn't want to antagonize her or set her off.
In that case, I needed to identify my problem. Then I needed to detach myself from it. I needed to get away someplace where I could analyze what was going on and take the next step, which was to decide what to do about it.
This young woman would call me quite often and ask if she could come over and talk to me. When she came, she would stay most of the day and disrupt whatever plans I may have had. I would try to tell her that I needed to just be alone with the Lord, but she would ask if she could come over, and I would always give in and say yes.
Although I knew what she was asking me was not best for me, I allowed my fear of her anger to override what I knew was God's will for me. So I would end up doing what she expected me to do rather than what I wanted and needed to do. I was doing whatever it took to keep her “fixed.”
I have since learned that what I needed to do in that situation was detach, to say, “Could I call you back in a few minutes? I have some things I need to see about, and then I'll get back with you.” Then I could have backed away from that upsetting situation and prayed, “Okay, Lord, what do You want me to do here? Do You want me to adapt and adjust my schedule and let this woman come over for her sake? Or do You want me to stand my ground and do what I had intended to do today?”
It is amazing when you get away from such pressing situations and allow your emotions to settle down how much more common sense and wisdom you can operate in. Then if the Lord tells you to do something you know is going to be hard for you, you can gather the strength and courage to do it.
In this case, if the Lord had told me, “Confront this situation and tell this woman you need to spend time alone with Me,” I could have asked for the strength to do that and not have allowed myself to be manipulated or controlled or intimidated by her.
That is the beauty of going to the Lord in prayer. He is always there to help us do what we need to do. Regardless of what we may face in life, we can always identify, detach, and decide. Then the final step is simply to act.
But we must be sure that the action we take is the correct one.
Co-Dependency Recovery Groups
Put on God's whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier which God supplies], that you may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the strategies and the deceits of the devil.
For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.
Therefore put on God's complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day [of danger] and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]. Ephesians 6:11-13
There are many co-dependency recovery groups available today. I would like to share with you some of the benefits and dangers associated with them.
First of all, many of these programs are New Age oriented. They involve concepts and practices that are not scripturally sound.
One example is the handling of anger. Some teach that when a person feels angry, he should get alone in a room and take his anger out on some inanimate object, like a piece of furniture. In my opinion, that is not the kind of activity a Christian should be engaging in.
I recall one Christian lady who shared with me that she had been going to one of these groups for some time. She told me her counselor had her beating on a pillow to take out her frustrations and anger. I had to tell her that as far as I was concerned that practice was not scriptural.
I have a teaching in my tape series titled “Beauty for Ashes” in which I deal with repressed anger from a scriptural viewpoint. In it I point out that as we are told in Ephesians 6:11-13, our battle is not just with our emotions, but with the spiritual forces that play on our emotions.
In the King James Version of this passage we are told that we war not with flesh and blood (that is, with our own human nature) but with principalities and powers (that is, with strong spiritual entities).
But even then we cannot fight darkness with darkness. I believe the best way to resist and overcome our powerful spiritual enemies is not by giving vent to our anger and frustration in some fleshly manner, but in yielding ourselves to the power and presence of the Holy Spirit within us.
> Another lady told me she was in a co-dependency recovery group in her church. As I listened to her describe the program, I realized that although it had much good in it and was probably helpful to many people, this particular program was not thoroughly Scripture-based. There are also other good programs, but this one was mixing Scripture with worldly ways, which is dangerous!
When I asked her about the program, she answered, “I am really enjoying it and think it is good. But I have some concerns about it.” She was really saying God's Spirit was giving her a warning about it.
Then she went on to say, “I hear Christians say, Ô lf you have a problem with co-dependence, the Lord will set you free. Just believe the Word and everything will work out all right.'”
She explained she had suffered a great deal of abuse in her younger years and was not getting full relief from her emotional problems through the program at her church. She wanted to know what I thought of it.
I told her, “I firmly believe that emotional healing is not as simple as saying, ÔYou are a new creature in Christ, so just walk like one.'”
Then I explained that although legally we are new creatures in Christ, experientially we have to face and deal with the bad fruit in our lives that is the result of bad roots from the past.
It is true that the Word of God is truth, and that it is truth that sets us free. (John 17:17; 8:32.) But it is also true we must apply the Word of God, the Word of Truth, to our lives before it can have any lasting effect upon us. We have to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to us the things in our mind and heart that need to be faced and dealt with in the light of His Word.
In order to be set free, we must know what it is we are being liberated from and how to resist it so that it does not come back.