"Were we naive to think it could work?" she asked.
"No," he said earnestly. "I meant to marry you, and stand by you for the rest of our lives."
"Even if we didn't love each other?" She sat down in some tall grass on the bank. She wondered if it would be wise to mention Devon now.
He took a seat beside her. The water rippled gently next to their feet and sloshed against the grassy bank. "We loved each other enough." He looked at her, trying to burn his unspoken message into her mind: that he loved her now, more than a friend loving a friend, more than a brother loving a sister. He loved her as a man loving a woman. It didn't matter that he was barely a man. He'd never known a feeling like this, and he knew it could never end. He knew he could love this woman forever, if he could have the chance.
He spoke again. "I know we only meant to marry so people would accept us. So they wouldn't think you were a loose woman, and your father couldn't make you marry anyone... if you were married to me."
"Yes," Isabel said. Her stomach began to tie into knots. She didn't want to hurt Kie, her only friend for so long.
"I would've stood up to your father for you," he said quietly.
"God," she said to herself, "I know." Her father would've won that fight and Kie would've been killed. Knowing his commitment to protecting her under those circumstances only made it harder for her to say what she had to say. Maybe too hard.
She cleared her throat. "Kie..." but she couldn't say it. Even though she knew she could never love Kie the way she loved Devon, she heard herself speak the following words, "We could still be married," quietly. "If you want." She was brave enough to look at his face then.
What she found there was a mixture of surprise, relief, and a bit of happiness. "You'd still marry me?" he asked. "And what about this place you've found that is so much your 'place'?"
She pushed her feelings down into her gut. She couldn't cry in front of him. "What would you do if I stayed?"
"Go on as I have been."
"And you'd die alone in a barn someday."
"Thanks," he tried to joke. Then he asked a serious question. "And if I were married to you, how would I be?"
"We'd start our farm, maybe you'd stay out of trouble... if I made things nice for you." She nearly choked up at that last part. "I've known you too long to go back on our promise." Tears did run down her face then. "You're my oldest friend, Kie."
He reached up and wiped a tear from her cheek. "Mandra, don't marry me," he said. He leaned over and kissed her, then jumped to his feet. "Go find your man." He spoke quickly, then took off running back the way they had come. Away from her.
She buried her face in her hands, and let the tears fall. He understood. Thank God, he understood. Still she let her tears fall. She cried for him, and was grateful he hadn't professed his love to her. It would've broken her heart not to be able to return it.
* * *
He had turned away from her just in time. His eyes were already filled. He cried silently as he ran, letting the wind try to dry his tears. Kie was not a man who often thought of others first, but he couldn't take that look on her face for a lifetime. That pained, submissive expression. He wanted her passion to match his own, and if it couldn't, he wanted nothing. But because he loved her, he, in spite of himself, wanted her happiness above his own. He knew she loved that man with the black hair. Any moment she would've said it and sent a cold knife of pain into his heart. So he said it first. And gave her no opportunity to agree or argue.
He ran, and when he found the horses again, he rode. Then dark came and he let the horse walk aimlessly, so he could wallow in self-pity, and try to get used to the new heaviness in his chest. He couldn't, so he tried to ignore it, and rode quietly back to the castle.
Chapter 10
For a week, every time Isabel ran into Kie, he was cold to her. She had thought things would be fine between them now that they had settled the marriage matter. But things were worse. She knew he loved her, and she couldn't make him stop. Though she would if she had that power.
He had developed a sort of mean streak. Only towards her, it seemed. Whenever she tried to talk to him, he answered her quickly, and wouldn't look her in the eye. She grew sullen as well, and even began having bad dreams about him. They were vague, but he was definitely upsetting her.
She once again found her mind too filled with thoughts to sleep at night. He had refused her offer to marry him. Why was he being so difficult now? Why couldn't things go back to the way they used to be? She felt she had lost her friend forever.
Throwing a cloak over her shoulders, she went outside for a walk to clear her head. Rain lightly sprinkled her hair as she wandered into the grassy hills. It was a dark night except for an occasional flash of lightning.
She walked slowly on the slippery grass, and felt her way with each step. Tears fell from her eyes as she thought of how terrible it was that everything had to change. Her best friend hated her. Valen might never return. And part of her missed her life at Kargid. She knew that was foolish, but all she ever was still echoed around the Kargid castle walls.
It was lonely, cold, and yet it was her home. She longed for it, standing there on that rainy hill, with all of her being. There was a craziness there that she missed. A recklessness. No one expected anything of her there. She was a nobody.
But what of the marriage to that king? If she returned she would most definitely have to marry him. She cried more tears then, at the thought of losing Devon. Devon could never really love her, she reasoned with herself.
If he really knew the selfish things she thought, he wouldn't love her. How could he? He was a good man, and better than she deserved. She knew that. How could she be married to a soldier? He'd be poor. He'd have to teach to make money now that he'd abandoned Eret's army.
Could she live like that? She'd be like Zenie, scrubbing floors and folding laundry. Forever. That word sounded so final. It made an echo and she saw right down to her grave when she thought of it. She didn't want to do anything forever.
Whether or not she was in her right mind she couldn't tell, but she found herself moving towards the stables in the dark. Once there, she felt her way and managed to get a horse ready to ride. She climbed on top of it and thought for a moment. As the lightning flashed, she glanced back at the castle she had come to love so much, and everyone who went with it. Then she thought of home. With determination, she took a deep breath and started riding back toward Kargid, her way lighted occasionally by the crashing sky.
Rain splashed on her face as she traveled and her skin grew cold. She took no notice of it, but kept riding. It grew light after a matter of hours and she rode on. Her stomach grumbled, and her head was dizzy. She ignored these and thought of the one thing that could solve all her problems. She was tired of making decisions and trying to find her life outside Kargid. There was no life outside. She was a shadow outside. A mist that anyone could see through or would soon. Kargid was real. She was real there. If there was pain there, at least it made her feel alive. In Aerineva there was nothing. Everything floated there. It was all too easy.
The trees began to pitch and swim around her as the horse slowed to a walk. Daylight seeped through them and played tricks with her tired mind. Her soaked clothes clung to her body and chilled her to the bone. She had come too far.
Her trip away from Eret had been well planned, and even then there had been an accident. On this trip she had no food, no warm clothes anymore, and no idea of which direction she should be going in. She was now lost. But unaware of it.
In her mind, she was home. She slipped off her horse and fell to her knees in front of the castle gate.
"Home!" she whispered. In her mud stained dress, she entered the grounds. The gate was never left open, but they must've expected her return. She suddenly found herself in the Great Hall, and her father stood before her. He was a still figure, fading then reappearing vividly. She tried to hold him, but felt air.
&nbs
p; "Father! Why do you not know me?" she cried. He was gone. Her hands went to her feverish head. "Father..." she said feebly, "I am here..." Trees were in the Great Hall. Rows of black trees. She was in the forest. She had never left it. She put a hand to her forehead again, and then to her cheek. The world around her was pitching and reeling. She put her other hand on a tree near her to stop the movement.
"I am ill," she said quietly to herself, then sunk lower, down to her knees in the mud once more. "I am very ill," she said, as if to reassure herself. She leaned her back up against the tree and closed her eyes to rest.
"Very ill..." Everything faded to black.
* * *
Devon waited in the library for about fifteen minutes for Isabel to arrive for their daily lesson. He started walking the halls casually, whistling as he went, hoping to bump into her. She was often late. This was not unusual. He couldn't find her, and began to worry a little bit. He ran into Zenie in the hall.
"Have you seen Isabel?" he asked her.
"No, sir," she answered quietly. "She was already gone when I went to check her room this morning."
"When do you check it?" he asked, concerned.
"Just after the sun rises," Zenie said meekly, not liking this direct questioning.
"Thank you, Zenie." Devon concluded their conversation, and walked briskly to the stairs. He went out to the stables, feeling she could've gone for a ride. But so early? That was unlike her.
Nole was there reading a book, leaning up against the door. "Excuse me," Devon said politely, "has Isabel had a ride this morning?" he asked.
"There is a horse missing," Nole said calmly. "I assumed she had taken it."
"Oh, that must be it," Devon said, relieved, but not totally convinced. "She wasn't at her lesson. I was concerned," he said in explanation. "She deserves a scolding," he said jokingly to lighten his own mood. "I'll wait for her inside." He nodded to Nole, and turned to go back up to the castle.
As he did, he saw Kie going toward the stables. He had a sort of pack under his arm, as if he were intending to travel.
"Kie," Devon said as he approached him.
Kie lifted his eyebrows in response.
Devon rubbed his hands together. "Nothing," he said finally, smiling sheepishly, as if he had just reconsidered saying something stupid. He went on his way up to the castle, as Kie shook his head and continued walking.
Once to the stables, Kie nodded to Nole and asked, "Have you seen Mandra around?"
"We think she's gone riding," he said, putting his book down again. He was becoming amused at this sudden urgent need for Isabel.
"Oh," Kie said, disappointed. He glanced off in the distance as if hoping to catch a glimpse of her somewhere on the hills. He thought for a moment. "Maybe I'll go find her. Spare a horse?" he asked.
"Ya," Nole hopped up easily and opened the stable door for Kie.
Kie got himself and his belongings situated on his horse and set off to search for Mandra.
He rode at a trot over the hills, thinking of what he would say. He was leaving. He didn't know where he'd go, but he couldn't stay here. Not if she didn't want him.
He rode for an hour or so, all around Valen's land, but there was no sign of her. He thought perhaps she had ridden back, so he headed toward the stables.
"Is she back?" he asked Nole when he reached them.
Nole glanced up from the shirt he was mending. "No, I thought you'd find her. She wasn't anywhere?" He was becoming concerned himself.
"I thought she'd be here by now," Kie answered with a sigh as he dismounted.
"Hmm." Nole set his mending aside. "Maybe I'll have a go at it. Where did you say you looked?" he asked, going inside for another horse.
"All over the castle grounds. I even passed that little cabin." He put his hands in the air. "No one there."
Nole paused in thought. "I'll look beyond the grounds then, I suppose. Devon's been looking in the castle, and walking around."
Kie scowled involuntarily. "Great."
Nole noticed the sarcasm, and knew the reason for it. Not much escaped an observant person. "Well, wish me luck," he said, hopping onto the horse.
"Luck," Kie said absentmindedly.
Nole smiled, then took off in the direction of the cabin.
He rode for quite a while before he reached it. There was still no one in it, but he thought it would be a good starting place. He rode past it, and into the dark trees beyond.
He didn't even know where Isabel would go or why, but this was the direction she had arrived from months ago. It seemed logical to him, for an unknown reason, to look for her there.
So he zigzagged through the trees, occasionally calling her name. It had rained the night before, and it made the air colder than it might be. He had left around noon, an hour or more ago. He kept going in the same direction, however, farther and farther away from the castle. It was as if he were being tugged by an invisible string.
He had taken no food, thinking it wouldn't be this long. She must be somewhere nearby. Why would she run away? He began to get hungry. Hours passed as he continued his thorough search. Then around supper time he saw a flash of blue on the ground a ways away. He rode swiftly over to it. It was the blue of her dress. She was extremely pale and had fainted or fallen asleep, leaning against a tree.
He was off his horse in a moment, feeling her skin. It should have been almost frozen, but it was warm. Too warm.
"Oh, God," he said to himself, "Isabel." He managed to pick her up and get them both onto the horse. Hers was nowhere in sight. Her clothes were damp. He rode as fast as he could through the trees in the direction of Valen's castle. They were hours away from it. Nole began to worry. How long had she lain there like that already? Would it be too late when they arrived home?
His arms were around her as they traveled, and he could feel her burning up. He was tired and hungry himself. Finally, they reached the small cabin, but they were only halfway home. He made a decision then. The others would be very worried, but he had to help her now. They would have to wait at least overnight for news from him.
He carried her into the cabin and laid her on the sofa. As quickly as he could he built a fire in the fireplace. Then he brought out some of his clothes he had stored there. He took her wet cloak off, then as politely as he could under the circumstances, he peeled off her clothes and put her into some of his dry things. He hung hers close to the fire to dry.
In the other room he also had some dried herbs and food stored. He set about making an herbal poultice to help her fever. He warmed some water from the nearby river and added the herbs. A rag soaked in the mixture was placed on her forehead.
"There," he said to the still sleeping Isabel. He patted all her exposed skin with the rag, and did so occasionally throughout the evening. For his supper, he ate some dried fruit and meat. Mostly, he waited for her to wake.
She must be hungry as well as tired. He wrapped her loosely in a blanket, and kept dabbing her pale skin with his herbs. "Come on, Isabel," he whispered.
Her face looked troubled. People usually looked at peace when asleep, but she did not. She whimpered now and then, and Nole would pat her hand, not knowing if she was aware of him or not.
She began to toss and turn sometime after dark. Nole figured this was a good sign, perhaps. At least it was a change.
At one point he must've laid down on the floor beside her because he woke there in quiet darkness, what seemed like hours later. The fire was just a pile of glowing embers, and Isabel was quiet. He rose stiffly and put some kindling and another log in the fireplace. Then he looked at her with squinting eyes. She was sleeping more peacefully now, and her skin was moist. Her fever had lessened. He smiled to himself, then pulled a chair up next to her and watched her for a while.
Sleepiness was getting to him. He woke to a soft touch on his arm. He had fallen asleep on his hands.
His head popped up and he remembered where he was. "Isabel,"
he said.
Her eyes were open and calm. She stared at him. "How did I get here?" she asked hoarsely.
"I found you," he said, suddenly shy about his patient being aware of him.
"I was ill?" she asked.
"Yes."
"How did you know?" she whispered.
"Everyone was looking for you."
She nodded with a painful expression on her face.
"Are you all right?" he asked.
"I'm fine." She smiled. Thoughts of Devon searching for her flashed through her mind. And of Kie. Would he even care?
Her body ached all over, and she felt very dry. Her lips were parched and her throat scratchy. "Is there water?" she asked.
"Yes," Nole said, hopping up to get some as if suddenly remembering his role as healer. "Here." He helped her lean forward and held the cup for her as she sipped.
She smiled in thanks as she laid back down. "This is sort of your cabin," she said glancing around.
"I spend a lot of time here," he said in return.
"It suits you," Isabel said sincerely.
He nodded. "It's simple. The way I like it."
She nodded her agreement, then grew thoughtful. "Are you happy, Nole?" she asked in her raspy voice.
He looked a little startled, but gave her question a moment of thought. "Yes," he said simply.
"I can tell you are," she said, pulling the blanket up to her chin. Then her face grew puzzled and a little sheepish. "Is it hard to be happy?" she asked quietly.
Nole chuckled a little. "I don't think so," he replied. "Aren't you happy, Isabel?"
She shook her head slowly, but added, "Part of me is."
"What part isn't?" he asked, intrigued by these questions.
"I don't understand some things."
He waited for her to go on.
"My father doesn't love me," she said frowning, "but I never knew it before." She stared into space. "'Til I came here."
He didn't agree or disagree. He just sat and waited for her to speak again.
Her green eyes looked toward him. "Why doesn't he love me, Nole?" She asked plainly.
For some reason, her simple question cut through him like ice. "I don't know," he answered. He was remembering his own past and the parents he had never met. He wondered if he had been loved. He was lost for a moment. Looking up from his reverie, he realized she was still staring at him, dissatisfied with his short answer.