II
I loved Ophelia! forty thousand brothers Could not, with all their quantity of love, Make up my sum. SHAKESPEARE.
"I was seventeen years old, and was finishing my studies at Amiens,whither my parents, who belonged to one of the first families inPicardy, had sent me. I led a life so studious and well regulated,that my masters pointed to me as a model of conduct for the otherscholars. Not that I made any extraordinary efforts to acquire thisreputation, but my disposition was naturally tractable and tranquil; myinclinations led me to apply to study; and even the natural dislike Ifelt for vice was placed to my credit as positive proof of virtue. Thesuccessful progress of my studies, my birth, and some externaladvantages of person, made me a general favourite with the inhabitantsof the town.
"I completed my public exercises with such general approbation, thatthe bishop of the diocese, who was present, proposed to me to enter thechurch, where I could not fail, he said, to acquire more distinctionthan in the Order of Malta, for which my parents had destined me. I wasalready decorated with the Cross, and called the Chevalier des Grieux.The vacation having arrived, I was preparing to return to my father,who had promised to send me soon to the Academy.
"My only regret on quitting Amiens arose from parting with a friend,some years older than myself, to whom I had always been tenderlyattached. We had been brought up together; but from the straitenedcircumstances of his family, he was intended to take orders, and was toremain after me at Amiens to complete the requisite studies for hissacred calling. He had a thousand good qualities. You will recognisein him the very best during the course of my history, and above all, azeal and fervour of friendship which surpass the most illustriousexamples of antiquity. If I had at that time followed his advice, Ishould have always continued a discreet and happy man. If I had eventaken counsel from his reproaches, when on the brink of that gulf intowhich my passions afterwards plunged me, I should have been spared themelancholy wreck of both fortune and reputation. But he was doomed tosee his friendly admonitions disregarded; nay, even at times repaid bycontempt from an ungrateful wretch, who often dared to treat hisfraternal conduct as offensive and officious.
"I had fixed the day for my departure from Amiens. Alas! that I hadnot fixed it one day sooner! I should then have carried to my father'shouse my innocence untarnished.
"The very evening before my expected departure, as I was walking withmy friend, whose name was Tiberge, we saw the Arras diligence arrive,and sauntered after it to the inn, at which these coaches stop. We hadno other motive than curiosity. Some worn men alighted, andimmediately retired into the inn. One remained behind: she was veryyoung, and stood by herself in the court, while a man of advanced age,who appeared to have charge of her, was busy in getting her luggagefrom the vehicle. She struck me as being so extremely beautiful, thatI, who had never before thought of the difference between the sexes, orlooked on woman with the slightest attention--I, whose conduct had beenhitherto the theme of universal admiration, felt myself, on theinstant, deprived of my reason and self-control. I had been alwaysexcessively timid, and easily disconcerted; but now, instead of meetingwith any impediment from this weakness, I advanced without theslightest reserve towards her, who had thus become, in a moment, themistress of my heart.
"Although younger than myself, she received my civilities withoutembarrassment. I asked the cause of her journey to Amiens, and whethershe had any acquaintances in the town. She ingenuously told me thatshe had been sent there by her parents, to commence her novitiate fortaking the veil. Love had so quickened my perception, even in theshort moment it had been enthroned, that I saw in this announcement adeath-blow to my hopes. I spoke to her in a way that made her at onceunderstand what was passing in my mind; for she had more experiencethan myself. It was against her consent that she was consigned to aconvent, doubtless to repress that inclination for pleasure which hadalready become too manifest, and which caused, in the sequel, all hermisfortunes and mine. I combated the cruel intention of her parentswith all the arguments that my new-born passion and schoolboy eloquencecould suggest. She affected neither austerity nor reserve. She toldme, after a moment's silence, that she foresaw too clearly, what herunhappy fate must be; but that it was, apparently, the will of Heaven,since there were no means left her to avert it. The sweetness of herlook, the air of sorrow with which she pronounced these words, orrather perhaps the controlling destiny which led me on to ruin, allowedme not an instant to weigh my answer. I assured her that if she wouldplace reliance on my honour, and on the tender interest with which shehad already inspired me, I would sacrifice my life to deliver her fromthe tyranny of her parents, and to render her happy. I have since beena thousand times astonished in reflecting upon it, to think how I couldhave expressed myself with so much boldness and facility; but lovecould never have become a divinity, if he had not often worked miracles.
"I made many other pressing and tender speeches; and my unknown fairone was perfectly aware that mine was not the age for deceit. Sheconfessed to me that if I could see but a reasonable hope of being ableto effect her enfranchisement, she should deem herself indebted for mykindness in more than life itself could pay. I repeated that I wasready to attempt anything in her behalf; but, not having sufficientexperience at once to imagine any reasonable plan of serving her, I didnot go beyond this general assurance, from which indeed little goodcould arise either to her or to myself. Her old guardian having bythis time joined us, my hopes would have been blighted, but that shehad tact enough to make amends for my stupidity. I was surprised, onhis approaching us, to hear her call me her cousin, and say, withoutbeing in the slightest degree disconcerted, that as she had been sofortunate as to fall in with me at Amiens, she would not go into theconvent until the next morning, in order to have the pleasure ofmeeting me at supper. Innocent as I was, I at once comprehended themeaning of this ruse; and proposed that she should lodge for the nightat the house of an innkeeper, who, after being many years my father'scoachman, had lately established himself at Amiens, and who wassincerely attached to me.
"I conducted her there myself, at which the old Argus appeared togrumble a little; and my friend Tiberge, who was puzzled by the wholescene, followed, without uttering a word. He had not heard ourconversation, having walked up and down the court while I was talkingof love to my angelic mistress. As I had some doubts of hisdiscretion, I got rid of him, by begging that he would execute acommission for me. I had thus the happiness, on arriving at the inn,of entertaining alone the sovereign of my heart.
"I soon learned that I was less a child than I had before imagined. Myheart expanded to a thousand sentiments of pleasure, of which I had notbefore the remotest idea. A delicious consciousness of enjoymentdiffused itself through my whole mind and soul. I sank into a kind ofecstasy, which deprived me for a time of the power of utterance, andwhich found vent only in a flood of tears.
"Manon Lescaut (this she told me was her name) seemed gratified by thevisible effect of her own charms. She appeared to me not less excitedthan myself. She acknowledged that she was greatly pleased with me,and that she should be enchanted to owe to me her freedom and futurehappiness. She would insist on hearing who I was, and the knowledgeonly augmented her affection; for, being herself of humble birth, shewas flattered by securing for her lover a man of family.
"After many reflections we could discover no other resource than inflight. To effect this it would be requisite to cheat the vigilance ofManon's guardian, who required management, although he was but aservant. We determined, therefore, that, during the night, I shouldprocure a post-chaise, and return with it at break of day to the inn,before he was awake; that we should steal away quietly, and go straightto Paris, where we might be married on our arrival. I had about fiftycrowns in my pocket, the fruit of my little savings at school; and shehad about twice as much. We imagined, like inexperienced children,that such a sum could never be exhausted, and we counted, with equalconfidence, upon the success of our o
ther schemes.
"After having supped, with certainly more satisfaction than I had everbefore experienced, I retired to prepare for our project. All myarrangements were the more easy, because, for the purpose of returningon the morrow to my father's, my luggage had been already packed. Ihad, therefore, no difficulty in removing my trunk, and having a chaiseprepared for five o'clock in the morning, at which hour the gates ofthe town would be opened; but I encountered an obstacle which I waslittle prepared for, and which nearly upset all my plans.
"Tiberge, although only three years older than myself, was a youth ofunusually strong mind, and of the best regulated conduct. He loved mewith singular affection. The sight of so lovely a girl as Manon, myill-disguised impatience to conduct her to the inn, and the anxiety Ibetrayed to get rid of him, had excited in his mind some suspicions ofmy passion. He had not ventured to return to the inn where he had leftme, for fear of my being annoyed at his doing so; but went to wait forme at my lodgings, where, although it was ten o'clock at night, I foundhim on my arrival. His presence annoyed me, and he soon perceived therestraint which it imposed. 'I am certain,' he said to me, without anydisguise, 'that you have some plan in contemplation which you will notconfide to me; I see it by your manner.' I answered him ratherabruptly, that I was not bound to render him an account of all mymovements. 'Certainly not!' he replied; 'but you have always, hitherto,treated me as a friend, and that appellation implies a certain degreeof confidence and candour.' He pressed me so much and so earnestly todiscover my secret, that, having never up to that moment felt theslightest reserve towards him, I confided to him now the whole historyof my passion. He heard it with an appearance of disapprobation, whichmade me tremble; and I immediately repented of my indiscretion, intelling him of my intended elopement. He told me he was too sincerelymy friend not to oppose every obstacle in his power to such a scheme;that he would first try all other means of turning me from such apurpose, but that if I refused to renounce so fatal a resolution, heassuredly would inform some persons of my intention, who would be ableto defeat it. He held forth upon the subject for a full quarter of anhour, in the most serious tone, and ended by again threatening toinform against me, if I did not pledge him my word that I would returnto the paths of discretion and reason.
"I was in despair at having so awkwardly betrayed myself. However, lovehaving wonderfully sharpened my intellect during the last two or threehours, I recollected that I had not yet told him of its being myintention to execute my project on the following morning, and I at oncedetermined to deceive him by a little equivocation.
"'Tiberge,' said I to him, 'up to the present moment I thought you weremy friend; and I wished to prove it by the test of confidence. It istrue, I am in love; I have not deceived you: but with regard to myflight, that is a project not to be undertaken without deliberation.Call for me tomorrow at nine o'clock: you shall see my mistress, if itbe possible, and then judge whether she is not worthy of any risk orsacrifice on my part.' He left me, with a thousand protestations offriendship.
"I employed the night in preparing for the journey, and on repairing tothe inn at early dawn, I found Manon waiting my arrival. She was ather window, which looked upon the street, and perceiving my approach,she came down and opened the door herself. We took our departuresilently, and without creating the least alarm. She merely broughtaway a small portion of her apparel, of which I took charge. Thechaise was in readiness, and we were soon at a distance from the town.
"You will learn in the sequel what was the conduct of Tiberge when hediscovered that I had deceived him; that his zeal to serve me sufferedno diminution; and you will observe to what lengths his devotioncarried him. How ought I to grieve, when I reflect on the baseingratitude with which his affection was always repaid!
"We made such speed on our journey that before night we reached St.Denis. I rode alongside of the chaise, which gave us littleopportunity for conversation, except while changing horses; but when wefound ourselves so near Paris, and out of the reach of danger, weallowed ourselves time for refreshment, not having tasted food since wequitted Amiens. Passionately in love as I felt with Manon, she knewhow to convince me that she was equally so with me. So little did werestrain our fondness, that we had not even patience to reserve ourcaresses till we were alone. The postilions and innkeepers stared at uswith wonder, and I remarked that they appeared surprised at suchuncontrollable love in children of our age.
"Our project of marriage was forgotten at St. Denis; we defrauded theChurch of her rights; and found ourselves united as man and wifewithout reflecting on the consequences. It is certain that with myeasy and constant disposition, I should have been happy for my wholelife, if Manon had remained faithful to me. The more I saw of her, themore I discovered in her new perfections. Her mind, her heart, hergentleness and beauty, formed a chain at once so binding and soagreeable, that I could have found perfect happiness in its enduringinfluence. Terrible fatality, that which has been the source of mydespair, might, under a slight change of circumstances, haveconstituted my happiness. I find myself the most wretched of mankind,by the force of that very constancy from which I might have fairlyexpected to derive the most serene of human blisses, and the mostperfect recompense of love.
"We took a furnished apartment at Paris, in the Rue V----, and, as itafterwards turned out, to my sorrow, close to the house of M. de B----,the famous Fermier-general. Three weeks passed, during which I was soabsorbed in my passion, that I never gave a thought to my family, nordreamed of the distress which my father probably felt at my absence.However, as there was yet nothing of profligacy about me, and as Manonconducted herself with the strictest propriety, the tranquil life weled served to restore me by degrees to a sense of duty.
"I resolved to effect, if possible, a reconciliation with my parent.My mistress was to me so perfectly lovable, that I could not doubther power of captivating my father, if I could only find the means ofmaking him acquainted with her good conduct and merit. In a word, Irelied on obtaining his consent to our marriage, having given up allidea of accomplishing it without his approval. I mentioned the projectto Manon, and explained to her that, besides every motive of filiallove and duty, the weightier one of necessity should also have someinfluence; for our finances were sadly reduced, and I began to see thefolly of thinking them, as I once did, inexhaustible.
"Manon received the proposition with considerable coldness. However,the difficulties she made, being apparently the suggestions oftenderness alone, or as arising from the natural fear of losing me, ifmy father, after learning our address, should refuse his assent to ourunion, I had not the smallest suspicion of the cruel blow she was atthe very time preparing to inflict. As to the argument of necessity,she replied that we had still abundant means of living for some weekslonger, and that she would then find a resource in the kindness of somerelations in the country, to whom she should write. She tempered heropposition by caresses so tender and impassioned, that I, who livedonly for her, and who never had the slightest misgiving as to her love,applauded at once her arguments and her resolutions.
"To Manon I had committed the care of our finances, and the house-holdarrangements. In a short time, I observed that our style of living wasimproved, and that she had treated herself to more expensive dresses.As I calculated that we could hardly have at this period more thanfifteen or twenty crowns remaining, I did not conceal my surprise atthis mysterious augmentation of our wealth. She begged of me, with asmile, to give myself no trouble on that head. 'Did I not promiseyou,' said she, 'that I would find resources?' I loved her too purelyto experience the slightest suspicion.
"One day, having gone out in the afternoon, and told her that I shouldnot be at home so early as usual, I was astonished, on my return, atbeing detained several minutes at the door. Our only servant was ayoung girl about our own age. On her letting me in at last, I askedwhy she had detained me so long? She replied in an embarrassed tone,that she did not hear me knock. 'I only knocked once,' said I;
'so ifyou did not hear me, why come to open the door at all?' This querydisconcerted her so visibly, that losing her presence of mind, shebegan to cry, assuring me that it was not her fault; and that hermistress had desired her not to open the door until M. de B---- had hadtime to go down by the back staircase. I was so confounded by thisinformation as to be utterly unable to proceed to our apartment; andwas obliged to leave the house, under the pretext of an appointment. Idesired the girl, therefore, to let her mistress know that I shouldreturn in a few minutes, but on no account to say that she had spokento me of M. de B----.
"My horror was so great, that I shed tears as I went along, hardlyknowing from what feeling they flowed. I entered a coffee-house closeby, and placing myself at a table, I buried my face between my hands,as though I would turn my eyes inward to ascertain what was passing inmy heart. Still, I dared not recall what I had heard the momentbefore. I strove to look upon it as a dream; and was more than once onthe point of returning to my lodgings, determined to attach noimportance to what I had heard.
"It appeared to me so impossible that Manon could have been unfaithful,that I feared even to wrong her by a suspicion. I adored her--that wastoo certain; I had not on my part given her more proofs of my love thanI had received of hers; why then should I charge her with being lesssincere and constant than myself? What reason could she have todeceive me? Not three hours before, she had lavished upon me the mosttender caresses, and had received mine with transport: I knew her heartas thoroughly as my own. 'No, no!' I said, 'it is not possible thatManon can have deceived me. She well knows that I live but for her;that I adore her: upon that point I can have no reason to be unhappy.'
"Notwithstanding these reflections, the visit of M. de B----, and hissecret departure, gave me some uneasiness. I remembered, too, thelittle purchases she had lately made, which seemed beyond our presentmeans. This looked like the liberality of a new lover. And theconfidence with which she had foretold resources which were to meunknown? I had some difficulty in solving these mysteries in asfavourable a manner as my heart desired.
"On the other hand, she had been hardly out of my sight since weentered Paris. However occupied, in our walks, in all our amusements,she was ever at my side. Heavens! even a momentary separation wouldhave been too painful. I could not therefore imagine how Manon could,to any other person, have devoted a single instant.
"At last I thought I had discovered a clue to the mystery. 'M. deB----' said I to myself, 'is a man extensively engaged in commercialaffairs; and Manon's relations have no doubt remitted her money throughhis house. She has probably already received some from him, and he iscome today to bring her more. She wishes, perhaps, to derive amusementby and by, from an agreeable surprise, by keeping me at present in thedark. She would doubtless have at once told me all, if I had gone inas usual, instead of coming here to distress myself: at all events, shewill not conceal it from me when I broach the subject myself.'
"I cherished this idea so willingly, that it considerably lightened mygrief. I immediately returned to my lodgings, and embraced Manon astenderly as ever. She received me as usual. At first I was tempted tomention my conjectures, which I now, more than ever, looked upon ascertain; but I restrained myself in the hope that she might render itunnecessary by informing me of all that had passed.
"Supper was served. Assuming an air of gaiety, I took my seat attable; but by the light of the candles which were between us, I fanciedI perceived an air of melancholy about the eyes and countenance of mybeloved mistress. The very thought soon damped my gaiety. I remarkedthat her looks wore an unusual expression, and although nothing couldbe more soft or languishing, I was at a loss to discover whether theyconveyed more of love than of compassion. I gazed at her with equalearnestness, and she perhaps had no less difficulty in comprehendingfrom my countenance what was passing in my heart. We neither spoke norate. At length I saw tears starting from her beauteouseyes--perfidious tears! 'Oh heavens!' I cried, 'my dearest Manon, whyallow your sorrows to afflict you to this degree without impartingtheir cause to me?' She answered me only with sighs, which increasedmy misery. I arose trembling from my seat: I conjured her, with allthe urgent earnestness of love, to let me know the cause of her grief:I wept in endeavouring to soothe her sorrows: I was more dead thanalive. A barbarian would have pitied my sufferings as I stoodtrembling with grief and apprehension.
"While my attention was thus confined to her, I heard people comingupstairs. They tapped gently at the door. Manon gave me a kiss, andescaping from my arms, quickly entered the boudoir, turning the keyafter her. I imagined that, not being dressed to receive strangers,she was unwilling to meet the persons who had knocked; I went to letthem in.
"I had hardly opened the door, when I found myself seized by three men,whom I recognised as my father's servants. They offered not the leastviolence, but two of them taking me by the arms, the third examined mypockets, and took out a small knife, the only weapon I had about me.They begged pardon for the necessity they were under of treating mewith apparent disrespect; telling me frankly that they were acting bythe orders of my father, and that my eldest brother was in a carriagebelow waiting to receive me. My feelings were so overpowered, that Iallowed myself to be led away without making either reply orresistance. I found my brother waiting for me as they had stated.They placed me by his side, and the coachman immediately drove, by hisorders, towards St. Denis.
"My brother embraced me most affectionately, but during our ride, heuttered not a word, so that, as I was not inclined for conversation, Ihad as much leisure as I could desire to reflect upon my misfortunes."