Lilly chatters on about the game, but my mind drifts as I put away the groceries. I love seeing Lilly so animated and enraptured with her new life here. She's fit in easily, adapting quickly to going to school and forging a relationship with her father.
I wish it were that easy for me, but I'm more confused than ever over my feelings for Marek. I could kick myself a thousand times for ever letting those three words out of my mouth a week ago.
"I love you."
I should have had better control. I shouldn't let my body and my heart interconnect. It was impossible to contain myself, the feel of him inside of me all consuming. So big and thick and filling me up so completely, I could barely breathe from the intensity of the moment.
But those three words managed to escape all the same, and I wish I could take them back. Not because I don't mean them, but because I do mean them. I mean them with all my heart, and it's too disappointing that Marek doesn't want to receive them.
Or at least that's what I've taken away from that night a week ago.
For the next five nights until he had to leave for another road trip, Marek made love to me in his bed. Once Lilly was asleep, he'd silently pull me in there and strip me down. Sometimes he'd fuck me furiously, and other times slowly. Marek had no problem letting his body convey whatever emotions he was feeling for me. It's been intense, the way he silently worships my body, taking me to the greatest of heights night after night. But he doesn't love me, and I'm careful never to mention those words again.
How can I when I've got nothing but doubt swirling around me now?
Doubt about Marek and my place here in his home. Doubt about whether I should even be here in North Carolina, setting myself up for perhaps another heartbreak.
I can never allow myself to forget what caused the rift between Marek and me in the first place. He left me. He decided he didn't love me anymore. He wanted a life without me. A life with other things that weren't me.
I've been getting subtle reminders of that, and I'd chosen to ignore those things. But because my heart is getting too wrapped up again with him, I've got to keep my expectations low.
Marek FaceTimed Lilly just before she went to bed the other night. It was getting late for her here, but we were cuddled on the couch together watching a movie and I didn't want that moment to end. I know Lilly's growing up on me, so I take advantage of all the cuddles I can get.
Lilly went nuts when she saw Marek's face on my phone screen, and I muted the television as Lilly answered it.
"There's my girl," Marek said as he smiled into the camera on his phone.
"Hey, Daddy," she chirped, holding the phone up so close to her face that I doubt he could see much more than her nose and lips on his end. I grabbed the top of my phone and gently pulled it back so Marek could get a full view of her. "Are you playing hockey?"
Lilly doesn't understand the road trips. In her mind, Daddy is just always on the ice playing. She doesn't get the travel or the days off between games. That night he called was an off-night, and I could tell Marek was just freshly showered, as his hair was a little damp.
He'd asked Lilly how her day was and they chattered away as I watched. Then Holt's face appeared in the screen, nudging Marek to the side. He clamped a hand on Marek's shoulder and said into the camera, "Lilly! What's up, princess?"
Lilly giggled but didn't say anything, just stared at the screen.
"Come on, man," Holt said to Marek. "Uber driver is here."
Holt then waved at Lilly. "Night, Lilly."
"Good night," she said.
Marek brought the camera a little closer to his face. "I got to go, but I want to talk to your mommy first."
"Okay," Lilly said as she turned to hand the phone to me.
Marek's words stopped her. "I love you, Lilly."
"Love you too," she said, and grinned back at him. A beautifully sweet ache thumped in the center of my chest, seeing the love between them and also knowing it was only between them.
Lilly handed me the phone and I turned it fully to me, putting a bright smile on my face. "Hey. What's up?"
It seemed as if Marek was drinking in my face for a moment before he smiled. "Just wanted to check in to see how you're doing."
"We're doing great. Lilly misses you."
"Do you miss me?" he'd asked, and the mischievous tone in his voice told me that he expected me to say yes.
And because I did miss him, I was truthful. "Of course I do."
"That's my girl," he replied.
My heart swelled over the possessive tone in his voice and the husky richness that caused my belly to flutter.
Then the moment was ruined when Holt's face came back into view. He saw it was me and said, "Hey, Gracen. Let your man go. We've got places to go and people to see."
I made my smile brighter and even laughed. "Sure thing. You guys have fun tonight."
"Oh, we will," Holt said before disappearing from the screen. I could hear his voice, though. "Come on, Marek."
Marek glanced over his shoulder then back to me. He gave me a sheepish smile and a shrug. "We're going to go grab some dinner and drinks."
"Have fun," I'd told him, hoping my voice sounded as earnest as I wanted my heart to feel. I never want to hold him back.
"I will," he'd said back. Not in a gloating way, but in a way that told me all the same that he loved this partially nomadic life.
It was a reminder to me to keep my heart shielded and to shelve expectations.
Yet a small part of me held out hope.
Still holds out hope.
There have been good things. Really good things, sometimes reminiscent of the younger Marek I fell in love with years ago. One day he brought me home a jersey. A Fabritis jersey to match the one he'd given Lilly. He had me come watch another night game, and afterward we didn't go out but came back to the house and made love all night long.
He's been openly affectionate to me. In front of Lilly, who thinks nothing of it, and in front of his parents, who raised their eyebrows the first time he came up behind me and kissed me on the neck while they watched.
And every night when he's in Raleigh, I'm in his bed. Sure, he hasn't said anything about moving my clothes down from the guest room upstairs. And he hasn't asked me to come watch every game. I mean, I know I'll never get an invitation to travel on the road with him, because that would probably impinge on the freedom he probably still craves. I won't be a part of that inside club within the franchise.
I take a deep breath, resolving to focus on the good things, but to keep my expectations realistic. That's about the best I can do.
"Mommy." I hear Lilly's voice and look down to find her tugging on my shorts. She holds the phone up to me. "G-Pa wants to talk to you."
I smile at her and take the phone, turning the screen to me. My mom is gone and it's just my dad's face.
"Hey," I say sweetly in my daddy's-girl voice that I can't seem to get rid of despite the fact I'm an adult.
Dad chuckles. "Seems like Lilly's turned into a hockey nut."
I can't help but laugh. "Yeah...she's really taken to the sport now that she knows that's her daddy's job."
"Listen," my dad says in a swift change of subject. "I just wanted to let you know I got a call from Mr. Waller a few days ago."
"Owen's dad?" I ask in shock, even though I know it can't be anyone else.
My dad nods. "He said he was extending the loan for six months."
"Just like that?" I ask suspiciously.
"Just like that," my dad confirms. "The attorney we hired is guiding us through the negotiations with the gas company that wants to purchase our property. It will probably take a few months to get it all done, but well before the six months is up. I just wanted you to know, honey, that we're okay and you don't need to worry about us."
The smile that comes to my face feels good. Not forced, the way I had to do with Marek the other night, but genuinely warm and gracious. "I'm glad. That's one stress of
f my plate."
Of course, that leads to my father wanting to know all about my stresses. That leads to mom coming back onto the screen, both of them grilling me on how things are going with my job and between Marek and me. I give them the details on the job, but play it vague with Marek, telling them only what I'd just resolved myself to do.
I'll focus on the good things we have, but keep my expectations for anything more to a realistic minimum. That should keep me safe.
Chapter 25
Marek
I keep my hand on Gracen's back as we trail the maitre d' through the restaurant. As requested when I'd made the reservation the other day, the put us near the back in a semisecluded round booth. Gracen slides in and I follow her.
Gracen takes off a sparkly black shawl she'd been wearing over her bare arms as I accept the menus from the maitre d' and nod my understanding when he says our waiter will be with us soon.
I sit close enough to Gracen to feel her body heat, but with enough space I can turn to look at her during conversation. I hand the menu to her and she smiles.
Tonight is going perfectly. While my time during the season is limited, I've been working hard these last few weeks to spend some quality time with Gracen. Between work and Lilly and coming to my home games, she doesn't have much time left to herself. The fact that she would choose to spend that free time with me doesn't go unappreciated.
So tonight is about Gracen. I'd scored front-row seats to Avenue Q, which is one of Gracen's favorite musicals. I'm not that big on theater and such, but tonight has brought back some great memories. Gracen was heavily into drama during high school, and actually had dreams and aspirations of being an actress. I'm not quite sure how she went from wanting to be an actress to becoming a nurse, because I wasn't a part of her life at that point.
We're capping off the evening with a late dinner at one of the best downtown restaurants that money can buy, and it's a good thing I make lots of money. It helped in securing a plum table.
The waiter comes and we order drinks. A bourbon and club soda for me, a dirty martini for Gracen. After he leaves, I don't bother looking at the menu. I'm prepared for this to be a very long meal where we're just going to spend time together and talk. There hasn't been a lot of that lately, and it's a reminder of how rough my career can be on a relationship.
I turn to Gracen, putting my elbow on the table, my other hand skimming my fingers over the skin on her shoulder. She's wearing a simple sleeveless black dress, and she shivers from the touch.
"Did you enjoy the show?" I ask her.
She smiles broadly, her perfect white teeth gleaming in the candlelight from the table. "It was amazing. It's one of my favorites."
"I remember," I tell her, noting the way she blinks in surprise at that admission. I lean in to kiss her, and when I pull back, I give her a wink. "What? I paid attention to things, you know."
"You used to hate coming to the plays and musicals I was in," she reminds me with a chastising look.
"But I came," I remind her with an unabashed smile.
Gracen laughs and reaches out to her water glass. As she takes a sip, I ask her, "Why did you become a nurse? You were really focused on the arts your first two years in college."
Gracen's smile turns fond, perhaps missing the time when she had dreams that were really big and perhaps unreachable. She shrugs and lifts her eyes to mine. "With a baby on the way, I knew I had to focus on a career that actually paid bills."
I force myself not to wince over that reminder that Gracen's life changed drastically after I left her. Had I stayed, she could have afforded to pursue those dreams and be a mother.
I refuse to apologize, though, because Gracen and I have made somewhat of a pact that those things are in the past and we're moving forward, but I decide I don't want to hide from talking about it. Ever since Gracen told me she loved me a few weeks ago, I realized that perhaps we are building something that could potentially be stronger than what we had before.
So I ask her, "What was it really like? Going through the pregnancy alone?"
Gracen's chin tucks in as she looks at me in disbelief that I'd ask such a thing, the risk being that old wounds could be torn open. I just return her look with one of open curiosity and no judgment.
She relaxes and even lifts her chin a bit. "It wasn't so bad. I was living with Mom and Dad, so I had a lot of support. Mom went with me to all of my doctor visits."
This didn't surprise me. Gracen is tremendously close to her parents, unlike her older sister, Beverly, who was always sort of her own person. Independent and not overly giving.
"I don't know how you did it," I tell her, but I'm interrupted by the waiter.
He sets our drinks down and asks, "Are you ready to order?"
"Not yet," I tell him. "We're taking our time tonight."
"Of course, sir," he says with a slight bow. "I'll check back."
I nod and turn back to Gracen to continue our conversation. Instead, I find her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle.
"What?" I ask her as she just looks at me with dancing eyes.
"You're like...all grown up and mature," she says with a snort as her hand drops from her mouth to reach for her martini.
Chuckling, I take a sip of my own drink, feel the muted burn of liquor and the fizz of soda coat my tongue. When I set the glass down, I turn back and tell her, "I don't know how you did it. Stayed in school full time. Drove a hellacious commute each day. Raised a baby."
Gracen shrugs. "I'm sure it was awful, but looking back on it now, I can't really remember. It's like the reward of Lilly has sort of obliterated how hard it was to bring her into the world."
My stomach churns, thinking about just how hard it was for her. I'd read up on placental abruption. I know I'm a lucky man that Gracen and Lilly are alive. When I think of Gracen sitting in class, probably scared to death when she started bleeding and suffering unimaginable pain.
She was fucking all alone in another city, in danger of losing her baby, and she had to bear all of that alone. A stinging sensation hits my eyes, and it's so foreign that for a moment I think something might be wrong with me physically.
Then I recognize it for what it is and blink my eyes hard to dispel what might end up being my undoing.
Gracen, who knows me better than most anyone, recognizes my dilemma and rushes in to save my sanity by changing the subject. "Lilly...can you believe how taken she is with hockey now? I mean, she's not even four yet, and all she wants to do is watch you play hockey."
Nice diverting tactic, Gracen.
I give a little cough and nod. My voice is hoarse, but Gracen pretends not to notice. "Yeah, chip off the old block, I guess."
Gracen laughs. "Well, she's also overly dramatic and a natural-born entertainer. Maybe she'll go into the fine arts like her mama once wanted to."
"That kid can be whatever she wants to be," I say with a laugh and a whole lot of pride. "If she's got a tenth of your determination, she's going to conquer the world."
Gracen blushes and the corners of her mouth tip up in a shy smile. Her eyes turn teasing. "She got her stubbornness from you, that's for sure."
"Well, she got that evil-sounding laugh from you." I laugh and then demonstrate. "Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha."
Slapping me on the arm, Gracen admonishes, "I do not laugh like that."
"Do too," I say emphatically. "I'm always looking over my shoulder when you laugh like that. I know you're up to no good."
I'm given a loud snort. "She got her penchant for overexaggeration from you."
I throw my head back and laugh, and it feels good. My time with Gracen is always so rushed, and let's face it, I want to spend what little of it I have in bed with her, but this is just nice.
The waiter approaches but I shake my head. He about-faces and walks off. I pick up my drink, take another sip while Gracen does the same.
"How's work going?" I ask her as I set my glass down.
Gracen swall
ows and plucks up the toothpick loaded with three blue cheese-stuffed olives. She takes one off with her teeth, and it disappears behind full, pink lips. God, those lips. Feel great on my dick, and--
I shake my head. Not the time.
Not the time.
Thank God Gracen doesn't know my thoughts have turned lewd as she launches into just how much she's liking her job. She concludes by saying, "But it's not the same as the neonatal work. I just hope I can get in if an opening occurs."
"I'm sure Josie will put in a good word," I offer.
Gracen shakes her head. "She doesn't have that kind of pull for one of those competitive jobs. But still, it's really nice having a friend like her to talk to."
"I'm glad," I tell her earnestly, even though I'd bet my left nut Josie was not on team Marek in the early days of Gracen's relocation here. "Reed said Josie's going to come to the Pittsburgh game next week."
Gracen nods as she twirls the toothpick with the remaining olives. "She's excited. She doesn't take a lot of time off work."
I know Reed's going to be in hog heaven, having her on the road with us. I remember those days of Gracen traveling with my parents to some of my away games at Boston College. It's true. I always play better when she's watching.
Maybe one day she'll come on the road with me. Lilly too on some occasions, but it would be nice to travel with just Gracen.
But I can't ask her now. She's so busy with a new job and she won't ask for time off. She wants to have a stellar record in case a job in neonatal opens up. But hopefully within a few months, she'll be more settled and maybe I can convince her to take some time off for a few road trips with me.
Yeah, I definitely think Gracen and I are headed in the right direction. We'll take it slowly and we'll be that much better for it.
I lift my glass up to her. "Here's to a fantastic evening out," I tell her in a low voice. I lean in closer, my words a rough rumble. "Even better time tonight when I get you home and out of those clothes."
Gracen's eyes sparkle with promise as she drops her hand to my thigh. She caresses it and picks up her martini with her other hand. Tapping it against my glass, she murmurs, "Thank you for a great night, and I'm so going to suck your cock when we get home."