“Kami, are you ok?” Brandon’s voice broke through my thoughts. It puts a smile on my face. “I think it’s best that I stop now, or I won’t be able to stop doing what I really want to do.”
Then I felt the bed pop up and I looked up at him. He was standing there next to the bed looking down at me. He was wearing a facial expression I couldn’t read and I couldn’t fathom what he was thinking. I wasn’t sure if it was because it was dark in the room with just the light from the moon coming in through the window or from the relaxed state, he put me in. But I threw myself at him.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. I tried to show him all the feelings I had for him in that kiss. He responded immediately by wrapping his arms around my waist and pushing me down on the bed leaning over me. He broke out of the kiss and kissed along my collarbone and then looked up at me. There was that strange emotion flashing in his eyes once again.
“Kami, I have to tell you something I’ve been keeping from you.”
The way he said that, I felt my heart rate increase, thinking that it was going to be something bad. “What?”
He sighed and leaned his head on my chest and I could feel him take a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t really know how to tell you this. Given I’ve never felt this before, so I’m scared to let it out, but I’m tired of holding it in.” He moved so he was looking right down at me. “I’m in love with you.”
15
I looked at him in a state of shock, unsure what I was supposed to say. My heart was swimming in a heat of emotions with his words, while my mind screamed in panic. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I looked into his. I wanted to say the words back, but with my mind going in so many directions, I was unable to do so.
He dropped his weight on me a little and whispered, “Kami, don’t force yourself to say it. I don’t want you to think that just because I said it, you need to feel the need to say it back. When you’re ready, you’ll be able to say it back.” Then he stood up and walked out onto the patio.
I sat up on my elbow and looked at the open door, wondering if confessing his feelings for me was too much for him to handle. Knowing I couldn’t just lay here while he wallowed in grief, I got up and walked to the door to see him standing by the railing looking out to the black ocean as it glimmered from the full moon above it. As I stepped closer to him, I saw that he was gripping onto the railing as if he was trying to control his own emotions. When I was behind him, I didn’t speak, but wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned my head against his back. It was like my touch had broken through him and I felt him loosen up and he placed one of his hands against mine that was lying against his toned stomach.
“I’m sorry, Kami,” he said, breaking the silence. I could hear the agony in his voice as he spoke, now more sure than ever that this had become too much for him to handle.
I let go and walked around, pulling him away from the railing. When he looked at me, I saw the same broken boy from the night before, the one who wanted to feel loved and cared for, as he was showing me. Seeing him at his breaking point, I knew it was time to let down my guard and allow myself to acknowledge my feelings and not to be scared of them. “Brandon, there’s no reason to be sorry. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
He sighed, touching his forehead against mine and closing his eyes. “Kami, I feel like I’m forcing you to do things you’re not ready for. I don’t want you to think that I just want sex from you. The truth is, you have this spell over me. Hell, you have since we were kids. I didn’t really think too much of it till these past few weeks, but I understand it now. If we continue what we started in there, it’s going to make it that much harder to let you go after graduation.”
I was closely listening to him and there was that part that didn’t escape my notice. “What do you mean ‘since we were kids’?” I thought back to my younger years and how we were never really friends even though we had the same classes. I did try to become friends with him, but he only pushed me away, like I had done to all of my friends after the abuse began.
He turned his head to look at the ocean. “Since we were little, I’ve always watched you. Back then though, you seemed happy and were always playing with the other kids. I never understood why I was so fascinated with watching you, but I was. But when we entered middle school, something changed in your personality. You just pushed people away from you and built up these crazy walls to keep others out. That confused me more than anything. So I stayed to the side and just kept an eye out on you to make sure nothing happened to you. I was always watching you and I noticed that if someone would bump into you, you would cry out just a little and I guessed a small part of me knew then that you were getting beaten. I just didn’t want to listen to that part of myself. I remembered a time during our freshman year when I saw the bruise. You looked at me with those blue eyes asking me not to question it, but that made me pay even more attention to you. I watched to see if someone at school had caused you trouble, but never saw anyone.”
I looked down at his hands to see he was back to gripping the railing as he poured his heart out. Why hadn’t I noticed that he had been there the whole time, watching me? I remembered him, saying he noticed things at the beginning, but never told me he had been watching me.
Still looking into the night sky, he continued: “Then the day when I finally came up to you, I knew something was off. I was standing by my locker talking to Jake about some race coming up when I caught you walking down the hall with your hood over your head covering your face. Then when I saw your face, something snapped and I knew I couldn’t just stand in the shadows anymore. You know the rest, but along the way my feelings for you grew. I fell in love with you and it hurts to know that in a few weeks you might just walk away from me.”
Brandon looked at me, and even with just the moon shining, I could see the love he had for me in them. After his confession and knowing the truth now, I knew without a doubt that this was the man I was meant to be with. I was in love with Brandon Mitchell, the bad boy. “Brandon...” I started, but stopped when I saw the hurt in his eyes. He held up his hand.
“Kami, don’t. I’m ok, with you knowing how I really feel. I just want to live the night like this,” he said, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me closer to him. “I just want to have you in my arms every night when I go to sleep till I take my last breath. You mean more to me than anything ever has.”
“Brandon,” I tried again.
And again, he cut me off. “No, Kami. Come, let’s go to sleep.” He let go of me and returned into our dark room. He led us to the bed, leaving the door open and letting the salty sea air swim its way into the room with us. He pulled the covers back and crawled into bed, pulling me down next to him. “Good night, Kami.” He kissed the top of my head that was lying against his chest and his arms were wrapped around my midsection. “I love you.”
I just lay there as I felt his body relax. I looked up to his sleeping face, how at peace he was. I knew he was asleep, but I had to tell him, hoping it would be easier to say it again once he was awake. I lifted up a little and he tightened his grip on me, bringing a smile to my face. Leaning down, I brushed my lips against his. “Brandon, I’m in love with you too.”
Looking at him, I couldn't help but smile softly. I reached out and lightly traced my fingertips down the side of his face. "I love you, Brandon," I repeated, my voice sounding more confident. I was stronger, more sure of my feelings for my husband. I may not have married him for love, but as each day had passed, I had grown to love him with everything I had in me.
I leaned forward to kiss him again, only to feel his hand slide up my arm and over my shoulder, before wrapping around the back of my neck. This allowed him to pull me tenderly close to his chest, our lips connecting. My eyes closed and I devoured the sweet taste of his tongue as it teased my own. Suddenly, Brandon gripped my waist, flipping me over so that I was now lying on my back.
I gazed up at him with anticipation as he hovered abov
e me, holding my breath and waiting as his eyes wandered down the length of my body. I couldn't help but blush under his heated gaze and he gave me a sexy smirk before lowering his head for another kiss. Sighing, I wrapped my arms around his neck while I twined my fingers into his hair, pulling him closer, not wanting any space between us. Our lips moved in perfect synch with one another, giving and taking. He let out a low growl just before he pulled back for air. I looked into those warm brown eyes and I could see the love and passion reflected in them by way of the moonlight that was streaming into our room.
He breathed in deeply. "Say it again, Kami," he whispered, giving me that same sexy smile which had the unique ability to make me both weak and exhilarated at the same time. I didn't think it was possible, but my heart started hammering away faster, pounding hard against my chest. He had heard me. It was out in the open now. My soul had been laid bare. Brandon knew how I felt about him now. The relief that he wasn't backing away from me made me love him even more.
My hands played with his hair as I waited for him to make the next move.
"You are so beautiful, Kami."
My smile grew as I felt his body shudder above mine. Acting on instinct, I tenderly scratched my nails across his scalp and along the back of his neck. His head bowed as I tugged lightly on the silken strands that were held within my hands. He looked up at me, his eyes meeting mine and I gave him a smile that I hoped conveyed everything I felt for him. "I love you, Brandon," I repeated.
Brandon let out a low chuckle, running a hand down my side until it reached my hip. His touch ignited a fire within me when I remembered that I was still in my bra and panties. He had access to caress any part of my body that he wanted.
No sooner than that thought came to me when I felt his slightly calloused hand smooth over my hip, squeezing gently. I felt him slip a hand under my hips and raise them while bringing his hips down at the same time. Our bodies began grinding together with the promise of what was to come. He repeated the action, causing my blush to build. I could feel the evidence of the effect that our makeout session was having on him as he swelled within his pants. Our lips moved hungrily against each other, and I felt him ever so lightly lick my bottom lip, sending delightful shivers down my spine.
Brandon lifted his head in an unhurried manner before he ran his hand up my back, fingers grazing the clasp of my bra. My breath hitched and my heart raced once more. I could see the question that he was asking me in his eyes: was this all right? Was it OK to continue?
It was more than all right for me! And judging by how deeply he was breathing, it was fine with him, too. He studied me for a moment and his smile widened. But it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. He pulled away from me, lifting himself up and off me before sitting on the side of the bed. Brandon sighed deeply as he put his head in his hands. I grazed over at him, confused by this sudden rejection.
"Kami, we can't do this." He rubbed his hands over his face, looking up the ceiling before turning back to me. "I don't want you to think that just because I said I loved you, it automatically means that I expect sex from you now," he exclaimed, dropping his head back into his hands.
The sight of Brandon looking so disheveled pulled at something deep within me. I took a moment to really think about what he was saying. Did I want this? Did I want to be with him in that way? Was I ready to be with him sexually? Examining the situation, I knew that the answer to all of those questions was 'yes.' I loved Brandon and I trusted him. It made perfect sense as I swung my legs over the side of the bed and moved until I was standing in front of him.
Reaching out, I buried my hands into his hair, stroking the silky strands and letting them slide through my fingers. Kneeling in front of him, I tilted my head until I could see his eyes and brought a trembling hand up and rested it against his cheek. I could feel the roughness of the stubble on his face and looked into his eyes. "Brandon, listen to me, please," I begged, my voice coming out strong, confident, and sure. "You're not pressuring me into anything. I want to do this." I softly ran the tips of my fingers down his face and gently over his lips. Taking a deep breath to bolster my confidence, I reached behind me and unclasped my bra, letting the straps fall loose around my shoulders.
I heard him suck in a breath and I smiled. I had his attention now, there was no doubt about that!
Standing up, I took a step back and my body shivered at the heated look that was now in his eyes. I couldn't stop now, though, and I continued. "What I do want is for my husband to make passionate love to me. To show me how amazing being with someone can feel. And I want to show him that I love him more than words can ever begin to describe." I let my bra fall to the ground and moved around him and knelt on the bed, turning my head slightly to look at him. "Show me, Brandon. All of it."
Suddenly, he stood, spinning to face me, regarding me with such intensity that I felt it through to my bones. He placed a knee on the bed and then reached out, pulling my legs out from underneath me. As I fell on my back, he sprang forward, effectively holding me in place. My eyes widened as I heard his breathing pick up. With such tenderness uncommon in a man his size, Brandon ran his hand through my hair, brushing it off my face and tucking it behind my ear.
"Kami, are you sure?" His voice was strangled. "I need to know because once we start this, I don't think I'll be able to stop." He swallowed hard.
I didn't want to use words. I wanted to show him. Actions always speak louder than words. I rose up and kissed him hard. I put all of my certainty and love into that kiss. I used that kiss to let him know that I was ready to belong to him in every way possible. I wanted us to show each other what our true feelings were.
I woke up the next morning to Brandon angrily shaking me awake. “Kami, wake up,” he said as I opened my eyes to the sunlight. I looked up at him to see anger etched on his face. After last night, I thought everything would be okay, that he’d be happy. I had finally let down my walls and expressed my true feeling for him only to wake up to his temper.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, pulling out of his hold and taking the sheets with me to cover myself up. Was he second guessing this marriage now that he finally had me in bed? Then the thought of everything he told me last night was just a lie, that he really didn’t love me, flashed through my mind.
When he sat up and pulled me to him, I knew those suspicions were just my mind playing tricks on me. Though I was willing to let Brandon in and tell him how I felt for him, I was still scared of what he was really thinking and how he truly felt for me.
“It was Jasmine, wasn’t it?” He demanded to know as I pulled away and looked up into his fuming eyes. I tried to play dumb and clueless about what he was talking about. I didn’t really want to spend my honeymoon fighting about what Jasmine did at the beginning of our relationship. All of that was in the past now.
I watched as his eyebrows came together as if he was trying to figure out what game I was playing. "It was her, Jasmine, the reason you got hurt in the bathroom that day at school?”
I hung my head low, knowing it was time to finally let out the truth of the matter. I didn’t want something like this come between us. “Yes.”
He gripped my shoulders and shook me slightly till I looked at him with tears in my eyes. "Why didn't you tell me the truth back then?"
“Brandon, she told me you were with her before coming in there. I knew from rumors at school you two had a thing so I believed her. I didn’t tell you it was her because I didn’t want you to think I was some jealous person trying to control you. I had told you back then that if you wanted to sleep with other girls, it was fine. I felt that if I said something, it would be me taking it all back,” I explained as the tears fell down and he pulled me closer to him.
"I would have never thought that. I had told you and my father that morning I would be faithful and I have been.” He reassured me as he rubbed my back to calm me down. “I just wished you would have trusted me and told me the truth. Then maybe I could have handled it after it
happened. Now it looks like I’ll have to wait till we get home to make a few phone calls.”
“No, Brandon, let it go. It’s in the past. Just let it go,” I said into his chest as the last few tears fell. "All that matters is that we're here, together." I looked up and saw him smiling down at me, making me blush. I looked down at his bare chest and my hand came up to caress his abs. I didn’t want to talk about Jasmine anymore, because I had other things in mind.
I lifted my head and gave him a soft kiss, showing him that I was done with this conversation. When he wrapped his arms around my neck and pushed me down the bed, I figured he had caught on to what I wanted to do. It didn’t take long before we became safely connected as one once again.
16
It was late in the day and I was lying on one of the lawn chairs, soaking up the last of the afternoon’s sunshine. On the beach surrounding me, I could see others, families and couples alike, that were out and relishing the soft waves that splashed on the shore. The warmth from the day’s sun and the coolness of the water was an enjoyable combination.
Breathing in the salty air, almost tasting the tang of the ocean, I found myself thinking about how amazing last night was. Everything about it had been so perfect and it had felt right, not rushed. With each touch and movement he made, I could feel the love he felt for me. However, now in the harsh light of the day, I was still frightened of the feelings we had both confessed to each other. Considering my past, I found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something horrible to happen given how happy and content I was.
This morning found us awake and ready for another round of passionate lovemaking, or as Brandon referred to it, rolling between the sheets. Afterwards, as I was taking a shower, I jumped in surprise when he opened the door and joined me. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what happened next and I learned that my husband possessed some major skills. He seemed to enjoy being with me just as much as I did, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.