“Are we actually married?”
Thomas hit a button on the control panel and spun around to look at the rest of us. “Want to field that one, Quinn? Or shall I?”
Quinn steepled his fingers. “You know how it’s not possible to be a little pregnant? You either are or you’re not?”
“Is this going to matter to my question?”
“It will.” He took my hand, and I let him.
“See, the thing is, you’re married to the four of us. It’s legal. I realize it takes consent to get married. You haven’t. You could contest the marriage. They’d let you out. But you don’t need to because in this case it is actually possible to be a little married and mostly not. We’re living under aliases. There are no Thomas, Clay, Quinn and Keith McQueen.”
I sat back in my seat. I hadn’t seen that coming. “Who are you?”
Clay spoke fast. “There’s a very good reason, and I hope you won’t hate us when you know.”
“We’re Thomas, Clay, Keith and Quinn Sandler. I’m sure you know the name.”
My head spun. “The people who are always destroying everything? The Sandler Cartel?”
Keith nodded. “My father would argue that we do those things to rebuild them in our image. His ultimate dream is to just be in charge, be the king, rule the world. It’s kind of simple in his maniacal craziness, but there it is.”
“He’s not maniacal or crazy.” Quinn rubbed his eyes. “He likes to win. End of story. He knows how, and he’s not afraid of the consequences.”
I looked between them. They were still the same guys as before. Thomas still made me nervous, but he was so handsome I could hardly breathe for looking at him, and his eyes spoke of pain that would never heal. Clay was romantic, easy-going, smart, and hidden. Keith kept secrets, he said funny things, and he charged forward. Quinn understood what it was to be damaged and had done something so bad he’d never get over it. They were still the four men I’d spent days with, who’d saved me—twice—who’d married me to keep me safe.
Yet they were Sandlers. My father called their father a lunatic at dinner conversations, and if my father said that, then it had to be really bad. Of course, he was also the man who’d dumped me in the Sisterhood and never looked back.
“Why aren’t you guys with him? Why the name change?”
Clay sat back. “She hasn’t run to the other side of the ship yet boys. She’s not shrieking in terror.”
Thomas slammed his hand on the console. “She should be. We’re not good news, Paloma. This is our life. These three are going to convince you to stay married to us. They are already all head over heels for you. I get it. You’re gorgeous, and you’re sweet, and somehow despite what was done to you, your soul is intact. You look at me with innocence in your eyes. I’d do anything to protect it, but I live in the real world. You live with us, this is your life. Get comfortable, and it’s time to run again. We don’t get to settle down. There is no someday for us. We have nothing to offer a wife.”
I held up my hand. “Before we get into the marriage part, can you answer my question? Why are you not Sandlers anymore?”
“Because.” Quinn closed his eyes for a second. Opening them once again, he seemed to stare far away, focused on somewhere else, not here. “When I was ten, my dad came to my room. He asked me to help him. He wanted to win the universe. He thought I could tell him how to do it.”
I sucked in my breath, his own words coming back to me. “Because you have a pathological need to win.”
He nodded once. “I started working on the program, on how to win the game. I gave him a very basic write up. Every year after, I improved the plan. When I was sixteen, it was done. When I turned eighteen, he implemented it. I never thought … I always believed it was hypothetical. A game he and I worked on together. I didn’t mean to kill anyone, Paloma. I didn’t mean to destroy lives. But that is what I have done. When Tommy realized it, he went and got Clay. They rescued us. We’ve had to leave ever since. No one gets away from Garrison Sandler.” Quinn lifted his gaze to meet mine. “Do you hate me? Are you disgusted? I am the definition of monster.”
“No, you’re not.” Clay swiveled his chair around. “If he had told you it was anything more than an exercise, you wouldn’t have done it, not even at ten. He used you. He used your desperation for his affection. After Tommy, the rest of us just didn’t live up. He was giving you a chance to, and he knew exactly what he was doing.”
I moved before I could overthink it. I sunk down on my knees in front of him, a position I had sworn off ever getting in again. “If you weren’t a good person, if you weren’t worth it, Thomas would have left you there. He saved you because you can be saved. This is your dad’s sickness, his fingers on the buttons. Not yours.”
A single tear travelled down his cheek, and he pushed it away. “It was my plan that destroyed the Sisterhood, P. My idea that killed the Sisters and nearly you. Sure you still want to be near me?”
His words settled on my shoulders like bricks. This was what he had meant. Clay had come to the Sisterhood because he knew. How far could I believe what I said? Was it still not his fault, even when it had so deeply affected me?
The answer was yes. “Quinn, I know you didn’t do it on purpose.”
He placed his head in his hands, and he wept. Oh no. Had I made everything worse?
CHAPTER SIX
Mrs. McQueen
I jumped to my feet and came around behind Quinn, placing myself onto the back of his chair, between his back and the furniture, so that I was essentially his chair cushion. I grabbed onto him and held, placing kisses on his back. “You guys were trying to stop it. You didn’t want the Sisterhood blown up. I know it. Clay tried really hard that day, short of saying he knew the place was about to go boom, which he couldn’t do because of you.”
Clay placed a hand on my arm. “I’m not above saying that. I’ve said it twice, saved three places that way. But the Sisterhood was a late target. It shouldn’t have been hit this early in the game. Dad is changing up the plan because we’ve stopped him three times. We thought we had time and that there were more pressing targets.”
Keith nodded. “It had been two years since anyone died. If you hadn’t shown up that night, Paloma, I don’t know what Quinn would have done. Sweetheart, you saved him that night, and all of us every night since.”
Thomas stood. “I don’t know if people really save other people. I think sometimes we have to save ourselves. Or accept help and go from there. I didn’t save you; I offered you an out. You saved yourself. Paloma’s arrival didn’t stop Quinn from doing something bad; maybe it distracted him enough for him to see hope again.”
Clay snorted, making Keith and Quinn crack up. “You’re so unromantic.”
“I’m sure he can be romantic under the right circumstances. He just doesn’t like me.” I pressed my nose against Quinn’s strong back. “I’m glad you got distracted or whatever. I realize I’m probably leaving you all very shortly. Thomas is going to kick me off this shuttle as fast as he can. But my life wouldn’t have nearly the color in it without you.”
“Okay.” Thomas bent down until he could look me in the eyes. “I want to clarify some things here. You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, anywhere. And I’ve been everywhere. But I don’t get all bent out of shape for pussy. I’ve had plenty, even with the female shortage.”
I winced at his words, and Quinn jumped up to shove at Thomas’ shoulders, nearly throwing me off the chair in the process. “Watch your language.”
“I’m speaking truth here. I like you just fine, Paloma. I may even be a little bit in love with you. Your brown eyes, your dark hair, your perfect breasts. Yeah, I want you badly, too. But this is your life if you stick with me. Look around. We’re charging through space hoping no one catches us, hoping no satellite took down our numbers before we broke orbit and some bounty hunter puts two and two together. You want this shit? You’re welcome to it. Join us, by all means. Give me someone el
se to keep alive. Ask yourself if it’s me not liking you that’s the problem—or you not liking me. I’m never going to kiss your ass and ask for more. That’s not how it works. I like you, so get over yourself.”
He sat back down at the console and pressed buttons, and Quinn sat back down with a loud groan. I put my forehead on his back and closed my eyes. There was too much truth in this room. I’d been raised to never speak it. A lady didn’t upset the status quo, not if she wanted a good life and a meaningful marriage. The Sisters never wanted to hear a word I said.
I had to think before I spoke. The other way didn’t work for me. It never would.
After a time, Clay took my hand, pulling me from Quinn. I guessed it was nighttime. It was always hard to tell in space. Or maybe he was just tired.
Quinn stood and nodded to Clay. “Keep her warm. She’s the brightest thing in the universe. I never want to see her darkened or cold.” With his speech, he kissed me lightly on the lips. “Don’t go back to Mars Station. I know it’s too soon. But you’re my wife. I’m never going to be a Sandler again. Be Mrs. McQueen. We’ll all love you every day of our lives. Make it real. In your heart. It is in mine.”
Keith rose and hugged me tightly. “Listen, we’re all terrified. Change is really hard—particularly when you think it’s everything you want and were too afraid to admit it. Some of us do better than others.” When Keith kissed me, it was hard on the mouth, a claiming. “What Quinn said. All of it and more. I’m going to sit up tonight and figure out how to make us safer. This can work. We were doing just fine; now we need better.”
Thomas didn’t look up from his console. “Good night, Paloma. I hope you get some good rest.”
“Thanks.”
I had a thought, so I stopped Clay from pulling me from the compartment. “Hey Quinn, this is stupid, but you’re the best gamer in the world from what I hear. It’s too bad you can’t play yourself from when you were living with your father. I bet you’d win. Thanks for your secret. I will keep it. I swear.”
Clay brought me slowly to the back of the shuttle. The room was spacious but not fancy. The bed would fit just the two of us. Whoever designed it—Thomas, I corrected my thinking—hadn’t been thinking about needing room for more than two in it.
“Come here.” Clay hugged me tightly. “Quinn isn’t the only one who wants to make you warm. Tommy hurt your feelings. He challenges. He blows hard. He can’t help it. He was born to fight, and our father’s chosen heir. He was so damned good at it. I’m not making excuses. You two are going to be okay. I’m here for you. For both of you.”
“Do you want me to be Mrs. McQueen?”
He rubbed the side of my face with his knuckles. “From the second I followed you out of the Sisterhood. You saved my life. You were mine. Done. End of story. I’ll share with my brothers. They’re the best men I know. Make no mistake, you’re mine in my heart.”
“Then you’re going to have to ask me and let me say yes. I’m not married yet. Not in my heart. I think I could be. Well, at least to those of you who want it. I’m not ready yet.”
Clay nodded, his blond tips falling in his eyes. “Fair enough. How will we know when you’re ready?”
My cheeks heated up. “Clay, I think that is one of those questions men always have to figure out. I think you’ll just know. Asking is always a risk, even when you’re pretty sure you know the answer.”
“I’m going to hold to the idea you will want to be Mrs. McQueen. So weird to say that name. I like how it feels on my tongue. We feel like McQueens now. Not Sandlers.”
We undressed each other down to our underwear. He made no moves to take mine off, and I left his alone too. The blankets were itchy but warm. Clay tugged me into his arms.
“What kind of law do you practice? Were you lying when you said you set up companies on Earth?” I had to question everything I’d been told. Or did I? This situation had no guidebook.
He sighed. “I didn’t lie. Not the kind I’d like to be practicing, but you can’t be a trial attorney taking on unfair law practices on Earth, saving the little guy, when you can’t be caught out in public. I move a lot of paperwork around for people who don’t want the governments in their business. The clients don’t ask me too many questions. It works well.”
I placed my hand over his heart. “Just not where your heart is.”
“Yep.” Clay moved his legs around until he got comfortable, which basically involved pinning me against him. “You okay like this?”
“Yes. I have dreams, too. I want to open a restaurant where I know all the clients and they know me too.”
He sighed deeply. “I like that one. I can come and sit. The sun will set. I’ll watch you work, not bother you, but you’ll know I’m there. At the end of the night, I’ll take you home. Everyone will know you’re ours. I’ll be so proud of all you’re doing.”
I kissed his chest. “You say the sweetest things.”
“I mean them. I’m not sweet to everyone. To you, I’ll always be.”
“Good night, Clay.”
He smiled against my forehead. “Good night, Paloma.”
I fell asleep but woke up some time later. I wasn’t settled. My mind didn’t want to turn off completely. Next to me, Clay slept deeply. Sometimes he even said little words. He didn’t seem upset or like he had bad dreams, so I left him alone. At one point, he even laughed lightly. I tried to snuggle against him to go back to sleep, and I couldn’t.
Eventually, I snuck out of the bed and put my clothes back on. The shuttle moved against my feet, the gentle sway of space a comfort after so long planet-bound. I’d grown up on a station. I hated being landlocked.
I walked quietly through the shuttle. It was silent, save for the noises of spaceflight. The control room was dimly lit. Thomas sat in his seat, staring out at the view screen, which showed nothing but blackness ahead. What did he think about?
On as quiet feet as I could manage, I walked until I was next to him. He only looked up when I stopped. “You okay?”
I sunk to my knees like I had with Quinn earlier. The guys would never know what it cost me to do so, but it meant something to me. Five years had trained me to kneel whether I liked it or not. The knees were a spot for truth.
“You gave up your whole life for them. You were already out of the house. I don’t know what you were doing, but the little you’ve said and the little they’ve mentioned, it sounds like it was a good life. You threw it away and rescued your brothers. Even before I knew this about you, I liked you. I liked how direct you were at the Sisterhood. I liked your sense of humor later on. I’ve appreciated how you’ve tried to help me.” I took a deep breath. “I find you extremely handsome, to the point of sometimes not being able to look at you. I want you to like me.”
“I told you I do.” He shook his head. “You don’t have to kneel. We can talk on equal footing.”
I touched his hand. “Let me finish.” I almost said please and stopped myself. I didn’t feel weak this way. I always fought back from panic when they made me kneel. I was strong.
“Go on.” His gaze forced me to hold his eye contact.
“You don’t know enough about me. So I’m going to fill you in. I’m not merely the woman who takes things the wrong way or harder than you intended them. I’m not just the girl who got abused in that place her family stuck her. Before that, I ruled a space station with my smile. I was the daughter of the richest people on the station. They had political aspirations, and I helped them meet them. I had the right friends. I knew the right people. I would have been an asset to someone. My parents had made me a match—or a potential one. I was going to be important. I know how to be that person. I can call her up if I need to. I don’t require your constant care. I’m a more capable version of the girl I was raised to be.”
I stood then. I’d said my piece. He could do with it what he would.
“I couldn’t leave them there, Keith and Quinn. They were mine to protect. When our mother died, I took them
on. I let them down. I won’t again. If you stay with us, you’ll be mine too. I fight for what’s mine. Sometimes I fight with those who are mine. This is how I’m built.”
I hugged him tightly, which I thought surprised him. He flinched at first and then stopped, letting me hold him, even wrapping his arms around my waist. I wasn’t good at affection and neither was Thomas.
I kissed the top of his head. “I’ll take care of you, too.”
“Okay.” His response was so simple it surprised me. I let myself breathe in the scent of cloves off him. It was fresh and completely him.
“Can I call you Tommy now?”
“You always could. I think I prefer it.”
“Me too.”
We stood like that for a while, and I finally pulled back. “I left Clay asleep. I don’t want him waking up panicked.”
“He won’t. He sleeps like a log. Talks in his sleep. When he was younger, he used to sleepwalk. Scared the crap out of me more than once. Thanks for coming here, Paloma. I feel better that you did. None of the things I said earlier are different. I’m scared shitless that I can’t protect you and we won’t make you happy. But let’s try. Let’s say we did. If we fail, at least we tried.”
I wasn’t used to initiating real kisses, but I threw caution to the wind and kissed him lightly on the mouth. I felt his gasp move through me. I pulled back before he could respond. “Good night, Tommy.”
“Good night.” His voice was low.
I walked as quietly as I could back to Clay’s room. Tommy was right. Clay hadn’t moved. I snuggled back into him. This time I slept through the night.
The next morning I managed to hydrate some food for the guys and myself. I hadn’t eaten anything like it sine my last shuttle ride. I hadn’t cared for it then and I didn’t now, but it made do. Things were strewn all over the shuttle, reminding me of Tommy’s office. How did he know where anything was?